by Matt Lucas
Much of this book was written late at night. I was filming full-time on Doctor Who as I was writing it. I’d get back to the flat in Cardiff around 7.30 p.m., have a bath, something to eat, look at my lines and then get stuck in. The peace and the solitude allowed me to focus.
When I told people I had a memoir coming out, some of them asked me who was going to be writing it. For better or for worse, I’ve written every word. It’s been hard working out how much to share. I have a sneaking feeling I might have said too much. Well, it’s done now.
Thank you for joining me. Let’s keep in touch.
Night night.
Matt x
Acknowledgements
First, thanks to you for reading it (or at least buying it). Or finding it, borrowing it or stealing it.
And then thanks to Jamie Byng for letting me write this book, to my editor Simon Thorogood for bountiful help and wisdom, to Andy Gotts for making me look a right nosh in the cover photo, to John Ainsworth for producing the audiobook and to everyone at Canongate.
Thanks to my assistant Emily Greaves, who I’ve already thanked at the beginning of the book and now I’m thanking her again.
Thanks to my agent Melanie Rockcliffe, Dylan Hearn and everyone at Troika Talent for nearly twenty years of supreme patience. You’re the best. Also thanks to Gary Farrow, Kevin McLaughlin and to Richard Weitz, Karina Manashil, Meredith Wechter and everyone at WME.
Thanks to Peter Capaldi, Pearl Mackie and the amazing crew of Doctor Who for putting up with me while I wrote this book, and thanks to the many wonderful people I’ve been lucky enough to have worked with – and who have supported me – over the years, including (in no particular order) Edgar Wright, Chris Niel, Samira Higham, Saurabh Kakkar, Ivor Dembina, David Arnold, Blur, Jay Hunt, Charlie Hanson, Joe Cole, Adam Tandy, David Foxxe, Rhys Thomas, Sacha Baron Cohen, Stuart Murphy, Russell T. Davies, Jon Plowman, Kevan Frost, Robert Popper, Mark Freeland, Paul Kaye, Gub Neal, Lucy Armitage, Ulrika Jonsson, Paul Jackson, Ian Stone, Jane Root, Lorraine Heggessey, Danny Cohen, Harry Hill, Julian Dutton, Ivor Benjamin, Will Self, Mark Gatiss, Samara Bay, Lee Ingleby, Bob Hoskins, Peter Kay, Craig and Charlie Reid, Daniel Kramer, Kenny MacDonald, David Schwimmer, Peter Knight, Brad Johnson, Gareth Carrivick, Charu Bala Chokshi, Richard Wilson, Johnny Vegas, Steve Hamilton Shaw, Cosmo Williams, Geoffrey Perkins, Ronnie Corbett, Jack Dee, Katy Secombe, Kevin Anderson, Paul Feig, Judd Apatow, Steve Furst, Joanne Condon, Leelo Ross, Phil McIntyre, Paul Roberts, Jeremy Sams, Jimmy Darmody, Jason Heyman, Michael Patrick Jann, Peter Principato, Jonas Akerlund, Rachel Talalay, Chris Millis, Steven Moffat, Cameron Mackintosh, Lisa Clark, Tim Burton, Bitter Ruin, Tom Baker, Dan McGrath, Anthony Head, Ruth Jones, Jean Ainslie and Samantha Power. Apologies to anyone I foolishly left out and also apologies to Gary Barlow, Barry Gibb, Steps – basically everyone we lampooned in Rock Profile – and very special apologies to Dennis Waterman, who deserved far better.
Special thanks to Vic Reeves, Bob Mortimer, Myfanwy Moore and Geoff Posner.
Even specialler thanks to David Walliams (without whom I would have been less than half as funny).
Thanks to my teachers Michael Cook, Janet Harrison and Liam Buckley.
Thanks to my dear friends, especially (but not only) Alex, Nick and Jenny, Ashley and Gemma, Ben and Nathan, Rebel, Florian, Benjamin the softball king, Roger, Vinh, Alex and Joe, Robert and Rosie, Ignacio, Jamie, Jeremy and Lauren, Ian, Kyle, Mike, Lukas, Craig and Rosie, Sarah, Tom, Pedro, Putner, Laurence, Belinda, Dorian, Kenny and Caroline, Nathan, Nickey, Tomas, Sultana and Steve, Robert and Mike, Dean and Tamara, Alfie and Sarah, JCM, Alex Macqueen, Georgia, Rikki and Monika, Rachel, Jonjo, Dom, Paul and Laurie, Alicia, Eli, Jordi, Scott and Barbara, Don and Gail, Ben and Emma, Chris, Lynn and John, Jan, Edna, David, Paul and Raimund, Darren, Andrew, Mark and Jason and anyone else who knows me.
