She reread the email. It was from Curt Schuster, the hiring manager at the marketing company Gabe had told her about in Phoenix, saying that they were impressed with her clips and wanted an in-person interview. Because she came highly recommended from Gabe, he was willing to shorten the process. They wanted her in Phoenix by Wednesday for the job interview and if it went well, would be ready for her to start the following week. She released a breath. She honestly hadn’t expected a real reply at all, let alone anything that sounded so promising so soon.
“What?” Dorian asked again, impatiently.
Brian was studying her. Unlike Dorian, he could wait all day.
“I just got an email…” she started, her heart thudding in her chest as she worked the situation around in her mind. “I have a job interview at this marketing company to be a copywriter.”
They both immediately smiled.
“See how quick things are starting to come together?” Brian said encouragingly, tossing a chip into his mouth.
She released another breath, not meeting his eyes.
“Dude, you’re supposed to be happy. You look like you’re about to hurl,” Dorian said, taking another huge bite of his pita.
She bit her lip and glanced up at Brian before quickly looking away again. “It’s in Phoenix.”
Brian’s head jerked up and he stared at her. Dorian looked up at her then glanced at Brian.
“You’ve been looking for jobs in Phoenix?” Brian asked after a long minute. His eyes were penetrating as he stared at her.
“No,” she said quickly. “I mean, not really. I did apply for a job in Phoenix but only because my editor, well, my old editor, Gabe, sent me the lead.” She shrugged and pushed out a breath. “I mostly did it just to say I did. Or to you know, kick start the job search for real.”
She bit her lip and focused on her half-eaten pita. Uncomfortable silence stretched across the bright yellow table.
“So are you gonna go?” Dorian asked curiously, still eyeing Brian.
She looked up at Brian. He’d put on his indecipherable mask again and she knew he was waiting for her answer.
“I’m not sure.”
She wasn’t exactly in the position to be turning down job offers. She needed to support herself and this job was paying more than she’d been making at UMusic. Still, her home was in Miami. Brian was in Miami. She watched him staring at his food, deep in thought. She sighed and bit her lip then glanced at Dorian. He was watching them both, his expression pained. She knew when she got involved with Brian she’d be putting him in the middle, whether she intended to or not.
“I can’t really afford to turn down potential job offers,” she said, voicing her thoughts aloud again. “I could be leaving a good opportunity on the table.”
Brian looked up at her. “And what would you be leaving in Miami?”
She bit her lip and stared at him, her stomach churning. He released a long breath and leaned back in his seat, running his hand over his head. She knew he was forcing his expression to be blank again. He’d gotten so good at it over the years it was probably like second nature.
Dorian shook his head. “You need to be cool,” he reasoned, looking at Brian. “She needs to at least consider it.”
Brian looked up at him, anger flashing in his eyes. “And you need to mind your own business,” he snapped. His voice was low and serious.
Dorian frowned, his dimple indenting his cheek. “She is my business,” he replied evenly, eyeing him.
“And she’s not mine?” he countered fixing a look on him that would’ve intimated anyone else. “You’re overstepping your boundaries, D.”
“You put me in the middle of ya’lls shit all of the time, dude. And now I’m overstepping my boundaries because my little cousin is sitting here looking like she’s about to fucking cry?”
“And that’s my fault?” Brian asked, glaring at him.
“Stop it,” she hissed, looking at both of them, her face twisted in anger. “I am sitting right here, you two do realize that, right? I’m not anybody’s business but my own. And I make my own damn decisions, thank you. Don’t debate me like I’m a freaking invalid.”
She glared at Dorian then looked at Brian. They were the only two men that had ever really loved her, even if it was in totally different ways. The last time they’d argued about her like this had been when she’d briefly dated Eric Rogers when she was a sophomore in high school. He played ball with them and neither one of them liked him. They’d argued about which one of them had “let her” date him, as if they had the power to decide those kinds of things for her. She’d gotten pissed and hadn’t talked to either of them for two weeks.
Brian had been the first to apologize. They’d never disrespected her decision-making, or tried that chauvinistic crap on her again. Well, in her presence at least. She pushed out a breath. Neither one of them was looking at her.
“This sucks,” she muttered, shaking her head as she twirled her straw in her lemonade.
“No shit, Sherlock,” Dorian retorted dryly.
Brian ran a hand over his head again and scowled. The flirty waitress slid up smiling but it faltered a little when she looked at all of their sullen faces.
“You guys good over here?” she asked, eyeing them.
“Yeah, we’ll take the check,” Brian answered.
Dorian was staring into space. They were silent until the waitress came back with the check. Dorian started to hand the waitress his card but Brian waved him off.
“I got it,” he said, passing her his card.
He leaned back in his chair and sighed again. He finally met Destiny’s eyes. She bit her lip, knowing she couldn’t mask the confusion and ache on her face. He looked away. She sighed again and looked up at the TV silently until the waitress came back with his card. Not only had she ruined the best night of her life, she’d just ruined lunch.
