by Toni Aleo
“I’m just so tired of this. I feel like such a failure. I can’t even do the one thing I was put on this earth to do. Procreate!”
“Pretty sure that’s not the only thing, Claire. I mean, look at what you’ve done for the kids at the dance studio, the shelter. For me. Claire, I would be lost without you.”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m bringing you down. I can’t even give you a baby, carry on your name or anything. I’m worthless.”
I close my eyes. Her words hurt. I grab her by her shoulders, whipping her around so our eyes meet. “Stop this right fucking now.”
“You don’t understand how I feel!”
“The fuck I don’t, Claire. I can’t get you pregnant—apparently the one thing you want more than anything! How the hell do you think that makes me feel?”
“It’s not only you,” she screams, her eyes wild. “It’s all me. They took your sperm, shoved it in my egg, and nothing. Fucking nothing! I don’t feel like a woman. I feel like a waste of space. I don’t even know why you’re staying with me.”
My eyes narrow into slits, and I know I should walk away. She’s not thinking; she’s just upset. I should let us both cool down, but I refuse to let her keep feeling that way. “So, you’re saying a waste of space completes me? That a waste of fucking space brings me more joy than a sheet of ice? That my day starts and ends with thoughts of you. I feel like a newlywed, Claire, because I love you so fucking much.”
“I don’t deserve it,” she mutters, shaking her head.
“You deserve it all,” I stress, squeezing her shoulders. “This waste of space you claim to be is about to be a mother to a kid whose parents do not want him. He is about to have a good life because you want him. He’s not even here, you’re not even growing him, and you love him. So, I’m sorry, but you’re not a fucking waste of space! This is a step backward in the baby-making department, but not in how much I love you or need you in my life, Claire. Not in how much River Phillip, or whatever the hell his name is going to be, needs you.”
Her lip quivers as a sob leaves her chest. “I don’t want to let you down.”
“You’re not,” I urge, taking her face in my hands. “The only way you let me down is by speaking of yourself like that. I love you. I love you so damn much. I don’t need anything but you. Kids are added bonuses ’cause I get to watch you be a mom and fall in love with you all over again.”
Her hand covers mine as I try to wipe her tears away. “I love you, Jude.”
I kiss her then. Hard and with all of myself as we cling to each other. As we part, I slide my nose along hers, kissing and moving my lips with hers. “I love you, Claire. We are okay. It’s not even a for-real negative.”
“The test says it can tell five days sooner.”
“The test is shit, and I don’t care what it says. Until the doctor tells me no, then I’m not going to stress. Wanna know why?”
“Why?”
“Because, in all honesty, it doesn’t matter. We tried again because we could. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, then we try again or find a surrogate. When you’re done with it all, then we’re done. But during all that time, we’ll be raising our son.”
Her eyes are swimming in tears as she nods. She swallows hard as she leans into me, kissing my top lip. “Okay.”
“Okay,” I agree as I kiss her once more, and then I hear her phone ringing. “Is that your phone?”
She lets me go to rush to it. “Tristan? Hey!” I watch as her eyes widen. “You’re at seven, and they just broke your water? Oh my God. We’re on the way.”
She hangs up the phone and then looks at me, fear, excitement, and nerves floating in her blue depths. “Tristan went in for a checkup and has apparently been contracting all night. She’s at seven. We gotta go.”
I feel a little dizzy. “Ten is when the baby comes?”
“Yup,” she says, grabbing the bag she’s packed for the baby. She looks back at me, her brows shooting up. “Let’s go.”
“Get our baby.”
Her eyes light up. “Yeah.”
She reaches for my hand, and I take hers.
And we leave to go meet our son.
When Claire opens the door and I see a screaming Tristan on the other side, my stomach drops. I thought this would go slowly, but apparently, from what Claire gathered on the way here, there wasn’t time for drugs, and Tristan is about to do this all natural. Not sure how I feel about that, but it isn’t my body or my choice. I just want her and the baby to be safe. From the sounds of it, I don’t know if that’s gonna happen.
