by Ella Fields
“That internship … you’re doing it in Beijing.”
Shooting up from my chair, I balked. “What? Why?”
I watched as his face fell. “Some dodgy shit is happening there, and I want eyes on it.”
I shook my head. “I’m the worst person to send. You should send people who know what they’re doing.”
“I have. They arrived last week, but you’re joining them. All you need to do is play the prodigal son who’s interested in learning the ropes and keep your eyes and ears to the ground.”
When I went to object again, he held up a finger, his tone curt. “It’s not up for debate or discussion. You’re going.”
My mouth dropped open, and I snapped it closed, teeth gritting. Renee would be home today or maybe tomorrow, I didn’t know. I just knew that I’d planned to make the most of this time, and he was ruining those plans before I’d even begun planning them. “I can’t,” I tried one more time, almost pleading as I stared at him.
His tone didn’t soften, and his gaze didn’t waver. “Yes, you damn well can. And after what you’ve done, you will.”
Arriving home, I was immediately accosted by my mother before I’d stepped one foot out of the car. Words spewed from her mouth in an unintelligible flow of fury.
How could you. You just had to steal the one thing, the one fucking thing, I’ve been looking forward to for years. To spite me, to make sure I had no part in it.
She’d cancelled our trip and had barely spoken to me in the weeks I’d been home. I had half a mind to go someplace else. Except there was no place else for me to go. They’d taken my credit card, capped my spending allowance, and my father wouldn’t even look at me. That was if he was even home.
Mom blamed me for that, too. Apparently, he was under enough stress before I decided to unleash this bomb upon them and ruin their dreams. Her dramatic words would’ve made me laugh if she wasn’t being completely serious.
To make matters worse, Lucinda and Kian hadn’t been over once since I arrived home. No dinners, no cocktails outside on the back porch that always ended up with them in fits of giggles over nothing.
Nothing. It was as if we really had ruined everything.
We. I scoffed, flipping through clothing racks in a vintage designer shop downtown. Callum wasn’t here. His internship, the one I thought meant he’d at least be home sometimes and I’d need to find ways to avoid him, was in Beijing.
That was what I’d been told, and I wasn’t about to ask questions. I could only endure my mother’s stink eye and my father’s intimidating silence for so long. Still, it seemed unfair that I was left behind to deal with the fallout. No matter that I knew he would’ve much preferred to be here, too.
It was for the best, and it would’ve been fine, except now, that impossible and ever-moving force seemed intent on catching up with me. I’d be damned if I let it. I’d come this far, and I could keep going. He’d broken my heart too many times to count, but I wouldn’t let him break me.
So there I was, avoiding not only that, but the cloud of tension that radiated between my mother and myself with a little early back to school shopping, when I ran into someone I didn’t expect to see.
“Renee,” a familiar voice said with a gasp, a stream of long black hair appearing in my peripheral.
Hilda.
Stunned, I dropped my hand away from the velvet 1970s gown. It smacked to my side as I blinked sporadically. “Uh, hi.” I shifted a smile into place, trying to mask my shock and the worry that still ate at me from years ago.
Hilda smiled, her white teeth flashing behind glossed lips. Her face had thinned out, making her high cheekbones erupt in a way that drew your eye and made you think of a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model. “I was hoping I’d run into you one of these summers.”
I couldn’t help but ask, “Why?”
She shifted her bag over her shoulder, stepping closer to me and giving me the full effect of her hazel eyes. “To apologize, I guess.” A nervous laugh snuck out. “I’m sorry I was such a moody thing in high school.”
“Oh.” I sucked in a breath, weighing her words. She’s being nice, I told myself in an effort to rein in my inner bitch. “You weren’t that bad.”
“Don’t even try that,” she said, waving her hand with another laugh. “Besides, the Renee I knew told it like it was. Don’t tell me you’ve changed that much.”
I laughed, tucking some hair behind my ear. “No need to worry about that.”
