“Take off your bra,” he breathed. His eyes roamed shamelessly over my exposed skin.
I shook my head and rasped, “No, your turn now.”
He got rid of his T-shirt in one swift move. “Now, for God’s sake, remove that bra,” he croaked.
I brought my hands to the back and unhooked the bra but left it in place. His gaze traveled from the strap to my face. “You take it off me,” I whispered.
Kai didn’t miss a beat. He advanced on me before I had the time to blink, stopping only once our bodies were touching. His fingers trailed from my wrists to my arms then my shoulders, raising goose bumps. I felt his hot breath on my body as he lowered the strap, letting it fall before doing the same with the other until the cups fell away. My chest heaved, not from the chill but because of the way he was looking at me.
Kai bit his lower lip. “Baby, you’re gorgeous.” He brought his index finger to my lips, and I opened them in invitation. “I love your lips,” he whispered, lowering his head. “Especially when they wait for me to kiss them.” His lips lightly touched mine. He slowly tasted me, then he teased me, then he deepened the kiss, making me feel loved.
He moved his head to my neck and gave it a bite while his hand gently caressed my neck and moved lower to my breasts. Kai circled my nipple, and I sucked my breath. My fingers threaded through his hair as he continued to suck and bite the soft flesh there. I pressed my lips together to stifle a moan. And just when I thought I couldn’t bear his sweet torture any longer, Kai switched to my other breast and—dear God—it was divine.
He lowered us down, propping himself above me. “You’re so beautiful. I may keep you only to myself and never let you go back.”
I moved my hands to his cheeks and whispered, “I’ll not complain.”
His grin lit up the tent, and he met my mouth in a hot kiss. My hands caressed his body, and his hands ignited a fire on my skin. We pulled at each other even though we were so close.
Kai removed my pants while he trailed kisses from my neck to my stomach. Each kiss awakened me. When he got his pants off, I tried not to look at his length, but I couldn't help it—it was so hard and stood rigidly at attention.
“Like what you see?” I didn’t realize I was staring until he uttered those words. My eyes met his, and I laughed. “No matter where I look, it’s there within my periphery and I can’t help but stare at it.”
He threw his head back, roaring in laughter. “Oh, Phoenix, what am I going to do with you?”
“Show me you love me. Make me feel it,” I whispered, pulling him back to me.
He met my lips as he nudged my legs, positioning himself between them. A moan erupted from me as he pressed himself against me, swirling his tongue against mine. Kai broke the kiss and located the condom behind him. As he rolled on the condom, I tried to catch my breath.
“Ready?” he asked.
I shook my head. “But I want this,” I said, smiling through my nervousness.
Eyes on me, he wrapped my legs around his waist. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he whispered, “I love you.” With that, he moved forward, uniting our bodies and making us one.
My teeth sank into my lower lip as pain filled me. A sharpness traveled my body and hit me in the skull, and I groaned. “Fuck..”
His eyes searched my face with worry. “Look at me,” Kai said, touching his forehead to mine. “I’d take the pain away if I could but I can’t. I’m so sorry.” The desperation in his voice snapped my eyes shut.
“Please, make it quick so that I don’t feel the pain,” I whispered through my breaths.
Kai knocked his lips to mine, taking the agony and replacing it with pleasure. He started moving inside me, building an inferno so intense my body rose to meet his. I writhed against him and begged him to stop, or maybe to go on and never stop as he moved deeper, deeper and we moved higher, higher.
“Phoenix …” Kai’s lips touch my cheek, kissing away the tears. This simple gesture caressed my heart and made me feel so precious.
Kai rolled his hips driving both of us crazy. “God, Kai …” I moaned, trying to understand where my body began and where his ended. His eyes connected with mine, not breaking the rhythm he set. The intensity I saw there made me tremble, and I absorbed all that he was letting me have.
“Let go …” he whispered, and my nails marked his back. I shook my head. “I can’t …” I whispered through my whimpers of pain and pleasure.
