by Vixen Kane
“Close your eyes and try to sleep.”
I can’t sleep. If I sleep I’ll never wake up.
“Shh. Please, Val. You need to try and calm down.” His hands are rubbing up and down my arms and then over my back in soothing circles. “That’s it. Just relax. Let the sleep come.”
“Scared.”
“I know you’re scared. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here the whole time. I promise.”
Despite whatever drug was in those gummy bears and my fear, I realize that I don’t want him to leave. And not just because I don’t want to be alone, but because I want him specifically to be with me through whatever this is.
“There ya go.” His hand never leaves my back, and the circles he’s making help to ground me in the here and now.
The shaking slows, but my body aches from the violent way tremors wracked through me this entire time. The pounding in my head doesn’t stop, though. It’s getting louder and louder.
“I’ll be right back, okay? I’m just going to the door.” He walks to the door, and when he opens it, the pounding stops.
“She okay?” I can’t make out who the voice belongs to, but for the first time in what feels like years, I can make out the words.
“She will be.” Seth responds through what I imagine is a clenched jaw. “I’m staying in here the rest of the night.”
He is? Why? Is this not over?
“Figured you would.”
“That fucker better be gone the next time I leave this room.” The anger in Seth’s tone somehow calms my fear a little bit more.
“He’ll be dealt with. Let me handle Nate and you take care of Val.”
“Keep everyone out of here until tomorrow.”
“We will. Tristan’s gonna watch the door.”
“Thanks, man. Appreciate it.”
The door closes and Seth returns to stand next to the bed. He stares at me for a few minutes before reaching down to the light on the nightstand and turning it out. The only light in the room is from the streetlights coming through the window. Seth sits next to me and leans down so his mouth is next to my ear.
“Now I can take care of you all night long, Val.”
16
Seth
The scent of citrus with a sugary undertone fills my nostrils, and I breathe in deeper. I’m still partially asleep, but the more seconds that tick by, the more my other senses pick up, like the warmth pressed against me, the heavy breathing of someone fast asleep, the torso my arm is wrapped around.
My eyes open, only for me to slam them shut. It’s bright in my room, probably closer to noon than it is morning.
“Mmm,” the body next to me groans, and the events of last night come barreling through my mind. I open my eyes, slower this time, and stare at the back of Val’s head, the blonde curls she had last night now flattened and flaring over my pillow.
She’s wearing my shirt, and I wonder if she’ll remember I was turned around while she put it on.
No, probably not.
I glance down at my bare chest and slowly pull my arm from around her. My morning wood is currently situated to where it’s poking into her ass, and I ease back as carefully as I can without waking her in the process. It doesn’t help that I sleep in my boxers. I don’t even own pajamas.
I manage to scoot a few inches before I notice her breathing has quieted and her arms have tensed.
Shit.
“Good morning,” I say to her back. I sit up in the bed, cringing with the change in blood flow to my head. I didn’t sleep well last night, and not that she remembers, but neither did Valerie. She was up trembling most of the night, and at first I thought it was best not to touch her. To keep my distance and wait the trip out, but she panicked when I wasn’t in her sight. She wanted me. Needed me. And so for the last three hours or so before she fell asleep, I held her. Stroking her hair, whispering reassurances, rubbing her back, anything I could to calm those tremors. I hadn’t planned for that to happen, but I won’t lie and say it didn’t feel good to be needed. For once in my life.
Valerie plants her palms on the mattress and slowly lifts herself into a sitting position, scooting toward the opposite corner of the bed. She pulls her hair over one shoulder and peers down at the shirt she’s wearing, my shirt, clearly questioning how it got there.
“Did we…” She turns her head toward me, biting her lip as she waits for me to answer the unfinished question.
I shake my head, and her body deflates, with her shoulders sinking and a long breath blowing over her lips.
“How are you feeling?”
“Headache,” she croaks out, moving her gaze so she’s no longer looking at me. “Do you have any water?”
“Oh, yeah, of course.” I climb off the bed and don’t bother putting on any more clothes before heading downstairs to grab Valerie a glass of water. She says nothing as I leave the room, and disappointment coils in my chest for a moment. The time for me being the hero is over. Now I’m just the asshole who let her get drugged at a party I brought her to. Fuck, I’m screwed. There’s no way she’s going to want to go anywhere with me again.
I pass through multiple sleeping bodies on my way to the kitchen, but Tristan is up and eating a bowl of Captain Crunch at the table. “Hey, man,” he says, glancing up at me.
I give him a nod and fill a cup with tap water. When I go to leave the kitchen, I pause and turn to Tristan. “Thanks for watchin’ my room last night. Anything happen with Connor and Nate?”
Tristan shrugs. “I mean, it’s not cool that Nate did that, but it also isn’t frowned upon to let girls drug themselves up, so no, not really.”
My fist tightens around the glass, but I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. All I know is there’s a sudden urgency to get back upstairs, so I turn and leave the kitchen without another word.
I’m pissed. Again. It keeps happening over and over, and I can’t fully understand why. But when I open my bedroom door and see her standing by my dresser, her hand holding a photo of Sarah and I, the only photo in my room, the anger dissipates.
