This was why agents in SPEAR didn’t usually develop relationships with outsiders. Apart from the problem of cover stories, there was always the risk of discovery. Until now, Del had been fortunate that his and Maggie’s paths hadn’t crossed, since she had been more or less limited by the baby to outings close to home.
Fortunately, from the looks of things, no harm seemed to have been done this time. The information drop had gone off as planned, and in his easygoing way, Bill had provided Maggie with an explanation for Del’s erratic route to the rendezvous.
But what if it hadn’t been simply a routine drop? What if Maggie had innocently followed Del into something more serious? Because of him, she could have put herself and Delilah in danger.
Delilah’s fussiness increased as the taxi maneuvered its way through the midtown traffic. Del’s concern over Maggie’s unexpected appearance became replaced by alarm. He turned to face Maggie. “She sounds upset,” he said.
“She is,” Maggie agreed, jiggling the child up and down. “And it’s all my fault. I never should have stayed out so long.”
“Can I help?”
“Thanks, Del, but there’s not much you can do, not unless…” Her words trailed off as she looked from him to the cabdriver. “As a matter of fact, there is something you can do.”
“Sure. Do you want me to take her for a while?”
“No, I’d like you to sit in front of me.”
“What?”
“Right here,” she said, patting the edge of the seat as she squeezed herself into the corner.
“Why?”
“I need you for a screen.”
“A scream?”
“No,” she said, raising her voice over the noise that Delilah was generating. “A screen.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She’s hungry. That’s why she’s crying. I stayed out past her feeding time.”
It took a moment for her meaning to register. When it did, Del felt a slow flush work up his neck. “You want to feed her?”
Maggie nodded quickly. She reached for the buttons at the front of her blouse. “It’s an emergency. I don’t think either of us can wait until we get home. I would have brought a bottle, but I hadn’t planned on being gone so long.”
Del shot a glance at the driver, then twisted sideways and moved over to Maggie’s side. Bracing one hand against the front seat with his back toward her, he positioned himself on the spot she had indicated.
She shifted her legs to one side of his hip. “Can you lean a little more to the right?”
He complied, placing his other hand against the door.
“That’s it,” she said.
Del felt her elbow bump into his back. Delilah’s cries became frantic.
“Uh, you’re going to have to lean forward a bit,” Maggie said.
Del did. There was a rustle of movement, and Maggie’s forearm pressed just above his waist. Two seconds later, Delilah’s cries abruptly stopped. The silence was startling. The only sound, apart from the traffic outside and the drone of the taxi’s engine, was a soft, rhythmic sucking.
She was nursing the baby, Del thought. Right here, right now. Close enough for him to hear. Close enough for him to feel her arm where she held Delilah to her breast.
Her breast. She had opened her blouse and bared her nipple. Inches away from his back.
Maggie sighed. “Thanks, Del. I thought I was going to burst.”
No, don’t think about it, he told himself. He kept his hands where they were. He couldn’t move, he didn’t dare. “Don’t mention it,” he said through his teeth.
“I really should have gone home sooner,” she said. “Poor Delilah. She’s drinking as if she’s half-starved.”
Del squeezed his eyes shut. No, he would not imagine what was happening. He wouldn’t think about nipples or breasts. She was simply feeding a hungry baby, participating in a function that was wholesome and natural for a woman’s body….
It wasn’t working. He could think of other functions for a woman’s body, for Maggie’s body. The cab was one of the vintage yellow behemoths that cruised New York, so it had more room in the back seat than newer cars, yet Del could feel Maggie’s thigh rub against his hip as she angled her legs next to the door. The extra pounds from her pregnancy had been melting away in the last week, but she still had retained enough to form curves that made his mouth water.
How would it feel if she wrapped both legs around him? His imagination all too readily supplied the answer. He could smell her bare skin beneath her opened clothing, and he felt sweat break out on his forehead. What she was doing, the way she was sitting so near…he had never been so achingly conscious of her femininity.
Oh, yeah, she would be a passionate lover. Earthy and sensuous, with no false modesty or shame about her physical needs. She was so generous and giving, any man would be honored to share her bed.
Any man? No, not just anyone. Not that jerk who deserted her. She needed a man who would respect her for the woman she was, who admired her, who cared about her, who could match her passion….
Del dug his fingers into the back of the front seat, surprised he hadn’t punctured the vinyl by now. This was torture, plain and simple. Did she think he was made of stone? Didn’t she know what she was doing to him?
No, of course she didn’t know, Del thought immediately. It was that damn corner he’d painted himself into. She trusted him. She wouldn’t be doing this in his presence in the first place if she thought of him as anything but a friend.
The taxi swerved as it turned a corner, and Del’s eyes snapped open. He met the interested gaze of the taxi driver in the rearview mirror.
“Don’t worry, pal,” the man said. “Seventeen years driving this cab, I’ve seen it all.”
Del knew that the width of his shoulders blocked Maggie from anyone’s view, but his reaction was instinctive. He bared his teeth.
The driver was astute enough to realize it wasn’t a smile. He returned his gaze to the road.
