It never is.
•••
It’s chilly outside, so I make sure to grab my jacket and turn on the heater in the car while Virginia gets in the backseat.
“Damn, it’s freezing,” she hisses through her chattering teeth.
“That’s what winter does.”
She rolls her eyes and settles in the car as we wait for Brian. He's been Virginia's boyfriend since high school and is the band’s piano player. Virginia, Brian, Phoenix, and I were high school friends. Music brought us together, and it’s what made us stick together.
“That’s one fucking blizzard,” Brian says, rubbing his hands together once he’s in the car.
“You said it,” I utter between my chattering teeth.
“Where’s Tinker?” Virginia asks. Tinker is Brian’s baby goat. Each time he visits his uncle’s farm, he steals an animal and keeps it as a pet. When he finally gets bored with the animal, he gifts it to someone—responsibly, of course. If Phoenix would have met Tinker, I can’t help but think that she’d have adored him.
“He was asleep, so I left him home.”
I start the engine and drive us to Club 99, one of the few clubs where we don’t have people breathing down our necks. It’s not that we don’t like our fans, but there are times we need to be alone. Times where we’re allowed to act like normal people and do shit without having someone filming it.
As soon as we’re inside, the blasting music awakes my senses. “I love this place,” Brian shouts over the music, and we nod our agreement.
We order our drinks and get a VIP room because we’re here to talk. My brother, Greg, our band leader, is already in the room when we arrive. “Man, you killed it on Friday.” Greg slaps my back and does the same to everyone.
“So, first things first. How’s our girl?” Greg asks. Even though Greg had met Phoenix only a few times before the accident, he always makes sure to let me know that he cares about her.
“I don’t know,” I reply sincerely.
“What’d the doctors say?” Virginia asks. Even though she goes to meet Phoenix every month, she always asks about her every week.
“The same old thing.”
“Any progress? Anything?”
I shake my head at Greg. “So far, nothing, and if there were something, her parents would’ve told me.”
“She’s going to be all right, Kai,” Virginia says, rubbing her hands on my shoulders.
“I hope so.”
Hope—it’s a strange, invisible thing, but people hold on to it tight because it’s what we need to keep breathing. And it’s what has kept me breathing for these past two years.
“We hope so too,” Greg says. I murmur my thanks.
“Yeah, God knows we miss her so much, but I’m sure she’ll wake up, Kai.” Virginia places her hand on mine with a soft smile on her lips. “She’ll fight.”
“I agree with Virginia. She’ll fight for you, man.” Brian slaps me on the back, and I smile again. This time it’s a genuine smile.
The band always brings my spirit back.
CHAPTER 4
KAI
Another Saturday strolls in, and here I am, at the hospital, next to Phoenix, waiting for Madison to show up. My eyes trace the scars on Phoenix’s face, her cheekbones, her pale, dry lips, and her hollow, closed eyes.
When Phoenix’s car crashed, the windshield shattered, piercing her right side. She has an angry red scar that starts from the side of her right breast and ends just below her ribs. Her little car was smashed by a truck, and she was in that damn car for five hours and fourteen minutes before they got her out. She’s undergone eight surgeries for all her injuries, and the doctors say that if—when—she wakes up, she’ll probably need a wheelchair.
I lay a soft kiss on her forehead. “I just want you to wake up, babe. I need you creating chaos in my life again. Please wake up.” Curling my arms around her waist, my fingers inch her robe open, and without disturbing the tube coming from her stomach, I softly graze my finger on her scar. “I hope this doesn’t hurt now,” I whisper.
The door opens, and Madison appears. Today, Madison’s hair is cut short at the back and on the sides, and it’s colored black, but the top is colored auburn and swept to the side of her face giving her a well-behaved pixie look. From her colorful pixie hair to her bold lip color, Madison is a sight to behold—bold and cute at one glance. Phoenix and Madison have been each other’s anchor, but with Phoenix in the coma, Madison’s drifting, and we don’t know how long she’ll be able to stay afloat before drowning. I have a feeling Phoenix isn’t going to recognize her when she wakes up.