God bless her, this must hurt, because her screaming is at a level I’ve never heard before. Claire rushes to Tristan’s side quickly as the nurse asks for our names and verifies who we are. As I get a name tag slapped on my shirt, I look around the room to find only staff, Tristan, and Claire. I was sort of hoping Tristan’s mom would have shown up, but Claire wasn’t really sure if Tristan had told her mom or not. Maybe she’s in the waiting room where our lawyer is waiting.
Holy shit. This is really happening.
Claire is on it, holding Tristan’s hand as I stand there like a complete idiot. Things are moving around me, they’re setting up a table, and there is a lot of talking around the screaming. Tristan looks terrified and sweaty. Claire is stunning and ready to take charge. Then there’s me, just standing here.
“Scoot to the edge of the table.”
Tristan does as the doctor asks, and I get one hell of a view of a vagina that is not my wife’s. I let out a little cry of distress before I rush to the other side of Tristan. “Just saw more of you than I wanted.”
“And I don’t even care,” she yells, and I nod as she suddenly takes my hand. “I don’t care what you see or feel. I need you to hold my hand.”
“Done.”
It all goes so damn fast. Everyone is moving, Tristan is screaming, Claire is a supportive rock star, and I feel lost. This woman isn’t my wife, and I feel awful for her. She’s all alone. She only has us, and she’s giving us her baby. Something clicks inside me, and I jump into action. I hold her leg, her hand, and tell her how strong she is. I thank her as the tears fall from her eyes, and then she starts to push.
“You’re doing so awesome, Tris. You’re almost there,” Claire urges, and when our eyes meet, my heart swells. She’s so excited. So beautiful. Jesus, I love her.
“You got this, Tristan. You’re kicking ass,” I cheer, and then I hear it.
The cry.
One from Tristan and then one from the bloody, wiggly little human she expelled from her body. The doctor holds up my son and shows us. Tears gather in my eyes as my body shakes with nerves. That’s my son. I look at Claire just as she looks at me, and soon, we’re both crying.
He’s perfect.
The doctor goes to lay him on Tristan’s chest, but she stops him. “No, his mom wants to do skin-to-skin.”
His mom.
I’m his dad.
The doctor doesn’t miss a beat and nods before I’m handed some scissors. Through tears, I cut the cord, and when I look at Claire, she’s taking off her shirt with no cares in the world. They wipe him down and then hand him to Claire, his face resting against her chest as he cries. I wasn’t so sure about this skin-to-skin thing, but Claire is all about it, and apparently it’s good since his cries are slowing down.
I walk around the bed to Claire, and I wrap my arms around her as we look down at him. We’re both sobbing messes, but even so, we have grins on our faces. His eyes are a dark brown with a head full of dark brown hair. From what Tristan said, his birth father is of Latin American descent. Our boy’s got olive skin and is freaking adorable. Chunky little thing. I move my finger along his cheek, and one thing is for sure.
I’m completely in love with him.
Claire looks up at me, and her beautiful blue eyes glisten with tears. To see her there, holding a baby and looking like she’s won the lottery, I just knew it. I lean into her, and I kiss her forehe
ad.
“Told ya.”
She brings in her brows. “What?”
“I told you I would fall all over again for you.”
A wide grin comes over her face, and then our lips meet.
Our son lets out a little cry, and I hold my family close to me.
In an instant, I know what completion feels like.
Our Angel
Claire
He’s absolutely perfect.
He has the longest brown lashes I have ever seen. His dark brown eyes are beautiful against his olive skin. He’s got an adorable little button nose and thick pink lips that I know he inherited from Tristan. My heart is full and soaring in my chest as I gaze down at him, moving my fingers along his cherubic cheeks. Everything from before—the negative pregnancy test, the stress of not giving Jude a baby—all of it doesn’t matter. It’s a distant thought because I am in love with my son.
Our son.
