“She probably knew, with her drug addiction, that she’d never be granted custody of Kelsey.”
“No one knew about her drug addiction. Not the courts. Not the lawyers. I told her that if she got counseling, got cleaned up, I wouldn’t make an issue of it if she wanted to see Kelsey. I wasn’t out to get her. I wanted to help her. And I wanted to help my daughter, too. Kelsey adored Barbie. She needed her.”
“She needs you, too, Mark,” Meredith said, leaning forward. The scoop neck of her sweater fell open and Mark looked away. “Kelsey needs all of you, not just your head.”
“My daughter needs me to use my head to make the best decisions possible regarding anything that affects her life,” he said, keeping his gaze steadily on Meredith’s. “Thanks to you, I’ve met a wonderful woman. I’m attracted to her. I love her. And because she’s the exact opposite of Barbie, she’s perfect for both Kelsey and me. Where Barbie would react, cry, scream and run, Susan will think. I’ve never even heard her raise her voice.”
“I’m really sorry to hear that.” Meredith’s gaze darkened.
“What?”
“Susan’s got a great set of lungs,” she said. “And if she’s not using them, she’s not quite as alive as I’d hoped.”
God, she was infuriating. “Life doesn’t always have to be about conflict.”
“I agree,” she said, her voice soft, almost as if she was speaking to Kelsey or one of her students. “But if it doesn’t have any at all, it also can’t have its opposite and counterpart—pure joy.”
Just speaking the word seemed to bring a spark to Meredith’s face. Her lips curved upward, as if she had a special secret, and damn, he wanted to know it, too. He was tired. Had been fighting alone a long time. It was late. He’d just heard his daughter speak to him in a way he’d never believed possible—seen her go to bed without telling him good night for the first time in her life.
Though he instructed his eyes to do so, he couldn’t pull his gaze from Meredith’s lips.
“I have to go.” She stood up.
So did he.
“Do you know where I put my bag?” She fidgeted, glancing around the room. And then back at him, as if she couldn’t do anything else, either.
“I think it’s in the kitchen,” he said. “Susan brought it in from outside.”
There, he’d mentioned the woman he loved. The woman they both loved. They were on track again. Safe.
Meredith started to speak and then cleared her throat. Was her throat as dry as his?
“I’ll just go get it.”
Without taking his eyes from hers, he moved aside. She took a step. And then another.
“I’ll say good night now,” she half whispered, pausing as she passed him. “My car’s out back.”
“Thanks for…everything.”
Her head turned as she took another step. She was still watching him. “Of course. I’m always here if you need me.” She blinked, breaking the contact. And then met his eyes again. “If Kelsey does, I mean.”
He’d known what she meant. He started to tell her. She was so close. He nodded. Held out a hand as though to shake hers—to somehow solidify his gratitude. His fingers bumped her wrist.
And Meredith’s eyes clouded with pain.
“What’s wrong?” He stepped closer. “Did I hurt you?” He’d barely touched her.
She shook her head, her eyes glistening as though she might cry. He’d never seen her cry. Had hardly seen her lose her composure at all.
“I…” Meredith tilted her head, gazing up at him. Her eyes seemed to beseech him to understand what she couldn’t say.
He could have been in a wind tunnel, as clearly as he could hear at the moment. He didn’t seem to know much of anything. Except that he hadn’t meant to hurt her. In any way. At any time.
“You’re a very special woman, you know that?”
Trembling lips, a tremulous smile, were her only answers.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” The words were almost hoarse.
He didn’t know. The past. Their differences. The trouble his daughter was causing.
“This,” he said. And bent to touch his lips to hers. It wasn’t sexual. Wasn’t a come on or meant to be in any way disrespectful. It simply was.
Meredith’s soft, sweet mouth surprised him. She pressed gently, filling him with warmth. He would pull back now, probably should never have leaned forward to begin with. But he wasn’t ready to let go. To be alone. To send her out into the night with whatever demons were lurking behind those expressive eyes—demons she faced alone.
She was mystery and woman and friend. And he opened his mouth. She opened hers, too. Tilting her head slowly to fit him more securely. He shared the connection with her, a moment that made no sense—and made perfect sense. Until his tongue took them into something else.
Something powerful. Compelling. And dangerous.
“I HAVE TO GO.” Meredith yanked away from Mark’s lips, aghast. What in the hell had she done? Whose feelings had she been experiencing right then? Please let them be Susan’s.
Mark nodded, looking none too pleased himself.
With awkward movements she got to the kitchen, found her bag. Mark was behind her.
“That never happened,” she said to the wall, afraid of looking at him again.
“And that’s no way to handle this.”
She turned around against her better judgment. Searching for meaning in the eyes that had led her to betray her best friend. Something she’d thought she’d never do.
“If we pretend, hide, run, we give it power.”
He was right. She had nothing to add.
“It won’t happen again.” He sounded sure about that.
“Of course not.” She didn’t feel sure at all. About anything. Who was this woman who’d taken possession of her, and how would she find peace again? Was it even still there?