“God, she’s freaking Sleeping Beauty right now, Kai. At least for the time being, stop trying to get into her pants,” Madison jokes. I chuckle and sit up to greet her. Madison hugs me and drops a kiss on her sister’s forehead.
“Hey, asshole, I can see you’re still sleeping.” Madison’s words sound very light, but the tears welling up in her eyes tell another story. She always cries when she comes to visit Phoenix. We all do.
“How are you?” she asks me.
I shrug. “As good as I can be, I guess.”
Madison nods and looks at Phoenix. “She has no idea that we come to see her, does she?” Madison knows the answer to her question, but it’s still difficult to accept.
“She doesn’t, Madison.”
Madison’s shoulders slump, and she looks at me. “So,” she says, dragging a chair near the bed. “What’s today’s story?”
MEETING WITH DICK AND THE VIRGIN
PHOENIX, 17 years old
05 September 2013
Kai … God, this guy had me so flustered. All the words were jumbling in my head. Yesterday I re-lived the kiss in the library, and then again while I sang that one line he completed for me. I don’t think I’ll forget the taste of his kiss anytime soon.
I’m music.
I’m the music.
I’m a song.
You’re my music.
Well, maybe not!
Then who are you? An idiot maybe!
You’re my lyrics.
They weren't the greatest words ever written, and they probably wouldn’t be remembered in a song, but they completed my inspiration. They completed my half and made it whole.
The bell rang, shattering my daydream, and I collected my things. Bag on shoulders, I got out of the class and guess who was leaning on the wall—Kai. I took in his messy hair that hung in his gray eyes. This guy was the definition of handsome, and I had no idea how he was interested in me.
“Hi,” he croaked, and my goose bumps reacted to the timbre of his voice. He unstuck himself from the wall and walked toward me. “Want to grab lunch?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged, pretending that standing so close didn’t make my heart beat louder, but the heat rushing to my ears indicated the truth.
We walked to the cafeteria with our shoulders touching, neither of us saying a word. There were so many things that I needed to ask him. Like how did he know which class I was in, and why didn’t he call when I left my number? But all these questions died as we neared a table with two seats already filled.
Kai took one seat and motioned for me to take the one next to him. I sat down and pasted on a smile for the faces looking back at me.
“Everyone, this is Phoenix. Phoenix, this is Dick,” Kai said, pointing at the guy he was sitting next to. “Actually, the full name is Dickinson,” Kai informed me. “As in Dick-in-son …” He enunciated the words slowly for me to get the point. I really hoped he was kidding.
Dick, on the other hand, looked at me with bored eyes as he introduced himself. “Full name is Brian Dickinson. Please, call me Brian.”
Kai pointed to the girl sitting next to Dick. “And this is his girlfriend, Virgin-ia.” He pressed his lips together before saying, “It’s on her passport, I checked.”
So, Virginia was Dick’s girlfriend. Could fate play such a joke? “Hi,” I whispered.
“Hi. My full na
me is more interesting than just Virginia.” She raised a naughty brow.
“What’s your full name?”
“Virginia Licker.”
Blink. Blink. “Your name is Virginia Licker, and your boyfriend’s name is Brian Dickinson? How’d you two find each other?”
Virginia waved the question away. “We need less audience to tell you that, but I promise that it’ll be the best story you’ve ever heard.”
No doubt there.
“I’m Phoenix Banks. Sorry, my name isn’t that interesting.”
“Yes, it definitely doesn’t hold to our standard, but you’ll do just fine,” Virginia said.
I turned toward Kai again and gave him a smile, thanking him for these friends. For two months I’d been an alien here. I had no friends because I wasn’t good at starting a conversation with people, and no one had bothered to start one with me, which, in turn, left me lonely. But today was the first time I’d felt like I was having a proper conversation with friends—if I could call them that yet.