I gaze up at Jude as he looks down at our baby lovingly. Boy, do I love this man. He is so strong. Such a pillar in my life. I don’t know what I would do without him. Sometimes I start to feel worthless, but I know I’m not every time our eyes meet. He loves me unconditionally. I reach up a hand, cupping his jaw that is dusted with hair, as our eyes meet.
“I love you.”
His eyes darken, and he leans his temple into mine. “I love you.”
He kisses the side of my head and exhales. The doctors are cleaning up Tristan, and I want to be with her, support her, but I don’t want to let this perfect boy go. I hold the baby close as I look over at her. “You okay?”
She gives me a thumbs-up. “Getting the placenta out. It’s the next part, according to that stupid book you bought me. You happy?”
“Beyond.”
She has tears in her eyes as she nods. “Great. Skin-to-skin it up while I finish this.”
Jude chuckles softly. She’s a damn rock star. “Do you want to hold him?”
“Nope. Skin-to-skin, remember?”
Our eyes meet for a moment before she looks away, and I know that’s not it. It kills me that she doesn’t want to hold him, but he isn’t hers. He’s ours. I really thought her mom would show up, and it breaks my heart that she didn’t. Tristan could have used the support before we got here.
Jude moves his nose along my temple and says, “Name?”
I smile as I gaze down at the baby. “I don’t know that he is a River Phillip.”
Jude nods. “I was thinking the same.” He takes the baby’s hand, and his little fingers wrap around Jude’s. “I was always a fan of Harrison.”
“Oh, I did love Harrison.”
“Harry for short.”
“It’s so classic and adorable.”
“So,” he says slowly. “Harrison River Phillip Sinclair?”
I smile, loving it. “It’s a mouthful.”
“Yeah, but I think I love it.”
Tristan cries out a bit, and when I glance over to her, she’s giving us a thumbs-up. “I love it. Harrison. It’s good. Wholesome. He’ll be smart with that name.”
I shake my head as Jude laughs. I look down at my sweet Harrison and sigh. “Hello, Harrison. Mommy loves you so much.”
“So does Daddy,” Jude says then, and something inside me breaks. The waterworks start, and I hold Harrison closer to me. Jude wraps his arms around my waist, his hand coming to the back of Harrison’s head, and I close my eyes as the tears leak out. Jude leans into me, his lips at my ear. “Don’t you say you’re worthless ever again. We need you, all of you.”
I nod slowly as the tears drip off my chin. “Thank you. Really, Jude. For everything.”
He kisses my earlobe. “I married you for you. I love you because I want to. Nothing will ever change that, and don’t act like you haven’t been there for me through every injury, every stupid thing with my dad, or anything else that gets me upset. That’s what is so great about us. We’re a team.”
I turn my head so our eyes meet. “Now we have another teammate.”
His eyes are misty as he nods. “Yeah, and we always win, okay?” His voice is rough, gutting me as our lips meet. I never in my life thought I could feel such love, but I’m shaking with it. I’m overflowing with it. All my dreams are coming true in this little bundle of preciousness.
But even so, I’m worried for Tristan.
“I knew the kid was big. But nine pounds… Jeez, he’s made to be a hockey player, huh?”
I smile over at Tristan from where I am sending pictures to our family and updating my Instagram. They have taken Harrison for tests and to make sure he is totally okay. Of course, Jude isn’t leaving his side, and while I didn’t want to either, I knew I needed to talk to Tristan. “With a daddy like Jude, I’d say he’s destined.”
She nods as she brushes a curl out of her face. “That was awful, by the way. I don’t know if you want to do that.”
I cover her hand with mine. “My test came up negative today.”
She arches a brow. “I’m sorry. But there is still the blood test, right?”
I nod. “But I don’t feel confident about it.”
“I do,” she says, taking my hand with hers. “This will happen for you guys, and then I’ll come and tell you ‘I told you so. Shit hurts.’”
I laugh as I lace our fingers together. “Are you okay?”
“Well, my vagina still hurts, but yeah. I mean, I’m good. Tired.”
