From Within

by J. M. Walker

  “Tell me. Tell me you love me,” he demanded, loosening his hold on my mouth.

  “I love you. God, I love you more than anything,” I cried out, pushing my rear back against him. Meeting him thrust for thrust, I slammed back into him hard.

  “Fuck, Hope.” His hold on my waist tightened as he pushed into me as far as possible, my name leaving his lips on a roar. His release coated me, marking me. His hips slowed to a stop while he reined light pecks on the side of my neck. “I love you. I don’t deserve you but I fucking love you. Shit, Hope.” He released me completely and righted his pants before pulling me back into his arms.

  Inhaling a shaky breath, I wrapped myself around him, allowing him to lower me to the floor. “No more. This is it.”

  He nodded against the crook of my shoulder. “Take me to your meetings. I need something.” He leaned back and cupped my face. “I refuse to give up on us. I’m an asshole but I’m in love with you.”

  A lonely tear rolled down my cheek and I kissed him. “Promise me you won’t give in to the bottle. If I can do it, you can too. Please, Xander. Or else I’m done. I can’t be with someone who drinks and gets high all of the time. I’m tired.”

  Xander leaned his forehead against mine, holding my hands between us. “I had a dream you told me I was worthless. That I wouldn’t amount to anything and that you were glad your parents took you away.”

  “Yeah, well none of that is true,” I mumbled. “Promise me.”

  He hesitated. “I promise,” he said finally.

  “I know it’s hard. I crave a drink every damn day of my life.”

  “Did I set you back?” he asked, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

  “No. I set myself back.” I met his gaze. Brushing my fingers over his face, I traced his features. I never noticed before but his nose was a little crooked.

  “Caiden punched me years ago and broke my nose. That fucker may be smaller than me but he sure packs a hell of a punch.”

  I smiled and continued in my path of his beautiful features.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Engraining you into my mind so when we’re not together, I always have the image of you to keep me safe. To remind me I am loved. And to remind me we will get through whatever life throws at us.”

  His breath caught. “I don’t know how it’s even possible but I think I fell in love with you a little more.”

  Caiden

  FOR THE first time since telling Xander that I was falling in love with him, I knew that this was it. The point of no return. Whatever I thought I had with him was over. We were just friends. And that was it.

  As much as it hurt at first, I was fine with it. I got over it and moved on but a part of me felt that I didn’t deserve to.

  This moment was a test as I walked around Bee kneeling on the floor in front of me. Her eyes were down cast, her chin lowered. Her hands were palms up on her thighs. I knew I had to do something to get her to stay. I had to claim her. Make her mine.

  After kissing Xander, she never said a word. Never judged. Never even questioned why I did it. She just let me use her. The kiss, although desperate, had turned me on and I took it out on her body.

  Kneeling in front of Bee, I grabbed her hands, kissing each of her knuckles. “Look at me. Please.”

  She looked up at me through tear-soaked lashes.

  I had been expecting this. I could never ask her to shut off her feelings for me. It was an unrealistic demand but I did it anyways. “I’m sorry for everything.”

  “No, it’s fine.”

  “No.” I pinched her chin. “It’s not fine. I’m an asshole for thinking that you could go into this with an open mind. I told you that I was in love with another person and that I was dying of cancer. But yet, here you are. You’re here…with me.” My chest tightened. “Why?”

  She chewed her bottom lip but she shook her head.

  “Bee,” I said gently. “Talk to me.”

  At that point she threw herself in my arms, wrapping her warm body around mine.

  I returned the embrace, holding her tight against me. I was in love with her but I didn’t know how to say it. I needed her but I didn’t know what more I could do.

  Picking her up in my arms, I laid her on the bed and brushed my fingers down her cheek.

  “No toys. No controlling. I just want you tonight,” she said, softly, placing a soft peck on my mouth. “I have something to tell you first though.”

  ***

  (Xander)

  “You’re drawing again?”

