by Paul Langan
“Jealous?!” Darcy exclaimed. She couldn’t believe her ears.
“Think about it, Darce. Your boyfriend’s gone. I’ve got Duane, and as sorry as it seems, even Tarah’s got a boyfriend. The only one who doesn’t is you, and you can’t stand it. ”
“Girl, you are so wrong,” Darcy said, trying to keep her cool. “What I’m tryin’ to say is that Duane doesn’t seem right. ”
“Don’t even start with me, Darcy,” Brisana said, shaking her head as if what she heard disgusted her. “I can’t even believe you’re talking to me like this. For once, I have someone that makes me feel good, and all you wanna do is mess it up. I don’t even want to talk about this. ”
“Brisana, I’m not trying to mess anything up. I just don’t want you to rush things. You know, just slow down,” Darcy said.
Brisana sighed and looked at the bathing suit thoughtfully. “You know what Duane said to me? He told me he loved me. We were at the beach in his car, and he looked at me with his dark eyes and said it. I didn’t know what to say. ”
Looking at her, Darcy knew Brisana meant every word she said. But, at the same time, Darcy doubted that Duane’s words were sincere.
“He’s movin’ kinda fast. Don’t you think?”
“Look, Darcy, I know he’s not perfect. But he says he loves me, and he takes me out. We have a good time together. What’s wrong with that?”
“What do you mean he’s not perfect?” Darcy said, remembering how Cindy, Jamee’s friend, once said similar words about a boy who nearly beat her up one night.
“See. There you go again,” Brisana said rolling her eyes. “Let’s just drop it, okay. ”
“Are you going to purchase that?” interrupted the saleswoman from behind the cash register. The voice startled Darcy, but Brisana didn’t even flinch.
“Yeah, I’ll take it,” she said, handing over the bikini. “That’s just what I need. ”
The woman smiled and rang up the bathing suit as Darcy turned away, unsure of what to do next. Tarah was right. Brisana was not going to listen.
Chapter 5
On the way out of the mall, Darcy passed the food court where the guy had yelled out to her. He was gone, but her palms still got cold and clammy, and she felt a tremor when she walked by where he had been sitting.
“He’s gone, Darcy. Relax. I know who you’re looking for,” Brisana said.
“I’m not looking for anyone,” Darcy lied. She was still alarmed at how nervous she felt. Never had a trip to the mall bothered her so much.
“Mmm hmm,” Brisana said, peering into her shopping bag as they walked to the bus stop. “I really hope Duane likes this. ”
Darcy ignored Brisana and boarded the bus, wondering what was wrong. Normally, she could talk to Grandma or to Hakeem when she had a problem, but now she had no one around to listen to her.
There was always Tarah, but Darcy didn’t even know what to say to her. Everything she could think of sounded crazy.
Yeah, I am having these bad dreams. I’m not sleeping, and some guy talking to me at the mall almost made me flip out. What kind of problem was that, Darcy thought. It almost sounded silly. She knew other people who dealt with far worse problems every day. Still, she could not ignore what was happening, and Darcy knew it had everything to do with Brian. If only she could take that time back, rewind it somehow like a movie and skip it altogether. But Darcy knew that couldn’t happen, that the incident had changed her.
The bus slowly returned to the neighborhood, and Darcy walked with Brisana to the end of the block where they had to split up. Brisana seemed eager to leave, checking her watch twice and picking up speed as they walked.
“I gotta go, Darcy. I want to get ready for Duane. ”
Darcy shrugged her shoulders. It was almost 4:00. Brisana had plenty of time to get ready for her date with Duane, Darcy thought. She knew there was no point trying to change Brisana’s mind. “Have fun,” she said. “And be careful. ”
“Yeah okay,” Brisana replied automatically. Darcy could tell by her tone that she was not listening. Her mind was already looking ahead.
“Call me. Maybe we can go out again or something. ”
“Bye,” Brisana replied, moving quickly down the street.
Darcy turned and started walking home, wondering if maybe she should talk to her parents about what happened to her at the mall.
