by Scotty Cade
“What would Lindsey think, and oh God, Zoe and Jack? They’re the only family I have besides my half sister. How would I tell them? I don’t even know what to do with a man, how to act, how to feel. Brad, I’m very attracted to you, and I think I have real feelings for you, but I don’t know how to act on them, or if I even want to act on them. Does that make me a coward?”
Brad opened his mouth to speak.
“No, don’t answer that. I’m not through yet.”
Brad closed his mouth and took a deep breath.
“I love it here,” Mac continued. “If I chose not to act on this thing between us, will it ruin our friendship? Can I still come up here? Hell, I don’t even know if you want me to act on this. Brad, help me out here.”
“Can I speak now?” Brad said with a smile.
“God yes,” Mac said. “Please, I’m burying myself faster than an undertaker.”
“For starters, I don’t know what this thing is either. I am gay and have been all my life, so I don’t know any other way of life. That part is a no-brainer for me. I thought that my attachment to you was just gratitude for helping me get through Jeff’s death. Then the stronger I became, the stronger the attachment became. I don’t know what these feelings are, and whatever they are, I know I denied them at first and tried to subconsciously push them away. But I think, at some point, I would like to see where they go, when I’m ready—and if you even want to. I’m not ready to let Jeff go, and I know that’s not really fair to you, but I need to sort this through, just as you do. Whatever we decide, this can’t ruin our friendship. I need you and….” Looking around and gesturing to the surroundings, he finished, “I need this.”
Brad put his hand out, open palm up, and looked at Mac. Mac slowly and reluctantly slipped his hand into Brad’s and entwined their fingers. They stayed that way in silence, sipping their wine and watching the sun dip behind the mountaintops like they had done so many times before. Only this time, it was different, very different.
Mac broke the silence. “Well, I think everything’s on the table,” he said. “Tomorrow morning, I’ll be out of here for a while, and I think the time away will be good for both of us.”
Mac started to say something else, then stopped.
“What is it, Mac?” Brad asked.
Mac opened his mouth to speak again, but only hesitated this time before he spoke. “This might sound stupid, but tonight, let’s just enjoy each other’s company and do what feels right. No labels, no questions, and no analyzing. I want to see what it feels like to just be with you, just hang out as if we were a couple, with no anticipation of what will or will not be.”
“It doesn’t sound stupid at all, Mac. I think I’d like that.”
When they could no longer see the glow of the sun behind the mountain and the chill had started to set in, still hand in hand, Mac stood. He looked down at Brad. “How about we move inside? It’s getting a little chilly.”
“Sure,” Brad said.
Before Brad could stand, Mac pulled him out of his chair into a standing position and put his arms around Brad’s waist. He moved hesitantly, but buried his head in Brad’s neck and inhaled Brad’s scent. It felt strange, but comfortable at the same time. He exhaled and gently kissed Brad’s neck. He held his lips there, savoring the taste of Brad’s skin.
Brad slowly wrapped his arms around Mac’s neck, closed his eyes, and leaned into the embrace. He thought how good it felt to be held by a pair of strong arms again. He struggled to push thoughts of Jeff out of his mind and tried to focus on the here and now.
They stayed that way for a few minutes, experiencing the new sensations and simply enjoying the moment.
Mac stepped away from the embrace first. He handed Brad the wine bottle and grabbed the plate of cheese and fruit and the wine glasses. He took Brad’s hand and led him inside. Mac poured them each another glass, and while he started a fire, Brad went about lighting the oil lamps. When all was done, they sat on the couch, but this time next to each other.
“A penny for your thoughts?” Brad asked.
“Well, I was just thinking that we’ve done this drill so many times since we bought this little cabin. I make the fire, you light the lamps… but somehow it feels different tonight.”
“Different how?” Brad asked.
“I’m not sure, just different.”
“I think I know what you mean, Mac, but I can’t quite put my finger on it either.”
“Thank goodness,” Mac said. “At least I’m not the only crazy one.”
“I think we’ve already established that.” Brad chuckled.
“So what now?” Mac asked.
“What are you looking at me for?” Brad said guardedly. “This is just as weird for me as it is for you.”
“Yeah, but you’ve done this before,” Mac said.
“Done what?” Brad asked.
“You know, been with a guy.”
“Are you serious?” Brad said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Well, kind of,” Mac said.
“Look, Mac, I don’t know what you think happens with two guys, but it’s pretty much the same thing as a guy and a girl. And to be honest, I haven’t had that much experience. Jeff was only the second guy I ever dated. So I’m just as nervous as you are.”
“Then we’re pretty much screwed,” Mac chuckled.
“Isn’t that usually the end result anyway?” Brad asked.
“Pretty much,” Mac responded, and they both laughed.
Mac took a sip of his wine and got up to stoke the fire.
“I guess we should start to think about dinner,” Brad said.
“Yeah, I’m getting pretty hungry. How about I throw a couple of steaks on the fire, and you put two potatoes in the microwave,” Mac said. “That shouldn’t take us too long, and then we can relax for the rest of the evening.”
“Great idea,” Brad said.
