by Andy Rooney
—It’s a good thing we can take as much pleasure from oldness as newness because, for the most part, we have to live with more oldness.
—It isn’t working that’s so hard, it’s getting ready to work.
—Being broke is a terrible feeling but it’s probably an experience everyone ought to have once in a lifetime.
—There are idiots who will buy anything as long as it costs enough.
—I had all of my accidents when I was driving carefully.
—The thing that keeps most of us from feeling terrible about our limited intellect is some small part of our personality or character that makes us different.
—You don’t have to say everything to a friend for both of you to understand what you mean.
—I like animals who trust people.
—No machine can help anyone write.
—If I reach into my pocket to pay for something and pull out a handful of change that turns out to be mostly pennies, I get discouraged about life.
—Soothing music sets my nerves on edge.
—There’s nothing that keeps you in touch with supply and demand and the sensitive balance of our earth better than knowing firsthand that there’s a limit to how much you can take out and how much you can dump back into it.
—Travel is an escape from all your pressing problems. That’s why we’re so willing to give it our complete attention.
—I prefer cigarette smoke to perfume.
—My idea of heaven would be to die and awaken in a place that has all my lost things.
—Too many people get stuck doing the same dull thing all their lives without ever finding out whether they have the ability to do something else.
—One of the healthiest things for any community is a post office where everyone comes to pick up the mail.
—What I want, if any of you medical scientists are reading this, is a small pill that can be taken once a day before dinner, with a martini, that will cure anything I already have and prevent anything I might catch in the future.
—There’s nothing more satisfying than getting mad.
—There’s nothing much worse than lying awake in the middle of the night, staring at your life.
—I have never met a cat I liked.
—America’s contribution to mankind has been the invention of mass production.
—Everyone should think twice before making a noise.
—There are some ideas I stick with even though I’m vaguely aware that I may be wrong.
—I’d like to put an end to all tipping but I don’t dare start the movement myself.
—There are a few moments in our lives that should be preserved for ourselves alone, and breakfast is one of them.
—I’d prefer than no one put flowers on my grave if I have one. I don’t like the idea of flowers dying on top of me.
—Trying to get an electrical appliance fixed is harder than trying to get a brick laid.
—The only time I feel in control of my life is when I am sitting at my typewriter—computer now—typing.
—The best smiles come unbidden.
—Barns age more gracefully than most buildings and certainly more gracefully than people.
—Loyalty is an admirable trait even when a person is loyal to something that doesn’t deserve it.
—Because I’m such a bad businessman, I tend to distrust good ones.
—I am unnecessarily wary of any man who carries a fountain pen in his inside coat pocket.
—I like guests who don’t want to do what I want to do but feel free to wander off on their own.
—Most time passes when we aren’t watching.
Holding great-grandchildren Liza (left) and Drew Fishel, May 2009
Credits
Drafted and Meeting Marge were previously published in My War (New York: PublicAffairs, 2000).
Places of Business was previously published in The Story of the Stars and Stripes (with Bud Hutton; New York: Farrar & Rinehart, 1946).
Combat was previously published in Air Gunner (New York: Farrar & Rinehart, 1944).
Chairs, Mr. Rooney Goes to Dinner, In Praise of New York, and An Essay on War were previously published in A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney (New York: Atheneum, 1981).
Introducing Andy Rooney; Big Business; Fired; Life, Long and Short; Trust; Morning People and Night People; On Conservation; Design; Quality?; Loyalty; Home; Mother, Christmas Trees; Ice Cream, The Andy Rooney Upside-Down Diet; Waiting, Hot Weather; Neat People; and Rules of Life were previously published in And More by Andy Rooney (New York: Atheneum, 1982).
An Interview with Andy Rooney, There is No Secret, Journalist’s Code of Ethics, Procrastination, Broke, A Cash Standard, The Sweet Spot in Time, Intelligence, Directions, Struck by the Christmas Lull, A Nest to Come Home To, A Trip to the Dump, Wastebaskets, Driving, and Dislikes were previously published in Pieces of My Mind (New York: Atheneum, 1984).
Sartorial Shortcomings; A World-Class Saver; It’s a Writer Who Makes a Fool of Himself; Savings; Being With People, Being Without; Finding the Balance; The Glories of Maturity; The Quality of Mercy; Real Real Estate; Grandfatherhood; Napping; Wood; Thin for Christmas; The Urge to Eat; Thanks, Pal; and The White House? No,
286 Credits
Thank You were previously published in Word for Word (New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1984).
