by Mandy Baggot
Ellen could feel her father’s eyes on her and she just wanted to curl up. She didn’t want to be centre of attention now Lacey’s life had calmed down.
‘Why didn’t you tell me any of this when I got ‘ere?’
No one spoke and when Ellen lifted her head both Al and Lacey were looking at her for a reply.
‘I … don’t know. I suppose there was so much else going on I just …’ She looked to her dad. ‘You had a lot of other things on your mind.’
Al wiped his mouth with a napkin. ‘That’s ‘ow this whole mess started with Ross. Not tellin’ me things. Keepin’ stuff to yourself.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. I should have told you but, at the time, it didn’t seem as important as Mark being here and then Ross and …’
‘Well things are gonna change round ‘ere.’ Al put his napkin down on the table. ‘Once you girls both move back in then we’ll all be there to look out for one another.’
‘Yay!’ Lacey squealed, throwing her arms around Al’s neck.
Ellen went cold. What had he just said? Once you girls both move back in. She wasn’t going to move back home. She may live in a less illustrious area of the city but it was still her space and one she didn’t intend giving up.
‘Dad, I …’ Ellen began.
‘And I’d better meet this Yan. Properly, I mean.’
‘Dad, there’s no need. I mean we’re going home in the morning and …’ She stopped talking when she couldn’t find the words to say next. Her mind was clouding up with both issues, her brain desperately trying to sort and prioritise which one needed to be dealt with first.
‘So you’re not going to keep in touch?’ Lacey frowned.
‘No. I mean, I don’t know, maybe.’
‘Well, ‘e’s in this fire show tonight isn’t ‘e? Maybe we’ll ‘ave a drink after,’ Al suggested.
‘Yes, Dad. We’ll take you to Bo’s Bar. It’s on the beach and they do limbo. But don’t worry if you don’t want to, it’s just for fun. Dasha will be up for it. He’s the one who wears dresses, but don’t let that put you off. He’s such a laugh.’
* * *
‘Tonight, we present for you, mystical and magical show. It take years of training to be able to perform these trick and illusion but here, at Blue Vue Hotel, tonight, Sergei and Yan will bring for you … Fakir!’ Tanja exited stage right.
‘What did she say?’ Al asked.
‘Fakir,’ Ellen responded.
‘Can you swear like that in front of children?’
She closed her eyes. Right now the only reason she was here was to support Yan. What Al had said about moving back home had shocked her. They’d talked about Lacey moving back in when everything fell apart with Mark, but how had that translated into her moving back home too? She was so grateful for her dad’s support over Ross but she’d never even considered leaving her flat for a second. She knew she was old enough to make her own choices but she also knew what Al and Lacey were like when they ganged up. A heavy hint here, a three a.m. vomit trip from Lacey that Al couldn’t cope with there, comfortable Sunday dinners where she ended up staying over the night etc. etc. As much as she wanted to spend more family time together, doing it permanently had never been on the agenda.
The lights went up and there in the middle of the stage were Sergei and Yan, bare-chested, wearing Harem pants, bandanas covering their heads. Both were looking out into the crowd, expressionless.
‘He told me all about this show on the boat. It involves glass, fire and nails. Apparently one animation guy got impaled and had to be carted off to hospital,’ Lacey told her.
* * *
When they looked out into the audience they were supposed to focus beyond them. They weren’t meant to see the lights or any of the faces, just get into the character of their performance and the right mental zone.
The first thing Yan saw was Ellen. She was sitting only a few tables from the front with her father and Lacey. Her hair was tied back from her face and she was wearing a lemon-coloured top. He swallowed. He needed to bring himself back to the moment, back to what he was doing. Losing focus was a one way ticket to making a mistake and he didn’t want to be making a mistake with a bed of nails.
Tanja and Dasha entered from stage right, both dressed in black, although Dasha had added sequins to his outfit. They set down the bed of nails in the middle of the stage. He heard the intake of breath from the crowd and he tried to block it out. He needed to find the beat of the music, the deep, resonating drum and the ethnic vibe.