Del didn’t know how he endured the rest of the trip. By the time he walked Maggie to her apartment, Delilah was sleeping contentedly against her mother’s shoulder and Del felt as if every muscle in his body had tensed into steel.
He waited in the living room as Maggie went to change Delilah and put the baby in her crib. This couldn’t go on, he thought, pacing to the window. The way Maggie had breached his security this morning was bad enough, but he couldn’t continue this charade of friendship much longer. The best thing he could do, for both their sakes, would be to say goodbye now.
The tinkling sound of a lullaby drifted out of the bedroom from a music box Del had bought. The melody was bittersweet, a fleeting echo of childhood, a reminder of all that Maggie and Delilah had given him. Warmth, peace, contentment…all the things he lacked in his life with SPEAR. He pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew he was only delaying the inevitable—once the assignment ended, he would leave for good—but damn it all, he didn’t want to say goodbye now.
Maggie returned and came to stand directly in front of him. Her eyes were brimming with tears. “Oh, Del.”
He caught her by the shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
“I feel so awful. I owe you an apology.”
“You?” He let his hands slide down her arms. “You couldn’t possibly have done anything to apologize about.”
“Oh, yes, I did. It’s about what happened this morning.”
“Maggie, you couldn’t help it. Delilah was hungry.”
“What? You mean the way I nursed her? No, that’s not what I meant. You weren’t offended, were you?”
Offended? Hardly. Try fascinated. Stimulated. Frustrated as hell. “Of course not,” he answered.
“It’s about what I did before.” She looked away. “I lied to you.”
She lied to him? “Maggie, whatever it was—”
“Please, just let me get this out, okay? I hate lies, I really do,” she said fiercely.
Del’s bo
dy flooded with guilt.
“Alan lied all the time,” she went on. “Our entire relationship was a lie. I never want to go through that again. That’s why I want to be honest with you.”
“Maggie—”
“I value your friendship, Del. I don’t know what I would have done these past weeks without you. You’re the kindest, most considerate man I’ve ever known, and you don’t deserve to be lied to.”
Why didn’t she just pull out a gun and shoot him? he thought miserably. “All right,” he said. “Tell me what happened.”
“This morning I…I didn’t just happen to see you going into that restaurant. I followed you.”
“Is that all?”
“All?” She jerked her gaze to his. “Del, don’t you understand? I followed you all the way from the coffee shop.”
That far? So it hadn’t been his imagination, after all. He really had seen her on that subway platform. He was torn between berating himself for being so sloppy…and admiring Maggie for being so resourceful. Not only could she teach some of his fellow agents about courage and enduring pain, she could give them pointers on tailing a subject.
“I’m sorry, Del,” she continued. “It was so underhanded and sneaky. I’m ashamed—”
“No, Maggie.” Del moved his hand to her cheek. He wiped a tear away with the tip of his thumb. “Please, don’t upset yourself over this.”
She pressed her cheek against his palm and gave him a wavering smile. “After the way you were so sweet about helping me with Delilah in the cab, I felt so rotten, I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t confess. I owed you the truth.”
Sweet? She thought he was sweet? If she could have read his mind… “I’m glad I could help.”
“It served me right for trailing you like some kind of, well, secret agent. I just wish that I hadn’t made Delilah suffer.”
“Delilah seems to be fine.” He realized his thumb was straying dangerously close to her lips, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull away. He settled for stroking her hair behind her ear. “But why did you follow me, Maggie?”
“Because I wanted to know where you went.”
“Where I went? What do you mean?”
She blinked hard, as if debating whether to answer, but then she inhaled sharply and spoke in a rush. “I was curious. I wanted to know where your office was, where you go when you get those phone calls, whether you have a girlfriend or a wife or—”
“A wife? Maggie, there’s no one. I swear that to you.”
“But don’t you see? It wouldn’t be my business if you had an entire harem, Del. You’re my friend. Whatever you do in your private life—”
“Maggie, you are what I do in my private life. You and Delilah. Other than the two of you, all I have is my work and an impersonal hotel room,” Del said, realizing he was telling the absolute truth. “I know I don’t talk about my work very much, but that’s because I like to forget it when I’m here. I—” He hesitated. “I try my best to keep those two worlds separate.”
She stepped back and turned away, clasping her hands in front of her. “I’m sorry, Del. Ever since Alan, I’ve had a problem with trust.”
“That’s understandable.”
“But I hate being this way. That’s how my mother was, and I’ve tried all my life not to do the same.”
“Your mother?”
“Don’t get me wrong,” she said quickly. “I loved my mother. She was a wonderful person. She passed away three years ago, and a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t missed her. It’s just that she had this…tendency to look on the bad side of things.”
“How so?”
“My father died when I was five, and he didn’t have any insurance or any family, so it wasn’t easy for my mother to manage. She did the best she could, supporting us on her own, but I think the pain she felt when my father died turned her into a pessimist. She always assumed the worst. That way, she wouldn’t be disappointed.”
“That must have been tough on you. You’re such a positive person.”
