by Paris Rose
We sipped Dom Perignon, and feasted on lobster and filet mignon. There was live music, and lots of love and laughter was in the air. We were having the most beautiful evening, that is up until after the ball dropped.
At midnight, Trevor swept me off my feet with the most mind-blowing kiss. The exhilaration of feeling him hold me and kiss me, with such unbridled passion, on such a joyous occasion, made my head spin. I was hoping that he was going to tell me he loved me for the first time. It certainly felt like he had crossed that threshold, and I know I had. I don’t know exactly when it had happened, but that night when I looked into his eyes, I realized that I had been in love with him for longer than I realized. And I thought he loved me too. I felt it in his touch, and in the way he kissed me that night.
But just as I thought he was about to say it, he whispered in my ear that he expected my decision about the contract by the next day, and that he refused to wait any longer. His tone was ominous, and his reminder sounded like a threat. His mention of the contract made me feel sick with anxiety. I had no idea whether I wanted to sign it, and I didn’t want to discuss it in public. I made my rounds and went out of my way to avoid Trevor for the rest of the party.
* * *
It was the first day of the year, and I woke up with a hangover. Ugh, this must be a sign that it’s going to be a bad year. I rolled over and gazed out of Trevor’s floor-to-ceiling windows. A soft, white snow was falling over the city. It was breathtaking. I lost track of time as I allowed myself to be entranced by the winter wonderland before me. The beauty of the outside world momentarily distracted me from my pounding head and my queasy stomach.
“Giavanna, Happy New Year.” My heart skipped a beat. Trevor startled me when he entered the room. He didn’t sound full of holiday cheer at all. His voice was flat, and he had a solemn expression on his face.
“Happy New Year, Trevor.” I rubbed my eyes and propped myself up on my elbow.
“Did you have a good time last night?”
“Yeah, the party was stellar.” My mind raced as I tried to figure out what was going on. I knew Trevor hadn’t come in here to ask what I thought about the party. His tone made me uneasy.
“Good. I’m glad you had a good time.”
“Did you?”
“Oh yeah, the party was great.”
“Yeah, it was, wasn’t it?” I struggled to keep the conversation going.
“Yep,” he replied tersely. There was an awkward silence. I couldn’t take it anymore. I sat up and pulled the covers over my lap.
“Trevor, is something wrong ?” I tried not to sound too concerned.
“Why do you ask?”
“Something’s up. I feel it, and it’s making me uneasy.”
He walked over and sat next to me on the bed. “I wanted to wait until you at least had breakfast, but since you asked, maybe we should talk about this now.”
“Talk about what, Trevor?” My stomach was doing flip-flops. I thought he might have been upset with me for avoiding him at the end of the party. He barely talked to me on the ride home.
“Look, Giavanna, I don’t want you getting upset over this, okay. But I feel like our relationship is headed in the wrong direction.” He furrowed his brow. “We’re starting to get too close, too fast, and I’m just not comfortable with the way this is going. I don’t want things to go any further between us until I know where you stand. There is no use in either of us getting attached, unless we are going to really do this.” He pulled the contract out from the nightstand drawer and tossed it on the bed. “Giavanna, do you want to be with me or not?” He sounded cold and detached, as if he were driving a hard bargain during a business negotiation.
I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t think straight. “Trevor, are you giving me an ultimatum?” My voice was shrill.
“Giavanna, I’m giving you a choice, and you have free will to decide what you want to do. You can fully commit to me and sign the agreement, or you can walk away now before either of us gets too attached. Call it what you will. But if using the word ‘ultimatum’ helps you to make a better decision, then so be it,” he replied.
“Trevor, why are you doing this?” My voice cracked. My eyes watered, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“I’m doing it to protect both of us. I really want to be with you, Giavanna, but the question is, do you want to be with me?”
“I do want to be with you, Trevor, you know that. But I want to be with you as your girlfriend, not your submissive.”
“So you’re not going to sign the contract?” He narrowed his eyes at me. I could hear a hint of hostility in his voice.