Thank you to Mum, Ralph, Howard, Dad and Andie, Barbra, Darren, Robert, Dalia and Wendy and all my lovely family.
Up the Arsenal
And finally, thank you, Milo, and thank you, Hob.
I love you Pippi xxxx
Image Credits
While every effort has been made to contact copyright-holders of illustrations, the author and publishers would be grateful for information about any illustrations where they have been unable to trace them, and would be glad to make amendments to further editions.
p.3: Toby Morris; p.42: © tangerine; p.188: © Mirrorpix; p.204: © Fred Duval/FilmMagic/Getty Images; p.215: © The Mercury Phoenix Trust; p.216: ©Trevor Ray Hart Immediate Media; p.216: ©BBC Photo Library; p.228: © Dave Hogan/Getty Images Entertainment; p.228: © ShowBizIreland/Stringer/Getty Images Entertainment; p.228: © Dave Hogan/Getty Images Entertainment; p.243: Photograph courtesy of HBO®; p.244: Photograph courtesy of HBO®; p.281: © UPP/TopFoto.co.uk; p.281: © Pett Productions; p.310: © Benjamin Till
Endpapers (hardback edition only):
‘Matt Lucas as Don Lockwood’ © Joe Simpson joe-simpson.co.uk; © Pett Productions; © Cameron Mackintosh Ltd; © Alex Godfrey; © David Walliams; © tangerine; Small Apartments © 2012 Lazer Nitrate, LLC. All Rights Reserved; ©Admiralty/Wikimedia Commons; ©BBC Cymru Wales
Index
advertisements ref1
Aherne, Caroline ref1
Ainslie, Jean ref1
Akinade, Fisayo ref1
Albarn, Damon ref1, ref2
Albrecht, Chris ref1
Alice in Wonderland ref1
alopecia ref1
America ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Apatow, Judd ref1
Arsenal FC ref1, ref2
Atack, Tim ref1, ref2, ref3
Australia ref1
Aztec Club ref1
Baddiel, David ref1, ref2
BAFTAs ref1
Baker, Danny ref1
Baker, Tom ref1, ref2
baldness ref1
bar mitzvah ref1, ref2
Barlow, Gary ref1
Baron Cohen, Sacha ref1, ref2
Barrymore, Michael ref1
BBC One ref1, ref2
BBC Three ref1, ref2
BBC Two ref1, ref2
Beach, Jim ref1
Bendelack, Steve ref1
Big Night Out ref1
Bitty (character) ref1
Björk ref1
Blaker, Ashley ref1, ref2, ref3
and Little Britain ref1, ref2, ref3
and Pompidou ref1, ref2
Bloch, Andrew ref1, ref2, ref3
Blur ref1
Boe, Alfie ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Bonham Carter, Helena ref1, ref2
Boublil, Alain ref1
Bovril ref1
Bowery, Leigh ref1
Boy George ref1, ref2
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Brand, Russell ref1
Bridesmaids ref1, ref2, ref3
Bristol University ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Bros ref1
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bullying ref1
Burton, Tim ref1
Caan, James ref1
Capaldi, Peter ref1, ref2, ref3
Cavalli-Green, Lisa ref1
celebrities ref1
Chalke, Sarah ref1
Chas & Dave ref1
cheese ref1
Chelsea FC ref1, ref2
chips ref1
chocolate ref1
Chuck, Charlie ref1
Chumley, Sir Bernard (character) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Clark, Lisa ref1
class ref1
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Cohn, Ethan ref1
Cole, George ref1
Come Fly with Me ref1, ref2, ref3
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comedy circuit ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
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Comedy Store ref1, ref2, ref3
Comic Relief ref1, ref2
coming out ref1, ref2, ref3
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Craig, Kenny ref1
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crisps ref1
Crook, Dorian ref1, ref2, ref3
Crystal, Billy ref1, ref2, ref3
Davies, Greg ref1
Davies, Russell T. ref1, ref2
Davies, Will ref1
Dawes, Marjorie (character) ref1, ref2, ref3
De Vere, Bubbles (character) ref1, ref2
Dean, Letitia ref1
Dembina, Ivor ref1
