by Mariano, Sam
I feel a kinship with Kasey already, and this is only my second interaction with her.
By the time I follow her to an empty section of table and sit down with her, I’m already feeling a little more comfortable. The odd look from the jocks has certainly come my way, mainly from Erika, who is glaring at me through narrowed eyes like she personally owns the cafeteria, and she’s contemplating coming over to kick me out.
“Ignore her, she’s a bitch,” Kasey tells me, plucking a French fry off her food tray.
Glancing away from Erika and down at my own, I smile faintly. “Believe me, I know.”
“So, anyway, the reason I wanted to talk to you is I wanted to see if you’d be interested in writing for the school paper. I cyber stalked you a little bit and discovered you work at a bookstore. Can I assume you like to read?”
“I do,” I verify, unbothered by her admission of stalking. I probably would have stalked her to find out what her deal was, but I was too wrapped up in Carter.
“Okay, so, we’ve decided to add a book review column to the paper, but all of our writers have assignments. We don’t have anyone who was interested in making this their regular beat, and I thought, you’re smart, you read, you work at a bookstore—who better to do the column? Plus, if you’re on the fence, it will look good to colleges,” she adds, to entice me. “I know you have work and youth group and church, but you don’t have any extracurriculars at school. You spend as little time here as you possibly can, and to be perfectly honest, I think being able to add book reviewer for the school paper to your resume would make you look more well-rounded.”
Baffled by the amount of thought she has put into my college resume, I blink at her, searching for a response.
Reaching into the small purse she carries with her, she draws out a white envelope and passes it across the table. “And before you say anything, if you answer yes, you get this.”
I pull the envelope closer and pick it up. Opening it, I find a $100 bill and two $50 bills inside. “What’s this for?”
“Your stipend,” she answers, sounding all proud of herself. “You can use that money to buy the books you want to review. We prefer new releases, but the section is yours to do whatever you want with. If you want to do a spotlight on older releases, that’s fine, too. It’s completely up to you. Just clear the book with the editor, write your review, and that’s it. It’s an easy gig, it’ll look good to the colleges you’re applying to, and you get $200 to spend on books.”
“This is mine?” I question, skeptically. “I can spend all of it on books? I don’t have to pay it back or anything?”
“Nope. You don’t even have to show receipts. You take that money and don’t even mention it again.”
“Don’t mention it?”
“Well, the movie reviewer doesn’t get a stipend, so they’d probably be a little salty. I wouldn’t mention it.”
“Then why do I get one?” I ask.
“Don’t look the gift horse in the mouth,” she advises me. “So, are you in?”
“I guess I have to be,” I admit, fingering the envelope. “Don’t you want some proof I can do the job or something, though? I’ve never written a review before. Shouldn’t I submit some kind of writing sample?”
“I mean, it’s not rocket science. If you’re at a loss for how to write a review, I can direct you to a few good ones so you can get a feel for it. But no, you don’t have to try out. I had you in mind for the position, so if you want it, it’s yours.”
“Well, thank you,” I say, sliding the envelope under my tray. “Do I have to attend the newspaper meetings?”
“Nope. You can if you want to, but it’s not required. You’ll be a designated book reviewer, so you won’t need to be there to get assignments or any of the other stuff concerning the paper. You’ll do your own column, submit it, and that’s it. It really won’t require much from you. I’m sure you would be reading the books anyway, now you’ll just have them paid for and you’ll write a little block of text about it.”
“That’s awesome.” I flash her a smile. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
Kasey smiles. “No problem.”
I start eating my lunch, thinking about which book I’ll read for my first review. Kasey doesn’t seem to mind my preoccupation and we eat in a companionable silence. She checks her phone from time to time and eats her own lunch, and overall it’s a pleasant trip back to the lunch room.
At least, until the seat beside me is suddenly occupied, and I look up to see Luke sitting there. I don’t mean to gape at him in horror as he flashes me a smile, but I do. My gaze jumps across the cafeteria to Carter, and he is looking right at me, a fry frozen mid-air on its way to his mouth.
