Daraxandriel looked surprised. “We are not courting, Peter Simon Collins,” she said. “Thou hast not even set the terms of the date thou hast promised me.”
“What?” Olivia exclaimed, aghast. “You’re dating her and Melissa? That’s not fair!”
“Peter!” Even through the bathroom door, Melissa sounded peeved. “What’s taking you so long?”
“Sorry, something came up!” I called back. “Start without me!” I nudged Daraxandriel towards the hallway. “Let’s get out of here,” I whispered, hoping Melissa couldn’t hear me over the shower.
“What service does Melissa require of thee?” Daraxandriel asked curiously. “Is she not bathing?”
“What?” For a ghost, Olivia’s voice could get pretty shrill. “You’re taking a bath with her?”
“No! I’m just – she was trying to – never mind! Everybody out!” I shooed them out of the bedroom and closed the door behind us, setting my back to it with a sigh. “Oh my God,” I breathed as Daraxandriel and Olivia looked at me like I was a complete nutcase, which wasn’t far from the truth. Getting obliterated by a demon lord was starting to sound like the lesser of two evils.
3
Pizza is the most perfect meal format ever created in the history of mankind. It’s easy to make, it’s cheap, and it’s incredibly flexible. There are enough topping combinations to satisfy any random craving, dietary limitation, and religious restriction. It’s great straight out of the oven, it’s nearly as good cold, and it’ll keep in the fridge for days. Strangers will even bring pizzas straight to your door for just a few paltry dollars. It’s no wonder it’s the culinary mainstay of teenagers the world round, beating out hamburgers, hot dogs, and chicken nuggets by a country mile.
Pizza also reveals a lot about the consumers of this circular delight, beyond just the simple meat-versus-veggie divide. People who prefer one or two toppings are straight-forward and matter-of-fact individuals, ready to get the job done and move on. Those who pile every conceivable option on the crust have more complicated personalities and are often needy and obsessive, investing time and effort to find that perfect combination. Anyone who likes anchovies on their pizza is just strange.
Nothing assembles a crowd faster than an offer of free pizza. More endeavors have been launched and more successes have been celebrated out of a square corrugated cardboard box than any other foodstuff. Pizza is the foundation upon which my generation will build its legacy, right after we argue about who gets the last slice.
“Okay, who wants what?”
“Double cheese,” Susie said immediately. She sat in the middle of my bed, twirling her wand between her fingers like a drum major in a marching band. Her plain shirt and skirt combo was uncharacteristically modest and tasteful, something that even Mrs. Grady would have approved of.
“Do they have a supreme or something like that?” Melissa asked, still irked with me for abandoning her in the bathroom. She leaned over my shoulder to peruse Pizza King’s options on my laptop screen and her breath tickled my ear. She smelled like Mom’s shampoo, though, cancelling out any effect her proximity might have had on my libido.
“There’s a deluxe,” I told her, pointing. “Olives, peppers, mushrooms, onions, sausage, and pepperoni.”
“That’ll do.” She returned to the bed, continuing her campaign of disapproval by crossing her arms and glaring at me.
“Meat lovers for me,” I announced, pretending not to notice. “Dara, the usual?”
Daraxandriel pried her attention away from whatever she was doing on her own laptop. “Certes,” she said. “With a surfeit of pinecones.”
“Pineapple,” I corrected her. She was the only person I knew who actually liked Hawaiian pizza, although she usually picked the pineapple bits off and ate them first.
“Okay, so two medium pizzas, one half double cheese and half meat lovers, one half deluxe and half Hawaiian. Anything else?”
“I wish I could have pizza,” Olivia grumbled to herself. She was perched on top of my dresser kicking her heels against the drawers, although they didn’t make any sound.
“You can have some of mine. Olivia,” I explained to everyone else, pointing at the dresser.
“What’s the point? I can’t taste anything.” She slumped back against the wall. “I love pizza.”
“Well, couldn’t you try to become human again? You could eat it then.”
Olivia blinked at me and then she sat up straight. “That’s right! Oh, no, I can’t,” she mumbled.