“Look, it’s been a long night, Meredith. We’ve been through a lot, both in real time and in reliving other times.”
She nodded.
“We had some pretty heavy-duty conversation. Unusual conversation.”
Agreed.
“It gave us a sense of…momentary closeness.”
Okay.
“And with that came a natural inclination to make a physical connection.”
She could go with this. “It wasn’t sexual,” she said.
“No sexual intent whatsoever.”
Fine, then. She wanted to ask him if he found her sexually unattractive, but the question was ludicrous.
“We haven’t just jeopardized our jobs.”
“Absolutely not.”
“Or been disloyal to Susan.”
“Not in the least.”
His peace didn’t make her feel peaceful. “Are you going to tell her or am I?”
He was quiet for a moment. And then shrugged. “Tell her if you need to.” The response was completely unsatisfying.
“Don’t you think we owe it to her?”
“If it was sexual, we would. But it wasn’t. And who, except for the people who were here, would understand that?”
He was right. No one would get it. She wasn’t even sure she did.
She reached for the door handle. “It will never, ever happen again.”
“I know.”
“We will not even get close to this happening again.”
He’d stayed by the counter. “Not even close.”
It hurt to look at him.
“Okay, then. Good night, Mark.”
She opened the door and ran.
“HEY, KENNY.”
“Hey.”
“Here’s your bag.” Standing on the far side of the bushes that surrounded Lincoln Elementary, Kelsey unzipped the side pocket of her backpack. “Sorry it’s so crumpled,” she said. “I had to fit parts of my volcano project in here, too.”
Kenny grinned and that made Kelsey feel good. She’d told Josie how cute he was, but she hadn’t told her
friend that Kenny’s smile made her feel weird stuff in her stomach. She was really starting to like the way his hair was so long that he looked like he needed it cut all the time.
“No problem,” he said. “It’s really lame that you even have to do this.”
“I don’t have to,” she told him, wishing she was in junior high, too. “I mean, last week, before I knew you, I kinda felt like I had to. But not this time. I told Don on Friday that I’m happy to help.”
“Why would you be?” he asked, completely serious as he took the bag and stuffed it under his arm inside his jacket. “You could get in lots of trouble.”
“No more than I’m already in,” she told him with a groan.
Someone passed and he pushed them farther into the bushes, standing in front so whoever was there wouldn’t see her. Kelsey wanted to die, thinking that an older boy as cute as Kenny would do something nice for her like that. She wished Josie could’ve seen it.
“Why?” he asked when the coast was clear. “What’d you do?”
“Screamed at my dad in front of his friends. Didn’t apologize when he told me to.”
“He’s a creep, huh?”
“No…” Would he like her less, if her dad was cool? “He’s just… He’s got this woman I think he might marry and he wants her to be like my mom and all, and I can’t let her.”
Kenny put a hand on a thick stake that was tied to the bushes, leaning a little closer to her. He smelled kind of different. But good. Kelsey liked it.
“No shit,” he said. “That’s tough. I remember when my old lady first started dating again. I hated it. But then I realized that because she brought other guys home it didn’t mean I couldn’t still have my dad be my dad. And besides, I didn’t want my folks together, anyway.”
He didn’t? He was so grown up. “Why not?”
“Because when they were together it was like them against me a lot of the time. When they aren’t, it’s just me and them.”
Yeah. Kelsey considered her time alone with each of her parents. He was right. “I never thought of that.”
“I don’t like it so much, now that I live just with my mom and can’t see my dad,” he said. “But that’ll change.”
“My mom has a lawyer to fix it all for us.” She told him something she’d only ever have told Josie before she knew Kenny.
“Yeah, my dad had one, too, but they cost a lot of money. We’re working on that, though.”
“You’re a nice boy, Kenny.”
“Nah.” He laughed. “I’m not.”
“Yes, you are.”
He got back his usual serious look. “You really think so?”
Kelsey flicked her hair back—she’d pulled out her ponytail on the way across the playground and pocketed the elastic. “I really do.”
“You know.” He switched hands on the stake. “No one’s ever told me that before.”
“Well, they should have,” she said, feeling pretty smart for once. “Because it’s true.”
“Well, Kelsey Shepherd, I think you’re nice, too.”
Her whole body got that funny feeling. “You do?”
“Yeah, but I’ll bet you’ve had lots of people tell you that.”
She couldn’t remember if they had. “Nope. Just you.”
He looked at her for a long time, and then stood up. “Well, I gotta go. My mom’s gonna be waitin’.”
“’Kay, me, too,” she said, wishing they didn’t have to leave. It was going to be hard waiting for next Monday to come. “Bye, Kenny.”
“See ya.”
She watched him run all the way to the end of the bushes and around the corner to the junior high. She might be losing her dad, and stuff was all screwed up with Meredith, but she’d met Kenny and she was getting her mom back.
Life worked out funny sometimes.
CHAPTER TWELVE
“YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL, do you know that?”
Susan gave him a hug, her face buried in his chest. He was a lucky man and he was going to concentrate on that fact.