While Mac prepared the steaks, Brad stabbed the potatoes with a fork, wrapped them in damp paper towels and popped them in the microwave. Mac skewered the steaks and placed them on the rack in the fireplace. They had both mentally thanked Seth over the last few months for installing the battery-operated rotisserie and grilling rack in the fireplace several years back. It really made grilling easy.
In about fifteen minutes, they were eating like kings and enjoying a second bottle of wine. When they were through, Brad headed to the kitchen to start the cleanup process. Mac joined him, and Brad couldn’t help but notice how their hands and shoulders brushed against each other’s a little more than usual. But he liked it.
When they were finished, Mac threw himself on one end of the couch with his legs spread over the length of the couch. When Brad joined him, Mac pulled up his knees as an invitation, and Brad sat on the other end of the couch. Mac stretched his legs out again and lay his feet on Brad’s lap.
Brad removed both of Mac’s slippers and started to rub Mac’s feet. Mac leaned his head back on the arm of the couch and closed his eyes.
Mac opened one eye and said, “That feels really good.”
“Just lay back and relax. I got pretty good at this when Jeff was sick, it made….” He stopped and said, “Never mind. Relax and enjoy.”
Mac closed his eyes again and did what he was told. Brad again tried to put Jeff out of his mind. This would take some getting used to. He’d done nothing but think about Jeff for the last six months, and now he was trying to block him out of his mind for one night.
Brad watched the look of comfort on Mac’s face. Mac seemed really relaxed, and Brad was glad he could do that for him. Mac had done so much for him, and he couldn’t think of a way to pay him back. Maybe this was a little way he could show Mac how much he appreciated him. When Brad finished one foot, he massaged the second foot until Mac was purring like a kitten. He slipped out from under Mac’s legs and headed for the kitchen to refill their wine glasses, and as he passed Mac’s head, Mac grabbed his legs.
“Where do you think you’re going
?”
“Shhhh… to get more wine,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
Mac pulled on Brad’s legs, and Brad landed on top of him.
“Whoa, flyboy,” Brad said.
“What makes you think I was asleep?” Mac asked.
“The fact that you were snoring, to start with,” Brad said.
“Was not,” Mac snapped back.
“Was too,” Brad said.
Mac smiled, raised his head, and plastered a quick kiss on Brad’s lips. Brad kissed him back as an invitation, and Mac went in deeper for another. Brad opened his mouth at Mac’s silent request, and they both gave way to the intimacy of it all. Brad was the first to pull away this time. Mac looked disappointed, but he held Brad’s gaze.
“This all feels so natural and easy,” Brad said. “Being with you like this. I never imagined ever being with anyone else, especially you.”
“Thanks a lot,” Mac said.
“No, I didn’t mean it like that, you know what I mean,” Brad responded.
“Brad, you can see that I’m struggling with this too, but at the same time, it does feel really good.”
“Mac, this isn’t an easy life. Although things have gotten so much better, there are still a lot of prejudices out there. Sure, we’re able to marry in a few states, but at what cost?”
Mac tilted his head and looked at Brad. “Brad, I still don’t think that I’m gay. If I were to leave this cabin tomorrow and never see you again, I don’t think I would ever look at another guy. Does that sound weird?”
“Not really,” Brad said. “I have this theory about sexuality. Do you want to hear it?”
“Sure,” Mac said as he nudged his way over on the couch and Brad slid in between him and the back of the couch. “Okay, shoot,” Mac said.
“I believe that, in general, people are born sexual. I think that if society didn’t tell us who it was and wasn’t okay to be with, and everyone could be with whomever they chose without persecution, I believe that there would be many more same-sex couples. People are drawn to one another many times in life for many reasons. But if it were as ‘normal and accepted’ to be in a same-sex relationship as it were to be in an opposite-sex relationship, then those same people would probably find their way to each other romantically. If people had the right to choose a same-sex partner without prejudice, I think they would,” Brad continued.
“So you’re right, you could leave here tomorrow and never ever look at another guy, because society says it’s not okay to do so. Remember, we didn’t start out our friendship with the hopes of any type of romantic relationship. It just sort of happened. We had something in common in the beginning that bonded us together, and then we got to know one another on a one-on-one basis and found out that we enjoyed each other’s company, and we were open enough to see that there might be something between us.”
“Wow, that’s some theory,” Mac said.
“Do you disagree?” Brad asked.
“No, I don’t think so. I just never heard it put that way, and it does make a lot of sense. I mean, in my opinion, hatred and prejudice is something we’re taught, not something we’re born with. It’s like, when we’re young kids, we don’t see other kids as different because of the color of their skin or the size of their body, but then we grow and all hell breaks loose.”
“Exactly,” Brad said. “But, Mac, also remember being gay or together up here when it’s just the two of us is very different from the real world. I’ve never hidden who I am, and I would never do that. We are so far away from that ever being an issue, but it’s something you have to think about while you’re away. I believe there is something between us that we can explore if and when we want to—when I’m ready and if you’re ever ready—but the decision to be with another man is not something to be taken lightly. You can’t go back. I’ve never wanted to go back because I’ve always known who I am, but you haven’t been so fortunate.”