Oh, my God.
“Um, I—you can’t…” I shake my head, trying to clear out some of the panic. “I’m so sorry, you can’t sit with me,” I tell Luke.
Rather than look offended, Luke merely lifts his eyebrows in surprise. “Why not? This seat reserved for someone else?”
I don’t feel like I have time to explain. Just the fact that he walked over here is going to be incriminating, but for every second that he sits here, Carter is going to be more convinced I really am dating Luke. I don’t know what he can actually do to Luke, but I really don’t want to find out.
My skin feels hot with the adrenaline surging through me. I try not to look at Carter even though I’m tempted. I don’t want to look even more like a kid caught with a hand in the cookie jaw. “Luke, please. I’m not tryin’ to be mean or rude, I swear I’m not, but you need to go back to your table right now.”
He doesn’t move. Instead, he picks up half of his turkey sandwich from his tray like he’s going to start eating. “I might, but you haven’t said why.”
“Carter,” I blurt. “We—we just broke up and I don’t want to rub his face—I mean, not that there’s anything between you and me, but he might think….” Sighing, I say, “Just please go sit with Grace.”
“Ah.” Luke nods, but his expression remains determined. “Carter already told me to stay away from you. Turns out, Carter’s not my boss.” Looking at me more pointedly, he says, “Or yours. You broke up. Why does he have any say who you spend time with?”
“It’s complicated,” I tell him, stealing a glance at Carter. He’s still watching, his eyes darkened with devious intent. Fuck. “Please. I don’t want trouble, Luke.”
“There shouldn’t be any trouble,” he insists, stubbornly. “You’re not in a relationship with him—”
“It doesn’t matter,” I interrupt, since he’s wasting time. “He has a mean streak you might not have seen, but please trust me on this. You don’t want him for an enemy.”
Luke doesn’t move. “I can’t believe you’re letting him control you like this,” he states.
My jaw drops. More that Luke would actually say that to me than anything else. “I’m not letting him control me.”
“Yes, you are. He clearly threatened you and that’s why you’re trying to shoo me away. He threatened me, too, but here I sit.” Unscrewing the cap on his bottled water, Luke suggests, “Maybe I’m not as boring as he thinks I am.”
I cringe. I don’t know what Carter actually said, and I’m too embarrassed to ask. I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed over the possibility of what Carter might have said, or just for Luke in general. I don’t even know how to respond to that. I don’t want to verify that Carter called him boring, but it sounds like Carter said that to him. God, I can only imagine what Carter might have said. And he had my panties! My face flushes about ten different shades of red as I run through the possibilities.
Luke won’t leave, so I don’t know what to do.
I look up at Kasey to see what she thinks of all this, and she is looking at Luke with an expression I can only describe as faintly hostile. It throws me, and for a minute, I stop worrying about Carter to wonder what the hell that’s about.
It takes less than five minutes for Carter to make his way o
ver to the table. I have to admit, I didn’t think he would. Our battle is usually a private thing, just between us. I figured he would keep to his side of the cafeteria and maybe message me later to remind me that I’m not allowed to talk to boys.
Instead, he comes over and stops behind me. He plants his hands on either of my shoulders and does the strangest thing—he starts to give me a casual shoulder rub. “Didn’t expect to see you in here,” he tells me.
“I’m full of surprises,” I offer.
“That you are,” he agrees smoothly. “How are you feeling today?”
I frown and twist to look up at him suspiciously. “Fine,” I say slowly.
His voice is warm, convincingly caring. “Good.” Then he leans in, slides his hand down my core until it’s splayed across my stomach, and says, “It’s too soon for you to be causing Mommy trouble, little guy. You better be good in there.”
I actually feel the color drain out of my face. Kasey’s jaw drops, her eyes popping. I am frozen in shock. Since Carter wasn’t quiet or even remotely subtle, and since he draws attention wherever he goes anyway, when I look down at the rest of the table, I see more wide eyes, friends nudging each other with telling glances, and at the table behind Kasey, people glancing back at us unsubtly while others lean in and whisper.
