When he came back with the chocolate in hand, Hilde’s mouth watered. It was so hard to get these little indulgences nowadays. But Emma took it from his hands and melted it in a double-boiler. Soon the smell of melted chocolate filled the house and one by one, every family member showed up in the kitchen.
Emma poured the full-fat milk into the melted chocolate and whipped up a delicious chocolate pudding for their dessert. Then she put it in the pantry to cool down, locked the door, and hid the key in the pocket of her apron. “This is for tonight. Now, everyone get ready for mass.”
After church, Sophie jumped up and down. “Can we open gifts now?”
Everyone laughed and Carl chimed a tiny bell. The family gathered around the tree and opened their presents. Most of the gifts Hilde received were things for the unborn baby. Self-knitted onesies, diapers, a woolen blanket, and small boots to insulate tiny feet against the winter cold.
She thanked everyone before turning her attention to the large box Q had carried with them on the train. He’d been very secretive and had teased her about her curiosity.
“Open it, sister,” Sophie urged enthusiastically.
Hilde smiled and pulled back the wrapping around the box. When she opened it, she gasped in delight. Inside lay an expensive fur coat with a matching scarf and leather gloves.
“Let me help you try it on,” Q said, setting the box on the floor and pulling her to her feet. He retrieved the coat from the box and helped her slide her arms in, but with her bulging belly, it wouldn’t even come close to covering her.
Everyone laughed. “Your baby needs to come soon so you can enjoy your gift,” Julia said with a grin.
Hilde kissed Q. “Thank you. It’s so beautiful. And warm. I’ll wear it as soon as our child is born.”
The days wore on, and Hilde enjoyed the time with her sisters and – surprisingly – with Emma. The more time she spent with her step-mother, the more she came to like her.
***
Q enjoyed the downtime before he started work at Loewe in January 1940. He and Carl retreated frequently into the older man’s study to smoke a cigar or cigarette and discuss politics.
Q said, “I don’t buy into the official propaganda that the war will be over in no time at all.”
“But the conquest of Poland went so smoothly. Maybe Hitler will stop at that,” Carl argued.
“I doubt it. Not every country is going to fold like Poland did. And Hitler will only be satisfied when he’s conquered all of Europe.” And more.
Carl clenched his fist and raised it in the air. “I hate these damn Nazis! I feel so powerless. I wish there was something I could do.”
For a short moment, Q was tempted, but he bit his tongue. It was too dangerous to tell his father-in-law the truth about his new job. The small measure of satisfaction Carl would get from knowing wasn’t worth the risk of Q’s secret getting out. He changed the subject, “How does Sophie like school this year?”
“She hates it. Since the war started, the quality of instruction has declined rapidly. Most of the young teachers were drafted, leaving only the ones nearing retirement.”
“And Julia?” Q inquired.
Carl looked angry and then resigned. “She started Reichsarbeitsdienst this summer. She says she wasn’t meant to become a farmer, but what can she or I do? She’ll be there for a year…maybe the hard work will be good for her.”
Q highly doubted that, but he held his tongue.
The discussion turned to their planned travel to America. “How did your cousin take the notice that you couldn’t come to visit?” Carl asked.
“She was disappointed, as we were. But in hindsight, I can see that if we had journeyed to America to visit Fanny, we wouldn’t have come back because of the war breaking out.”
He and Hilde had discussed this fact many times. They would have lost all ability to communicate with their families – and to return home. “It seems the Gods had different plans for us.”
Carl picked up the unexplained statement and asked, “Plans?”
Q glanced at his father-in-law but laughed it off. “Just a figure of speech, Carl.”
Chapter 21
Hilde looked down at the baby in her arms with wonder in her eyes. She’d given birth to a bouncing baby boy several hours earlier, and like all mothers, she was filled with joy.
“What shall we name him?” she asked Q, who sat beside her on the bed. “We discussed several names, but I still like Volker.”