  I glanced up at the sound of Hope’s voice and smiled, placing my pencil down on the paper before me. It had been something that helped relax me when I was a kid. The stroke of the pen, paint brush, pencil…didn’t matter to me as long as I could get an image from it. It had been years since I drew. After our moment in the basement, a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I found the urge to create.

  “Come with me,” I said, grabbing her hand.

  She slipped her fingers in mine and allowed me to lead her outside. “Are you going to draw me finally?” She kneeled on the grass, picking a dandelion from the ground.

  I smiled and placed a soft peck on her full lips. “Yes.”

  Her eyes welled and she let out a soft sigh.

  A long time ago, she asked me over and over to draw her but I never could. I always used the excuse that I couldn’t draw perfection. But I now knew it was because I was scared. If I drew her on paper, maybe she would leave me in real life. It was messed up and didn’t make sense but until now, I could never draw her.

  “Stay still, baby,” I said, lifting my pencil.

  “How do you want me to pose?” She folded her hands in her lap, crossing her legs in front of her.

  I smiled, looking up from my sketch pad. “Relax and act natural. Be yourself.”

  Her teeth grazed over her plump bottom lip, her hands fidgeting. Her gaze darted back and forth and every so often, a heavy sigh would leave her lips.

  I placed my pencil on the pad and reached for her hand.

  Hope slid her fingers between mine, brushing her thumb back and forth over my calloused palm.

  It had been two weeks since I had a drink. Two weeks since I promised Hope I wouldn’t have another drop. And I felt…if I was being honest, it fucking sucked. But she said I had control over my addiction when really, I didn’t. If I did, I would never have forced her to have a drink in the first place. I wouldn’t let my temper rear its ugly head and attack her when another man hit on her. “Lee has tried calling me,” I told her.

  “He always hit on me but never like that, Xander. It scared me.” She traced her finger over a small scar on the back of my hand.

  “I know,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry for how I reacted. I know that’s not enough but…I am sorry.” So fucking sorry.

  She nodded and lifted our joined hands. “These hands,” she grabbed my other one. “They have brought me so much pleasure,” she said, a smile spreading on her face. “They have also brought pain.” Her gaze met mine. “A little spanking every now and again is hot but don’t you dare ever hurt yourself again.”

  “I haven’t. I promise. And I never will again.” Self-inflicted abuse over the years was not by choice but by utter defeat. I knew now it was a way of me admitting I was finally giving up. Giving up control. But now? Now that Hope and I were making progress, I didn’t need to hurt myself. I didn’t need that twinge of pain that allowed me to feel something other than emptiness. I had her.

  Her small hands fit perfectly in mine, her teeth chewing her bottom lip as if she were remembering. A happy memory? A dream? Even a fantasy. If it involved me, I would make it come true. All of her dreams. All of her inhibitions. I would give her the sun, moon, and stars.

  “I don’t know why,” she said, releasing me and leaned back on her elbows. “But it makes me nervous that you’re drawing me.”

  I leaned against the leg of the patio table and put pencil to paper. “Y
ou’ve been wanting me to draw you for years.”

  She shrugged. “I know. It’s like…you’re stripping me bare. Like once the sketch is done, all of my secrets will be revealed.”

  “I already know your secrets, Hope. I know what you like. I know what you feel before you tell me. I sometimes even know what you’re thinking.”

  “How?” She raised an eyebrow. “How do you know?”

  I rose from the spot on the grass and held my hand out for her.

  She hesitated.

  “Come with me,” I pressed. “Please.”

  She let out a soft sigh before letting me help her up.

  We walked to the patio door and I pulled her in front of me. “What do you see?” I placed my hands on her shoulders, wrapping my fingers around the base of her throat.

  “Xander.” She frowned.

  “Tell me what you see.”

  She huffed. “I see Caiden and Bee sitting on the chair, talking.”

  “What else?”

  She thought a moment. “Happiness,” she finally said.