Kai ran his hand through his hair, and the action showed the muscles hiding behind his sleeves. “She’s the one I was talking about. She writes songs.”
“That’s you?” Dick—oops, Brian asked.
I shrugged in response. “I try to write when things come to mind. They’re not that amazing.” I wasn’t trying to be modest. There were times when lyrics would tumble in my thoughts, and I’d write them down because they spoke to me, but there were other times when I’d look at what I wrote and feel like it was the worst song ever written.
“They can’t all be good.” Virginia shrugged. Kai and Brian nodded.
“Yeah, but sometimes I write some pretty bad ones,” I argued.
Virginia turned toward me. “We all have those, honey.”
After lunch, Kai and I found a secluded place in the school compound and sat under the tree. “I finally have you for myself,” he said as we sat down.
“You didn’t call me,” I reprimanded. I’d left my number and a note for him in the library, but he hadn't called me. “I thought maybe you weren’t interested.”
He stared at me, making my insides tickle. “I’ve been interested in you since the day I saw you fighting with yourself in the park.”
His answer made my lips curve. “But you didn’t call,” I reiterated.
A smile tugged at his lips. “Were you waiting for me to call?”
Asshole is goading me. I shrugged.
He chuckled. “I know you were waiting for me to call.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I asked.
His expression became serious, and his voice turned raspy. “I wanted to know if you were interested too, and that you hadn’t just given me your number because we made a sort of deal.”
My cheeks caught fire remembering the kiss at the library—that was the best kiss ever. “I didn’t give you my number just because of that kiss,” I confessed.
“Then?”
“Maybe I want some more kisses,” I said with a smile.
KAI
Present
We’re quiet after I finish reading. Re-living Phoenix's words isn’t always easy.
“That was amazing,” Madison eventually says through her tears.
“The story was funny. You’re supposed to be smiling, Madison,” I joke.
She lands her teary gaze on me. “Then why are your eyes welled up too?”
Her question squeezes my heart. “I just want her to wake up. Is that too much to ask?”
Madison wipes her tears as she looks at her sister. “It’s not too much. I hope she wakes up too, Kai. I want my sister back. Our family isn’t the same.”
No one has been the same, but I’m the only one who should feel guilty. Phoenix got distracted by a text that I sent her. It was because of me that she got hurt. This fact gnaws my soul little by little every night, leaving me sleepless.
“I know, Madison, but she’ll be back. I promise.”
Madison dabs the corners of her eyes, and she smiles through her tears. “I believe you, Kai. I do.”
CHAPTER 5
KAI
Eric: Will you be coming for dinner tonight?
I reply a quick yes and get into the car. Eric is Phoenix’s father, and he occasionally invites me to dinner.
Dinner with the Banks family isn’t always easy. Sometimes we talk about the old days, but sometimes we fight, mostly when Adam tries to make everyone understand that there’s a possibility Phoenix isn’t going to wake up—everyone prefers living in the bubble where she wakes up and everything’s fine again. And sometimes we cry. We cry about the past, about the shattered dreams, about the pain of seeing Phoenix on that hospital bed, and about what we can lose—what we have lost.
At eight o’clock, I stand outside their house, ringing the doorbell. Ironic how I used to climb the tree at Phoenix’s window to meet her at night. Even though everyone knew that Phoenix and I were dating, I was never invited here—especially after her dads caught us in her room one night.
Phoenix has two fathers, and while Eric is more dramatic, Adam is calmer. Phoenix and Madison call Eric daddy and Adam dad to distinguish between the two. This is something they started when they were first adopted at the age of fourteen, and it had stayed that way years later.
Adam opens the door, and the aroma of steak greets me. “Kai. It’s good to see you. Please come in.”
“Thanks, Adam. It’s good to see you too.” I move inside, and Adam closes the door behind me.
“Hi … you always look good,” Madison greets me.
After placing the wine I brought in her hand, I kiss her on the cheek. “Thanks, Madison.”
Eric comes out of the kitchen and slaps my back. “Glad you came.”