* * *
They didn’t say much on the drive back. Brian had stopped by the liquor store on his way to her apartment and she’d sat in the car while he ran in. Once they were inside of her cool apartment she kicked off her sandals and headed back to her bedroom while he fiddled around in the kitchen. She plopped down on to the bed and stared at the ceiling. He came in a few minutes later, a drink in his hand. He seated himself on the edge of her frilly comforter and sipped the brown liquid slowly.
“Jack?” she asked, turning her head to look at him.
He nodded. “You want some?”
She sat up and he handed her the glass, watching as she took a swig, wincing as the liquid burned its way down her throat, warming her belly. She handed the glass back to him and lay down again, sighing.
“It’s only an interview, Brian,” she said softly, breaking the silence.
He twisted his body to look at her. “And what happens if you get it?”
She sighed. “I don’t know.”
He pushed himself back on the bed until his back was resting against the headboard and looked down at her.
“I have to be realistic,” she said. “I need a job.”
“Have you even seriously started looking here yet?”
She bit her lip and studied the ceiling again. “This is right in front of me though. It seems irresponsible to not even think about it.”
He sighed and ran a hand over his head, taking another swig of his drink.
“I’m not telling you to be irresponsible,” he said, sitting the drink on her nightstand. “I’m just wondering why Phoenix is even an option at all at this point. It shouldn’t even be an option.”
She turned her head to look at him. “It’s not like I went searching this out, Brian.”
“But you’re seriously considering it. And if you get the job, you’ll seriously consider taking it.”
She released a breath, her silence saying more than any words could.
“I don’t do long distance.”
She turned sharply to look up at him, her breath increasing.
“So,
what are you saying?” She pushed herself up on the bed next to him. “Are you giving me an ultimatum?”
“No,” he said starkly. “I’m giving you the truth.”
She stared at him, shocked, and angry. “You’re seriously putting this kind of pressure on me? On us? You know I need a job, Brian.”
“So you want to move to Phoenix? What the hell have we been doing then? Huh, Destiny?”
“What do you mean, what have we been doing?” she asked, wrinkling her brow as she stared him.
He wasn’t being fair or thinking logically. She didn’t even have the job yet. She hadn’t even agreed to take the interview. He pushed out a breath.
“This isn’t a game to me. This isn’t something I just randomly decided to do with you to pass the time, or because I was bored or curious. I came into this knowing that whatever happened between us would be serious, from the very beginning. And I still made that choice. And after everything we’ve been through lately—even after last night, you obviously still don’t feel the same way.”
“You think I’m with you because I’m bored? Or curious?” she yelled in disbelief. “How can you say that?” she asked incredulously as she studied him.
“Because you can seriously consider leaving!”
His voice had risen and he pushed himself off of the bed and paced to the other side of the room, running his hand over his head.
“You can’t control everything, Brian,” she said, forcing herself to be calm.
“Are you joking?” he asked, turning to face her. His expression was furious. “Control everything!? I don’t control anything when it comes to you, Destiny! You have me wrapped around your finger! You move, I move. You’re sad, I’m sad. You’re happy, I’m happy. All you have to do is bite your damned lip and blink at me with those big brown eyes, and it’s over! Does that sound like control to you?”
He looked at her, his eyes full of agony. She picked up his drink and took another sip, burning her throat, her chest heaving as she stared at him, not knowing what to say.
“I love you, Destiny,” he said, looking her directly in the eyes, his voice more controlled. “I’m starting to wonder if you even get how much I love you, or if you think it’s something I just say for the hell of it. But I can’t keep doing this with you. You can’t keep pushing me away. It’s like we take a step forward and then two steps back and I can’t keep doing this… not with you.”
He paused a beat, shaking his head. His eyes were tortured and she felt like she was going to be sick.
“I can’t keep being the only one choosing here, baby,” he said, his baritone barely above a whisper. “At some point you have to choose me too.”
She pressed a hand to her stomach, trying to control the nausea that was stirring there as she jumped off of the bed, crossing the room to stand in front of him.
“But I do choose you, Brian,” she insisted, her voice shaky.
She pressed up on her toes and kissed him, her heart thudding in her chest, tears welling in her eyes. He couldn’t be pulling away from her. Not now. She couldn’t lose him. If she wasn’t able to do it with her words, she could try to convince him this way. Their chemistry was intoxicating, and she knew he couldn’t deny her anymore than she could him.
She waited for him to respond, pressing herself into him, molding her mouth to his. Finally, he started to reciprocate her touching. He ran his hands down her ribcage to her hips, pulling her roughly against him. She felt him hard against her stomach, and she moaned into his mouth, her body instinctively remembering everything he’d done to her the night before and yearning for more. He pushed his hands under her dress, cupping her butt as he lifted her up and into him. He pressed his forehead to hers, breathing heavily.
“I can’t do this,” he said, sounding distressed as he pulled away from her. He shook his head and backed away from her, breathing heavily. “I can’t.”
She felt warm tears spilling down her cheeks but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. She wished she could say the words he needed to hear, wished she could tell him she loved him too. Wished she could tell him she wouldn’t even consider the job in Phoenix, but it would be a lie. She had to get her life together, and if it meant taking a job in Phoenix, then that’s what she would have to do.
