She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block him out but he was there, so she opened them. Her entire body was shaking and she felt cold. Brian pulled her against his chest, rocking her. She was trying to inhale, to just get a full breath into her lungs but it seemed impossible, like there was a boulder blocking her airway.
“Shhhhh, baby, it’s okay, love… it’s okay…I’ve got you,” Brian was whispering to her as he gently rubbed her hair, soothing her, calming her down. “Just breathe, baby… I’m so sorry. Just breathe. I’m sorry…”
She inhaled, her chest working overtime as she attempted to get fresh air into her lungs. She could feel him still, smell him, taste him invading her. She shook her head, her breathing labored and she jumped up out of Brian’s arms and ran to the bathroom.
Chapter 12
Brian was sitting on the futon with his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, when she entered the living room twenty minutes later. He jumped up when he saw her, crossing the room quickly and wrapping her in a hug that was so tight she could barely breathe.
“I’m so sorry, Destiny,” he murmured. He pulled back slightly so that he could look at her. His voice was strained and his eyes were tortured. “I didn’t mean to push you… I…”
She shook her head inhaling a shaky breath. “You didn’t push me, Brian,” she said, meeting his eyes. She hated herself for the guilt and pain that she saw there. “I initiated that... I just wanted to be close to you.”
She pushed out of his loose embrace and walked further into the living room, pacing toward the opposite side of the room. “But he took that too. I can’t even be touched without thinking of him, flashing back to him.”
She was getting angrier and angrier thinking about all of the intangibles that he had stolen from her. “I feel so, ugh!” She shook her head. “I hate this! I hate him! I hate myself for breaking down like that in front of you and making you feel like you can’t even touch me…”
She was practically yelling now, ignoring his attempt to speak.
“Do you know we’ve barely touched in three weeks? I’ve been itching for you to touch me, thinking about it non-stop and then you do and I freak out? I hate him! I feel like he ruined me!”
Her chest was heaving and her fists were balled at her sides. If she were in her self-defense class she’d be kicking the crap out of Greg, her instructor, right now–letting all of her rage, frustration and resentment out with each studied blow. Instead, she felt trapped inside of her fury. It consumed her, washing over all of her wounds like alcohol, burning her slowly. She couldn’t even cry. She turned away from him, staring out of the patio door, looking at the street light cascade over the palm trees that decorated the front of her building. It seemed like forever before he spoke.
“You’re not ruined, Destiny,” he said, quietly. “He doesn’t have the power to do that. Don’t give him the power to do that. I shouldn’t have pushed you that quickly. This is my fault.”
He paused, probably watching as she shook her head in denial. “I’m not even going to pretend to know how you feel right now, or that I know what to say. Being in that hospital room and listening to what happened to you…”
He hesitated again, weighing his words. The silence stretched between them like an intangible force field.
“Part of me wishes they didn’t catch him,” he admitted, his voice full of barely contained rage.
She continued to stare at the street, her body tensing as she listened to his admission, to the dark, dramatic shift in his tone.
“Because what I want to do to him, what I would do to him is way worse than any day he could ever serve in prison. I think about it over and over again… what I’ll do to him if I ever have the opportunity.”
He released a breath and she knew without turning around that he was running his hand over his head. “I know I’m not dealing with this the right way,” he said after another long second.
Frustration and anger were clouding his voice. “It makes me sick, knowing you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can do to help it. I’m the one that let you go that night because I was pissed. I wasn’t there to protect you.”
“It’s not your fault,” she told him again, turning to face him.
He looked away, then back to her and she knew without him saying that he didn’t believe her.
“It’s not,” she said again. “It’s mine, for not paying attention. I should’ve been paying attention.”
“If there’s one thing I do know is that you are not to blame for any of this,” he said, looking her directly in the eyes. “You understand?” he pressed.
She paused then finally nodded. He released a breath. “You were texting me when you should’ve just been with me,” he said quietly.
“You can’t blame yourself for this, please,” she pleaded, her voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t deal with that, too.”
She sighed. Her heart was so heavy. He stepped forward and wrapped her in his arms. She couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d be around to hold her.
“Sooner or later you’re going to get tired of this,” she whispered. “Maybe we just need to take a break from each other. From this. Until I can… you know, get better again.”
She heard him sigh and his arms tightened around her.
“I don’t need a break from you, Destiny. I don’t want to take a break from you, whatever that even means.”
“But I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to start feeling normal again. I don’t know if the next time we’re together like that… I don’t know if I’ll flip out again…”
“I’m not going anywhere.” His answer was immediate, without a trace of hesitation. “I love you. I just want you to be okay. However long that takes, and whatever it takes to get you there, I’m down.”
She closed her eyes, burying herself in his solid embrace, inhaling his words. She just wished she could believe them.
* * *
Saturday, 6:43 p.m.