  A lump formed in my throat. She was right. Days had passed since Caiden told me the doctors couldn’t do anything for him. We hadn’t talked about it again but every day that came and left, I thanked God he was still with us.

  I watched as Caiden laughed at something Bee had said. His hand cupped the back of her neck possessively while she snuggled against him. He kissed her hand, letting his lips linger. I turned away, not wanting to impose any longer on the private moment they shared.

  “When I kissed him, I was expecting him to react differently,” I blurted.

  “What did he do?” Hope cupped my hands, leaning her head against my chest.

  “He…he kissed me back and then pushed me away.” As much as I thought I wanted it at the time, I was thankful he didn’t allow it to go any further.

  “Are you okay?”

  Moving back to the couch, I picked up the pad of paper, motioning for her to join me.

  “Xander?” She squeezed my arm gently.

  “We’re talking about me kissing someone else and you’re wondering if I’m okay.” I couldn’t believe her sometimes. After all of the shit I had put her through, she still surprised me every single day. Her love, her patience, her seeing me. Even her touching me, made me wonder if this was in fact a dream.

  “Of course.” She let out a sigh and curled her feet under her before continuing. “Could you ever see yourself being with Caiden? Even if you and I weren’t together. Could you date him, sleep with him, do everything that a couple does?”

  “No,” I answered without hesitating. “I kissed him…as a goodbye.”

  “I know. If he wouldn’t have pushed you away, would you have let it gone further?”

  I glanced at the patio door. “No. A part of me knew he would push me away. So I wasn’t worried.”

  Hope wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

  “He…he told me the cancer is back.”

  “I know.”

  My head whipped around. “You know?”

  “Well he never came out and told me but I had an idea.” She placed a soft peck on my mouth. “Don’t always assume the worst.”

  I looked away, guilt twisting at my gut.

  “Draw me.” She moved to the other end of the couch, stretching her legs out in front of her.

  Putting pencil to paper once again, I finally let the image of her beauty flow through my fingers. Every detail. Every curve. Every inch of her skin, covered the paper.

  She would ask me every so often to see the picture but I refused until it was done. “You can’t rush art,” I told her an hour into the sketch.

  She scoffed. “Please. I’m boring and plain. I’m wearing your t-shirt and sweatpants. I think you can rush it a little bit.”

  I stared at her. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

  “What? I’m stating the facts. My hair is too curly. My boobs are too small. My—”

  “Stop.” I held up my hand.

  “But—”

  “No.” I grabbed her feet, pulling her towards me. “Look at this.” I held the sketch out in front of her.

  Her eyes widened. “This is…it’s…”

  “You. This,” I pointed at the image. “Is you. I drew your curls. The way they fall around your face. Each tight strand grazing your shoulder every time you move. It makes me jealous because I want to touch your shoulder. I want to be a permanent mark on your body. I’m jealous of your fucking hair, Hope.” She opened her mouth to respond but I ignored her. This was it. I was laying it all out on the line. How I felt. What I saw. How I saw her. I tapped the face on the paper. “Your freckles. The smattering of dots that I need to kiss every time I’m near you. But I won’t for fear they would disappear.”

  Her cheeks reddened. “You rhymed.”

  A slow grin spread on my face. “I even captured the freckle right here,” I said, brushing my thumb along the small brown spot between her breasts.

  “I don’t like it,” she frowned, following my gaze.

  “I do.” I pulled her to my side, wrapping my arm around her middle. Linking our fingers, I kissed her knuckles. “I like everything about you. I also know you have a freckle right here.” I moved my hand between her legs, brushing a finger between the crease of her thigh and pussy. “And you sigh every time I kiss it.”

  Hope hugged my arm, leaning her head against the back of the couch. “You drew all of my imperfections.”

  “No.” I kissed her hair. “I drew all of your beauty.”

  Her breath caught. “What’s changed?” She grazed a finger down the image staring back at her.

  “You had patience. With me. Most women would have given up by now. But not you.”

