His breaths hit my hot cheek. He presses his forehead to the side of my head and whispers, “I so want to kiss you, Phoenix, but I won’t. I won’t kiss you until you want me to and not one second before that.”
I let out a whimper as disappointment washes through me. Water gathers behind my eyelids, and I curl my hands around my arms. Feeling the space in front of me vacant, I open my eyes, and my gaze follows Kai to the door, hoping he’ll give me another look, but he leaves the room without a backward glance.
CHAPTER 29
PHOENIX
“Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam blares from the car’s speakers, and I close my eyes in concentration. I need to remember something. The sound of raindrops hitting the windows reaches me, and it’s breaking my concentration, but then someone familiar speaks to me—do you remember this road?
I open my eyes and see nothing but darkness. I look closer, but the only thing visible is the white line on the road. It’s too dark. The car speeds up along with my heartbeat, and I try to lean forward to know where we are, but I can’t move.
I deserve better … that voice shouts, making me jolt. His voice is too loud. The song is too loud. The rain is too loud.
Stop it, I try to scream, but nothing comes out of my throat. I try again. My lips move, but no voice comes out. I need to remember something—about this road. But what?
You know I deserve better, Phoenix—that voice whispers near my ears. Please—he whispers again, this time his voice weak.
I can’t, I try to say, but no sound comes out. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to give him what he wants. I need to remember something. I need to remember it now.
The music grows louder. Rainwater pummels the roof. And the car tires screech. The car is moving too fast. It needs to slow down.
I need to go—he starts whispering, the sound drifting. I need to go. I need to go … Sobs break from my chest. I want to shake my head but I can’t. This road. My accident.
No!
Bye—Kai says, standing in the middle of the road, wearing that old T-shirt. His eyes stare deep into mine. I scream for him to move, but nothing comes out of my throat. I try to move my hands to signal him to move, but I can’t. I use all the force I have to thrash but …
BOOM!
My eyes snap open, and a moan shoots out of my throat. I puff out short breaths as tears leak from the corners of my eyes.
My room. I’m in my room. My hand slaps over my mouth, stifling my sobs. I squeeze my eyes shut, getting rid of the images of that nightmare.
Kai …
I need to find it.
With jerky movements, I switch on the night lamp. My hands press on the bed as I shift into a seated position. Bent forward, I grab my wheelchair and position it near the bed. I need to find it. Dragging my body down, I slip onto the wheelchair.
My hands push on the wheels until I reach the cupboard and shove it open. I rummage through until my fingers touch the soft cotton fabric.
My breathing stalls.
With shaky hands, I pull the crumpled T-shirt out and bring it to my chest. I’m not perfect, so sometimes I’m an ass. Kai’s old T-shirt that he’d wear when we were fighting. Old, faded memories hit my chest hard. I read this line repeatedly, remembering how I used to find it cute. I rub the fabric between my fingers, recalling how I stole this T-shirt from Kai back in the day. I used to find comfort in this T-shirt—to find Kai in this T-shirt. My lungs release a long breath. I bring the T-shirt up to my nose, close my eyes, and breathe, looking for Kai.
My eyes open.
He’s gone.
A heavy weight settles on my chest. I rub my nose on the fabric and whiff the T-shirt again, desperately trying to find Kai between the musty and damp wood smell.
Nothing.
I’ve lost him.
I drop my face in the T-shirt and shake my head. “I need to let you go, don’t I?” I sob. “You deserve someone better.”
Someone who’s going to walk alongside you.
Someone who’s not ashamed of herself.
Someone who’s not going to need therapy her whole life.
Someone who’s not as messed up as I am.
When I look up, my gaze falls on my diary on the table. I slip the T-shirt on and wheel myself to the table. Opening the diary, I pick up the pen and write,
I sat there
Avoiding your eyes
I sat there
Rejecting your kisses
I sat there
Listening to your cries
That day … you sat there with your lonely tears,
Filling balloons with old souvenirs,
Tied them with a thread of sorry
But you held on tight saying
All will be fine with our incomplete story
I didn’t care
About your smiles for me
I didn’t care
About your fight for me
I didn’t care
About your love for me
Then again … you sat there with your lonely tears,
Filling balloons with old souvenirs,
Tied them with a thread of sorry
But you held on tight saying
All will be fine with our incomplete story
But I didn’t weep
When you didn’t kiss
I didn’t break
When you walked away
I didn’t ask
For you to stay
I pushed the words
I pushed them back ...
And today … I scream here with my lonely tears,
Filling balloons with old souvenirs,
Tie them with a thread of sorry
I open my palm and let go
Saying goodbye to our incomplete story
Do forgive me,
As I let go
Do forgive me,
As I let go of you …
Today, I sit here with my lonely tears,
I open my palm and …
I let go of you
Saying goodbye to our incomplete story.
CHAPTER 30
PHOENIX
I take a last look at myself in the mirror as I hear Kai’s car outside. The girl in the mirror’s eyes lighten, and her lips spread in a smile.