“Why not?”
She cleared her throat. “I don’t have anything to, um, wear.” She pulled her nightgown tighter around her, as if she was afraid it would disappear if she let go.
“You’re sitting on a dresser full of clothes and the closet is stuffed with every outfit my mother could lay her hands on for Dara,” I pointed out. “Just grab something.”
“I guess.” She slid off the dresser and walked over to the closet. Everyone else stopped whatever they were doing and stared as the door opened all by itself. “Will these fit me?” Olivia asked doubtfully, surveying the multicolored wall of cloth hanging from the rod.
“I don’t know.” Olivia was a bit shorter than everyone else and her nightgown disguised her figure “What size are you?” The glimpse I had of her behind the library had been fleeting but I was willing to bet she was no more than a B cup.
“Peter!” she gasped, crossing her arms over her chest. “That’s personal!”
I rubbed my forehead with a sigh. “Can somebody help Olivia find something to wear?”
Daraxandriel, Melissa, and Susie looked at each other and then back at me. “What does she look like?” Melissa asked.
“Olivia, how about you turn human first so they can see you?” I sighed.
“Peter!” she squeaked in horror. “I’ll be naked!”
“I’ll leave first.”
“They’ll still see me!”
“But they’re girls,” I argued. “It won’t matter.”
“Of course it matters!”
They don’t pay me enough to put up with this, I thought irritably. They don’t pay me at all. “So grab something that looks like it might fit, go in the other room and put it on, and then come back here and get a different outfit if you need to.”
Olivia thought that over with a suspicious frown, as if she thought I was going to lock her out of my bedroom as soon as she left. “Okay,” she agreed slowly. “This seems like a pretty complicated way to get pizza, though.”
“You started it,” I reminded her. “What kind of pizza do you like?”
“Pepperoni.” She chewed on her bottom lip as she inspected the closet’s contents while I added a small pepperoni pizza to the order and dispatched it across the Internet.
“Forty-five minutes,” I reported.
Everyone ignored me as they watched articles of clothing swing out on their hangers of their own accord and then slide back into place. Finally, Olivia extracted a sleeveless blue shift and looked it over critically.
“I guess this’ll do,” she said unenthusiastically. “Where can I get changed?”
“The bathroom’s down the hall,” I reminded her. She hesitated, biting her lip anxiously. “What’s wrong?”
“I still need, um, you know,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “things.”
“Things?” She waved her hand over her chest and hips, looking terminally embarrassed. “Oh! Top drawer,” I told her, pointed to the dresser.
The other girls watched the drawer slide open on its own and one of Daraxandriel’s bras lifted itself up into the air. “It’s, um, it’s, ah, too, uh, I mean, not the right size,” Olivia said, stuffing it hastily back into the drawer. A plain pair of white cotton panties made a brief appearance before hiding in the folds of the shift. “I’ll, uh, be right back. No peeking!” she warned me.
“Scout’s honor.” Olivia left the room and everyone else let their breaths out.
“That is the creepiest thing I�
�ve ever seen,” Melissa said, shaking her head. “How can you stand being around her, Peter?”
“I can see her, remember? She’d just a regular girl, except she’s see-through.”
“See-through?” Melissa gasped. “Peter!”
“Not her clothes, her!” I assured her hastily. “I can’t see anything, I swear!”
“You better not,” she insisted. “I’m the only one you’re allowed to look at.” Daraxandriel glanced at her curiously but said nothing.
“Lilith says that any girl who has to use her body to get a boy’s interest isn’t worth the effort,” Susie observed. We all turned to stare at her. “What?”
“Susie,” I said slowly, “you do realize that Lilith is evil and she’s trying to kill all of us, don’t you?”
“That doesn’t mean she’s wrong,” she argued. “Besides, she’s mostly trying to kill you.”
“No, really? Thanks for letting me know.” A rumbling hum sounded and I checked my watch. “That’s probably Mom. I wonder if she saw any of the, um –”
“Freak tornado?” Susie suggested.