Vanessa wasn’t at counseling today. Instead, they had some chick named Joyce running the group session. For the record (which is weird to write because no one else will ever be reading this Cathartic Ass Journal) I should probably mention that Vanessa’s name isn’t actually Vanessa. It’s really Tricia. But since Tricia is the most boring name known to mankind—I seriously can’t name a single person on earth named Tricia who is remotely interesting—I’ll be calling her Vanessa for my own sanity because she looks like Vanessa Huxtable from the Cosby Show. Anyway, since she wasn’t there Joyce was leading the group and I promise if she’s there next week, I’m never going back. I thought Vanessa was annoying but that Joyce chick was fucking retarded. She kept saying that “The Lord works in mysterious ways”—as a way of explaining fucking Connor Dorsey. As a way of explaining the 15 year-old girl’s uncle who has been molesting her since she was five. As a way of explaining the boyfriend who date raped his 18 year-old girlfriend because he thought she was “joking” when she repeatedly tried to push him away, screaming “no.” But it’ll all be okay, according to Joyce, because “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Um, sorry Joyce, but that ISN’T EVEN IN THE FUCKING BIBLE. You’d think she would know that being a church elder and all, or whatever the hell she calls herself. I hate it when people use that as a way explaining something that really has no logical explanation. You don’t know why I was raped and neither do I, so don’t go making up dumb ass bible quotes as a way of pretending like you do. Seriously. She kept telling us to not be mad at God. She kept looking at me when she said it too. I wanted to tell her that I’m not mad at God. I’m just pretty sure He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me. Either that or he’s trying to teach me a lesson? Which brings me back to him not giving a rat’s ass about me because why would anyone that actually loved you teach a lesson by allowing something like that to happen? But I didn’t say anything. I just sat there. I don’t have the energy to explain it to some stranger who doesn’t give a shit, or know shit about me. S
peaking of shit… I freaked out on Brian the other night. I feel so… weak? Crazy? Psychotic? I dunno. Broken. I feel broken. It’s like I’ve broken him, too. He blames himself for not being there to “protect me.” I hate that I’ve done that to him. I’ve been fantasizing about him lately. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be with him back when I wasn’t broken? What would it have been like to lose my virginity to him? You know, that’s actually stupid. I actually hate that term “lose your virginity.” As if you’ll later go searching for it or something. Like, “Hey, have you seen my virginity lying around anywhere? Did I leave it between the couch cushions?” My hand is starting to hurt. And I have to go get Raven from the airport in like now-minutes. This is still bullshit.
Chapter 13
“Love what you’ve done to the place,” Raven said dryly, the second she stepped into Destiny’s apartment.
“Shut up,” Destiny replied, rolling her eyes.
Raven was always on her about her lack of interior design skills. When they were living together in college, she’d done all of the decorating so Destiny didn’t have to worry about it.
“Girl, just get a real couch and I’ll be happy,” she tossed over her shoulder, wheeling her luggage toward the bedroom.
Destiny followed after her, lugging her shoulder bag that felt like it weighed no less than a hundred pounds. She never understood why Raven always had to pack like she was moving to Siberia for a year.
“I did get a new picture,” she offered, nodding her head toward the framed photograph of the sky that was now hanging over her desk.
Raven dropped her bag next to the bed and went to examine it. The clouds were breaking in the sky like vibrant puzzle pieces and the sunlight was beaming brilliantly through the cracks, as if it was proving that it was too magnificent to be contained by the clouds. Raven nodded in approval.
“This is nice,” she admitted, studying it with her art eye. “Who shot it?”
“Me,” Destiny grunted, slinging her ridiculously heavy bag onto her bed, “while I was in New Orleans. Brian had it blown up and framed for me though.”
He’d brought the picture by the day after her meltdown. He said it reminded him of her. He said it was like uncontained beauty. She wished she could see herself that way.
Raven smiled and planted a look on her, wriggling her eyebrows dramatically. Destiny shook her head and rolled her eyes. She didn’t really want to discuss her relationship with Brian with anyone besides him. It was too complicated. She wasn’t sure if they were even together, honestly. They hadn’t declared anything and at this point, she didn’t even want to. They were beyond titles. They were so intimate sometimes, he was so in tune with her thoughts it was outside anything she ever thought she was capable of experiencing.
But even with all of that, there was still a wall. He’d been so busy with work he didn’t get to stop by for the past two nights. And aside from last week when they’d watched Purple Rain they hadn’t even kissed. Well, for real anyway. He’d pecked her lips and lingered there for a few seconds, like he didn’t want to pull away when he left the other night. But he did. And she let him.
She was scared to go any further with him. Afraid she would spaz out again. She felt guilty about it. He shouldn’t have to be the one to deal with her new life. The one where thoughts of Connor Dorsey invaded her mind and being with a will of their own, shutting her down, engulfing her. He deserved to be with someone who was whole. Someone who he could kiss and touch without worrying about whether or not he was about to trigger another breakdown.
He’d even told her he loved her again, and as usual, she hadn’t responded. She didn’t know how. Love was overwhelming. Love came with a load of expectations. And she was barely getting through the days. She didn’t deserve his love and patience. Eventually, he would get tired of waiting for her to get normal. And that would be okay, because he deserved better. Funny how at first she was running from him because she was afraid of ruining their friendship—they were so beyond that now it was laughable.