Carter just effectively told the whole senior class that I’m pregnant with his baby. Those who aren’t sitting close enough to hear will have heard through the grape vine before school lets out today.
When I finally have enough composure to speak, I tell him, “I am going to kill you.”
“Oh, don’t tell anyone,” he adds like an afterthought, smacking Luke on the shoulder in a casually pal-like way. “She hasn’t told her mom yet, so—”
“I am not pregnant,” I interrupt, beginning to seethe again.
This is the kind of rumor that stands a chance of lingering, even long past the point of people seeing I obviously am not pregnant. They won’t know without a doubt that I was never pregnant. Not having a baby doesn’t mean I was never pregnant, it could mean I got an abortion. Getting Jake kicked off the football team made me a prude bitch, but if people think I did that… Well, shit. That’s not going to go over well.
“You won’t rest until you’ve completely ruined my reputation, will you?” I demand.
“Hey, you’re among friends here,” Carter returns. “I’m sure they won’t tell anybody.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I’m not pregnant,” I say again, glaring up at him. “Least of all with the spawn of Satan, which is what I would be carrying if you impregnated me.”
Carter smiles. “Now, that’s no way to talk about our baby, Zoey. Those hormones are acting up something fierce, aren’t they?”
“Murder,” I say again, my eyes widening. “I’m literally going to kill you. I thought it would be you who murdered me, but no.”
“Oh, shit. Before I forget…” He takes his hands off me, reaches into his pocket, and a moment later he dangles my panties in front of my face. “You left these in my car the other night.”
Kasey covers her face to hide a helpless grin.
I snatch the fabric out of his hands, turning an even deeper shade of red. “I hate you so much,” I inform him.
“That’s all right,” he says, touching my shoulder. “Makes the sex better.” Before I can say anything else, he fists a hand in my hair, yanks me back, and plants a kiss on me. “See you later, babe.”
Humiliation washes over me as Carter walks away. I swipe a hand across my mouth in a vain attempt to wipe away his kiss, but I can still taste him on my bottom lip, and it wasn’t even a deep kiss. My stomach rolls over. I feel like I might actually vomit, but I know it’s just from the immense stress he just delivered onto my shoulders.
“I’m so sorry,” Kasey says, apparently ashamed of herself. “I know he just dropped you in a pot full of boiling water, I know it’s not funny, but… damn. That was merciless.”
The funny thing is, this is the merciful version of Carter. I don’t bother telling her that. I can’t even look at Luke. His brother’s story about the girl who got pregnant by the former Longhorn and essentially ruined her life springs to mind. I wonder if Luke will run to James and tell him what Carter said. When I show up at church on Sunday, will his whole family think I’ve been knocked up by Carter Mahoney? Will someone say something to my mom? I don’t know if she would be sad for me, or absolutely gleeful that I got a hook into Carter Mahoney for the rest of his life.
This is untenable. I can’t believe Carter just did that.
I look over now that he’s back at his table and stumble across the only small measure of satisfaction I can possibly get out of this. Jenna is sitting at Erika’s table, her mouth hanging open as she glares daggers at me. I don’t want to feel so vindictive toward another girl, but she tortured me when she flirted with Carter so much in class the other day. I have to admit, even though I’m horrified by what Carter just did, I’m not all that sad that I got to return the favor.
Chapter 43
Tuesday morning as I approach my locker, my heart sinks at the sight a pale blue party banner draped across my locker door announcing to the world, “It’s a boy!”
I tear it down gracelessly, wad it up, and take it over to throw into the trash can. I don’t know if Carter put it there or someone else did, but I can feel eyes on me again. I’m pretty slim to begin with, but I notice myself sucking in my stomach as I turn with my books to leave the locker, all too aware of the searching gazes of people looking for a baby bump like I’m an A-list celeb and they’re reporting for a sleazy gossip rag.