His face transformed into a soft smile radiating love. “I’ll catch you, just let me …”
I let go.
My body curved and fought against the pain and pleasure. The moan and whimpers joined each other while I tried to catch the bliss, tried to grip the waves, but they seemed to be slipping past. My whimpers made Kai’s body tighten above me, and the waves faded and faded and faded.
He dropped his weight on me, and his body relaxed. His hot breath hit my neck, and I caressed his back, turning my head to drop a kiss on the side of his head. After a few quick breathes, he got on his elbows with his brows furrowed. “You didn’t come, did you?”
I shook my head.
“Shit, you should have,” he gritted. “I’m so sorry. I think I did something wrong. Damn.”
The ache in his voice made me feel bad. With a finger on his lips, I whispered, “It’s my first time. You’re going to have many occasions to make me come.” I leaned forward and kissed his lips. “But I loved the whole thing. I felt something really deep, did you?”
He gulped and nodded like words were not enough to describe what we made happen.
KAI
Present
A low laugh rumbles out of my chest as I close the diary.
“The day we decided to take that step, I stopped watching porn for pleasure and started watching it for research. For two months, I watched the best clips that I could find, and I even made Greg sit down and give me it all in theory. We watched porn together, and he explained what the guy did to make the woman feel good. It took him three days to answer all my questions, but I forgot it all the moment you took your clothes off.” I chuckle remembering those days.
I run my thumb over the diary’s cover before placing it on the table. Sliding my body onto the bed, I wrap my arms around her. “Love you, babes.” I bring my lips to the crux of her neck and drop and kiss there. My arms curled around her, my fingers inching under her robe to caress her scar. “Just breathe, my love. Right now, just breathe for me.”
My body jolts as I hear a sound. Heat crawls up my neck. Did that come from …? No, it can’t be Phoenix. I look at her face closely but don’t see any sign that she made that sound. But even if she did, it’s probably what the doctors would call a reflex.
Phoenix was four months into the coma and one day just after I finished singing her one of my new songs, she snorted. It was one of the best moments of my life. I rushed out and grabbed the first doctor by the elbow and dragged him to the room to say that Phoenix made a sound and he needed to check whether she was waking up. It broke my heart when he explained that it’s a common thing for patients like Phoenix to make sounds like these—it was only as a reflex. But each time she made any kind of sound when I’m around, I console myself pretending that she’s talking back to me.
I breathe out and place my head back on the pillow. It has been two years, but her lack of response still pulls a delicate string of my heart. Eyes closed, the darkness takes over as I drift asleep.
•••
Minutes or hours later, I’m woken up by someone shaking me. “Kai, wake up,” Kelly says urgently, and I sit up.
Doctors rush in as Kelly drags me from the room. “What’s happening?” I ask as panic invades my body. My gaze moves to Phoenix but I can’t see anything beyond the crew of doctors. “What’s happening?” I ask again. The look in Kelly’s eyes is one I hate seeing. Pity. Without answering, she closes the door, but not before I catch Phoenix’s hands flailing.
And with that, I’m left to wait outside.
<
br /> “Damn!” I slam my hand on the wall next to me and try to control my breathing. Eric. I must call Eric. Taking the phone out of my pocket, I scroll through my contacts.
Thankfully he picks up on the third ring. “Kai,” he greets.
“Eric, I’m here at the hospital. Some doctors rushed into the room and threw me out. Please call them and let me know what’s happening,” I plead, knowing that if I ask they won’t tell me anything because I’m not related to Phoenix.
“Was she … was she breathing when you left her?”
His question gives a violent shake to my heart. “I have no idea, but she was moving—I think. God, please. Eric, please call them. Please,” I beg.
I hear his sharp inhale. “Of course, I’m calling them.” And with that, he disconnects the call.
Barefoot, I walk to the nearby bench and sit down. “God, please. I hope it wasn’t me. I hope I didn’t unsettle any tubes or machine in my sleep. Please,” I whisper, throwing my face in my hands.
