by Sandy Lowe
Jess looked away, embarrassed by her desire to fall into Mike’s arms. No one knew she liked girls. Not anyone in her hometown, and sadly, even after an entire school year, nobody on campus either. Her one overriding social goal for freshman year had been to confirm what she’d suspected about herself since the onset of puberty (maybe even before), yet she’d failed to make more than a small handful of friends, none of whom she’d come out to. It was difficult to imagine saying the words aloud when she’d spent her entire life until that point living in a small, conservative town where silence around this topic felt imperative to her very survival. Next week she’d return to that same town, still unkissed, to spend the summer in her parents’ house without having attained any confirmation that she really did know who she was. What a waste.
“No,” Jess mumbled. “I mean, yeah, I guess. Thanks.”
“Tough exam?” Mike tilted her head. “Harsh comedown from an all-nighter?”
“My exam went great.” Jess smiled tightly, wishing she could relax enough to give off a friendlier vibe. If the main source of her depression was the idea of going home without having even been kissed during her first year of college, the best possible way to treat what ailed her was to thoroughly charm the only lesbian she knew. But Mike was so sexy, especially with the tattoos she’d accumulated that year—one on each arm, both intricate enough that Jess had no idea what they actually represented since she’d only chanced subtle, fleeting glimpses when she was certain Mike couldn’t see. The idea of kissing Mike—wet dream Mike, who’d been the inspiration behind months of self-induced orgasms—was too surreal, too fantastical to entertain. Shy girls like her didn’t hook up with sexy, intelligent butch goddesses like Mike. At least not at this school. Jess’s face burned as her mind raced over these thoughts and more, making her worry that Mike might know exactly what she liked, after all. “Just…end-of-the-year blues.”
Mike returned her smile, kindly. “One more exam for me. Feels like yesterday I was freaking out about having to move into an all-girls dorm, and now it’s over. I’m actually kind of sad about that.”
Jess thought about the fan club Mike had accumulated since she’d arrived. “Why wouldn’t you be sad? All the girls love you.”
Mike snorted, sheepish. “When the university told me I’d be living here, I worried that all these straight girls fresh out of high school would see my haircut and the way I dressed and totally shun me. I didn’t count on the rampant bi-curiosity, though I suppose I should’ve.”
“Lucky.” Jess battled true envy at the thought of how wonderful it must feel to be yourself and not only be accepted, but embraced by the people around you. Even if it was only because they wanted you to feel them up. “The girls’ dorm is like the lesbian jackpot, right?” The L-word felt strange to say aloud, but she loved being able to with someone who wouldn’t judge.
“I suppose.” Rubbing her head, Mike scooted back another inch until she’d established a respectable distance between them. “But I’ve tried to be good. Even if straight girls tend to get insanely forward when they’re tipsy, I’m pretty sure indulging their curiosity too much would be the road to hell, or something.”
“At the least, it could stir up drama.”
Mike grimaced. “I hate drama.”
“Me too.” Now that they were talking, Jess’s body relaxed as she recalled that Mike was not only sexy, but also, simply, a lovely person to be around. Evenings in the common room with Mike were something she’d truly miss over the summer. Memories of their time together would surely dominate Jess’s masturbatory life for years, and yet the connection they’d formed in real life wasn’t sexual at all. Perhaps that was what made it so compelling, so ripe with possibility. “Will you live in the dorm next year?”
“Nah. Talk about feeling like an old lady!” Mike chuckled. “I rented an apartment a block away. I move in next week.”
“Oh.” Jess tried to not let her disappointment show. “Well, I’ll miss seeing you in the common room whenever I’m sexiled.”
“Maybe next year you’ll be the one sexiling.”
Jess lowered her face, bashful about the suggestion. “Probably not.”
“Well, hopefully you’ll get a roommate who doesn’t do that to you quite so often.” Mike stretched back against the arm of the couch, drawing Jess’s attention to her leanly muscled, tattooed arms, then to the stripe of bare skin revealed when the hem of her shirt rode up. “Not everyone is as big a player as Zoe.”