“Thank you, Tristan,” I say, my voice breaking. “I mean it. You have made all my dreams come true.”
She swallows hard as she nods. “I know, which is why this is so easy. He’s gonna be so much better off.”
“I will love him so damn much—”
“I know, Claire,” she says, cutting me off. “I know you’ll love him for both of us.”
My heart breaks. “So, you haven’t changed your mind about being in his life?”
She shakes her head, catching a tear with the back of her hand. “From afar. I don’t want to catch feelings for him when he isn’t mine. He’s yours.”
Tears start to fall down my cheeks. “I will always be here for you.”
She waves me off, a small laugh coming from her. “I know, Claire. Stop looking at me like I’m mental. I promise, I’m good. I also promise I’ll go to counseling. I swear to you, though—I want this. I want this for him, and for you and Jude.”
“Tristan?”
We both look to the door where a large guy is standing. He’s unsure of himself, but he locks eyes with Tristan. He’s tall, with olive skin, dark eyes, and thick black hair. My stomach drops as I stand, feeling the anxiety coming from Tristan.
“Ricky,” she gasps, sitting up and pulling the blanket over her body. “What are you doing here?”
He hooks his thumb behind him, and such rage fills me. This asshole put his hands on the angel who gave me my son. “I had to sign the papers. But before I did, I wanted to talk to you.”
My first instinct is to cuss him out, even yell and kick him out of the room, but Tristan’s hand stops me. “There is nothing to discuss. My lawyer spoke with you.”
“I know,” he says, and then he pauses. “Can I come in?”
No is what I’m thinking.
“No, you’re fine where you are,” she says, and I’m proud of this girl.
No, not girl—this badass woman.
“Okay,” he says softly, more unsure of himself. “What is it?”
“A boy,” she says quickly. He looks at me, but then he looks away very quickly since I’m glaring at him like he’s dog shit. “This is his mom.”
He looks down at the floor. “So, you don’t want to keep him?”
“No. He deserves parents who want him. Who can love and support him. We can’t do that, nor do I want to be attached to you.”
Ricky glances back at me. “Can I see him?”
“He’s in the nursery,” I say curtly. “My husband is there, and he doesn’t like you.”
“Why do you want to see h
im? He isn’t yours,” she snaps. “Just go sign the damn papers and leave him alone. Let him have a good life.”
He shakes his head before looking back at her. “I’m sorry, Tris. For everything.”
She takes in a deep breath, and her eyes start to fill with tears. “If you’re sorry, go sign the papers and leave all of us alone.”
Without another word, he turns and leaves the room. Once he’s gone, I wrap my arms around Tristan as she does the same to me. She sobs into my chest as I hold her, brushing her hair back as I wish her tears away. I hate him for what he did to her, but if he hadn’t been in her life, Harrison wouldn’t be here. “You are so strong.”
“I will never allow myself to be hurt by a man again. I have to be strong.”
“You are.”
She smiles as we part. “I learned it from you.”
My heart shatters in my chest as I gaze into her eyes. “I love you, Tristan, so much. Thank you for this. You are the angel in our life.”
She squeezes me. “No, Claire. You and Jude have been the angels in mine,” she says, pulling back. “Seriously, my life would be a mess without you two.”
“We love you,” I say, cupping her face.
Her eyes are swimming in tears, and they hurt me. I want to stay here in Minnesota and help her, be there for her, but I know she won’t let me. She’s strong, she’s independent, and she’s brilliant.
“I’m going to be okay.”
“I know,” I say, and I grin. “You were reading my mind, huh?”
She smiles back. “I know that look, that mothering, I have to help her look. I love it, and I swear it’s what assures me that Harrison needed you.”
My heart swells, almost knocking the breath out of me.
“I remember looking into your eyes and being like, ‘Man, this chick can do anything and save the world. She needs to be a mother.’ And now you are.”
I can’t breathe or even speak. I wrap my arms around her, and she hugs me tightly.