“Yes, that,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Don’t say anything about it if she doesn’t bring it up.”
“Peter?” Mom’s voice called from the kitchen. “Susie? Are you home?”
“In here, Mom!” I called. She appeared in the doorway a few moments later, looking flustered and relieved at the same time.
“Oh, thank goodness you’re all right!” she exclaimed. “After all those sirens and the reports on the radio, I was so worried!”
“We’re fine, Mom,” I assured her.
“But what was it?” she wondered. “The reporters couldn’t agree on what caused all that damage.”
The demon lord Bellaxragor Stormreaper appeared behind the library and unleashed a demonic whirlwind that would have wiped out the entire downtown area if we hadn’t killed him first. “It was probably a freak tornado,” I told her. Susie smirked to herself in satisfaction.
“A tornado?” Mom asked with a puzzled frown. “On a perfectly clear day?”
“I know, crazy, huh? So how were things at the animal shelter?” We needed a diversion before she asked any other uncomfortable questions.
“Oh, it was a nightmare,” she sighed. “All those stray cats suddenly went nuts in their cages. They started screaming like banshees and then they all got out somehow and ran out the door. We tried to catch them but then the sirens went off and we had to keep everyone inside.” She shook her head resignedly. “It’s going to take forever to round them up again.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it. They’re probably all back home by now.” Hell, in this case.
“Stray cats don’t have homes, Peter,” she chided me, “and they don’t just disappear into thin air. They’ll turn up sooner or later. There was even one sitting on our back fence when I drove up.”
“I’m on it!” Susie leapt from the bed and ran into the hallway. A few seconds later we heard the patio door slam.
“What in the world is that all about?” Mom asked doubtfully.
“She, ah, really likes cats,” I said.
“No, she doesn’t. The only animal she likes is that snake of hers.” Sugar the ball python lived a life of benevolent neglect in an aquarium in Susie’s room, with occasional appearances around her neck as a spotted necktie.
“Well, she didn’t like boys before,” I pointed out, “so now maybe she likes cats too.”
“Maybe.” Mom didn’t sound at all convinced. “So what are you all doing in Peter’s room? Oh, Melissa!” she exclaimed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even notice you there.”
“No problem, Mrs. Collins,” Melissa assured her. “The power’s out in my office so I thought I’d come over here for a bit.”
“Well, you’re always welcome, of course. So where’s Lilith?”
We all stiffened and Melissa and Daraxandriel stared at me, no doubt wondering how I was going to explain Lilixandriel’s absence to Mom. I couldn’t blame them, since I was wondering the same thing.
“She, um, had to leave suddenly,” I said. “Something came up.”
“You mean with her work?” Mom frowned.
“Yes, exactly. She had to go meet with some clients.” Otherwise known as demon lords eager to slaughter me for my Philosopher’s Stone.
“Oh, that’s too bad,” Mom said, shaking her head in disappointment. “I really enjoyed having her here. I bet you were sad to see her go, Dara.”
Daraxandriel blinked a couple of times. “Certes,” she said finally, with all of the enthusiasm of someone about to wade into a scum-filled pond.
“Do you think she’ll be back soon?”
“I can pretty much guarantee that,” I said resignedly.
Susie reappeared then, looking smug. “Got it!” she announced.
Mom looked her over doubtfully. “Where is it, then?”
“Where is what?”
“The cat.”
“It’s gone.”
“I thought you said you got it,” Mom said with a puzzled frown.
“I did. One shot and pow.” Susie made an exploding gesture with her hands.
“Sometimes I think we’re speaking completely different languages,” Mom sighed. “Well, I’m glad everyone’s all right. I guess I’ll start thinking about dinner. Will you be staying, Melissa?”
“Oh, sorry, Mom, we ordered pizza,” I told her. “It’ll be here in a bit.”
“I swear, you kids are going to turn into pizzas one of these days,” she grumbled. “I’ll call your father and see when he’ll be home. Maybe he wants to have a proper meal.” She left, shaking her head dolefully.
As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned to Susie. “So that cat was another imp?”