Jess couldn’t help but picture Mike kissing Zoe with her hand up the front of her shirt, as Zoe had told the tale. Burning with envy, desperate for something, the comment slipped out before Jess could think. “According to her, you would know.”
She was surprised when Mike blushed. Blushed. “Yeah.” Mike coughed. “That was…a lapse in judgment brought about by one too many beers.” She sought out Jess’s gaze in a way that suggested she desired forgiveness. “It happened a month after I moved in. I didn’t know her—or you—very well at that point.”
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“I know, but…” Mike shrugged. “I like you, and…I don’t want you to think Zoe’s my type or anything.”
Jess didn’t understand why Mike cared. She wished she did, because the answer felt important for reasons she didn’t dare linger on for fear that doing so would only cause her to embarrass herself. “I get it. Drunk college parties often lead to bad decisions. If kissing Zoe is the worst decision you made all year, then you probably did all right.”
Mike hesitated. “And you? Any bad freshman-year decisions?”
Jess’s eyes filled with tears that she tried and failed to suppress. She watched Mike’s blurry face fall before tightening in anger.
“Jess,” Mike said steadily. “Did someone hurt you?”
Guilt-ridden over making Mike believe she’d triggered a painful memory, Jess shook her head vigorously. “No.” She forced a laugh and wiped her tears away. “No, I’m sorry, not at all.” Hurt her? Nobody had even touched her. “No bad decisions. No good ones, either.”
“But your exam went great,” Mike said, clearly trying to help. “At the end of the day, that’s what college is all about.”
“Maybe.” Jess bit her lip and met Mike’s gaze, which held so much compassion it made her want to confess everything. Crush aside, Mike was a friend who might have also struggled to come out at some point in her life. Perhaps she could offer advice, or at the very least, reassurance. Imbued with sudden courage, Jess conducted a quick scan of their surroundings. Once she confirmed they were alone, she looked back at Mike, heart pounding. Before she could second-guess, she whispered, “I’m…I like…I’m like you.”
Mike leaned in, brows furrowed in a way that made it obvious Jess’s quiet declaration had failed to register. “You like me?”
Horrified by the misunderstanding, Jess blurted, “I said I’m like you. I’m a…” She lowered her voice. “Lesbian.”
“Oh.” A slow grin took over Mike’s face. “Am I the first person you’ve told?”
Jess nodded as yet more heat suffused her face, making her worry about the likelihood of a self-induced burn. “I grew up in a tiny, conservative town of three thousand people. I can’t imagine telling anyone there, not unless I wanted it to get back to my folks. They’d drag me to their preacher, who’d tell me what an abomination I am.” She took a breath, not wanting to dwell on those thoughts. “You’re the only lesbian I’ve ever met.”
“Shit.” Mike inched closer and put a tentative hand on her arm. “Sorry. My parents disowned me when I was seventeen, so I get it. I haven’t seen them in years.”
“I fully expect to be disowned at some point in the future.” Jess tried for nonchalance, but fell short. “Honestly, right now it feels like it might be a relief. I could just get on with my life and stop worrying about what they’ll think.”
“I’m not sure you’ll ever completely stop worrying, but not having to hide—and
not being judged by the people who raised you—is a relief. That’s where I got the idea for this tattoo, after my parents kicked me out.” Mike lifted the sleeve of her black V-neck T-shirt to show Jess one of the designs she’d wanted so desperately to see. The word FREEDOM was inked into the pale skin in bold, clear print. The last letter dissolved into a flock of small birds that whirled around in flight. “So I’d always remember the silver lining, regardless of the consequences.”
The whimsical portrayal of a poignant concept elicited an automatic smile. “It’s beautiful.”
“Thanks.” Mike gestured awkwardly at her other arm. “The other’s along the same lines, but it’s hard to see properly with my shirt on.”
Jess swallowed and looked down, sure that hadn’t been a come-on, wishing it had. Stuttering, she said, “I don’t know when I’ll be ready to tell them. I sorta feel like maybe I should at least kiss a girl first.” Terrified that Mike would take the confession as an invitation, equally terrified she wouldn’t, Jess couldn’t tear her eyes away from her knees. They bobbled nervously as she fought the urge to flee. “You know, to be sure about everything before I break their hearts.”