Hilde smiled and nodded. “I like that name as well.” She looked down at the tiny infant and ran a finger down his cheek. “Do you like that name, little one? Volker? It is yours.”
The bell rang, and Q got up to open the door for the visitors. Hilde heard muffled voices and footsteps growing louder. Then a happy voice called from the doorway. “Knock, knock.”
Hilde looked up to see her friends, Gertrud and Erika. “Come in and meet Volker.”
Gertrud leaned over with her huge belly and hugged Hilde. “He’s perfect,” she said and added, “I’m so envious. I have another eight weeks to go.”
“Time passes quickly. You’ll see,” Hilde assured her friend.
Then it was Erika’s turn to hug the freshly-baked mum and her baby. “Congratulations. You’re not going back to work anytime soon, are you?” she asked.
Hilde shook her head. “No, I don’t want to go back to work for at least a year. I don’t trust anyone to care for my pumpkin.”
“Good. You need to have another child soon for the Führer. My husband and I are already planning on a third one.”
Hilde shivered. God help me if I produce children for the Führer.
Erika had been completely taken in by the Nazis since she married a dashing young SS-Officer. Reiner Huber, son of the well-known SS-Obersturmbannführer Wolfgang Huber. Their wedding one year ago had made the gossip columns, and Hitler himself had sent his congratulations.
“You should have named him Adolf. That would have been an honorable name.” Erika continued, and Hilde exchanged an eye roll with Gertrud. Erika’s love for everything Nazi bordered on ridiculous. She even named her three-month-old twins Adolfine and Germania.
Hilde hid her face and turned her attention back to Volker while Erika continued to praise the regime. “Have you heard about the Führer’s new plans to rid Germany of the inferior Jews and Eastern European races?”
Both Gertrud and Hilde groaned but didn’t dare interrupt Erika’s flow of words. Finally, Gertrud spoke up and reminded Erika that mother and son needed to rest.
When Q came back into the room, he saw the concern in her eyes. “What’s wrong, Liebling?”
“Nothing. It’s just…Erika. She used to be my best friend and now all she talks about is Nazi stuff. It saddens me.”
Q sat down on the bed and fondled her cheek. “Don’t feel guilty. You can’t do anything to change her mind.”
“I know.” Hilde sighed. “But she drains my energy. I’d rather not see her again.”
“Then don’t,” Q said.
If it was that easy.
A few days later, her mother and step-father visited. Annie showered her grandson with compliments. “Look how cute he is with his bright blue eyes and the light blond curls. He looks just like his father.” Then she leaned over to take Volker in his arms, but stopped midway, holding the baby with both hands into the air, as if offering him to someone.
Annie’s eyes took on a puzzled look in her struggle to figure out how to hold her newborn grandson.
“Mother, just hold him close. Support his head and don’t squeeze him too tightly,” Hilde suggested.
Annie attempted to follow Hilde’s instructions but was confronted with another problem: baby drool. She desperately tried to hold him close while at the same time keeping his mouth turned away from her immaculate white blouse.
She gave up after a few tries and handed him back to Hilde. “You hold the baby. I can appreciate him better from over here.”
H
ilde bit her tongue as the almost forgotten pain of being abandoned by her mother came rushing back and compressed her chest. Now that she was a mother herself, the mere thought of giving her child to someone else stabbed her heart.
“Well, you should both get some rest,” Annie said only a few minutes after her arrival. “We’ll see you both later.”
Later that day, when she told Q about her visitors, Q chuckled. “That’s just like Annie. I guess she’ll never change.”
They were sitting together on the couch, Q’s arm resting around her shoulders while Volker slept like an angel in his crib. Hilde sighed. “I wish Father and Emma could be here.”
“I know. But Hamburg is too far to travel for a quick visit. Especially with all the travel restrictions in place. But we can send them pictures.”
“Yes.” Hilde snuggled up against him. “You know, I can now see how good of a person Emma is. She’s done the best to be a mother to me, I just didn’t want to accept it back then.”