Forget that I haven’t even known Carter long enough to be so pregnant I would be showing, but people don’t think. They hear something semi-believable and run with it. The facts don’t even matter.
On top of Carter’s bullshit, I’m PMSing. I should have stayed home in bed and called myself in sick. There’s a quiz in Spanish today though, and making them up is a hassle, so I guess I just have to deal with this nonsense.
I ignore my way through the first part of the day, only paying attention to my surroundings when I get to history. Carter isn’t late today, he’s already in class when I show up. Jenna is still seated behind him, but she’s not flirting with him today. Looking a bit irritable, she plays on her cell phone while we wait for the bell. Carter does nothing to solicit her attention. Instead, he sits there and sketches.
I expected history class to be awful, so the calm lack of eventfulness is a godsend.
About halfway through history, someone from student council knocks on the door. Mr. Hassenfeld goes to the door and opens it and she peers in, a bright smile on her face. “I need Zoey Ellis in the guidance counselor’s office.”
I blink in confusion. Mr. Hassenfeld looks back at me, also unprepared. “Zoey, you’re needed in the office.”
I hate being the center of attention so much, but everyone looks at me as I gather my things and slide out of my desk. When I’m walking past, a girl leaning forward whispers to the girl in front of her, “I bet it’s about the baby.”
At this point, I can only sigh. I’m getting so tired of all this. Maybe I need that time machine to go back to when Jake felt me up. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, then he would still be playing ball and I wouldn’t have had a target plastered on my back in the first place. Carter Mahoney never would have noticed me. No one would talk about me or judge me, because no one would know who I am.
Certainly, there would be no rumors. I’m not scandalous enough to do anything to provoke rumors, only the guys who terrorize me are.
Maybe I should stop washing my hair and start wearing baggy clothes to school. If no one wants to fuck me, no one will be interested in dragging my ass through the mud or ruining my reputation. Maybe fighting them off is just too much work, too unpleasant. Maybe I should just accept my role as their disposable plaything and let boys who don’t give a damn about me do whatever they want.
On
second thought, no. Fuck that. Let them talk. Let them try to ruin my life. I can take it.
God willing, I won’t be stuck in this miserable town for much longer anyway. A year from now, I’ll be experiencing my first autumn in Pennsylvania. The weather will be so chilly I’ll need to wear a warm sweater. The leaves on all the trees will be the most beautiful shades of red, yellow, and orange. I wonder what the changing season will smell like?
Peace fills me at the thought. I need to keep that vision safe in my mind when this place starts to overwhelm me and get me down. None of this matters in the great scheme of things. I won’t be here much longer. Freedom is only a few months away, I just have to keep my eye on the prize.
I feel calmer and more centered when I show up at the guidance counselor’s office and knock on the door. Ms. Cunningham glances up, flashes me a smile, and waves toward the chair in front of her desk.
“Hi, Zoey. Come on in, have a seat.”
I step inside and close the door behind me, then walk over and drop into the chair. I’m tongue-tied, unsure what to say or ask. Before I can figure it out, she grabs a blue piece of clothing wrapped in plastic and puts it on the desk in front of me.
“This is for you.”
I put my books on my lap and grab the package. “What is this?”
“A Longhorn windbreaker,” she announces cheerfully. “We’re gifting all the honor roll students with one. A little reward for your outstanding achievement.”
Relief moves through me and I sit back in my chair, putting the wrapped windbreaker on top of my books. This is just about honor roll, not the stupid pregnancy rumor. “Thank you,” I tell her, even though I don’t have much use for a Longhorn windbreaker.
She smiles and nods. “While I have you here, I’d also like to go over your college plans with you. I have some updates since we talked at the start of the school year.” Rolling her chair back, she reaches into a file cabinet and pulls out my folder, then she wheels back to the desk. “I know we went over what you would need to do in order to get a full-ride scholarship at your first choice college.”