“How are we gonna afford things if you’re not working?” Mom yelled as Darcy walked in the front door. She was talking to Dad, who sat on the living room couch massaging his temples.
“I wasn’t fired. They just cut my hours, that’s all,” he explained.
“Yeah, well, that’s not good enough, Carl, and you know it,” Mom said. Her forehead, creased from worry, looked like the old wrinkled curtains in Grandma’s room. She clutched a tissue in her hand, which she occasionally brought to her eyes.
“What happened?” Darcy asked.
“Nothing, baby. Don’t worry about it,” Dad said, scratching his chin, staring down at the floor as if his eyes were seeing more than the faded gray carpet.
The room was suddenly quiet, and Darcy turned to her mother, who was wiping her eyes. “Will someone tell me what happened?”
Darcy’s mother took a deep breath. “Business at the store where your father works is slow. The company’s reducing everyone’s hours. Now he’s going to be working part-time instead of full-time,” Mom explained, as if she was reporting a crime to Darcy.
“That’s not so bad, right?” Darcy asked, remembering how the whole family used to live on Mom’s income alone. “I mean we were okay for a long time when Dad wasn’t around, so we should be okay now,” Darcy said.
Mom turned away as if what Darcy said bothered her. On the other side of the room, Dad slowly rubbed his forehead, his face in an expression of pain. Darcy knew it hurt him to hear how much the family struggled when he left.
“I’ll just get another job. It wouldn’t be the first time I had two jobs. ”
“You know it’s not that easy, Carl. Lots of people are out of work right now, and you’re not a twenty-five-year-old man anymore. ”
“I’ll find something. Even if I have to wash dishes, I’ll do it,” Dad insisted.
“If we have to, maybe we should go back to the apartment or something. It wasn’t that bad. Jamie and I can work too,” Darcy suggested. She meant every word. When Dad left years ago, Mom moved the entire family into a rundown apartment building to save money. Almost immediately, Grandma moved in and helped with everything until her first stroke. Then Darcy and Jamee took care of her while Mom worked.
They had lived in the apartment until Dad returned and convinced them to move into a small house several blocks away. Darcy remembered the day he and Mom announced that they were going to try to give their broken marriage a second chance. It was like a storybook fantasy when Dad showed them the new house. Mom had cried and almost refused to believe it was real. But then, days later, they moved in, and everything seemed perfect until Grandma’s health declined. She passed away in the bedroom next to Darcy’s room. Now, it seemed the rest of the fantasy was coming apart.
“No, you’re not going back to the apartment,” Dad grumbled.
“How do you know, Carl? At least Darcy is being realistic. That’s more than I hear from you,” Mom said, her voice charged with resentment.
Dad stood up abruptly and walked toward the door. “I need to take a walk,” he said.
“That’s not gonna help anything,” Mom snapped.
“Mom, it’s not Dad’s fault that business is slow,” Darcy said.
Her mother ignored her comment and watched as Dad opened the door.
“I’ll be back,” he said and walked out.
“You better be,” Mom mumbled, quietly blowing her nose. A single tear snaked down her face.
Darcy knew Mom was thinking about the time Dad left for good. So was Darcy. She could not believe what was happening. It was as if her entire world was unra
veling, and she was powerless to stop it. Across from her, Mom sighed, closed her eyes, and leaned back in her chair.
Suddenly, the front door opened and Jamee rushed into the living room. “Hey, where’s Dad going? I saw him outside walking down the street like he was in a daze or something. He didn’t even hear me calling him. ”
Darcy watched as her mother got up without a word and trudged down the hallway into her bedroom.
“He went for a walk, Jamee,” Darcy said.
“A walk?” Jamee asked, watching her mother close the bedroom door. “What’s wrong? Why is everyone acting so strange?”
Darcy wanted to get up and go to her room too. She didn’t feel like discussing everything with her sister, but Jamee looked worried. She deserved an explanation.
“Mom’s upset ’cause Dad sort of got laid off. He’s going to be working only part-time from now on. ”
Jamee was quiet for a second. Darcy knew she was thinking about what she said.