Dennis, Hugh ref1
Depp, Johnny ref1
Dobson, Anita ref1
Doctor Who ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Doherty, Pete ref1
Dreamworks ref1, ref2
Dutton, Julian ref1, ref2
Eclair, Jenny ref1
Edinburgh Fringe Festival ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Edwards, Barry ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Edwards, Buster ref1
Edwards, Jeremy ref1
Elton, Ben ref1
Enfield, Harry ref1, ref2
fame ref1
family life ref1
Fast Show, The ref1, ref2
Feig, Paul ref1, ref2
Fifteen Streets, The ref1
filming ref1
food ref1
Fraser, Hadley ref1, ref2
Fraser, ‘Mad’ Frankie ref1
French, Dawn ref1
fruity chews ref1
Fuller, Simon ref1
G-A-Y ref1
Galloway, Jenny ref1
Gatiss, Mark ref1, ref2, ref3
gay marriage ref1
Gill, Jackie ref1
Goodhew, Duncan ref1
grief ref1, ref2
Haberdashers’ Aske’s Boys’ School ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
and Jews ref1
Hagman, Larry ref1
Hale and Pace ref1
Hall, Steve ref1
Halliwell, Geri ref1
Hardee, Malcolm ref1, ref2
Hathaway, Anne ref1, ref2
HBO ref1, ref2
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Heaton, Paul ref1
Heaven ref1, ref2, ref3
Hebrew lessons ref1
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Higson, Charlie ref1
Hill, Harry ref1, ref2
Hillsborough disaster ref1
Hirst, Damien ref1
Hislop, Ian ref1
Hoffman, Dustin ref1
Holt, Patrick ref1
Homerun Video Megastore ref1
homosexuality ref1, ref2, ref3
Hoskins, Bob ref1
Howard, Emily (character) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Humphries, Barry ref1
Hunt, Jay ref1, ref2
ice cream ref1
Imaginatively Titled Punt & Dennis Show, The ref1
Ingleby, Lee ref1
Israel ref1
James, Alex ref1, ref2
James, Geraldine ref1
Jann, Michael Patrick ref1
Japan ref1
Jason (character) ref1, ref2
Jewish comedy circuit ref1
Jewish Free School (JFS) ref1, ref2
Jewishness ref1
John, Sir Elton ref1, ref2
Jonas, Nick ref1
Jones, Ruth ref1
Jonsson, Ulrika ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
Kath & Kim ref1
Kay, Peter ref1, ref2
Kaye, Paul ref1
Kensit, Patsy ref1
Kingston, Alex ref1
Knoxville, Johnny ref1
Lamarr, Mark ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Law, Jude ref1
League of Gentlemen, The ref1, ref2, ref3
Les Misérables ref1
Linehan, Graham ref1
Lipsey, Matt ref1
Little, Chris ref1
Little and Large ref1
Little Britain ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Little Britain Live ref1
Little Britain USA ref1, ref2, ref3
Lobatto, Diana (mother) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
and baldness ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
and homosexuality ref1, ref2
and Shooting Stars ref1
Lock, Sean ref1
Lombardo, Mike ref1, ref2
Lou and Andy (characters) ref1
Lucas, Andie (stepmother) ref1
Lucas, Howard (brother) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
and family life ref1, ref2, ref3
Lucas, John (father) ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
and baldness ref1, ref2, ref3
and prison ref1
Lundgren, Dolph ref1
McCartney, Sir Paul ref1
McCooney, Ray ref1
McGee, Kevin ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
and Doctor Who ref1
McIntyre, Phil ref1, ref2
McKellen, Sir Ian ref1, ref2
Mackie, Pearl ref1, ref2
Mackinnon, Doug ref1
Mackintosh, Cameron ref1, ref2, ref3
Macqueen, Alex ref1
Mandelson, Peter ref1
Mankind ref1
Marsden, James ref1
matzo ball soup ref1
May, Brian ref1, ref2, ref3
Mazer, Dan ref1
Mercury, Freddie ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Michael, George ref1, ref2
Middle of the Book song ref1
Midsummer Night’s Dream, A ref1, ref2
Minder ref1
Minogue, Kylie ref1
Moffat, Steven ref1