“Same.”
Madison places the wine on the table, and I take my usual seat while Eric and Adam retire to the kitchen. “So how’s college?” I ask.
Madison rolls her eyes. “Please, ask something else.”
I chuckle, knowing that I used to have the same reaction when someone would ask me about college. “Sorry, let me ask another one then. How’s Emmanuel?” Emmanuel is Madison’s boyfriend. I’ve met him a few times, and he’s a pretty cool guy, but, most importantly, he keeps Madison out of trouble—as much as he can anyway.
Madison’s jaw ticks. “He’s being an asshole,” she complains.
“About what?”
“He thinks I broke his laptop. And he called me a liar.”
Madison is careless, frisky, and the look on her face right now reminds me of the time she came to a rehearsal with Phoenix, and in an attempt to take a selfie, she broke Greg’s electric guitar. Greg was ready to commit murder, and Madison’s only defense was “Oops.” Needless to say, she wasn’t welcome after that.
“Did you break the guy’s laptop?”
“Yeah.”
“Then he’s telling the truth.”
She huffs, dramatically, crossing her arms over her chest. “I know, but it’s annoying that he reads me so well. I always thought I was an excellent liar.” She stops talking when Adam walks into the room with the food.
This girl is a ball of mess.
After the food is served, we all begin to talk about our lives, carefully avoiding any discussion of Phoenix. And as soon as dinner is over, we all gather near the fire with our wine. “This is good,” Adam compliments after taking a sip of the wine. I raise my glass to that.
Eric lowers his glass and says, “Dr. Cooper called. He said that there was a situation with Phoenix … she’s had a seizure.”
My heart starts hammering in my chest at this piece of information. “What? Please tell me it wasn’t that bad.”
Madison takes my hand in her. “It’s a seizure, Kai. We’re lucky that it didn’t cause any damage, but it’s still a freaking seizure.”
I understand what Madison’s saying. It’s the third time Phoenix’s had a seizure, and so far none of them were harmful, but we have no idea what may happen n
ext time.
“Damn, I want her to wake up,” I say preventing my voice from shaking.
Eric wraps his hand around Adam’s waist. “We want that too, Kai. We want that too.”
After a second of silence, Madison speaks softly, “I still remember the first day we met at Edward’s place.” She sniffs. “Her room was a terrible mess, but she told me that we could share the room anyway, and from that night she slept next to me, waking and calming me down after each nightmare.
“She told me she’d look out for me, and that’s what she did from that day on. She was always there for me. Phoenix would read me a story or sing me a song every night, even though sometimes the songs didn’t make sense or she’d use inappropriate words just to make it rhyme.” She snorts with laughter. “All to help me sleep. And today it feels like she’s trying to catch on the sleep she lost because of me.” Madison starts sobbing loudly.
I use my sleeves to wipe away my own tears as Adam and Eric gather Madison in their arms, whispering calm words to her. Damn. Wake up, Phoenix!
“I remember the first time we saw her too, sweetie,” Eric recounts. “God, both you and your sister stole our hearts that day. We wanted to take you home right then and there and give you both the world. Your sister will come back home. I promise you, she will.”
“For me, the best moment was when you two learned that you were getting gay fathers.” Adam snorts. “Eric and I fight people’s scorn every day. Sometimes we just pretend it doesn’t matter, biting our tongues and silently supporting each other, but it always hurt. The looks on your faces when you learned that we were gays was precious. You were looking at us like we were Godsent, and the trust on your faces was priceless. If I could, I’d have captured that look forever.” He wipes his tears. “We love you both so much. So much.”
Madison hugs both Adam and Eric. “We love you too,” she whispers.
And that is it—today we cry.
CHAPTER 6
KAI
Greg stopped living with Mom and Dad two years ago, as soon as the band started performing, and I got myself a place last year. No matter how often Mom and Dad remind Greg that he’s a son to them, Greg has always maintained his distance from home. He leads a private life which saddens Mom more than anyone.
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