“What’s the matter?” Sensei asked with perfect composure.
“Um.”
“A lady doesn’t go visit a man in the middle of the night.”
He was the same old Sensei. The moment I looked him in the eye, my knees went weak.
“What do you mean? You’re the one who invites me over here whenever you’re drunk.”
“I’m not the least bit drunk tonight.”
He spoke as if we’d been together all evening. Suddenly I felt as if the two months I had been distancing myself from Sensei never happened.
“Satoru said you were sick.”
“I had a cold but I’m quite well now.”
“Why are you wearing that strange T-shirt?”
“It’s a hand-me-up from my grandson.”
Sensei and I held each other’s gaze. Sensei’s beard was unshaven. His whiskers were white.
“By the way, Tsukiko, long time no see.”
Sensei narrowed his eyes. But he didn’t look away, so neither could I. Sensei smiled. Awkwardly, I smiled back.
“Sensei.”
“What is it, Tsukiko?”
“You’re just fine, aren’t you?”
“Did you think I was dead?”
“The thought might have crossed my mind.”
Sensei laughed out loud. I laughed too. But our laughter fell silent as soon as it converged. Please don’t say the word “dead,” Sensei, I wanted to plead. But Tsukiko, everyone dies. And what’s more, at my age I’m much more likely to die that you are. It stands to reason. I had no trouble imagining his response.
The specter of death always loomed over us.
Come in for a while, Sensei said. Have some tea, he said as he led the way inside. The small I ♥ NY logo was also printed on the back of Sensei’s T-shirt. I read it aloud while I took off my shoes.
So, you wear pajamas, Sensei? I would have thought you wore nemaki, I muttered as I trailed after him, referring to Japanese-style sleepwear.
Sensei turned to face me. Tsukiko, please refrain from commenting about my clothing choices.
Yes, I answered quietly.
Very well, then, Sensei replied.
The interior of the house was damp and quiet. A futon was laid out in the tatami room. Sensei took his time making the tea and he took his time serving it to me. For my part, I lingered over my cup, drawing out the minutes.
Several times, I called out, “Sensei,” and each time, Sensei would reply, “What is it?” I wouldn’t say anything in response, until the next time I called out, “Sensei.” It was all I could manage.
Once I had finished drinking my tea, I took my leave.
“Please take good care of yourself.” I bowed politely at the front door.
“Tsukiko.” This time Sensei was the one to say my name.
“Yes?” I raised my head, looking Sensei in the eye. His cheeks were sunken and his hair was tousled.
“Get home safely,” Sensei said after a moment’s pause.
“I’ll be fine,” I replied, rapping on my chest.
I closed the front door to prevent Sensei from walking me to the gate. A half-moon hung in the sky. Dozens of insects were chirping and buzzing in the garden.
I’m so confused, I muttered, leaving Sensei’s house.
I don’t care anymore. About love or anything. It doesn’t matter what happens.
In truth, it really didn’t matter. As long as Sensei was fine and well, that’s what was important.
This was enough. I would stop hoping for anything from Sensei, I thought to myself as I walked along the road by the river.
The river flowed along, silently, to the sea. I wondered if right now Sensei was nestled in bed, in his T-shirt and his pajama pants. Was his house locked up properly? Had he turned out the light in the kitchen? And checked the gas?
“Sensei,” I breathed his name softly, in lieu of a sigh.
“Sensei.”
The air rising off the river carried a crisp hint of autumn. Goodnight, Sensei. You looked quite nice in your I ♥ NY T-shirt. Once you’re all better, let’s go for drink. Fall is here, so at Satoru’s place there will be warm things to eat while we drink.
Turning to face toward Sensei, who was now several hundred meters away, I kept on speaking to him. I walked along the length of the river, as if I were having a conversation with the moon. I kept talking, as if forever.
In the Park
I was asked out on a date. By Sensei.