“Yep,” she nodded, dropping onto my bed again. “Fuge and instant imp puree.” She gestured with her wand and we all flinched.
“I thought they all left when Bellack-whatever showed up,” I said worriedly. “Why is one of them hanging around our house?”
“Mayhap it was too distant to heed his call,” Daraxandriel suggested.
“Or maybe there’s another demon lord on his way,” added Melissa.
“Neither of those possibilities are filling me with confidence,” I informed them tersely. “I hope Mrs. Kendricks and Agent Prescott have some ideas.”
A discrete cough pulled my attention to the doorway, where Olivia stood looking anxious. It took me a startled moment to recognize her, since she wasn’t wearing her signature pink nightgown anymore and she was in full color now, with her rich brown curls falling around her shoulders and her blue-gray eyes downcast to her interlocked fingers.
“Olivia!” I exclaimed. “So it worked?”
“It took me a few tries but yeah,” she said softly. “It feels weird.”
“Weird?”
“I don’t know. I feel kind of flimsy, like I’ll disappear if I sneeze too hard,” she grimaced.
“That dress looks good, anyway.”
“I guess. It’s a bit too big.” The shift hung loosely on her and reached past her knees but its color matched her eyes.
“Oh my God, you’re Olivia?” Melissa asked, her eyes wide. “You’re just a kid!”
Olivia’s eyes flashed in sudden resentment. “I’m seventeen!”
“You’re sixteen,” I corrected her.
“Almost seventeen!”
“Peter!” Melissa protested. “She’s not even legal!”
“What difference does it make?” I asked in annoyance. “It’s not like we’re having sex or anything.”
“What?” Olivia gasped, looking alarmed. “Nobody said anything about sex!”
“There’s no sex!”
“That’s for sure,” Melissa grumbled.
“Oh my God,” I muttered, massaging my forehead. “Look, everyone just find something to do until the pizza shows up.”
“I needs must replenish my stock of potions,” Daraxandriel said, turning back to her
laptop. She was playing Lorecraft again, I finally noticed.
“I’m going to look up demon banishing spells,” Susie announced, hopping to her feet. “Fuge is kind of messy.” She disappeared into her room.
“I need to call Daddy and let him know about the car,” Melissa sighed, retrieving her purse from the floor. She pulled out her phone and tapped on it as she walked out of the room. “Daddy?” I heard her say. “Are you sitting down?”
Olivia shrugged apologetically. “I don’t have anything to do,” she said.
“I usually play Lorecraft whenever I want to kill a bit of time,” I told her, gesturing to my laptop, “but you can get on if you want. I’ll find something else to do.”
“Lorecraft?” she frowned. “Is that a computer game?”
“You haven’t played it?” I knew in an abstract sort of way that some people weren’t gamers but it sounded strange to hear someone admit it out loud.
“I don’t play games all that much,” she shrugged. “I mostly read.”
“You’re welcome to grab something if you want,” I told her, pointing at my bookcase. “Sapphire Crown is a good series.”
Olive went over to peruse the titles while I fired up Lorecraft. I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she flipped through a couple of random volumes. “Are all of these comics?” she asked doubtfully.
“They’re Japanese manga.”
“They’re picture stories with speech bubbles and sound effects,” she argued. “They’re comics.”
“They’re graphic novels,” I corrected her. “Comics are just printed cartoons.”
“It’s the same thing,” she insisted. She read through a few pages and her face twisted up into a grimace. “This doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“You’re reading it backwards. Start from the right side.”
“Why?”
“That’s just how they do them,” I sighed, remembering the exact same conversation with Daraxandriel when she first showed up.
“That’s stupid,” Olivia muttered but she complied. After a few moments, she sat down on the end of my bed and kept on reading.
The room fell silent after that, except for the occasional click of a mouse and turn of a page. Melissa reappeared after a few minutes, leaned over my shoulder to see what I was doing, and then stretched out on my bed, browsing something on her phone. Mom passed by a while later, clucked something about kids these days, and continued on into her bedroom.
Necessary Evil Page 4