“I don’t like the way you’re pressuring me, Trevor,” I spoke through gritted teeth as I tried not to become hysterical. He was really upsetting me. “What has gotten in to you?”
“I don’t like the way you make me feel any more. I feel like I’m not in control. I’ve already let you in too much. And the scary thing is that I don’t even know how it happened. But what I do know is it would be far too dangerous to stay with you, without a formal agreement.” He seemed to look through me as he spoke. Even though I was staring at him, he wouldn’t fully meet my gaze.
My breath caught in my throat. “Trevor, please don’t do this. I know we can make this work without the agreement.”
“I know my own limitations better than anyone, Giavanna. If you’re not going to sign the contract, then I think it’s best we go our separate ways. Trust me, it will be better for both of us.”
I drew into a ball and rested my forehead on my knees in defeat. Way to start off the year. I can’t believe this is actually happening. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself to try and stabilize my emotions, to no avail. I was overcome by wracking sobs that took the wind out of me. Trevor put his arm around me as I struggled for air.
“Don’t be upset, Giavanna. I’ve been telling you from the beginning that I’m not worth being upset over.” His tone was surprisingly gentle.
“Why are you doing this, Trevor? I love you, and I really want to be with you,” I wailed as I pressed tighter into a ball.
He abruptly took his arm from around me. “What did you just say?”
“I said I love you, and I really want to be with you,” I mumbled as I kept my head pressed to my knees.
“Giavanna, look at me when you’re speaking. I need to make sure you said what I thought you did. Now, what are you saying?” He lightly touched my leg, but for a few moments, I couldn’t bring myself to respond. “Giavanna?” he prodded impatiently.
I used every ounce of strength I had to lift my head and look into his eyes. I could feel that my face was red and swollen. I took a deep breath to compose myself as I continued to gaze into his hypnotic dark brown eyes. I couldn’t stop the tears from overflowing, but somehow I was able to breathe enough to find my voice. “I said I love you, but obviously you don’t feel the same,” I choked out.
I wanted Trevor to pull me into his arms and tell me that he loved me too, but he just stared at me in silence. He looked as if I had smacked him in the face. His silence hit me in the pit of my stomach. I kicked the covers to the floor, climbed out of bed, and bolted to the bathroom. I slammed the door behind me before crying out in anguish. A string of expletives escaped me as I struggled for air.
Why is this happening?
I felt like my whole world was crashing down before me. I collapsed into a crumpled heap on the floor. The coolness of the tiles felt good against my legs. I rested my head on the edge of the porcelain tub, and I closed my eyes, hoping that eventually I would wake up and this nightmare would be over. I didn’t move when I heard Trevor open the bathroom door. I felt him looking at me, but for several moments, he didn’t say anything.
“Giavanna?” I squeezed my eyes shut more tightly, hoping that it would make the pain go away. There was nothing I wanted to say to him, so I didn’t respond. He sat on the floor behind me but I refused to raise my head or open my eyes. “Giavanna?”
He gently caressed my back. “Are you okay?” I sat up and shook my head. “Come here.” He pulled me into his embrace from behind and wrapped his arms and legs around me. I leaned back against his chest. I squeezed both his hands as we interlocked fingers. “I’m sorry that I hurt you,” he whispered in my ear. “I was afraid this was going to happen. But I know I’m making the right decision for both of us. It’s best that I let you go before I cause you any more pain.” He pressed his face against the side of my cheek. My body started to tremble. I hiccupped as I tried to stifle my tears. “I’m sorry, Giavanna. Please don’t cry. If it makes you feel any better, I’m hurting just as much as you are right now.”
I turned to face Trevor. His eyes were watering. I reached out and softly touched his cheek with my fingertips. “Why don’t you love me, Trevor?”
“Because…I don’t know how, Giavanna,” he whispered. The sincerity in his voice pained me. My lip quivered as a wave of overwhelming emotion crashed down upon me.
I threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder as I began sobbing uncontrollably. “Please don’t leave me, Trevor,” I whimpered.