Her smile faded, her teeth catching her lip. “I was seeing this guy when I started at Emington, and when we broke up, I, well, I fell apart.” Wetness filled her eyes, but she beamed once more. “Anyway, I was such a mess, my parents forced me to start seeing someone, or else they’d pull my tuition.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, at a loss for what else to say.
“It turned out to be a blessing. It would seem I have a lot of, um, insecurities. They can result in mood swings, severe resentment, and other nasty things.”
I nodded, thinking that made sense as I looked back on the girl I once knew. A girl who seemed a world away from the one standing before me. “I’m glad it’s worked out, then.”
Staring at me a long moment, she shook her head. “Me too. Hey, I’d love to grab a coffee, maybe catch up.” She shifted her bag over her shoulder again. “You can tell me all about Gray Springs, Callum, and what I’m sure is the start of a fantastic career in design.”
I didn’t want to talk about any of those things. Not only because I had nothing good to share, but because looking at her, the eager, trusting light in her pretty eyes and that hopeful smile, I just … couldn’t. “I’m sorry, but I need to get home. My mom is expecting me.”
Without looking at her, I stormed out of the store and went straight to the parking lot.
My phone buzzed for the sixth time that day on my dresser, a sound I shouldn’t have heard over the noise of my sewing machine. I ignored it—ignored him—just like I’d managed to do all summer.
Before leaving school, I’d pulled out the machine from beneath my dorm room bed and hauled it into the back of my car. I thought it’d be a good distraction and at the time had no idea how much I’d need it.
“Renee,” my mother said, knocking lightly on my door. “Come downstairs please.”
She didn’t wait for me to look up from the half-pleated skirt before disappearing. Pulling it out, I tied off the thread, carefully draping the skirt over the back of my chair after turning the machine off.
They were seated in the living room. The TV was off, and my father’s phone perched on his knee as he sat statue-still beside my mother.
I took a seat on the opposite couch, clasping my hands over my knees, not daring to talk before they did. The tick of the old grandfather clock made the hairs on my arms rise, my feet itching to fidget over the oriental woven rug beneath them.
My father broke the silence. “We’ve spoken with Kian and Lucinda, and they’ve informed Callum.”
I blinked. “Informed him of what?”
My father swung his gaze up from the floor, leveling me with a look that made me sink back into the couch. “Of your wedding. You will keep this quiet.” He raised a brow. “Seeing as you two have apparently managed to do so for this long, you shouldn’t find it too taxing.”
I waited, my scattered thoughts trying to connect the words he wasn’t saying.
“You’ll get married again,” Mom supplied matter-of-factly. “If news gets out, we’ll say the first one was intimate. Family only. Arranged to better the company’s future.”
“But it shouldn’t because you’ll keep your traps shut,” my father clipped, leaning forward and tossing his phone to the coffee table. “Being that it’s the end of summer, we’ll give you until next summer to wrap your spoiled little heads around the idea.” A look at my mother had him adding, “It’ll also give Valery and Lucinda adequate time to organize everything to their liking.”
My mother gave him a thankful smil
e, and my spine straightened.
“This is why we did it,” I snapped, losing sight of the fact we weren’t even together anymore. “This …” I waved a finger between them. “We didn’t want to get married under anyone else’s terms but our own.”
“And I suppose you also dislike the terms you’ve lived by all your life?” My dad arched a brow. “The ones that allow you to buy whatever you wish, do whatever you like—to a certain degree—and grant you opportunities for your future others could only dream of?”
My shoulders drooped, and my mother tsked. Even pissed off, she had an uncanny eye for bad posture.
I pulled them back, then stood. “Is that a threat?”
My father leaned back into the couch, offering a grim smile. “You’re free to do as you wish, but don’t come crying to me when you can’t afford to do so.” At the paling of my face, he sighed. “Renee, is it really too much to ask for? Come on, you’re both almost adults now. Be reasonable. A beautiful wedding isn’t something to gripe about.”