A few minutes later, the doctors come out, but they refuse to tell me anything, so I continue to wait for Eric to call me. My phone rings and I pick it up. “Yes.”
“It’s her heart. It was beating faster than usual, but they stabilized it.”
“Is that a good sign?”
“Kai, look—”
“No, please, Eric. Is it a good sign or not?” I silently plead that it’s a good one.
I hear him exhale. “It can be good or bad.”
It’s the same freaking answer every time. I’m starting to wonder if the doctors actually know anything. The back of my head meets the wall as I thank him and disconnect the call.
Kelly comes out with my shoes, the guitar, and the diary, and I go home without kissing Phoenix goodbye.
Alone in the car, I know that I can’t go to my silent house, so I drive to my parents’ place instead. Once there, I head into my room, placing the guitar next to my bed and throwing the phone on the table. I let myself fall onto the bed, and I stay like this, staring at my ceiling and thinking about everything and nothing.
The door opens, and someone comes in. I don’t bother lifting my head because my body doesn’t have enough energy left. “Kai …” Mom sits on the edge and touches my hand. “What’s the matter?”
My throat works to get a response out, but the words refuse to come. I clear my throat and look at Mom. “There’s something wrong with the way her heart is beating,” I say, nearly not recognizing my voice. Mom’s image blurs in front of me, and I move my gaze to the ceiling again. “I can’t lose her, Mom. I don’t want to lose her.”
“Kai …” Mom brushes my hair from my forehead. “We don’t have control over these things.”
I shake my head. “I fought too hard for this, Mom, and I know she’s fighting too—she must be. She won’t give up without a fight.”
“Kai, she’s unaware of her actions. She doesn’t know what’s happening to her, sweetheart.” Mom leans forward and kisses my forehead.
“But she does. I know her, Mom. Phoenix may not be aware of what’s happening around her, but deep down, I know she won’t let go without a fight. God, I feel so helpless,” I say, moving to a seated position. “It’s damn frustrating. I want to help her, but I can’t do anything.”
Mom pulls me into her arms, and my body allows itself to be weak for a moment, letting my mom soothe the pain. It’s becoming too much for me to bear alone.
CHAPTER 15
KAI
Throwing the covers back, my feet touch the ground, and I walk to the toilet. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, not that I tried to. I’ve been at my parents’ house for the past three days, and each message from Madison, Eric, or Adam indicates the same thing—Phoenix is getting worse. And each of those messages shredded my hopes.
After I freshen up, I move downstairs for breakfast and switch on my phone.
“Good morning, honey,” Mom greets.
“Good morning. Where’s Dad?” I ask, hugging her from behind.
“He went to fetch the paper. He’ll be back in a few,” she answers as I take my place at the table.
Mom places an omelet on my plate while I look at my phone. Six messages and eleven missed calls—this is nothing new. Four of them are from Greg, sending me some lyrics that he wrote, one from some stupid promo shit, and the other one from Madison.
Madison: KAI, SHE WOKE UP! PHOENIX WOKE UP!!!
Something hard hits me in the heart, and a warm light evades my body. These three words—
She.
Woke.
Up.
My chest opens, and I sob. I finally feel like I can breathe again.
“Honey, what’s the matter?” Mom asks anxiously.
A smile breaks through my tears. “She woke up, Mom. She woke up.”
Mom gasps. She takes a staggering step back before rushing and pulling me into her arms.
Two years of waiting, of longing, of praying and lamenting—she’s finally mine again.
PART II
CHAPTER 16
MY STRANGE LIFE
PHOENIX, 23 years old
05 May 2019
Life has amazing ways of surprising you. And sometimes, you don’t like those surprises. I had been sleeping for two years—633 days to be precise.
Strange. Everything seems strange. The last time I closed my eyes, my parents had fewer wrinkles, Madison had plain auburn hair, my feet worked, and I was fat. Then I opened my eyes, and the world changed. My parents are older, Madison grew up and has a head full of colors, and I’m in a wheelchair with half of my body size.