Mac jabbed him in the gut, and he laughed. “I’m just kidding, but you know what I’m trying to say.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Mac said. “But, Brad, please understand something. I don’t take relationships lightly. When I make a commitment, I keep it, and if I were to ever make a commitment to you or anyone else, I would honor it until the end. When I love, I love all the way. There’s no halfway, it’s all or nothing.”
“I’ll remember that,” Brad said.
“Now, let’s get some sleep,” Mac said. “I have to get up very early to beat this storm.”
“Mac?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you like to bunk in with me—I mean, just sleep with me?”
Mac hesitated and Brad said, “Never mind, that’s probably a bad idea.”
“Yeah,” Mac said.
“Yeah what?”
“Yeah, I would like to sleep with you.”
They got up and each went through their normal routine to get ready for bed.
When they were through, they both walked to Brad’s bed and stopped at the foot. Mac reached out and took Brad into an embrace and gently kissed him on the cheek. They stripped down to their boxers and T-shirts and climbed into bed. Mac thought about how Brad slid in and snuggled his back into him, as Brad had done in his dream. Mac put his arm around Brad’s waist and pulled him close.
“This is nice,” Mac said.
“It is,” Brad responded.
Mac again buried his nose in Brad’s neck and inhaled Brad’s scent. He gently kissed him on the neck and said, “Good night, Brad.”
“Night, Mac.”
Mac closed his eyes and thought about the road he was heading down, and tried to separate his heart from his head, but it didn’t work. If he were to get involved with Brad, he had to know what he was getting into. Brad didn’t deserve to have half of him, and he certainly didn’t deserve to be hurt after working so hard to get over Jeff’s death. I have to be certain, was his last thought as he fell off to a comfortable sleep with Brad wrapped in his arms.
Brad lay awake, thinking about the man in his bed. When had this happened? When had he gone from losing Jeff to having feelings for Mac? It all seemed so odd, but he did think he had strong feelings for Mac. It was asking an awful lot of Mac to commit to a life with him, if it came to that. He needed more time to think about all of this. What would Jeff think? Neither of them had gone out looking for this, it just happened—surely Jeff knew that. I have to be certain, was his last thought as he fell off to a comfortable sleep, wrapped in Mac’s protective arms.
Chapter 17
BRAD woke up in the same position in which he had fallen asleep. He instinctively glanced at the clock—Six thirty-two. Damn, why did I sleep so late? He glanced at the window, which was part of his wake-up routine, and remembered it would still be dark outside. Then he remembered he and Mac had closed and secured all the shutters yesterday. Mac! He suddenly remembered that he’d gone to sleep in Mac’s arms. Unconsciously, he reached behind him for the comfort he’d experienced during the night, but the bed was empty.
He sat up and looked around the cabin. Mac was gone. “Mac?” he called. No answer. He got up and checked the bathroom; it was empty. He climbed the ladder to the loft. Mac’s bed was as it had been the day before. He opened the front door and immediately felt a chill. Mac wasn’t here. Disappointment overtook him as he closed the door. He walked to the kitchen to start the coffee when he saw the note on the kitchen table.
Good morning sleepyhead,
I hope you don’t mind that I snuck out, but you were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to wake you. I left around five thirty so I could make it to the lake, get the plane ready for an early flight, and get out before the storm hits. Please believe me when I say that my leaving without saying good-bye had nothing to do with you, our conversation, or our night together. I just thought it might be easier on both of us to not have to say good-bye right now. We both have so much to think about, and I know neither of us will take any of this lightly, but I do know that w
hatever happens, I never want to lose your friendship. I’ll always hold you in the highest regard, and I’ll always be here for you, if and when you need me. I also know that the loss of Jeff is still fresh in your heart and mind, and I don’t even know how to begin to compete with his memory. So basically, I can decide whatever I decide, but this all depends on you and if you’ll ever be ready to open your heart to anyone else.
I’m as confused as I’ve ever been in my life, and I don’t know what to think of all these emotions and, more importantly, how to sort through them. Lindsey always said that “the heart wants what it wants” even if it’s a difficult situation. And for the first time, I really see what she meant.
I know you’re nervous about being here all alone for the first storm of the season, but I know you’ll be okay. Even though we both need a little time away, if I can possibly get back before the storm hits, I will. Take care and if you need me, use the VHF radio, and I will always be here.
Mac
He put the letter down and looked around the little cabin. Between the darkness of the windows and the silence and the chill of the early morning, he felt very lonely.
He walked to the table where the VHF radio was and picked up the handset. He raised it to his mouth and almost started to speak. He put it back down and stepped away.
He needs time, he thought. He said that in his letter. But I want to make sure he’s okay. Fuck time. I need to talk to him.
He stepped up to the radio, picked up the handset, and pressed the button. “November 4649 Delta, this is Wing Mansion. Over.”
He waited for a few seconds and heard nothing.
“November 4649 Delta, this is Wing Mansion, do you copy?”
He waited again.
Just when he was about to repeat the call again, he heard, “Wing Mansion, this is November 4649 Delta, I hear you loud and clear. Wing Mansion, switch to channel one eight. Over,” he heard Mac’s voice say.