He was right, but he didn’t know. I sniffed, looking down at the rug, defeated. Perhaps the only way to stop this train wreck was with the truth. “I didn’t care about it then, and I still don’t. We aren’t even—”
“Enough,” my father said, standing and buttoning his suit jacket. “Your mother will be in contact about it during the new school year. Make sure you play nice.” With a sharp look at me, he grabbed his phone and left the room. “Enjoy your last few days at home.”
I looked at my mom, who was biting her bottom lip as she stared at a perfectly stacked set of coffee table books. “Will this make you happy?” I snapped, feeling so many things yet unable to gather any of them into one feeling or into the right words.
She looked up at me, a hesitant smile tilting her red lips. “Oh, I’m still not ready to forgive you.” She stood, plucking at her pencil skirt. “But it’s a start.”
Filled with disbelief, I watched as she left. I collapsed back into the couch, wondering what Callum would make of all this. Then I remembered, they’d apparently informed him.
He knew and obviously hadn’t put up much of a fight or told them the truth.
He’d left that up to me.
The dark olive walls seemed to swell. The room, this entire house, becoming too small. I dragged myself upstairs, turning on the TV in my room as loud as I could get away with, then stripped out of my clothes.
In my bathroom, I yanked open the shower door and turned the taps until the water rained down on me in scalding jets.
Grabbing my loofah, I held it to my mouth, slid down the cold tiled wall, and screamed.
I left home the next day and stayed in a cheap hotel, binge eating and watching reruns on TV until I could gain access to my dorm room the following morning.
I made a mental note to talk to my parents—especially while they thought they’d won with this whole wedding fiasco—about raising the limit on my checking account. With two years still left at Gray Springs, I couldn’t see myself surviving in a space smaller than my bathroom back home, and with a girl who no doubt resented my mere existence. It was time I finally got my own apartment.
The team had a preseason away game the first weekend back, and I hadn’t seen Callum since I ran into him outside the library a few days prior. He’d been with a friend, and I’d kept walking as soon as he saw me. He’d called after me but didn’t follow.
Confusion, anger, and a restlessness I couldn’t name took hold, making the days fly by, and the nights drag on as I stared at the popcorn ceiling, listening to Hannah mumble in her sleep.
One morning, I found myself sitting in my car outside the Bean Stream, a small café on Main Street, staring at the car parked in front of me when I saw Pippa walking by.
She’d stopped dead in her tracks, her back stiffening as though she’d seen a ghost.
There was no ghost, just her boyfriend, or maybe ex-boyfriend, Toby.
Feeling dumbstruck and wanting to help, even if it was partially to distract myself from my own problems for a little while, I’d wound the window down and told her to get in, taking her to school.
She’d been tight lipped about Toby, what had happened with him overdosing months ago, and what’d happened with them since. Not that I could blame her. And as I left her standing outside the science building, I wondered if that’d be the last I’d see of her for a while, or if we’d happen to cross paths again.
We didn’t, so a few weeks later, I took it upon myself to visit the ice-cream parlor she worked at under the guise of needing someone to go shopping with. She took the bait, but my plans were foiled by a dog. I found it sad really, that my life had deconstructed piece by piece in a way that made rescuing some stray, probably flea ridden, dog the highlight of my week.
Perhaps it was the universe’s way of saying I’d eventually have to deal with this compounding pain that doubled each time I heard or thought of his name, instead of trying to run away from it. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t agree with the universe. Not one bit.
Besides, thinking back to when I saw Hilda over the summer, I didn’t know if what I was seeking was a friend. Even if Pippa was different from any so-called friends I’d had in the past.
Thanksgiving had recently come and gone, and my refusal to go home was met with, “That’s fine. We’re going out of town for a mini vacay.”
Friends. Men. Family.
Time and time again, I was shown how useless they were and how alone I was.