Yan closed his eyes and tried to find his centre. But he couldn’t clear his head. All he could see was a carefree Ellen, grass licking her legs as she ran through the ruins of Kassiopi castle. All he could hear was her laughter, that gentle sound that pulled at his heart, her calling his name as they’d made love under the olive trees.
‘Yan,’ Sergei hissed.
He opened his eyes. It was time.
* * *
‘Ooo I don’t like this. I’m not sure I can watch.’ Lacey had put her fingers over her eyes as soon as the bed of nails had arrived.
‘Are they really gonna do it, d’you think? Or is it some sort of illusion?’ Al asked.
Ellen couldn’t take her eyes from Yan. He looked haunted. Was it part of the act or something else? Their last day together had been so perfect. He had seemed so happy about the future, with the renovation of the church, and their decision to keep in contact. Now he looked somewhere between nervous and terrified.
She shifted on her seat, her bottom sticking to the chair. It was a humid night and every inch of her was moist. Al had lit a citronella candle on the table and although its smoke was keeping the mosquitos at bay it was drying up her throat.
‘I can’t watch,’ Lacey said again.
Ellen moistened her lips and tried to remember that Sergei and Yan had done this all before. It was a show they performed regularly and neither of them had been hurt on any other occasion. She rested her elbows on the table and, without thinking about it, she crossed her fingers.
Yan leant back over the bed of nails and the crowd all held their breath as Sergei hovered nearby.
‘He’s not going to, is he?’ Lacey remarked.
‘I need another drink,’ Al responded, crushing the empty cup in his hand.
Ellen was holding her breath as Dasha took hold of Sergei’s hand and helped him to climb up onto Yan’s midriff.
‘Ouch!’ Lacey exclaimed.
The team all stretched their arms out straight and held the pose as the audience burst into applause.
Ellen felt sick.
* * *
Yan couldn’t fight the draw to her. He had to concentrate on something and pushing against what his mind wanted to do was just making things worse. As he lay there, the nails digging into his skin, pressing and bruising his shoulder blades with Sergei’s weight on him, he looked at Ellen.
She deserved so much. Love, a bright future, someone who was truly her match. Could he really be that person? She was so clever, so full of knowledge. What did he really have to offer her?
He pressed his lips together as Sergei shifted and a wooden board was placed on top of him. He wanted her so much, wanted this to work, but after all the lies and deceit she’d had in her life, she needed nothing but the truth.
He felt two audience members climb onto the board and he held himself completely still, his breath stoic. What was anything without trust and truth? Whatever the fall out, he knew he had to tell her.
50
Flames shot out into the audience and Lacey let out an ear-splitting scream. The heat from the fire was intense as it flashed forward just stopping shy of the roped-off area. Every member of the crowd was clapping in time to the music as Sergei and Yan twisted and turned the flaming batons, blowing balls of fire and making swirling circles of light. It was by far the best show they’d seen.
Then the batons were put out and the performers took the applause and a standing ovation.
Ellen clapped hard,
standing up and smiling at Yan. She had never seen anything quite like it and all that was running through her head were thoughts of what they might have together in the future. She glanced across at her dad and Lacey. Tomorrow, by lunchtime, they would be back in England and if Al had his way she’d be back in her childhood bedroom by the weekend. She didn’t want that.
‘Another drink, Ellie?’ Al asked, standing up.
‘Yes, I’ll have a Metaxa and Coke.’ She was getting slightly too accustomed to the local brandy. It was probably a good job she wouldn’t be able to afford it when she got home.
‘Lacey?’ Al asked.
‘Ooo yes, I’ll have an Apricot Cooler. Actually, get two because all inclusive finishes at eleven.’