She sets the photo down and crosses the room, her hips swaying in a graceful way I would’ve thought was deliberate if it wasn’t her.
“Thanks,” she says, taking the glass from me and putting it to her lips. Her eyes close, and her brain must register just how badly she needs the water because she puts her other hand on the glass and downs the whole thing.
When she brings it away from her face, she’s breathing heavily and she slides the back of her hand over her mouth before handing me the empty glass.
“More?”
“No, thanks,” she says, her voice sounding far less hoarse than before. “Can you uh, can you give me a ride back to the dorm?”
Disappointment floods my chest again, but I still don’t know why. I’m not gonna succeed with this challenge. Period. Even if she likes me, even if last night hadn’t gone the way it did, she’s not going to say the words. It would be easier if the challenge was just to fuck her, but it’s not. I lose. It’s time to accept that. Even if I have a chance, I don’t want to hurt her anyway.
My last thought has my eyebrows raising, like it isn’t my own.
“Seth?”
“Huh?”
“Do you mind giving me a ride? I can walk if you can’t. It’s not that far.”
“No, I—” I give my head a shake to clear the thoughts now racing through my mind. “I’ll take you back to the dorm. Do you want to change first?”
She glances down at my T-shirt. “Actually, can I borrow this? My other shirt is um, not comfortable.”
Slutty. But sure, we’ll go with uncomfortable. A hundred bucks says Lexie put her in it. “No problem.”
“Thanks.”
Neither of us say much on the ride to the dorm. Valerie stares out the passenger window, and I take turns glancing at her, trying to think up what the hell I’m supposed to say, and actually paying attention to the road.
“I’m
really sorry about last night,” I settle on, angling the car into an empty spot next to her dorm. I expect them to be my parting words, but her hand doesn’t reach for the door handle. Instead, she twists in her seat to face me.
“Why would you be sorry?”
I know better than to say anything. If she’s not planning on putting blame on me for what my frat brother did, then I won’t ask her too… but she should. I’m dangerous. I’m using her right now, I’ve been using her. She should stay the hell away from me.
She takes a deep breath and averts her gaze like she’s about to say something hard. “I was prepared to sleep with you last night.”
“What?”
“I’m not proud of it, but if I hadn’t eaten those gummy bears, I probably would’ve.” Her eyes meet mine. “That was fucking terrifying, Seth. I’m not sure if I can explain how it felt. It was like I was stuck in my head and I couldn’t get out.”
“I know, Val. I’m so—”
“And you were there for me.”
My mouth closes, and I shift in my seat, waiting for her to go on. She ducks her eyes again. “You could’ve taken advantage of me, but you didn’t. I know you think I’m naive, but I know a lot of guys would’ve… So thank you.”
“I would never hurt you like that, Val.”
“I know.” She looks to me and nods. “I really do. Honestly, you’re not at all the guy I used to think you were. You’re really great, Seth.”
You’re really great, Seth.
Her words echo in my skull, and I don’t have the heart to tell her she’s wrong. I’m not great. Not for her. She leans across the seat, and I thread my hands through her hair as our lips meet. She kisses me like I’m dropping her off after the best date she’s ever been on. She kisses me like she wants me. Like she’s just let all of her guards down, and because I’m the biggest jackass in the world, I kiss her back.
My tongue glides over hers, and all I can think about is the smell of her hair, and how good her soft lips feel. How nice it felt to wake up with her pressed against me. And I realize that I fucking want her too, and she’s not at all the girl I thought she was.
And that makes it worse.
There’s a smile on her face when she pulls back, and her fingertips brush over her lips.
“See you around?” she asks, now with her hand on the door handle.
“I’ll call you.”
She climbs out of the car, and I watch as she walks into the dorm, a skip in her step I haven’t seen before.
It’s not until I’m driving away that I realize I’m smiling too.
17
Valerie
“I told you those parties weren’t good for you.”
Gemma has been saying the same thing since this morning, ever since I told her what happened on my date with Seth. I understand her attitude, but I’m not in the mood to deal with it.
“Gemma, please, can we not talk about this?” I pick up a couple fries and dunk them in ketchup before popping them into my mouth.
“I just hate that you got hurt.” Her frown reminds me that she keeps bringing it up out of concern and I force that thought to take precedence over my frustration.
“That’s just it. I didn’t get hurt.” I smile as the image of Seth apologizing for what happened floats in my mind. “Seth made sure I was okay.”
“He wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t been there.”
“She’s right, ya know.”
I whirl around in the booth and stare at the source of that statement.
“What’re you doing here?” I ask, angry that it seems I’m going to have to explain myself to yet another person.
“I heard about your date”.
“Uh, Valerie, I’m going to give you two time to talk.” Gemma picks up her tray and dumps it in the trash as she walks out of the dining hall.
Josh, my high school sweetheart and ex, slides into the now empty spot across the table from me. I take in his polo shirt and his perfectly-styled brown hair. It’s a little longer than it was when we were dating, and I know it would drive his very conservative parents crazy. Hell, at one point, it would have driven me crazy. Now it just reminds me that he’s not the same boy I dated. Seth’s voice telling me about what Josh did to Sarah fills my head, reminding me I never really knew the boy I dated. Not the way I thought. But he never really knew me either, did he?