“I’m not leaving you, Giavanna.” He stroked my hair. “I’m setting you free.”
* * *
Life without Trevor was cold and lonely. Being single sucked. Every night, I would instinctively try to snuggle closer to Trevor to stay warm, but of course he wasn’t there. The weekends were especially hard, because that’s when we used to spend the most time together. Ever since I started dating Trevor, I stopped hanging out with my friends. I didn’t do it on purpose—I just didn’t have time. During the week, I worked a lot, and after work, I had Skype dates with Trevor every night. And he was always in town on the weekends, so I never had time to have a social life outside of him. Now that he was gone, I had a lot of extra time on my hands. I really regretted losing touch with my friends. It had been over two weeks since the breakup, and I hadn’t associated with anyone at all aside from when I was at work. Nobody was calling me, probably because they assumed I was unavailable. I was so lonely that I could feel it in every fiber of my being. It was Friday night and I was on the couch, channel surfing while eating greasy Chinese takeout.
I had never taken life with Trevor for granted, but there was no way for me to fully realize just how much he added to my life until he was gone. Now that I was back to living in my cramped, one-bedroom apartment, eating fast food and drinking cheap wine, I realized how much I missed the gourmet cuisine, high-end champagne, and star-studded events that I had grown so accustomed to. I put my General Tso’s on the coffee table and curled into the fetal position as I realized the A-List party was officially over.
I really missed the lifestyle that Trevor had provided, but more than anything, I missed his god-like presence. He captivated me in a way that not many others could. His charisma was so infectious; it was like a drug. I was addicted to his magnetic pull. Being with him was like walking on the moon. I would have given anything to see him gaze at me with his hypnotic brown eyes. I longed to hear him share his brilliant thoughts and ideas. And I pined for his touch. I closed my eyes as I remembered what it felt like to have to have him hold me in his arms. I hungered for his embrace, and I craved the taste of his lips.
I decided I needed a drink. I went to the kitchen and poured myself some wine. I drank the whole glass as I stood by the counter, wondering what to do with myself. I poured another glass and brought it back to the couch with me. I was flipping through the channels when I heard a snippet of an Aus Deutschland song. I recognized every chord of their music. I went backwards through the channels until I heard the song again. I turned up the volume. It was an Aus Deutschland special. A beautiful hostess was interviewing Johannes “The Hans” Hoffman, the drummer of the band, and Axel Dietrich, the lead guitarist. I hit the record button on my DVR. I was obsessed with Aus Deutschland. All of the guys from the band intrigued me, but Johannes and Axel were my favorites, besides Christoff, that is. I was slightly disappointed that Christoff wasn’t a part of the interview, but I wasn’t surprised. Christoff hated the media, and he didn’t like being put on the spot, so he rarely did interviews.
Even though the breakup with Christoff felt like ancient history, I still thought about him quite often. The wounds weren’t as fresh as what had just happened with Trevor, but deep inside there was always a part of me that was longing for Christoff, whether I was consciously thinking about it or not. The pain of losing the two most significant partners of my adult life compounded on top of each other. I felt a pang of loneliness start at the pit of my stomach and radiate through my entire body. I took a long sip of wine to wash down the lump that was growing in my throat before turning up the television.
I really wanted to focus on the interview. Johannes was sweet and charming, as usual. He was the kindest and most gentle guy in the band. The way his love for his bandmates shined through in every interview always warmed my heart. Axel was clearly the ego of the band. His provocative comments made me laugh out loud. I was completely engrossed in the TV special. It was the first time I had been able to take my mind off the breakup in over two weeks. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to laugh. I couldn’t wait until I was the journalist that got to interview all the cool bands. I wanted my own entertainment news show so bad.
My spirit lifted as I listened to Johannes talk about their experiences on tour and the band’s plans for the future. The hostess asked what the band was going to do with their time off, now that the tour was finally over. Axel of course said he was going to party, get wasted, and try to get laid. I wasn’t at all surprised. True to form, Johannes said he was going to spend time with his wife and his family. When the hostess asked when they were going to start working on the next album, Johannes mentioned that Christoff had just gotten into a new relationship and was planning an extended vacation with his girlfriend, so they weren’t going to work on a new album for a while.