“Yes, Emma is a good person, and she’s done a good job raising you,” Q said, but Hilde had already dozed off in his arms. He carefully spread her out on the couch and covered her with a blanket.
She moved and murmured in her sleep, “I just wish my own mother was more like Emma.”
Chapter 22
As winter gave way to spring, and the time approached for them to apply for a green card again, Q and Hilde decided to forego it. Their place was in Germany.
Q had begun working at Loewe as head of production. From the first day on, he and Erhard had weekly meetings every Monday to discuss “quality control” of production. Usually, they conducted this meeting in Erhard’s office behind closed doors, but at times they had to inspect the production lines and the laboratories. At those times they talked in code.
Erhard would raise his eyebrows and mention that the defective goods rate was too high, and Q knew it was time to think of a way to raise it even further. If Erhard insisted he make sure certain spare parts arrived in time for a particular project, Q knew he was to delay the order and explain it away as a change in the technical requirements.
Soon enough, they ate lunch together and discussed all the world and his wife, but mostly politics. Q enjoyed those lunch breaks because Erhard was the only person – apart from his wife – with whom he could be candid. A refreshing change in an environment where he’d had to watch his every word for so many years and never voice his true opinions.
One day during their lunch break, Erhard said, “Q, we need more help.”
“Why? It would be an added risk.”
Erhard sighed. “The director called me into his office last night. He wants to promote me to his personal assistant starting next month.”
“Congratulations,” Q said with thinned lips, looking anything but pleased.
“I know, it’s less than ideal because I will be tied up with administrative tasks and can’t help much with our cause. But if I decline the offer, I will draw suspicion and might be of even less use.”
“Then I’ll do it alone,” Q said.
Erhard shook his head. “No. You can’t oversee everything on your own. And in many cases, you need a second signature for certain activities.”
“I can still get your signature,” Q stubbornly insisted. “Besides, we don’t know whom we can trust. It would put our entire cause at risk.”
“Dickhead,” Erhard murmured.
“I heard that!” Q growled, and Erhard sent him a crooked smile.
“Let’s give it a few more weeks and then discuss this again,” Erhard suggested.
“Very well. I’ll get these things taken care of.” Q packed up his empty lunch box and left the room.
***
Later that week, Q and Hilde took baby Volker to Q’s mother. At seventy-four years old, Ingrid had trouble walking and rarely left her apartment these days. But she loved Volker and the baby adored his grandma.
That night, she’d agreed to watch over the infant so Q and Hilde could go out with Q’s friends to the movies. Hilde fussed over Volker, distressed over the idea of leaving him for even a couple of hours.
Q and his mother exchanged looks behind her back and Ingrid said, “Hilde, sweetheart, it may have been a while, but I raised four children.”
“And she helped to raise my brother’s four children as well,” Q added.
Hilde reluctantly put Volker in Ingrid’s arms. “I know, but it’s the first time I’ve left him.”
Ingrid skillfully tugged Volker to her chest and smiled at Hilde. “You two go out and have fun. Volker and I will do the same.”
Q had already opened the door when Hilde turned again and gave Volker one last kiss on his head. “If he cries, he’s hungry. I have put a bottle of milk in the kitchen, and it needs to be heated. But not too hot. You have to measure the temperature against the skin on your wrist–”
Ingrid laughed. “Sweetie, you go and have fun. Volker will be just fine with me.” She cuddled his little hands. “Won’t you, little pumpkin?”
“Can we go now?” Q asked his wife and escorted her out of the tiny apartment and down the stairs. “We have to hurry or the movie will already have started.”
Leopold and his wife had already purchased their tickets and waited for them in the foyer.
“Here you are.” Leopold waved them over. “You’re late.”
Q looked at Hilde and grinned. “She couldn’t separate from Volker.”
Dörthe laughed. “Ours are two and four already, but I remember those times.” She put a hand on Hilde’s arm. “In a few months, you’ll be thrilled if you can leave him with his grandmother for some hours.”