“I’ll ask again. What’re you doing here, Josh?” While he takes his time coming up with an answer, I take a bite of my sandwich before shoving my tray aside and folding my hands on the table in front of me. Suddenly, I’m no longer hungry.
“I’m worried about you, Valerie.” He reaches out to touch me, but I pull back, forcing him to do the same. “So that’s how it’s going to be?”
“I don’t know what else you could possibly have expected.”
“I expected you to at least hear me out.” He rubs his jaw in a way that I used to find sexy. Now all I can think is that the way Seth looks when he’s frustrated is so much hotter.
“Fine.” I lean back in the booth and cross my arms over my chest, unsure of why I’m even giving him the time of day. “What is it you want to say?”
“Valerie—”
“Val. Just Val.”
“Okay, Val,” Josh’s jaw is clenched and his eye is twitching, a sure sign that he’s getting angry. “Why in the hell would you go on a date with Seth Carnes? After what he did to us?”
Why indeed.
“You mean what he did to you?” Seth’s voice gets a little louder in my head. “And for good reason, apparently.”
Josh yanks his cell phone from his jeans pocket, ignoring the second part of my sentence. I wonder if he’s even ashamed about what he did to Sarah or if he cares that I now know.
Probably not.
He taps his phone’s screen a few times before turning it to face me. I flinch when I see a picture of Josh, in the backseat of his car. A picture that Seth took and then made sure everyone saw.
Anyone looking at the picture couldn’t see much, not even my face, but the implication is clear. To some, it might not have been a big deal, but to me, it was soul crushing. When the picture was posted on social media, two very different rumors started. One was that I was a slut and the other was that Josh was cheating on me. Both were equally humiliating and neither stopped before graduation.
“No, I mean what he did to us.” He sets his phone down on the table, apparently satisfied that he’s gotten my full attention. “You know how it was for me after that hit the internet.”
“For you? Are you kidding me?” I slap my palms down on the table. “I was freaking humiliated every single day at school after that. My reputation was ruined.”
“So was mine,” Josh snaps. “I was the goddamn preacher's kid. My parents have never forgiven me for tarnishing the family name.”
“That sure as hell didn’t stop you from going crazy when you left for school.”
Josh takes several deep breaths in what I know is his way of calming himself down. When his face relaxes and the tension leaves his shoulders, some of mine disappears as well.
“I didn’t come here to fight with you, Valeri… Val. I’m just worried about you is all.”
“Look, Josh, I appreciate your concern, but there’s nothing to worry about.” I hate that I feel the need to explain myself to anybody, much less to him, but I do. “It was one date, and after the way I acted, it wouldn’t surprise me if he never called again.”
Just saying that out loud causes my chest to constrict. I want to see Seth again. I
want him to want to see me again. When he’d become a ‘good guy’, I don’t know, but he had. The asshole who humiliated me becomes more and more a distant memory each and every time I see him.
“Oh, he’ll call again.” His tone has my gaze snapping to his.
“Why do you say it like that?”
“Because that’s how guys like him operate. They find a girl they wanna bang and she becom
es like a drug. They can’t let her go until they get what they want. But the second she gives it up, they’re gone.”
“Well, that’s crude.” Unfortunately, his words have the intended effect. Tears burn the back of my eyes because there’s a tiny part of me that wonders if he’s right.
Is Seth using me? Is he just trying to humiliate me like he did several years ago? Like Josh did to Sarah?
No.
“Crude? Maybe. But it doesn’t make it any less true.”
“You’re wrong.” I take a sip of my milkshake to hide the emotion that I know is showing on my face. Josh has always been able to read me like an open book, and I don’t want him to right now.
“I hope you’re right.” He cocks his head to the side. “For your sake, I really do. Despite us not being together anymore, I don’t want you to get hurt. And Seth Carnes is a one way ticket to pain and suffering.”
With that parting shot, he stands and walks away, leaving behind only echoes of his warning.
I sit there for another few minutes, replaying my date with Seth in my mind. It’s been on a constant loop ever since he dropped me off at the dorm the next morning, but now I worry that I’m only remembering what I want to remember so I won’t have to face the truth.
Seth was a perfect gentleman that night. Well, other than when he called me his woman. I really do need to make him understand how much I hate that. But everything else? It wasn’t his fault.
I was the one who ate the damn gummy bears. I was in control of my own actions. Until I wasn’t. He had the perfect opportunity to do exactly what Josh is accusing him of. I would’ve slept with him that night. I’d intended to. But rather than take advantage of me when I was an easy target, he’d taken care of me. He made sure that nothing bad happened.
Satisfied that I’m remembering everything, I leave the dining hall. I need to get to work. As I walk to my car, the smile on my face grows.
Josh is wrong. Seth is not the same asshole who humiliated me years ago. He’s the guy who is making me happy now. With that thought in mind, I pull out my cell to send a quick text.