Ellen watched Yan and Sergei disappear backstage. She wasn’t just going to miss Yan, she was going to miss the whole place. It was so strange how you could spend only a week somewhere but become so completely embedded in it, like you somehow belonged.
‘So what’s going on with you and Yan? I thought things were sorted and you were going to make a go of it long distance,’ Lacey spoke.
‘We are.’ She sighed. ‘I just … don’t want him meeting Dad in that way yet. I mean, I’m thirty, Lace, it isn’t like I need his seal of approval.’
Lacey folded her arms across her chest. ‘We’re one of those families are we?’
‘What?’
‘One of those dysfunctional families. Father with kids by two different women, younger daughter with a broken engagement, elder daughter a victim of crime so turns to crime herself, no one tells anyone anything …’
‘Hang on …’
‘I don’t want us to be like that. I want us to be close like we used to be.’
‘I want that, too.’
‘Dad needs to feel useful. You know that. He’s been like that as long as I’ve been alive and I’m sure he was the same after your mum died.’ Lacey let out a breath. ‘All I’m saying is, you might not need his seal of approval but he might need to give it.’
Ellen nodded. She knew exactly what Lacey meant. It didn’t matter if Al really approved of Yan, it wasn’t his call to make, now she was an adult. But he needed to be asked his opinion. He wanted to feel necessary.
‘Besides, when you move back in I’m going to need you to be in his good books for all the tales you’re going to have to spin when I come in late and slaughtered.’
* * *
Yan was on edge. He had busied himself dancing with the children for the rest of the evening, knowing that what he had to say to Ellen couldn’t be said here, with other people around, with her sister and father nearby. It had to be said in private, away from any distractions.
‘Hi, hi, hi! Amazing show tonight! Tanja is buying drinks at Bo’s Bar!’ Dasha slapped his hand hard on Yan’s nail-pricked back, making him flinch.
‘Hey, Dasha,’ he greeted.
‘So you come now? To Bo’s Bar? Drinks on Tanja?’
‘I would like this but after show I am tired and …’ Yan began.
‘You hear me? Tanja buy drinks.’ Dasha’s eyes went wide. ‘You are star of Fakir show.’
‘I know this but …’
He couldn’t help but look over to Ellen. She was stood up next to her table, collecting plastic cups to dispose of. The lemon top she was wearing brought out the sun hued tints in her hair.
‘Ah, now all is clear,’ Dasha said. He slapped another hand on Yan’s back and performed an elaborate wink.
‘What?’ Yan asked.
‘No need to explain. I understand. I see you tomorrow!’ Dasha backed away, winking ridiculously and waving a hand.
* * *
‘Go and get him,’ Lacey ordered. ‘Dad wants to meet him.’
‘Come on, Lacey, this isn’t fair.’ Ellen stacked the cups into a tower and realised just how many drinks they’d all consumed that night.
‘I don’t see what’s unfair about it. When I first started going out with Mark I had to bring him to Nan’s for Sunday dinner. Don’t you remember? We had all the old war stories. She even put on Chas and Dave.’
‘You’re not ashamed of your old man are you, Ellie?’ Al winked at her.
There was just an edge of something in his jokey tone that hinted that he might be upset. That was the last thing she wanted. Al had swiftly dealt with Ross for her. All he wanted was to meet her boyfriend. Boyfriend sounded completely alien.
‘Of course not, Dad. It’s just that he isn’t meant to “get close” to the residents and …’
‘What d’you think I’m gonna do? ‘ammer his thumbs to the table and demand ‘e marries you?’
‘No. No of course not.’ Now she was sounding stupid. It was an overreaction. Why couldn’t she introduce him? They were only going to talk, not plan the grandchildren.
‘Go and get him over here or I will,’ Lacey threatened.
Lacey on the loose after a bucket’s worth of cocktails was something no one at the Blue Vue Hotel wanted. She would have to give in.