I find it awkward to use the word “date,” despite the fact that the two of us had gone on that trip together (though, of course, we hadn’t actually been “together”), but we had plans to go to an art museum to see an exhibit of ancient calligraphy, which may sound like the kind of thing students would do on a school trip, yet nevertheless, it was a date. Sensei himself had been the one to say, “Tsukiko, let’s go on a date.”
It had not been in the drunken fervor at Satoru’s place. It had not been a coincidental meeting on the street. Nor did it seem to be because he happened to have two tickets. Sensei had called me up (however it was that he got my phone number) and, straightforward and to the point, he had said, “Let’s go on a date.” Sensei’s voice had a more mellow resonance over the phone. Perhaps it was because the sound was slightly muted.
We arranged to meet on Saturday in the early afternoon. Not at the station near here but rather in front of the station where the art museum was, two train lines away. Apparently, Sensei would be busy with something all morning but would then head toward the station by the art museum.
“It’s such a big station that I’m a bit worried about you getting lost, Tsukiko,” Sensei laughed on the other end of the line.
“I won’t get lost. I’m not a little girl anymore,” I said, and then, not knowing what else to say, I fell silent. On the phone with Kojima (we had spoken on the phone more often than we had seen each other), I had always been so relaxed, yet talking to Sensei now, I felt terribly ill at ease. When we were sitting next to each other in the bar, watching Satoru as he moved about, if the conversation lulled, it didn’t matter how long the silence lasted. But on the phone, silence yawned like a void.
Um. Yes. Well. These were the catalog of sounds I uttered while on the phone with Sensei. My voice got smaller and smaller and, although I was happy to hear from Sensei, all I could think about was how soon could I get off the phone.
“Well, then, I’m looking forward to our date, Tsukiko,” Sensei said in closing.
Yes, I replied in a faint voice. Saturday afternoon, at the ticket gate. One thirty, sharp. Rain or shine. So, I’ll see you then. Good day.
After the call ended, I sat sprawled on the floor. Soon there was a soft blare from the receiver I still held in my hand. But I just sat there, not moving.
On Saturday, the weather was clear. The day was warm for fall, so warm that even my not-so-thick long-sleeved shirt felt too heavy. I had learned my lesson on our recent trip, and decided against wearing anything that I wasn’t comfortable in, like a dress or high heels. I wore a long-sleeved shirt over cotton pants, with loafers. I knew Sensei would probably say I was dressed like a boy, but so what.
I had given up worrying about Sensei’s intentions. I wouldn’t get attached. I wouldn’t distance us. He would be gentlemanly. I would be ladylike. A mild acquaintance. That’s what I had decided. Slightly, for the long term, and without expectations. No matter how I tried to get closer to him, Sensei would not let me near. As if there were an invisible wall between us. It might have seemed pliant and obscure, but when compressed it could withstand anything, nothing could get through. A wall made of air.
The day was quite sunny. Starlings were huddled close together on the electrical wires. I had thought they only gathered like that at dusk, but there were flocks of them lined up on the electrical wires all arou
nd, and it was still early in the day. I wondered what they were saying to each other in bird language.
“They do make a ruckus, don’t they?” Suddenly a voice seemed to come down from above—it was Sensei. He was wearing a dark brown jacket, with a plain beige cotton shirt over light brown trousers. Sensei was always rather smartly dressed. He would never wear anything trendy like a bolo tie.
“Looks like fun,” I said. Sensei gazed up at the flock of starlings for a moment. Then he looked at me and smiled.
“Shall we go?” he said.
Yes, I replied, my gaze downward. All he had said was “Shall we go?” in the same voice as always, but I felt strangely emotional.
Sensei paid for our admission. When I tried to hand him money, he shook his head. No, please, I invited you, he said, refusing to take it.
We entered the art museum together. It was surprisingly crowded inside. I was amazed that so many people could be interested in completely indecipherable calligraphy from the Heian and Kamakura eras. Sensei stared through the glass at the rolled letter papers and hanging scrolls. I watched Sensei’s back.