“And you’re a good kisser,” she said.
He’d greeted her at her door with a kiss, but he hadn’t been the only one clinging. He bent to kiss her a second time.
Susan turned her head. “I didn’t call you over here to do this.” She sounded more emotional than he was used to. Sad almost.
He’d been a bit surprised, pleasantly so, at her Wednesday morning call, asking if he could get away for a lunch hour at her house. She’d had a patient cancel and she wanted to see him.
“So why did you ask me here?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since Saturday night…”
“So have I.” Mark turned her in his arms so that he could see her face clearly.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“What?” She was staring at him as if that was the last thing she’d expected him to say. After Kelsey’s outburst he could understand that.
“I want to marry you,” he said slowly, clearly, wanting her to know that he’d given this a lot of serious consideration. That his mind was firmly made up. He hadn’t expected to pop the question standing in her foyer, but… “You’re everything I want in a woman. I think about you a lot.” He brushed her breast lightly with the back of his hand. “I’m obviously attracted to you,” he said with a chuckle. “You’re smart. Kind. Loyal….”
“Stop.” She backed up a step, frowning. Mark wasn’t all that upset by the reaction. She’d consider all aspects, as he had. A passionate reaction to his proposal would not have been like her. Would not have been the response he’d look for in the woman he’d choose to marry the second time around.
This time he had to get it right. He couldn’t put his daughter—or himself—through a second failure.
“I’m going to ask you something and I want a completely honest answer, no matter how hard it might be to give,” she said.
That sounded ominous, but he was willing to try if it meant that much to her. He nodded.
“I mean it, Mark. I don’t want you sparing my feelings—or your own pride, either, for that matter.”
“Fine.” He reached for her hand. She intertwined her fingers with his.
“When we make love do you think of me?”
“Of course.”
She looked him straight in the eye. “Only of me?”
Mark started to say yes, but her eyes demanded complete honesty. And he owed her complete honesty. He looked away.
“Hey.” With a finger on his cheek, she turned his head back to her. “It’s okay.” She was smiling—and she had tears in her eyes. “Because I do it, too,” she admitted.
He wanted to know who else she’d been thinking about. And he would never tell her who had infiltrated his thoughts. It didn’t mean anything. And the other night in his kitchen had been one of those quirky moments when life is askew, when nothing makes sense. An overtired mind getting confused.
“Every single time we’ve made love, Bud’s been there with me,” Susan continued softly. “I’ve been telling myself that’s natural…”
“I’m sure it is.” It was logical.
“You’re the first man I’ve made love to since he died.”
Mark was moved by the confession. “I wish you’d told me.”
She squeezed his hand. “I think the fact that I didn’t is part of all this,” she said.
He still wasn’t sure what “this” was.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Mark.”
Everything suddenly changed. He still held her hand, but it was all different.
“Why?” he asked, taking a time-out to analyze what she was saying.
“Because it’s all too practical.” That was the last response he’d expected to hear from her.
“You’ve been talking to Meredith.”
“No.” She smiled gently. “But I probably should have. I expect I could have spared us both several months of trying to make something fit that wasn’t ever going to. K
elsey knew it wasn’t right. Kids always get these things, you know.”
“Of course it could fit! We enjoy each other’s company. We don’t fight. We make…” He’d been about to say “great love,” but then he stopped himself.
“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about someone who’s dead when I make love.” Her eyes filled with tears again, and that touched him more than anything else that had come before.
“It’ll pass, Suze,” he said, using his free hand to brush her hair from her forehead.
“I know it will,” she said, sniffling, blinking and smiling. “When I find a man who makes me forget him.”
“What if you never do?”
“Then I’ll spend the rest of my life looking and waiting, which is a better choice than giving up.”
“Which is what you’d be doing if you married me?”
“Wouldn’t you say so?”
He mulled over what she’d said. He didn’t like any of it.
“Are you angry?”
“No!” He squeezed her hand, let it go. “Of course not.”
“You sure?”
He nodded, surprised to find that he didn’t feel a bit annoyed, even though he’d just been rejected—for the second time in his life.
“Hurt?” she pressed, when he really wished she’d just say a quiet goodbye.
Not that he couldn’t just turn his back and leave. But something held him there, as if he owed her this.
“I’m…” He didn’t know what. “Confused…” he finally said. “Sad, I think.”
She nodded, smiling in a sorrowful kind of way. “And if you were in love with me, you’d be hurt.”
He stared at her, and even as he held her gaze he felt himself softening. She was right. Absolutely, completely right. Damn it.
“YOU SURE you don’t want to consider a marriage that would be pretty much guaranteed to be peaceful, amiable and interesting?” Mark turned at Susan’s door, not completely ready to walk out of her life.
She held on to the door, revealing both strength and vulnerability as she leaned there in her navy suit, every strand of her short hair in place. “I’ve spent the past five years half-alive, Mark,” she said softly. “Being with you brought me back, and now that I’m here I want it all.”
A Child's Wish Page 13