“Phoenix, come.” Madison meets my eyes in the mirror. “You look ravishing,” she praises, taking the handle of my wheelchair.
“Thanks, I love your dress too and your hair,” I say, admiring her hair. Madison changed her hair color again. The sides of her head are black, and so is the top of her hair but the tips are like a canvas with a mix of white, cobalt blue, a little purple, and a tint of ultramarine blue. Emmanuel’s mother outdid herself with this hair coloring.
Madison smiles and then wheels me to the living room. My eyes hit Kai who’s being greeted by our dads. He’s dressed in formal dark gray pants and a violet shirt with a waistcoat on top, and his hair is gelled to the side making the hair at the root look darker than that on the top. He looks drop-dead gorgeous.
Everyone fades into the background as he walks toward me and crouches down. “Happy birthday, my love,” his voice is low as he drops a small box on my lap—and my stupid heart does a little dance. Leaning forward, he grazes his lips on my cheek. My eyes close, absorbing the fluttering in my belly.
“Thanks,” I say and bite my lip.
“You look beautiful,” he praises tugging on his earlobe. Kai tugs on his earlobe when he’s reluctant to do something which makes me wonder if he wants to kiss me. What am I thinking about? I need to stop because I’m standing firm on my decision. I need to let Kai go and I will. Tonight is the last night we’ll see each other. I’ll tell him to stop coming. Even the thought of it is twisting my heart, but I’ll tell him it’s over. It needs to be over.
“Shall we?” Dad's voice takes me away from my thoughts as he motions to the dining table, and we all take our seats. Since it’s my birthday, I wanted to have a family dinner, but I’m still not ready to go out after my last
burn in the restaurant, so here we are. My dads made sure to cook my favorite—pizza.
We sit together like one happy family and eat the hell out of the pizzas. My dads made four large ones, and by the time that we’re done, only a few slices are left.
After dinner, we move to the living room, and Madison takes out my guitar, while Kai places a chair a distance from us. Done with the setup, Madison approaches Kai and gives him the guitar.
“You’re performing?” I ask Madison in disbelief.
She widens her lips, revealing her two-thousand-watt smile, and stands in the middle while our dads stand on her sides and Kai sits on the chair after Daddy.
“Wish us luck.”
I open my mouth to do just that, but nothing comes out. Dear Lord …
Madison takes an invisible mic in her hand and clears her throat. “Good evening, everyone. My name is Madison, this is Daddy, this is Dad, and this is our very own Kai, who’ll be accompanying us with the music.” Kai strums the strings three times rapidly, and Madison continues. “We’re here today to present our dearest Phoenix with her birthday song. Phoenix writes songs, and so we tried to write something original, but it didn’t turn out great, so we’ll be singing and dancing to ‘Count on me’ by Bruno Mars.”
“I’m sure no one will mind from the audience,” Daddy chimes making us chuckle.
“Thank you … thank you so much. We need her to know that it’s okay not to be like the others because the people who love her will always love her no matter what.” Madison smiles.
They all look at me and say, “We love you,” in unison.
Kai strums, and they start. The song, the lyrics, tell me everything that I already know but I get why they needed to sing this song. I’ve been pretty insecure after the accident, and somehow I’ve managed to show that to my family. This song is telling me that I can count on them for everything and they can do the same because this is what families do. We stand for each other. We are there for each other—forever. How did I end up with a family like this? We’re amazing.
By the time they finish, tears have filled my eyes, and I whisper, “I love you so much.”
Madison runs to me and gives me a fierce hug. “You heard us?” she asks.
I nod. “I can count on you.” She kisses my forehead, and my dads come to hug me too. After wiping each other’s tears, they all sit down on the couch with arms around each other, absorbing all the comfort. I notice that Kai has dragged the chair in the middle and is sitting there, guitar in hand, looking at me.
His eyes are fixed on mine when he addresses me. “Babe, I’ll be writing a thousand songs for you, and each one will be an attempt to tell you how much I love you. Just know that I mean each word.” Goose bumps scatter over my arms, and a whisper in my heart tells me to brace myself, knowing these will be the last words from him that I’ll allow him to dedicate to me. Kai doesn’t take his eyes off me as he sings,
She wasn’t looking for angels,
She was looking for wings
She didn’t believe in fables,
She’s a bird who sings.
She makes the world smile,
In her own badass style
And when the world lets her down,
Her middle finger wears a crown
My broken heart’s a fighter,
In a world of clouds
She combats with fire,
When there’s water around
Break her down
She’ll curse, cry, and frown
But only a moment and then
She’ll find that smile
The madness in her eyes,
Like the portrait, an artist weaves,
Wild colors in disguise
In the whispers of my dreams,
My broken heart’s a fighter,
In a world of clouds
She combats with fire,
When there’s water around
What her heart ignores,
And mine believes,
She’s no paper flower,
Fragrance of powder?