“Tsukiko, isn’t this simply lovely?” Sensei was pointing at what appeared to be a letter with fluttery script written in pale ink. I couldn’t make out a word.
“Sensei, can you read this?”
“Ah, actually, I can’t really,” Sensei said with a laugh. “But still, it really is a nice hand.”
Do you think so?
“Tsukiko, when you see a handsome man, even if you cannot understand what he says, you still think, ‘Oh, that guy’s good-looking,’ don’t you? Handwriting is the same.”
I see, I nodded. Did that mean when Sensei saw an attractive woman, he thought, “Oh, what a pretty girl”?
After looking at the special exhibition on the second floor, we went back downstairs to view the permanent collection, and by then two hours had passed.
The calligraphy was utter gibberish to me, but I found myself enjoying the time as I listened to Sensei’s murmured bursts of “Such a nice hand” or “A bit prosaic” or “Now that’s what’s called a vigorous style.” The same way as when you’re sitting at a sidewalk café, furtively passing judgment on people as you watch them go by, it was amusing to attach my own impressions to these calligraphed works from the Heian or Kamakura eras: “That’s nice” or “This one’s not bad” or “It reminds me of a guy I used to go out with.”
Sensei and I sat down on a sofa on the staircase’s landing. Numerous people passed before us. Tsukiko, was that boring for you? Sensei asked.
No, it was rather interesting, I replied, staring at the backsides of the people passing by. I could feel the warmth radiating from Sensei’s body. The stirring of emotion returned. The hard sofa with bad springs felt like the most comfortable thing in the world. I was happy to be here like this with Sensei. I was simply happy.
“Tsukiko, is something wrong?” Sensei asked, peering at my face.
Walking alongside Sensei, I had been muttering to myself, “Hopes strictly forbidden, hopes strictly forbidden.” I was mimicking the main character in the book The Flying Classroom, which I read when I was little, who says, “Crying strictly forbidden, crying strictly forbidden.”
This may have been the closest I had ever walked beside Sensei. Usually Sensei went in front of me, or I darted ahead—one or the other.
If someone were walking toward us, we would each break off to the left or to the right to make room for the person to pass. Once they had gone by, we would resume walking closely side by side.
“Don’t go to the other side, Tsukiko, come my way,” Sensei said after the umpteenth person headed toward us. But I still broke off from Sensei and went “to the other side.” For some reason, I just wouldn’t huddle over with Sensei.
“Stop swinging around like a pendulum.” Sensei suddenly grabbed my arm as I started for “the other side.” He tugged firmly. It wasn’t that he used that much force, but since I had been moving away from him, it felt like I was being tugged.
“Let’s walk alongside each other,” Sensei said, still holding my arm.
Yes, I replied, looking downward. I was about a thousand times more nervous than the first time I had gone on a date with a boy. We kept walking along, Sensei still holding my arm. The trees lining the street were just barely starting to show their autumn colors. It looks like he’s bringing me in for questioning, I thought as I walked beside Sensei.
The art museum was located within a big park. To the left, there was another museum and to the right was a zoo. The late afternoon sunlight shone on Sensei’s torso. A child was scattering popcorn on the path. The moment he dropped the pieces, dozens of pigeons would flock over. The child let out cries of wonder. The pigeons flew around him, even trying to peck at the popcorn that was still in his palm. The boy stood motionless, half crying.
“They’re rather aggressive pigeons, aren’t they?” Sensei said serenely. Shall we have a seat here? he asked as he sat on a bench. I sat down a moment after Sensei did. Now the afternoon sun’s rays fell across my torso as well.
“I bet that boy is about to start wailing,” Sensei said, leaning forward with great interest.
“I don’t think so.”
“No, lots of little boys are crybabies.”
“It’s not the other way around?”
“No, little boys are much wimpier than little girls.”