I kicked the vending machine, cursing as pain flared in my big toe. “Stupid mother of a fucking thing.” I winced, leaning against the wall beside it to remove my black leather ballet flat. “Goddamn it,” I said quietly, eyeing the scuff mark on the toe of the shoe. “Of course, I ruin a two-hundred-dollar pair of shoes right now.”
“Is there ever a good time to ruin a two-hundred-dollar pair of shoes?”
I fell to my butt in shock, wedging my shoe back over my throbbing toe as my eyes drifted up Pippa’s tanned legs. Her green eyes were filled with humor, but the wry smile had me thinking she found my apparent state of distress a little alarming.
“Hey,” I said, dropping my gaze to the ground and laughing. “Don’t mind me, just having the typical argument with a vending machine.”
“Ah,” Pippa said. “Yeah, I find myself in a similar position on a monthly basis.”
I laughed again, unable to stop it, and then tears started running down my cheeks. “Ugh, shit.”
Pippa crouched down in front of me. “You okay?”
“No, this mascara isn’t waterproof,” I mumbled, swiping furiously at my cheeks. “Make it stop, please.”
“Whoa.” Pippa grabbed my cheeks, laughing a little. Looking at me as water cascaded down my face, tickling my lips and chin, she murmured, “Come on.”
Pulling me off the ground, she steered me out the back entrance of the cafeteria and into the fading sunlight.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I kept my head down and tried to blink away the tears.
“You’ll see. I don’t know what’s going on,” she said, once we’d left campus and were crossing the street, “but maybe it’ll help if you tell me.”
My heart almost climbed out of my mouth when I saw the apartment building we were headed toward, but then Pippa directed me inside an older building next door. It was smaller and had no elevator, but after climbing two sets of stairs and being led inside, I realized why I hadn’t seen her around the girl’s dorms lately.
She had her own place.
It wasn’t huge, but the living area was spacious, the late glow of the sun streaming inside and bouncing off the white walls and old, comfortable looking couches.
“Sit,” she said, leaving me to fall onto one of said couches as she left the room.
I stared at the small flat-screen TV, glad that my reflection couldn’t be made out. My cheeks felt sticky, my heartrate was taking forever to slow, and my nose was stuffed.
Pippa returned with a
tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a box of tissues. “Here.” She dumped them onto the small wooden coffee table in front of me, then went to the matching TV unit and opened a drawer, plucking out a DVD a moment later.
I leaned forward, pulling a handful of tissues free from the box and checking the ice-cream flavor as I blew my nose. Loudly and uncaring. It was mint. “Don’t you ever get sick of ice cream?”
Pippa straightened, tossing the DVD case on the TV unit before dumping herself onto the other side of the couch. “Funnily enough, nope.” She flicked through the channels until the opening credits started. “Callum?” She tossed the remote and looked over at me.
I nodded. “Among other things.”
Pippa’s gaze burned into my profile as I stared at the screen. “Finally caught up with you, huh?”
“I guess so,” I said, biting my trembling lip as my eyes shut over more looming tears.
“Jesus Christ, let it out.” Pippa pulled me to her. “Let it out and then let Noah make you feel better.”
“Noah?” I asked, sniffling.
“Dear God, you’ve never watched The Notebook?”
When I didn’t say anything, she mumbled, “Oh, man. You are going to feel like a brand-new woman after this.”
“Wow,” I breathed.
“Yup.”
I slapped my cheeks. “Like, wow.”
“Yup,” Pippa repeated.
“I’ve used all your tissues,” I said, eying the pile around me.
Pippa laughed. “Feel a bit better?”
I gave her a cautious look. “If I say yes, will you kick me out?”
She laughed again, then got up to get her ringing phone. “Toby,” she said to me. “I’ll be back in a second.”
I started gathering the clumps of tissues surrounding me, getting up to toss them into the small trash can I found beneath the kitchen sink. While I waited for Pippa to finish on the phone, I looked around.