  “I think I was born to love you.”

  My heart gave a start, my arm tightening around her waist. “The only thing I ever regret are the hurtful words I have said to you. If I could take them back, I would.”

  “I know.” Bending her knees, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her thigh. “Tell me what else you know about me.”

  Her husky voice made my dick twitch. And now that I was an honorable man, I appeased her request. For the moment. I would give her a taste. A hint of what was to come later. It had been hours since I felt her warmth but it felt like a lifetime.

  Cupping her jaw, I kissed the soft spot under her ear. “I love the way your body responds me. Your nipples pebble under my touch. Your pussy glistening, dripping with need for me.” I licked the shell of her ear. “I bet you’re wet right now.”

  Her full lips parted, her tongue peeking out to moisten her mouth. “Touch me. Please.”

  Inching a hand under the waist band of her pants, I brushed my fingers over her smooth mound. “I know you keep yourself bare for me.”

  “Always. Even before I came back.”

  “Did you think of me when you touched yourself?” I purred in her ear, slipping a finger lower between her legs.

  “Y-yes.” Her head tilted, her legs spreading wider. She cupped my hand and pushed it against herself, helping me thrust a finger inside of her. “Xander,” she moaned.

  “I love that you can’t get enough of me. That you’re so desperate for me, you have to take control.” I replaced a finger with two, thrusting them slow and deep inside of her wet body.

  She sighed, leaning against me and rocked her hips towards my hand. “I want you. God, I ache for you.”

  “How bad?” I sped up my hand, forcing her body to tremble and shake beside me.

  “Bad. Oh God,” she whimpered, moving to the rough thrusts of my fingers. “Xander. Shit.” She shook against me, chewing her bottom lip.

  “Harder, Hope. Show me how much you want me. How desperate you are to get me inside of you.” I nipped her ear. “Fuck my fingers.”

  “Please. I want to come with you inside me. God, Xander. Please. I’ll do anything.”

  Her rambling words set me off. Pushing her onto her back, I ripped her sweat
pants off of one leg and ground my hips against hers.

  She arched under me, cupping me over my jeans. “Please. I’m begging you.”

  I reached between us, ripped open my fly and growled when my dick came in contact with her heat. “Fuck, Hope. You’re so hot.”

  Hooking her legs around my waist, she pulled me towards her. “I need you,” she bit out through clenched teeth. “Now.”

  In one smooth thrust, I filled her.

  She sobbed out a cry, digging her heels into my ass.

  Brushing my nose along her neck, I inhaled, smelling her arousal and pleasure. This woman. This woman in my arms with me seated deep inside of her body, wanted me. Was desperate for me. Loved me.

  “Please. Move,” she begged, inching her hands under my t-shirt. Scratching her nails into my back, she tilted her hips, hinting.

  “It makes me hard, knowing you would do anything to get my cock inside of your body.” I pulled out and slammed back into her.

  Hope cried out, her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

  “It sets my blood on fire when you beg. My dick becomes so thick, all I can think about is taking you. In whatever way I want.”

  She panted, nodding at my words. “Yes. Please. Any way. I’ll take you in any way.”

  “Promise?” I gently nipped her jaw, licking the spot soon after.

  Her eyes heated, dilating to the point that all I saw were her pupils. “Oh. Yes.”

  “Fuck, I love you.” I crashed my mouth to hers at the same time I sped up my hips. Slamming into her body, I gave her what she needed, what she had so desperately begged for and took what I wanted in return. Her mind. Her body. Her soul. It was all mine. Every single inch of her. The air she breathed, was mine. The looks she gave, were mine.

  Linking our fingers, I kissed her knuckles before covering her mouth once again. I kissed her slow and deep while my body took control.

  Her pussy rippled, squeezing my dick in a vice-like grip, small moans of pleasure leaving her lips in the process.

  “Come for me, baby,” I coaxed, whispering in her ear. “Let me hear how good I make you feel. Coat my dick with your orgasm.”