She’s no shiny plastic,
Disguised in diamond
She’s the Phoenix, who burns
To rise from the ashes
She’s the Phoenix, who burns
To rise from the ashes …
My broken heart’s a fighter,
In a world of clouds
She combats with fire,
When there’s water around
My broken heart’s a fighter,
My broken heart’s a fighter …
Author Georgia Cates once said that “music is what feelings sound like” and right now this song is screaming Kai’s feelings. It’s so loud that I can’t hear anything else but the heat rushing through my veins, erupting a dam of feelings I kept buried.
Why did you have to do this, Kai? Why? My heart wrenches. I bite my lips to prevent my tear-filled eyes from crying. This has to stop. I take one last look into Kai’s agony-filled eyes, and I take off like a shot.
KAI
“Phoenix ...” I call out. But she doesn’t stop. I motion for Adam to stop and I run after her.
I’ve been working on this song for the past month, getting the words right, the tune right. I wanted her to understand what I’m telling her, and if tonight’s an indication, she understood it all. I knew that I’d be pushing her by singing this one, but I had to do it. She needs to be reminded that she’s strong and beautiful—that’s how I’ve always seen her.
With her back to me, I spot her under a tree—the one where we sit under to write songs. As I step closer, I realize I don’t know what to tell her.
“Phoenix?” I whisper hoarsely. With her hands covering her face, she shakes her head, and a whimper escapes her.
“Why are you doing this, Kai?” she sobs. “Why?”
“You know why,” I answer, coming to stand next to her with a hand on the backrest.
She lets her hands fall and aims those accusing eyes at me. After what seems like an eternity, she speaks, her voice brittle. “You need to go away.”
A rope of pain tightens around my throat, straining my voice. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She wraps her hands around her waist and glances up, at the sky—as if complaining to God. After a few seconds, she looks back at me, her eyes void of all emotions, and she speaks, her voice hollow. “I want you out of my life, Kai. I don’t want to see you again. Ever again.”
One second—that’s all it takes for my temper to bubble, rise, and erupt. “Fine,” I bark. “If that’s what you want, then fine. I’ll go. But then what, Phoenix? You’ll get back to hiding in your room. That’s what you’ll do, right? I still remember the day you told me that you named yourself Phoenix because you’re like that bird who will burn a thousand times but will come back victorious and relentless and stronger each time. But you know what I think now? I think that after a few burns you’ve already lost. A few bruises and you went hiding.”
“That’s not true,” she cries, tears streaming down her cheeks.
For once, I don’t let her tears deter me, and I lash out. “Really? Because from where I’m looking, Phoenix, you’ve turned into someone I don’t even recognize anymore.”
She flinches, and I know my words must be slapping her in the face. “Stop it,” she screams, her hands blocking her ears.
“Not today. Not today, Phoenix. Do you want to know how I’ve been living with myself for these past two years? You know how it was living with myself, talking to your irresponsive body every week, knowing that I was the one who put you on this bed? With every woman who looked at me, my heart only wished that it was you. With every woman who said they loved me, I only wanted to hear your voice saying it. Every day waking up was a challenge to live without you, and now you want me to go away knowing that you do feel something for me.” I crouch to her level and bring her chin up. “You choose, Phoenix,” I say, my voice hoarse from all the shouting. “What do you want your last moments to be? To wa
llow in incomplete wishes, or to bask in fulfilled ones?”
She snatches my hand from her chin. “What if I ask you the same question, Kai? What do you want your last moments to be? To wallow in incomplete wishes, or to bask in fulfilled ones? Because if you’re with me, it’ll be the former, and I’m afraid you’ll end up hating me as much as I hate myself.”
For an instance, the world stops spinning, and my anger evaporates. She hates herself? Her confession numbs me to the core—no one must feel this much pain. “God, Phoenix, you’re my only wish, and if you’re with me in my last moments, I’ll die a happy man.”
“You don’t understand.” She throws her hands up as if I'm not making any sense. “I’m not good for you, Kai. Someday you’re going to regret that you stayed, you’re going to regret all the things that I could never give you, and I’ll die each moment knowing that you’ll regret having me in your life.”
I take her face in my hands and inch closer until I’m nose to nose with her. “The sun may one day mourn that he has fire, but I’ll never regret having you in my life. If you want to spend your last moments basking in fulfilled wishes, know that I’m waiting with open arms. All you have to do is wheel to me.” I press my forehead to hers one last time, stand up, and walk away.
This is all I can do for now. I just hope it’s enough.
CHAPTER 31
PHOENIX
I lift my head, look at the sky, and scream.
And scream.
And scream some more.
Why are you being so difficult, Kai? How do I make you understand that you can have someone better than me in your life? What I’m doing is for the best—for your best.
I spend some time outside, breathing fresh air and letting my tears dry before going back to the house. When I get back inside, Dad helps me to the couch, and I distract myself by looking at the gift Kai brought me. I open the box, and a gold chain drops out. The pendant is a treble clef with a quote on it. “You’re the Phoenix, who burns to rise from the ashes.”
Silent Music Page 17