“Why’s she so upset about that?” Jamee asked finally, as if what Darcy described made no sense. “I mean, we were okay when Dad wasn’t even here. So even if he only works part-time, that’s still better than how things were before. ”
Darcy knew Jamee was right. Mom seemed too upset. Like the real reason for her tears was not about Dad’s job, but something else. Something bigger.
“That’s what I said, but she didn’t want to hear that,” Darcy admitted, remembering what she had heard when she listened to her parents talking in the bedroom. “I’m telling you, it’s like I said last night. Something’s wrong, and I know it doesn’t have anything to do with Dad’s work ’cause Mom was upset before she even heard the news. ”
“Whatever,” Jamee sighed. Without another word, she sat on the couch, grabbed the remote control, and clicked on the TV. For several minutes, the two were quiet, and Jamee flipped the stations rapidly, not stopping long enough to even see what was on. It was the way Jamee dealt with problems. Don’t stop. Don’t think. Just keep moving so you don’t get hurt or feel pain.
Though her sister always tried to hide it, Darcy could see that Jamee was upset. It was on her face and in her eyes. Finally, she turned the TV on to Diva Challenge, a program where teenaged girls compete in a talent show. Darcy watched as a heavy-set girl sang an old love song.
And I will always love you, the singer sang over and over again.
The girl’s voice was thin and tinny, and the song annoyed Darcy. It seemed to mock her mood. But to Darcy’s surprise, it didn’t bother Jamee, who turned the volume up slightly. They watched the performance without speaking.
“Do you think this song’s real?” Jamee asked suddenly, the tone of her voice making her seem much younger than her fourteen years.
“What kinda question is that?” Darcy asked, unsure what her sister was getting at.
“I know it sounds corny, but do you think you always love a person? Like if a boy tells you he loves you, do you think he always will, or is it something he’s just saying?”
Darcy’s mind spun. It was that word again. Love. The same word that Brisana mentioned when she talked about Duane. Now her sister was saying it too. Darcy hated to think that Jamee was referring to her relationship with Desmond.
“I think it can be forever, but most of the time, it isn’t. Put it this way, if someone I’ve known for only a few weeks starts telling me he loves me, I’m not buyin’ it,” Darcy said, hoping her answer would help Jamee.
“But what about you and Hakeem? Did you two, you know, love each other?”
Darcy suddenly felt uncomfortable. She and Hakeem were different. They had been through so much together during the previous year. And even though they broke up, Darcy hadn’t fully let Hakeem go, though she never admitted it to anyone. Looking at her sister, Darcy feared an honest answer to Jamee’s question might confuse her. Yes, there was love in her relationship with Hakeem, but that didn’t mean it was there with Desmond. Darcy wrestled for the right words. On TV, the singer repeated the chorus even louder than before.
And I will always love you,
Will always love you . . .
“Jamee, what’s wrong with you? Why are you asking me questions like this?” she responded finally, hoping to find out what her sister really wanted to know.
Jamee clicked the TV off, sat up, and turned to Darcy, her eyes bright and intense, like two flashlights.
“Because I don’t know what to believe, Darcy,” Jamee said. “When Dez looks at me and says he loves me, that I’m his only girl, I want to believe him. When Dad tells me he loves me and he’s never gonna leave, I want to believe him too. But right now . . . ” she paused, her eyes beginning to glisten. “I just don’t know what to believe. ”
“Jamee, what Dad says and what Dez says are completely different,” Darcy said, but Jamee wasn’t listening. Without waiting for a reply, she jumped up, grabbed the cordless phone, and stormed into her room. Darcy leaned back in the living room chair where her grandmother used to sit. The chair was covered in a blanket Grandma had made years ago. Darcy wished she could talk to her again.
“Don’t worry, Angelcake. It’s all gonna be all right. You’ll see,” Grandma used to say, and somehow Darcy would feel better.
But Grandma was gone, and Darcy was in the living room alone.