“Why, do you feel confused?” Mike spoke so gently that Jess couldn’t bring herself to leave. “Do you even like guys?”
“No.” Jess giggled. “Not really.”
“You don’t have to kiss someone to know.” Mike again touched her arm, this time with an encouraging squeeze. “I realized when I was six years old. My parents probably did, too.”
Jess nodded, because yes, she didn’t have to be physically intimate with a woman to know she desperately wanted to. Still, college was to have been her first opportunity to truly know in a way her gut simply couldn’t, and she’d wasted the entire year buried in schoolwork, too shy to pursue the one experience, more than any other, she yearned to have. “I get that, I just…” She exhaled, unable to admit how badly she wanted sex. Good girls didn’t, or so she’d always been told, and yet she did. So much that the thought of waiting until next fall to try again made her want to weep. “I’d hoped to make at least one bad decision before returning home to a summer of hellfire and damnation.”
“To earn the judgment?”
Mike’s obvious amusement emboldened Jess to lock eyes. “I guess. And to have the memory to help me survive it.”
Mike looked around the room, then before Jess could react, threaded her fingers in Jess’s long hair to pull her in for a soft, lingering kiss. It was nothing more than a light press of their lips, a brief mingling of their rapidly expelled breaths, but it caused Mike’s hand to tighten on her head before she slowly drew away. Mike whispered, “Did that help?”
Jess stared as Mike licked her lips, aroused by the knowledge that she was tasting the fresh coat of lip balm Jess had applied after her exam. “A little. Yeah.”
Mike fisted her hands on her knees, exhaling in a rush. “Damn, girl. You’re not making this easy.”
“I’m not?” Jess wasn’t sure how to take that. She sure felt easy, at least as far as she understood the term. “Sorry.”
“No.” Mike stared at her with an intensity that made Jess’s entire body tingle. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”
Uncertain how to take Mike’s change in mood, Jess looked away, embarrassed. “Thanks for the kiss.”
“Did it clarify anything?”
Jess couldn’t suppress the smile elicited by the memory of Mike’s supple lips against hers. “Yeah.”
“And?”
Helplessly, Jess threw up her hands and blurted, “I want to have sex with women.”
A loud whistle from across the room shattered the illusion of their solitude. “Way to go, Jess!” Miranda, who’d sat behind her that semester in Spanish, pumped a fist in the air while her friend Carli giggled. “Finally, a sign of life!”
“Hey,” Mike responded, friendly yet stern. “Back off, okay?”
“No harm intended.” Carli wrapped an arm around Miranda. “She started celebrating her last exam hours ago. Don’t mind her.”
Mike waited until Carli led Miranda away, then craned her neck to force Jess into eye contact. “Don’t listen to her. You’re worth ten of any other girl in this dorm. Believe me.”
Jess nodded silently. She wasn’t sure what was left to say. Flayed open and vulnerable in a way she’d never allowed herself to be before, with anyone, she considered going back to her room, crawling into bed, and hiding under the covers until her exam the following afternoon. Yet part of her longed to see what Mike would say next. Where might this already unbelievable interaction go? Did she dare hope that maybe—maybe—she was about to get the chance she’d waited for all year? “I appreciate that.”
Mike carefully tucked a lock of hair behind Jess’s ear. “Do you…” She exhaled. “Do you want to see my other tattoo?”
Jess was pretty sure she knew what Mike was really asking. She bit her lower lip. Nodded. “Yes.”
Mike’s throat jumped, leading Jess to the earth-shattering conclusion that she wasn’t the only one eager to explore their chemistry. “All right, but…shit,” Mike muttered. “Naturally, my roommate is fucking some guy in her bed right now.” She glowered, awash with regret. “Do you have somewhere we could go?”
Jess had never been more grateful to have a party animal for a roommate. “Zoe hasn’t been home in three days. She’s shacked up with her boyfriend at the frat house this week, trying to fulfill her alcohol-fueled idiocy quota before the semester ends.”