His eyes were tormented as he looked at the tears crawling down her face. He pulled her to him again, pressing his forehead to hers. He kissed her lips then pulled away again. She followed helplessly as he walked soundlessly out of her bedroom to the door, he didn’t glance at her again when he walked out of it, the lock clicking behind him.
She turned listlessly and walked to her room, tears streaming uncontrollably down her cheeks. This time when she lay crumpled in the bed, sobbing, she knew he wasn’t coming to hold her. She’d finally gotten what she’d deserved. She’d broken them.
Chapter 25
Destiny buckled the drab, gray airplane seatbelt across her lap and looked silently out of the tiny window, watching the workers clad in bright orange and dark blue hustle bags on and off the large carts on the tarmac. Someone bumped into her leg and she glanced up.
“I’m so sorry,” a frail woman with frizzy hair wearing a flower print shirt apologized, looking distraught. Destiny smiled.
“It’s okay,” she said reassuringly. “These seats are really tight.”
The woman smiled gratefully and she turned her attention back to the window. The hum of the air circulating through the cabin was especially loud today. Her phone buzzed in her hand and she answered it.
“Hey Ray,” she said.
“Hey Mopey. You make your flight?”
“Yep, barely.”
She sighed, glancing up as a man in a dress shirt and jeans slid into the aisle seat next to the frazzled lady. He grinned and gave her a small wave, which she politely returned. She was catching the first flight available to Phoenix. She couldn’t stand the thought of spending another day in her apartment, alone with her thoughts, like she did all day Saturday.
For the first couple of hours after he left on Friday it was like she was in denial. She kept expecting him to call or to text. But her phone didn’t ring once. By the time the sun went down she was sick to her stomach, literally. The nausea boiled in her abdomen and she’d actually run to the toilet, though nothing would come up. She felt like she was going crazy. Stuck inside of her brain and the guilt and anger and confusion that were consuming her. Brian had been her calm. And now he was gone.
She’d sobbed herself to sleep and when she woke up in the middle of the night, she half expected him to be there in the bed with her. On Saturday it was worse. She stayed in bed most of the afternoon, but couldn’t get the numbness to come back to her. She’d broken down and called Raven, just so she could get out of her head. She’d listened to her cry over the phone, replaying the details of the argument. She’d told her about the night before, and how he’d made her feel safe and cherished and loved with his actions and words and how she’d pushed him away anyway. Raven didn’t say a whole lot. She just mostly listened and tried to console her, though she was beyond consoling by that point.
Her heart felt like it weighed a ton and her stomach was constantly clenched. She knew she needed to get the hell of out of Miami, as soon as she possibly could. After scouring every website she knew of she’d found something reasonable for Sunday and had booked the flight with the one credit card she owned.
“I take it you haven’t talked to him,” Raven was saying, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“No.”
Raven sighed.
“You needed to do this, Tweety. For you. For your own sanity. You don’t have to take the job, if they offer it to you. But you probably would’ve regretted not going.”
Destiny bit her lip, still staring out of the window.
“Yeah, but I regret losing him even more. Why can’t I just tell him I love him? What’s wrong with me?”
There was silence on the other end and she imagined Raven tappi
ng her foot restlessly against whatever was nearby.
“You just have trust issues, Grasshopper. Probably from your dad. Look at all of the men in your life… aside from Dorian and Brian they’ve all been pretty shitty. And you know... it’s going to take a while for you to really heal from what happened to you.”
Raven hated saying the word “rape” so she never did. She just referred to it as “what happened.”
“I mean you’re still feeling the effects of it, even though you’re doing so much better.”
Destiny sighed, pushing down tears. Again. All she did anymore was freaking cry.
“You sound like Vanessa.” She’d told her that she was going out of town via email yesterday and they’d agreed that they would video chat their regular sessions.
“That’s because I’m a wise guru, young Grasshopper,” she replied confidently.
“I think they’re going to reach a plea deal soon,” Destiny breathed.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’ll just be happy when this is done with.” She paused and pushed out another breath. “I miss you being around Ray.”
“Well, remember, the best thing about being a teacher is that I can pretty much be a teacher anywhere. I’m not overly fond of Fort Worth anymore.”
“This is true,” Destiny said, almost pushing out a smile. “How’s Granddad?”
Raven had left Tallahassee the day before and was already back in Fort Worth. She sighed.
“He could be better. But he’s in good spirits.”
“That’s always good,” she replied, even though it felt inadequate.
The flight attendant dinged in, telling everyone to power down their devices. The blonde attendant was staring right at Destiny, a fake smile plastered on her face as she pointedly eyed the phone in her hand.
“Gotta go, Ray. I’ll call you when I get there.”
“Safe travels, Grasshopper. Remember to smile.”
Destiny chuckled in spite of herself. “Right.”
She powered off her phone and went back to staring out of the window.
* * *
Sunday, 1:12 p.m.
Better Than Okay Page 23