Suddenly, the front door opened, and Dad walked back in. Darcy turned, curious to see if there was anything different about him. Part of her almost expected him to announce some horrible news.
“I’m leaving for good this time, Darcy. Take care of your Mom and sister,” she could hear his voice in her head as he stepped into the living room. He seemed to notice her watching him.
“What is it? Why are you staring at me like that?”
Darcy studied his face to see if she could find any evidence to support her fears. He looked tired, but sincere. She could see he had a lot on his mind, but he seemed genuinely concerned about her. Part of her wanted to tell him about her recent nightmares, the episode at the mall, her sleepless nights and panicky feelings. But she could not bring herself to say the words, especially not with everything else happening. Still, she had to say something about the uncomfortable tension which seemed to hang over in the house like some sort of curse.
“Dad, can we talk?” she said.
Dad nodded somberly and sat down on the couch across from Darcy. He took a deep breath, as if he expected bad news from her. “What’s on your mind?”
“You and Mom . . . are you guys okay?”
Her father rubbed his temples. “Yeah, we’re okay, Darcy. ”
“Then why are the two of you always upset, and how come Mom’s been crying so much?”
“Did you talk to her about it?”
“I tried, but all she says is that she’s tired. I know she’s not telling me everything. I’m not stupid,” Darcy said. “Are you guys having problems again?”
“Darcy, look, you’re just going to have to trust me on this. Your mother and I are dealing with a lot of stuff right now. But it’s not your fault, and there is nothing you can do about it. As soon as we’re ready, we’ll all sit down and talk with you and Jamee about it. But right now isn’t the time. ”
“But Dad—”
“Darcy, trust me. Right now this is between me and your mother. When it concerns you, we’ll tell you about it. ”
Without another word, Dad got up and headed down the hallway. A second later, Darcy heard the soft wooden thud of the bedroom door closing.
Unable to relax, Darcy walked into Grandma’s room and sat on the bed where her grandmother spent her last days. The room still smelled of lilac perfume, Grandma’s favorite scent. Mom had even left Grandma’s shawl on the rocking chair exactly where she used to keep it. Though it had been weeks, the room felt as if Grandma had been in it just minutes ago. Darcy could almost see the rocking chair moving, hear it creak under the weight of her grandmother.
“Don’t let any clouds steal your sunshine, Angelcake. ”
Darcy stretched on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Even though she was in the same house with the rest of her family, Darcy felt completely alone. It was as if something was driving them apart, making them put walls between themselves, preventing them from talking. Something secret.
“Please make it okay, Grandma,” Darcy prayed from Grandma’s bed.
As much as she tried to stay strong, Darcy could not shake the feeling that her family was sinking toward something bad, an unstoppable slide that could drive them apart forever.
Suddenly Darcy heard the sound of footsteps rushing down the hallway. She sat up in the bed nervously.
“Darcy?” Jamee called, her voice urgent. “Where are you?”
“I’m in Grandma’s room,” Darcy said, getting up from the bed, unsettled by the way Jamee was calling her. “What’s wrong?”
Jamee walked in and eyed Darcy strangely. “Nothing’s wrong. You got a phone call, that’s all. It’s someone special. ”
“Who is it?” Darcy asked, taking the phone from her sister.
“You’ll see,” Jamee said, leaving her.
“Hello?”
“Hey, girl, how are you? I miss you so much,” said a familiar voice.
Darcy felt as if her knees were about to give out. She put her hand against the nearest wall to steady herself.
It can’t be true, she thought. But her ears told her otherwise.
Chapter 6
It was Hakeem Randall.
“Hakeem! Oh my goodness! I can’t believe it’s you,” Darcy said. Her heart skipped a beat. She hadn’t spoken to him since her grandmother’s funeral, when he made a surprise trip from Detroit to be by her side.
“How is everyone back there? How are your parents?”
“They’re okay,” Darcy said, trying to sound upbeat. She wasn’t going to go into her family’s problems now, not with Hakeem paying for a long distance call. “How about your family? How’s your dad?”