Wait, what?
I hit the rewind button and listened to Johannes’s response again.
Christoff has a girlfriend!?
I felt a pang of jealousy, but I comforted myself with the fact I knew it wouldn’t last. Christoff’s relationships never lasted. Well, apparently mine didn’t, either. I silently admonished myself for judging Christoff. Gah, relationships! Nobody is any good at them. I finished my wine and decided to go to bed early before I drove myself crazy.
* * *
It was Monday morning and I was late to the office…again. I had been over an hour late, at least five times, in the four weeks since the breakup. Ever since New Year’s, I had forgotten how to manage my life. I was sleeping too much. I wasn’t eating right. I stopped working out. And I was wearing the same jeans every day, and occasionally alternating between a few tops. For the first time in my life, I didn’t care about my personal appearance, and I lacked the energy and motivation to do anything, including get to work on time. Work had become a grind. I didn’t enjoy it any more, and I was starting to lose my edge. Kevin and I had already had two talks about my tardiness and the declining quality of my work.
I slid into my seat at 9:45 a.m., hoping he didn’t see me come in. I was going to try and play it off like I had been at my desk all morning. Kevin rarely left his office any time before lunch, so unless he had been looking for me, it was unlikely that he’d know I was late.
I logged into my computer to check my email. I was so behind. There was a message from Kevin flagged urgent. He said he wanted to see me in his office as soon as I got in. Shit! He caught me. I dreaded going to Kevin’s office, but there was nowhere for me to hide. It was too late to call in sick, I was already there. I was so nervous, my mouth went dry. So I decided to stop by the water cooler on my way to Kevin’s office. Grace was there filling up her water bottle. She was always friendly to me, so I was shocked when instead of smiling at me as she usually did, she avoided eye contact and walked away as soon as she saw me. That was weird. I filled a Styrofoam cup with
water and chugged it down. I refilled the cup and headed down the hall to talk to Kevin.
His door was open, but I knocked anyway. He looked up from his papers. “Giavanna, you finally decided to join us this morning, how gracious of you.” Kevin’s sarcasm put me on the spot.
“Sorry, I know I’m a little late.” I nervously chewed on the rim of my cup. It made a squeaky sound. Both Kevin and I cringed. I abruptly pulled the cup away from my mouth, and inadvertently spilled water all over my white blouse. I felt the heat of Kevin’s gaze on my breasts. He immediately looked away and grabbed a roll of paper towels from behind his desk.
“Here, clean yourself up. And come sit down. You don’t need to hover in the doorway like that. I’m disappointed in you, but I’m not going to bite you.” I sat down and dabbed my blouse until it was comfortably dry. I was hoping that Kevin couldn’t see through it.
“Sorry, about that.”
“It’s okay. Giavanna, I’m concerned. Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah, Kevin, I’m fine.” I tried to sound as casual as possible. “I just haven’t been feeling well, so I’ve fallen a bit behind, that’s all.”
“Fallen a bit behind? You’ve missed two deadlines, and the stories that you have turned in haven’t been any good to be frank. Now, are you sure you’re okay? I need to know what’s going on so I can help you get back on track.”
I felt my face flush red. I was too embarrassed to tell him that I let my life fall to pieces after my psychologically scarred boyfriend broke up with me because he was incapable of love. “I promise I’ll catch up. And my work will get better, I promise. I just need some time to get back on track after the holidays. Christmas and New Year’s kind of threw me off a bit.” My stomach was in knots. I really wanted to do better, but I didn’t know if I was capable.
Kevin uncrossed his legs and leaned forward as he sat on the edge of his desk and looked down at me. “Giavanna, the holidays ended almost a month ago. I don’t know what you’re hiding from me, but if you don’t talk to me I can’t fix it. Now for the last time, is there anything I can do to help you perform better?”