“It’s okay, Grasshopper,” Raven was saying as she pushed up her fashionable thick-rimmed glasses on her nose. She turned and looked in the full-length mirror hanging next to her small walk-in closet, running her fingers through her wild, curly hair. “You don’t have to share your Brian secrets. Not right now, anyway.”
She whirled and flung herself onto the bed.
“I’m so glad I’m finally here,” she said, rolling onto her side and propping herself up on her elbow. “I wish I could stay longer than two weeks.”
“Me too,” she replied, meaning it.
Last year she’d been able to stay for almost a month. But her granddad lived in Tallahassee and wasn’t doing too well so she was going to visit him before heading back to Texas. It was sad. Destiny loved Raven’s granddad. She and Dorian had spent many Sunday dinners over there while they were in college. He’d always been so tough and alert. It was depressing to think about how sick he’d gotten over the past couple of years.
Raven watched as Destiny moved her journal from her bed to her desk.
“Is that the infamous journal?” Raven asked, eyeing it then her.
Destiny nodded and rolled her eyes again, plopping down on the bed next to her, releasing a sigh.
“What’d you call it? The journal of cathartic bullshit?”
Raven laughed and she giggled. “Something like that.”
Raven’s phone buzzed and she reached into her back pocket and looked at it.
“Ugh, Mark is on my last possible existing nerve,” she sighed, tossing the phone onto the bed.
“I hope you’re still ignoring him,” Destiny said, looking at her pointedly.
“I am so over him,” she lied.
Destiny threw her a look but said nothing.
“We’re meeting Dorian and Brian at their house before we go out right?”
Destiny nodded, watching as she tapped her foot restlessly against the bed. She was so hyper she wondered how she functioned, especially as a teacher. She spent practically every waking moment bouncing off of the walls.
“You’re good with going out, right?” Raven asked for the tenth time.
She nodded again and shrugged. “I’m fine, Ray.”
She picked at her chipped fingernail polish as Raven considered her for a minute, probably trying to make sure she was telling the truth.
“I’m fine,” she repeated, widening her eyes and nodding her head in reassurance.
Vanessa had mentioned that it was healthy to start living again and doing normal things, like going out in one of their last sessions.
“We probably need to get dressed,” Destiny said. “We’re supposed to be meeting them in like an hour.”
Raven hopped up and pulled her suitcase open rummaging through the contents.
“Good, because I desperately and truly need a break,” she breathed.
She pulled out a cute red dress and tossed it toward Destiny.
“Wear this,” she said, as if she expected no argument.
Destiny eyed the dress, shaking her head. “No, thank you. I’m wearing jeans.”
“No,” Raven replied. “You’re wearing this. No jeans tonight, Grasshopper. Your legs are too cute to hide.”
Destiny picked up the dress and warily examined it. She couldn’t help but think it was something Loud Girl would probably wear. Raven pulled out another chic print dress that was cut high and looked like it had just come off of the runway, or an especially moving episode of Sex & the City.
“I dunno, Ray, this isn’t really me.”
Destiny held the dress in front of her still frowning at it apprehensively. She hadn’t been near a dress since that night. She knew on an intellectual level that it didn’t matter what she was wearing, Connor Dorsey would’ve attacked her regardless. But she was still more comfortable in pants. They were harder to get off.
“Just try it on and if you don’t look hot in it, you can put on your boring ass jeans,” Raven
said exasperatedly, as she pulled her shirt over her head and slipped the printed dress on.
She shimmied out of her own jeans and walked over to the mirror, examining herself. She definitely looked like she belonged on a stage somewhere wooing a crowd with her wild, eccentric beauty.
“Put it on, Tweety,” she urged her impatiently, throwing a look over her shoulder as she tousled her sandy brown hair.
She’d recently highlighted it with streaks of blonde bringing out the hazel specs in her green eyes. Destiny sighed but did as she was told.
“Grasshopper, I do believe my mission has been accomplished,” Raven said, beaming proudly once she had the dress on.
Destiny frowned and flicked a disbelieving glance at her. Raven rolled her eyes and crossed the room and grabbed her hand, dragging her to the mirror.
“See, you look like you’re about to be the sexiest girl in the room,” she grinned as she stood next to her. “I was worried it wasn’t going to fit because you’ve lost weight, but you look hot.”
Destiny studied herself. She didn’t know about all that, but the dress did fit her perfectly, hugging her curves in the right places. She wasn’t big by any means before, but she’d lost at least ten pounds over the past few weeks. She hadn’t realized it was noticeable. She continued peering at her reflection. Her eyes were tired and distant.
“Leave your hair down tonight too,” Raven was bossing her as she moved away from the mirror to continue digging through her bag.
She rolled her eyes. “Anything else?” Destiny asked her sarcastically finally turning away from the mirror.
“Yep, I’m doing your make up.”
Destiny sighed and followed her into the bathroom.
* * *
“I hope they’re ready,” Raven said as Destiny swerved her tired Corolla into a parking space in front of Dorian’s apartment.
“I’m sure they are,” Destiny replied, glancing at herself in the rearview.
Better Than Okay Page 13