Hilde tried to put on a brave face, but everyone could see she was still worried about her son.
“Let’s go inside,” Leopold suggested.
As always, the theatre was packed. Nowadays, there wasn’t much else to do for leisure. The popular movie Wunschkonzert, a love story with complications, had been Hilde’s choice, but Q didn’t mind.
Before the main movie was shown, they had to sit through several horrible propaganda films about the inferior race of the Jews.
“I’m sick and tired of being made to watch garbage like that,” Leopold complained as he bought soda for Hilde and wine for the others during the break.
“Those short films would be hilarious if it wasn’t so sad,” Q added.
Hilde nodded and softly stated, “When I was taking Volker for a promenade in his pram today, I saw two women wearing a yellow star. They looked so...despaired. Beyond hope.”
“All Jews must wear them now. It’s to single them out,” Leopold said with a firm nod of his head. “Has anyone heard from Jakob?”
Q and Hilde exchanged a sad glance and then Q explained, “Jakob was killed during Kristallnacht.”
“What? How did you find this out?” Leopold wanted to know, and Dörthe put a hand over her mouth.
“We were about to drive him to Hamburg Harbor. Instead, we found him dead at the bottom of the staircase of his parents’ house...” Q swallowed hard, blinking back the tears. “If you had seen the destruction…it made me ashamed to call myself a German.”
A few people passed behind them, and Leopold snapped at Q, “Watch your mouth!”
Q squinted his eyes at his friend. He thought Leopold was anti-Nazi. The bell rang, and they returned to their seats to watch the main film. As they prepared to bid each other goodnight after the movie, Leopold took him aside and said in a lowered voice, “There’s a compulsory service coming up very soon. They need more soldiers for the Wehrmacht.”
Q nodded. Something was in the air because the military contracts at Loewe had risen to a new level. “Thanks for the warning. I’m working with Loewe in a reserved position for important military projects.”
“And you enjoy your important work there?” Leopold asked, his eyes glaring daggers at Q.
“I do. It’s very rewarding.” Q opened his mouth to tell Leopold about his resistance work, or
the fact that sabotaging military production was how he was able to enjoy his job so much. But then closed it again. He and Leopold went back to high school, and he had trusted him completely – until about an hour ago.
Even if Leopold approved of his actions – which Q still believed his friend did – the knowledge might compromise Leopold’s safety. Or the safety of the employees at the paint factory he owned.
Chapter 23
As spring gave way to summer, baby Volker continued to grow, and each time Hilde looked at him, a surge of love rushed through her. But each time she looked at the baby, she also saw her two-year-old self.
The memory of how her own mother had left her at her grandmother’s house stabbed her heart. Hilde caressed Volker’s sleeping face – and saw herself screaming after her mother. “Don’t leave me alone. Come back.”
Nightmares had haunted her for years until she’d found tranquility in Q’s love, but now everything came rushing back with full force. She breathed through the pain and blinked away some tears as the doorbell rang.
“Mother, what are you doing here?” Hilde asked, the words coming out raw. It was as if her very thoughts had summoned her mind’s tormentor to her door.
Annie smiled and stepped inside. “I’ve come to see my grandson.”
“He’s taking a nap but should be waking up soon. Would you like a cup of ersatz coffee?”
Her mother grimaced. “Muckefuck? God, I have no idea how you can drink that stuff.”
“Nobody likes it, but it’s all you can get with the ration cards.”
Annie nodded sagely. “I’ll have tea then. Next time I will bring some real coffee for us.”
Hilde could only wonder how on earth her mother sourced real coffee. Probably some high-ranking admirers of her famous husband who showed their gratitude with small perks.
She led her mother to the sitting room and went to the kitchen to make tea for them both. She carefully carried the tray back to her mother.
Unyielding: Love and Resistance in WW2 Germany (World War II Trilogy) Page 11