Moir, Jim see Reeves, Vic
Moore, Myfanwy ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Mortimer, Bob ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
and Big Night Out ref1
and Shooting Stars ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Moss, Kate ref1
Mowlam, Mo ref1
Murphy, Stuart ref1, ref2, ref3
music ref1
Nabarro, Dean ref1
National Youth Music Theatre ref1, ref2, ref3
National Youth Theatre ref1, ref2, ref3
New York City ref1
Newman, Nick ref1
Newman, Rob ref1
Nighthawks ref1
Oasis ref1
Oddie, Bill ref1
O’Donnell, Rosie ref1
Paddington ref1
Paige, Elaine ref1
Paramount Channel ref1, ref2
Peel, John ref1
Perez, Rosie ref1
Plowman, Jon ref1, ref2
Police, The ref1
Pollard, Clive ref1, ref2
Pollard, Vicky (character) ref1, ref2, ref3
Pompidou ref1
Popper, Robert ref1
Posner, Geoff ref1, ref2
Power, Samantha ref1, ref2, ref3
Precious (character) ref1
Prick Up Your Ears ref1
Prince, Javone ref1
prison ref1
Proclaimers, The ref1, ref2, ref3
prosopagnosia ref1
prosthetics ref1
Punchlines ref1, ref2
Punt, Steve ref1
Putner, Paul ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Queen ref1, ref2
racism ref1
Radio ref1 ref2, ref3
Rea, Chris ref1
Reeves, Vic ref1, ref2, ref3
and Shooting Stars ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Rhys Jones, Griff ref1
Richard, Sir Cliff ref1
roast dinners ref1
Rock Profile ref1, ref2
Roman Invasion of Ramsbottom, The ref1
Root, Jane ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Rose, Florence (character) ref1
Ross, Jonathan ref1, ref2
Ross, Leelo ref1
Rossotti, Ian ref1, ref2, ref3
Rowntree, Dave ref1
Sams, Jeremy ref1
satsumas ref1
Saturday Kitchen ref1
Savile, Jimmy ref1
> Schönberg, Claude-Michel ref1
Schwimmer, David ref1, ref2
Sebastian (character) ref1, ref2
Secombe, Katy ref1
Section ref1 ref2
Self, Will ref1, ref2
Serafinowicz, Peter ref1
Shakin’ Stevens ref1
Shearsmith, Reece ref1
Shooting Stars ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
Sir Bernard Chumley is Dead … and Friends! ref1
Sir Bernard Chumley’s Gangshow ref1
Sir Bernard’s Grand Tour ref1
Sir Bernard’s Stately Homes ref1
Small Apartments ref1
Smell of Reeves and Mortimer, The ref1, ref2
spaghetti Bolognese ref1
St George’s Medical School ref1
Sting ref1
Taaj (character) ref1
Taboo ref1
Talalay, Rachel ref1
Tate, Catherine ref1, ref2
Taylor, Jeremy James ref1, ref2
Taylor, Roger ref1, ref2
Temple, Juno ref1
Thatcher, Margaret ref1
Theakston, Jamie ref1
theatre ref1, ref2
Thomas, Dafydd (character) ref1, ref2, ref3
Thomas, Mark ref1
Thompson, Dave ref1, ref2
Thornton, Kate ref1
Ting Tong (character) ref1
Top of the Pops ref1
Troilus and Cressida ref1, ref2
Tucker, Ian ref1
Tyler, David ref1
UK Play ref1, ref2
Up the Creek ref1
VD Clinic ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Vegas, Johnny ref1, ref2
vegetables ref1, ref2
Vic Reeves Big Night Out ref1
Walliams, David ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
and BAFTAs ref1
and fame ref1
and Little Britain ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
and Lucas ref1, ref2, ref3
and NYT ref1, ref2
and tour ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Ward, Don ref1, ref2
Wasikowska, Mia ref1, ref2
Waterman, Dennis ref1, ref2, ref3
Weald College ref1
Weight Watchers ref1
Wembley ref1
Whitehouse, Paul ref1
Wiig, Kristen ref1
Williams, David see Walliams, David
Williams, Robbie ref1, ref2, ref3
Williams, Robin ref1
Wilson, Rebel ref1
Wilson, Richard ref1
Wind in the Willows, The ref1
Winehouse, Amy ref1
Wing, Anna ref1
Wright, Edgar ref1
Wright, Steve ref1
Yorkshire pudding ref1
Young, Will ref1
Zanuck, Richard ‘Dick’ ref1