* * *
Yan saw her heading towards him and his stomach twisted. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell her. His determination swung back and forth every time he set eyes on her. He loved her. He didn’t want to hurt her. But would he rather lie? Hurt her when the truth came out in time? Because it would. If they were going to be close she was going to find out. Probably when he never emailed or called.
‘Hi,’ she greeted.
She was brushing her fingers down the front of her top as if she was self-conscious about something. All it did was highlight her neat figure, shoot memories of him caressing those curves, his lips delivering light kisses to every inch of skin.
‘Hi,’ he responded.
‘Listen, this is a bit embarrassing but …’ She stopped, swallowing and recomposing herself. ‘My dad wants to meet you.’
Like an avalanche, his mind was instantly swamped with visions of Rayna and her father. His tears when she wouldn’t listen. Her father’s smug expression. The rejection, the pain. History was about to repeat itself.
Before he knew it he was shaking his head.
He saw the look of confusion spread over her face. Her eyebrows furrowed, her lips together, a lack of understanding in her eyes.
‘It won’t be bad, I promise. I know you met him when you told him about Ross but Lacey told him about us and he’s a traditional kind of man. He just wants to say hello.’
Yan shook his head again. ‘No. I cannot.’
He couldn’t think straight. All the visions from Bulgaria were impacting like he was stepping on land mines, the images more vivid and real as every second went by.
‘Yan, what’s wrong?’
He didn’t deserve her concern. He’d lied to her. Even used her to keep the lie hidden.
‘I have to go.’
‘What?’
He couldn’t say anything else.
* * *
Yan had left her; turned and walked briskly off, across the complex. She saw his disappearing form heading left, towards his room. She swallowed and took a look back at her dad and Lacey. They hadn’t seen the scene. They were busy talking to the German couple who had been sat at a nearby table all evening.
She knew her father was domineering and opinionated, not necessarily someone you’d feel comfortable with at first meeting, but it didn’t have to be half an hour spent discussing cranes and diggers. It could have been a quick hello, just a small acknowledgement of their relationship.
She looked back to Lacey and Al again. The German couple had pulled out a pack of cards.
She needed to fix this. She headed off in a bid to catch him up.
51
‘Yan!’
Ellen could see him just ahead, striding up the incline towards the block that housed his room. He must be able to hear her, which meant he was ignoring her. What had she done that was so wrong?
‘Yan!’ she called again. She was running now, desperate and getting out of breath as she tracked up the
path behind him.
And then, just like that, he stopped.
She slowed a little, trying to re-establish a better breathing pattern, as she made her way up to him. As she neared she noticed the slump of his shoulders, the way his head was hanging. There was more to this than meeting her father. There had to be.
Yan turned then and faced her. ‘You should go. You should be with your family.’
There were tears in his eyes, tension in his torso and emotion layering his voice.
‘I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong.’ She reached out to touch him.
He snatched his arm away. ‘Me! It is me! I am wrong!’ he yelled. ‘I am wrong for you. I am wrong for everybody!’
‘That’s not true. Why would you say that?’ Her forehead creased in confusion. ‘Tell me what’s happened.’
‘What has happen?’ He scoffed. ‘What has happen is that I lie. I lie to you. I lie to everybody.’ Throwing his arms in the air he turned towards the steps to his room.
‘I don’t understand,’ Ellen said, following him.
‘I know this. I know you do not understand because that is the way I want for this to be.’
* * *
Yan unlocked the door and pushed it open, depositing the key fob in the slot on the wall. He flicked on the main light. He had to keep moving, keep doing, keep running away.
He turned to face her. Putting his hand on the door he made to shut it.
‘You’re going to close the door? Shut me out?’ Ellen asked.
The look on her face was tearing at him. Right at this moment she loved him, was concerned about him, worried. In a few minutes, if he told her, she would hate him for what he was and for all the lies he’d told. He needed to preserve the beautiful memories, hold on to what they’d had. He’d fallen deep, despite himself, and it was something to cherish.
His hand fell away from the door and he stepped back.