Mike brightened. “So you want to…”
“We can go there.” Jess stood, then steadied herself against the couch as a tidal wave of light-headedness hit her. “Whoa.”
Mike wrapped an arm around Jess’s waist to help her straighten. “I’ve got you.” The look of concern reappeared. “You sure you’re all right?” As they stepped away from the couch, Mike hugged her gently. “I don’t want to take advantage if you’re not, you know?”
Alarm swept through Jess at the thought of scaring Mike away with her timidity. “I haven’t been drinking. I’m in my right mind. I’m just…” She exhaled, trying to calm herself. “Nervous.”
“So you’ve never done anything, with anyone?”
Jess wished Mike didn’t sound so incredulous. “Never.” She waited a beat. “Well, I kissed this super-hot butch chick once, a minute ago…”
Mike chuckled. “Sounds exciting.”
“It was.”
As they approached Jess’s door, Mike said, “I need you to know I don’t expect anything, okay? If we just talk, cool. If you want to look at my tattoo, then call it a night, no problem.”
Jess appreciated the sentiment, but the closer she got to sharing another kiss with Mike, the higher her confidence soared. “Thanks, but…” She paused in front of her room, but rather than get her keys, she turned to place her hand over the tattoo she hadn’t yet seen, sliding beneath the shirt sleeve as she did to savor the heat of Mike’s skin. “I wouldn’t mind a real kiss. At least.”
“A real kiss, huh?” As Jess fumbled to fit the proper key into the door’s lock, Mike swept her long hair aside to plant a kiss near her collarbone. She whispered, “I can think of a few types of ‘real kisses’ you’ve never tried. Which do you want first?”
Jess shivered so violently she knew Mike had to notice. Indeed, hot breath washed over her throat as Mike groaned in response. Hands trembling, Jess managed to unlock the door, allowing them to stagger into the room with Mike’s lips still attached to her neck. Once inside, they broke apart so that Jess could flip on the overhead light. Immediately, Mike’s hands returned to Jess’s waist, spinning her in place to cage her against the door. Overwhelmed, Jess put her hands on Mike’s shoulders and gripped tightly, desperate for the security imparted by not only Mike’s physical, but also her mental strength. “You really want to do this?”
Mike backed off, searching Jess’s eyes. “You can’t tell?”
“But you don’t like drama.
” Jess kicked herself for bringing up reasons they shouldn’t fuck. What was she doing? “And the road to hell…”
“You’re different.”
“Why?” Jess wasn’t trying to talk Mike out of this. She just didn’t want to feel like she’d pressured her into anything.
“Well, even though I kept telling myself you’re too young for me, I’ve been crushing on you for months. Don’t think that’s bullshit, either, ’cause you’re smart, you’re motivated, you’re pretty as anything, and you’ve got fantastic tits.” Mike appeared bashful enough about this revelation to make Jess believe it might be true. “Also, we have shit in common. Difficult shit. I know what it’s like to feel alone in the place where you grew up. And…I remember how being with a woman that first time validated all of my struggles, how it actually affirmed my identity, in some crazy way.” She grinned, clearly reminiscing. “I also remember how fucking incredible it was to finally get laid. My first time was with an experienced, slightly older woman. She taught me a lot and made me feel nothing but good.” Stepping back, Mike lifted Jess’s hand to kiss the knuckles. “Is it wrong to feel excited about having the chance to give you a first time like that, too?”
Breathe, Jess coached silently. If you pass out now, you’ll never forgive yourself. “Not wrong.”
“Good.” Mike moved forward, pushing their hips together, then their breasts, as she pinned Jess against the door. “First real kiss, then? Using our tongues?”
Beyond coherence, Jess could only nod. She parted her lips when Mike pressed into them, then moaned when a tongue swept through her mouth, blazing a trail of exploration that left Jess’s panties instantly drenched. Mimicking Mike’s movements, she learned to kiss by example, until Mike’s hips began to grind against hers in what she assumed was unspoken approval. Close to orgasm merely from dry humping against the door, Jess keened in disappointment when Mike broke away minutes later. “No, don’t stop.”