“Sensei, were you a wimp when you were little?”
“I’m still very much a wimp, even now.”
Sure enough, the little boy burst into tears. One of the pigeons had gone so far as to rest on top of his head. A woman who must have been his mother laughed as she came to pick him up.
“Tsukiko,” Sensei said, turning toward me. Now that he was facing me, however, I became incapable of facing him.
“Tsukiko, thank you for coming with me to the island that time.”
I muttered in reply. I hadn’t really wanted to think about what happened on the island. Ever since then the phrase “Hopes strictly forbidden, hopes strictly forbidden,” had been echoing in my mind.
“I’ve always been, well, a shilly-shallier.”
“A shilly-shallier?”
“Isn’t that what they used to call a kid who’s slow to respond or do something?”
But Sensei didn’t seem like the kind of person who shilly-shallied. I always thought of him as briskly decisive, standing up straight.
“No, in this way I am really something of a shilly-shallier.”
The boy who had been swarmed by the pigeons, now that he was in his mother’s arms, started scattering popcorn again.
“The child didn’t learn his lesson, did he?”
“Children never do.”
“That’s right, and I guess I’m no different.”
He shilly-shallies and he never learns. Just what was Sensei trying to say? I stole a glance at him—he was sitting up perfectly straight, as always, watching the little boy.
“When we were on the island, I was still shilly-shallying.”
The pigeons were swarming the boy again. His mother scolded him. The pigeons were trying to alight on her too. Still holding the boy, she tried to extricate herself from the flock of birds. But since the boy wouldn’t stop strewing the popcorn, the pigeons just kept following the mother and child. It looked as though they were trailing a huge moving carpet made of pigeons.
“Tsukiko, how much longer do you think I’ll live?” Sensei asked abruptly.
I met Sensei’s gaze. His eyes were placid.
“A very, very long time,” I cried out reflexively. The young couple sitting on the next bench turned around in surprise. Several pigeons took flight.
“You know that’s not the case.”
“But, still, a long time.”
Sensei took my left hand in his right hand
, his dry palm enveloping mine.
“And would you not be satisfied, if it weren’t a long time?”
What? My mouth was half-open. Sensei had called himself a shilly-shallier, but I was the one who hesitated now. Even in the midst of this conversation, I sat there pathetic and slack-jawed.
The mother and child had disappeared without my noticing. The sun was starting to set, and the first signs of dusk were creeping up around us.
“Tsukiko!” Sensei said, sticking the tip of his left index finger into my open mouth. Astonished, my automatic reaction was to close my mouth. Sensei nimbly pulled his finger back out before it was caught by my teeth.
“What are you doing?!” I cried out. Sensei chuckled.
“You were in a bit of a daze, Tsukiko.”
“I was just thinking about what you said.”
“I’m sorry.” As he apologized, Sensei drew me into his arms.
As he held me close, it seemed like time stopped.
Sensei, I whispered.
Tsukiko, Sensei whispered back.
“Sensei, even if you were to die very soon, it would be all right for me. I could handle it,” I said, pressing my face against his chest.
“I’m not going to die very soon,” Sensei replied, still holding me in his arms. His voice was hushed. He sounded just like he had over the telephone: muted, with a mellow timbre.
“It was a rhetorical statement.”
“Well, then, rhetorically, it was an apt expression.”
“Thank you.”
Even as we embraced each other, we continued to speak formally.
One after another, the pigeons were flying up into the cluster of trees. Up above, crows were circling. They cawed loudly to each other. The darkness was gradually deepening. I could only make out the dim outlines of the young couple on the next bench.
“Tsukiko,” Sensei said, adjusting himself so that he was sitting upright again.
“Yes?” I too sat up straight.
“So, then, well.”
“Yes?”
Sensei fell silent for a moment. I could barely see his face in the twilight. Our bench was the farthest one from the lamppost. Sensei cleared his throat a few times.
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