“It was harder on her than on me. I realize it was how she coped with her difficult situation, but she missed out on so much because of her attitude. She wouldn’t only look a gift horse in the mouth, she would demand to see its dental X rays. She was so bent on looking for problems that she refused to believe in happiness, even when the chance was right there in front of her. It got to the point that she didn’t even want to try anymore. After my accident, she just gave up.”
“What accident?”
Maggie moved to where she had left the stroller, dipping her head as she focused on the handle. “I was twelve,” she said. “I was on my way to school one morning when a car swerved onto the sidewalk and hit me.”
“God, Maggie,” Del said. “How bad was it?”
She lifted a shoulder. “I don’t recall much about the accident itself, but I do remember it was right off the old pinprick-to-root-canal scale. My injuries were so bad the doctors said I’d probably never walk again.”
He tried to imagine this vibrant, energetic woman spending her life in a wheelchair, but he couldn’t.
“My mother didn’t want me to go to rehab because she was so sure it was pointless,” she went on. “I can’t blame her—I know she was only trying to save me from being disappointed. Luckily, I was only twelve, so I didn’t believe the doctors. I kept trying and eventually got better.”
She said it so easily, trying to downplay the trauma she had endured, but Del knew the courage she must have needed to fight her way to a full recovery. He’d seen the results of impact injuries, and he’d known agents who had spent years in slow, painful rehabilitation. He moved behind her, slipping his arms over hers and pulling her back against his chest. “You’re a very special woman, Maggie Rice.”
Her hair brushed his chin as she shook her head. “Oh, no. I’m as ordinary as they come. I just took one day at a time— that’s all I could do. I can’t count the number of times I fell flat on my face, but I figured it was better to try than to simply give up.”
“Making lemonade out of life’s lemons,” he murmured, remembering what she had said about the way Robbie had aced being an orphan. She had more in common with her neighbor’s foster child than he had realized.
“I guess. On the day I managed to walk on my own, I promised myself I would never do what my mother did. Life is precious, and I wasn’t going to waste it by being afraid to take chances. That’s why…”
“That’s why you took a chance with Alan,” he finished for her.
“Yes.” She leaned back with a sigh. “I did have my suspicions about him, but I let myself be fooled. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to love him. I wanted to grab my chance at happiness.”
He pressed his cheek to the side of her head. There was so much strength beneath her good-natured approach to life. Her spirit, her zest for living, her determination to be a good mother to Delilah, all of it made so much sense, now that he knew what she had been through.
Maggie didn’t accept his embrace for long before she sighed and turned in his arms to face him. She placed her palms lightly on the front of his shirt. “That’s why I’m doubly sorry for not trusting you, Del.”
“Please, Maggie. Don’t apologize.”
“I have to. Friends are honest.”
She was tearing him apart. The fact that she had succeeded in following him today only illustrated how risky their association could be. There were so many good reasons it would be best for both of them if he ended this relationship.
But how could he say goodbye after she had opened up to him this way? When his feelings for her were only deepening? For a crazy instant, he wanted to confess everything to her, tell her that she was right to doubt him, that when it came to liars, he was way out of hers or even Alan’s league.
But he wasn’t at liberty to tell her about his life. He couldn’t compromise his mission and SPEAR that way.
Still, maybe it was time to come clean about what he could. Sh
e deserved that much, didn’t she?
He eased his fingers into her hair, tipping her face toward his. “Maggie, I treasure the time I’ve spent with you and Delilah, and I feel privileged that you consider me your friend.”
“Oh, Del, you’re the best friend I have.”
“No, I’m not.”
“But—”
“Since we’re into confessions, maybe you should hear mine.”
Her gaze searched his, her blue eyes growing darker. “All right.”
“I don’t feel particularly friendly right now.”
“You don’t?”
He slid his other hand behind her, splaying his fingers over her back. “No.”
“Then how do you feel, Del?”
He smiled and gave her an honest answer. “I feel like kissing you.”
Her lips parted. Her gaze lowered to his mouth. “You shouldn’t.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t. But I do.”
“I’ve just had a baby.”
“I know. I was there. Only a kiss, Maggie, that’s all.”
“And I like being friends. I don’t want to start any other kind of relationship.”
“Me, neither.” He drew her closer. “But I still want to kiss you.”
Tentatively, she slid her hands up his chest. “This really would be crazy,” she whispered.
“Then you can blame me.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I can’t blame you, Del. Not when I’ve been crazy enough to think about the same thing for weeks.” Locking her fingers behind his neck, she tugged his head down.
It was a day for acting on impulse, Maggie thought. Her first impulse, the one that had sent her trailing after Del, had been a mistake. No doubt this second one might be a mistake, too. But as soon as his mouth touched hers, she decided to put aside her misgivings and simply enjoy the moment.
She should have known his kiss would be like this. Sweet, warm and gentle. He didn’t push or prod or hurry. Instead, he…savored. Yes, that was it. His lips whispered over hers. He took his time, as if he had been anticipating this in his mind as long as she had.
It seemed to be a day for honesty, too. Yes, she had been thinking about this. Even before Delilah was born, she had been looking at Del this way, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it. She didn’t want to trust her feelings. She didn’t want to trust Del, because she didn’t want to be hurt again.
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