A month has passed since I woke up and I’m still not used to everything that’s changed, including me. I don’t recognize my body anymore. I feel like I’ve usurped someone else’s body. No fat in my arms, no weight in my belly. My cheekbones sit high, my hair touches my butt, my body is slender, and my boobs sag. Strange.
The world around me lived and breathed, but I was sleeping because my brain was too lazy to wake up.
How am I supposed to feel?
PHOENIX
Present
“Phoenix?”
I remove my gaze from the box of tissues on Sanaa’s table and focus back on her. “Huh?”
“Since we talked about the night of the accident last week, maybe you’d like to talk about what you remember from your time in the coma,” she asks slowly so that I grasp her long sentence.
I nod and look back at the contents on her table. I’ve been coming here for the past three weeks, and she always has the same things on her table. Her notepad, a box of tissues, a candle, her coffee, and a photo frame with her and a younger girl.
“Tell me, is there something, a sound, a person, anything that you remember?”
I don’t remember much from my time in the coma. But maybe there was a sound. “I’m not s-sure, but maybe there was … music,” I admit. Guitar, I think.
“What kind of music?”
“I d-don’t know.” I shrug. I’m not sure if I heard it or I imagined it. What I know is that they were far, really far, and I felt it rather than heard it—that’s how far it was.
“And what else do you remember. Was there a person?”
Yes. Two. “I remember Dad, Adam,” I add.
“And what is it that you remember about your dad? Anything specific?” she prompts.
“He was g-giving me a dream. And he said something like … today d-dream of the owl, loving the moon each night … knowing that he isn’t loved back.”
“And did you dream about them?”
I shake my head. I think I was sad after I heard it, but I didn’t dream of the owl and the moon or, if I did, then I don’t remember it.
“Anything else you remember?”
I nod. “There was someone else. H-he said, just breathe …”
•••
Did you know that tattoos shrink along with your body if you lose weight? The quote that I have on my wrist looks smaller than it used to. I’m a son
g. You’re my lyrics. Strange. My thumb rubs back and forth on my wrist, trying to feel the adoration of the memory attached to it, but nothing.
“Food’s ready.”
Dad enters the dining room with Daddy behind, and Madison licks her lips as they put the plates on the table. I’m still trying to wrap my head around Madison’s pixie hairstyle. It reminds me of the Madison I met at Edward’s—the one who had short hair so it couldn’t be used as a weapon against her.
When we came to live here, that fear went away, and she grew her hair to her shoulders. But now the pixie look is back. Not that it looks bad on her. Today she tied the top of her hair in a pigtail. Cute but funny.
“Pizza, your favorite,” Daddy announces, and I give him my smile as thanks.
The accident caused an injury in my brain, and I now have difficulty speaking, which I’m told is temporary. I can understand, but there are times when I can’t find the proper words to express myself. So to avoid speaking, I smile.
Some people are like infants when they’re out of a coma, but apparently, I’m lucky because when I was just out of the coma, all I could eat was soup or puréed food—which sucked. And now I’m allowed to eat pizza, so I should be happy. “This looks good,” Madison praises as she places her hand on mine giving it a squeeze. The physical contact makes me flinch, but she doesn’t notice my reaction.
I nod and slowly extricate my hand from her grip, concentrating on the food. Dinner is loud, as usual, with Daddy, Dad, and Madison speaking exuberantly. Their incessant conversation annoys me because the fact that I can’t—don’t participate in their conversation makes my two-year lapse more real.
After dinner, I ask Dad to carry me to my room. He places me on the bed in a seated position, and I adjust my back until I’m comfortable. During the accident, the one side of my spinal cord got damaged which, in turn, made me paralyzed from the waist down—but not completely. Since I’m wearing a back brace, it’s easier for me to sit, but having this thing sticking to my body takes a little getting used to.
Silent Music Page 9