Born to Lose; Signed by Hand; An Appreciative Husband’s Gratitude; An All-American Drive; Frank Sinatra, Boy and Man; Surrendering to Paris; The Following Things Are True, and The Following Things Are True About Sports were previously published in Sweet and Sour (New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 1992)
My Name’s Been Stolen, A Report on Reporting, The Sound of Silence, The Agony of Flight, and The More You Eat were previously published in Out of My Mind (New York: PublicAffairs, 2006).
The Truth About Lying, Vacation, The Flat Earth in Kansas, and “Happy Holiday” Doesn’t Do It were previously published in Common Nonsense (New York: PublicAffairs, 2002).
Where Are All the Plumbers?, My House Runneth Over, Lonnie, and Ninety-Nine Opinions I’m Stuck With were previously published in Not That You Asked . . . (New York: Random House, 1989).
Oh, What a Lovely Game was previously published in Super Bowl magazine, (Super Bowl XXVI, Los Angeles: National Football League Properties, 1992).
Sodium-Restricted Diet, E. B. White, and Harry Reasoner were previously published in Years of Minutes (New York: PublicAffairs, 2003).
The Godfrey You Don’t Know was previously published in Look magazine (December 22, 1959).
Known to millions for his regular commentary on the television news magazine 60 Minutes and for his nationally syndicated newspaper column, Andrew A. Rooney is the author of numerous best-selling books. He lives in New York.
PublicAffairs is a publishing house founded in 1997. It is a tribute to the standards, values, and flair of three persons who have served as mentors to countless reporters, writers, editors, and book people of all kinds, including me.
I. F. Stone, proprietor of I. F. Stone’s Weekly, combined a commitment to the First Amendment with entrepreneurial zeal and reporting skill and became one of the great independent journalists in American history. At the age of eighty, Izzy published The Trial of Socrates, which was a national bestseller. He wrote the book after he taught himself ancient Greek.
B enjamin C. Bradlee was for nearly thirty years the charismatic editorial leader of The Washington Post. It was Ben who gave the Post the range and courage to pursue such historic issues as Watergate. He supported his reporters with a tenacity that made them fearless and it is no accident that so many became authors of influential, best-selling books.
R obert L. Bernstein, the chief executive of Random House for more than a quarter century, guided one of the nation’s premier publishing houses. Bob was personally responsible for many books of political dissent and argument that challenged tyranny around the globe. He is also the founder and longtime chair of Human Rights Watch, one o
f the most respected human rights organizations in the world.
• • •
For fifty years, the banner of Public Affairs Press was carried by its owner Morris B. Schnapper, who published Gandhi, Nasser, Toynbee, Truman, and about 1,500 other authors. In 1983, Schnapper was described by The Washington Post as “a redoubtable gadfly.” His legacy will endure in the books to come.
Peter Osnos, Founder and Editor-at-Large
Table of Contents
Part I: The Beginnings of a Writing Life 1
Drafted, 3
Meeting Marge, 15
A Missive to Marge from England, 19
Places of Business, 22
Combat, 34
Part II: Mr. Rooney Goes to Work 49
Chairs, 51
Mr. Rooney Goes to Dinner, 59
In Praise of New York City, 76
An Essay on War, 84
Part III: A Few Decades with Andy Rooney 91
The Man Behind the Desk 93
Introducing Andy Rooney, 93
An Interview with Andy Rooney, 95
Sartorial Shortcomings, 97
A World-Class Saver, 99
Born to Lose, 102
My Name’s Been Stolen, 104
On Writing 106
There Is No Secret, 106
It’s a Writer Who Makes a Fool of Himself, 108
The Journalist’s Code of Ethics, 110
A Report on Reporting, 113
Big Business, 115
On Work and Money 118
Procrastination, 118
Fired, 121
Broke, 122
A Cash Standard, 125
Savings, 127
The Art of Living 129
Being With People, Being Without, 129
Finding the Balance, 130
The Truth About Lying, 132
The Sweet Spot in Time, 134
Life, Long and Short, 136
The Glories of Maturity, 138
Plain-Spoken Wisdom 141
Trust, 141
Intelligence, 143
Directions, 145
The Quality of Mercy, 147
Morning People and Night People, 149
The Sound of Silence, 151
The Search for Quality 153
Where Are All the Plumbers? 153
On Conservation, 155
Design, 157
Quality? 159