by Carol Oates
“I have something for you.”
“What?” Candra asked, quickly wiping a stray tear.
Brie pulled back, her eyes a little red-rimmed, to look at Candra. She smiled, then stood up. Candra followed her upstairs to her room where she pulled off the blanket sitting on top of the box at the end of her bed.
“I have some of your mother’s things. You never expressed the least bit of interest in them before, but I think now you should have them.” Brie kneeled down in front of the box and lifted the lid.
Candra sat on the edge of the bed, watching her. She imagined her lack of interest in her mother probably looked strange to some people, but she figured how can you miss what you never had? She felt no connection to her. She supposed it was because Brie had always been her mother.
Brie pulled out the photograph album and handed it to Candra. She immediately started flicking through; it was just like all the others at the Watchers’ house.
“Why didn’t you want me to see this before?” Candra asked curiously.
“I didn’t want you to ask questions about the others. I’m sorry.”
Next, Brie handed her a small pile of photos. They were pictures of Candra’s father and mother together in various embraces. They looked so young and so in love. One picture was her mother with her long, dark blond hair being blown about in the wind, waving her hands in an attempt to block the camera. There was a hand peeking out from the corner of the shot, holding her still; Candra presumed it was her father. She ran her fingers lightly over the picture of the happy young girl.
“I’m nothing like her,” Candra mused aloud.
“You just think that,” Brie said kindly, pulling out a cardboard box. She scooted over to the edge of the bed, placing it beside Candra and opened it to reveal something soft wrapped up in tissue paper. Candra watched Brie carefully pull back the paper before lifting out a dress. “This was your mother’s.”
“Really?” Candra asked, running her fingers over the black, pleated crepe fabric. “It’s lovely.”
Brie stood up and took the dress with her. It swished across the floor, a simple empire line nipped in with a matching draped sash below the strapless bust.
“She loved music, your mother. She was wearing this dress to the opera with your father the very first night I met her. She loved every type of music.”
She stopped and pulled out a picture from the bottom of the pile Candra was holding, and there she was, Candra’s mother, standing outside the opera hall in Acheron wearing the dress, smiling, her long hair swept up in a chignon. It was then Candra noticed the small curve of her belly, barely visible because of the cut of the dress. She was pregnant, not very far along by the size of her bump, and glowing with happiness.
“I thought maybe you would like to wear this dress to the ball,” Brie suggested and laid the dress across Candra’s lap. Candra ran her fingers over the dress again, feeling the soft-textured fabric as Brie returned to the trunk. A delicate flowery fragrance floated up in the air around Candra, and she inhaled, closing her eyes and trying to imagine her mother happy and in love, looking forward to the future with her father and her.
Candra opened her eyes to see Brie was holding a worn, black-covered sketchbook in her hand.
“I only knew your mother in the last few months of her life before she died. I don’t think it ever occurred to Payne that something would happen to your mother. He was more concerned about her being protected and you being shielded. They asked me to be your godmother, and I felt truly honored that they would trust me. When your mother died, the only way to keep you hidden was to fall, so we could all disappear. And it was something I did without reservation. I would do it again in a heartbeat. You are worth it.” Brie smiled up at her and reached forward with one hand to pat the back of Candra’s. “People presumed we were a couple, and it was easier that way, so we let them…and you. I’m sorry.”
Candra tried to smile back at her but couldn’t quite manage it. She just felt so tired. She was tired of fighting and trying to make sense of everything. She wanted to go back to worrying about what course she was going to take and boys—human boys.
“Here.” Brie handed her the sketchbook.
Candra opened it and began turning the pages. It was filled with drawing of wings and images she recognized as her father. The pencil strokes were thick and shaky, amateurish and little out of proportion.
“You have her smile,” Brie explained softly, sitting back on her heels on the floor and clasping her hands in her lap, “and sometimes her smirk.”
Candra looked at her from under her eyelashes, smirking on cue and making Brie chuckle.
“Why didn’t you ever show this to me before? Did she draw these?” Candra asked and turned another page, quickly realizing why. There were several pictures of her father with his immense wings in varies stages of extension.
“I didn’t want you to ask questions that I couldn’t answer. I wanted you to be safe, Candra. That’s all I ever wanted, and yes, they are hers.”
“She never saw his real wings,” Candra thought aloud, remembering that humans couldn’t see an angel’s wings. She questioned how easily she would have taken Sebastian’s word if she hadn’t been able to see his wings for herself. “I imagine he was beautiful.”
“He was,” Brie said. “Your father was a good man and beautiful, right from his very core to the tip of his feathers.
Candra grimaced, looking back down at the drawing again, wondering what his wings really looked like. The drawing wasn’t a very good reference. “They aren’t very good.” She laughed slightly awkwardly, knowing she probably shouldn’t.
“Neither are yours,” Brie joked sarcastically. “Another thing you have in common.”
“Har, har,” Candra responded with another smirk.
Brie looked down to her hands and sighed. “It seems you have one more thing in common now. You love a Watcher just as she did.”
Candra closed the cover and put the sketchbook down beside her on the bed. “When you left everything behind, how did you do it?”
“I didn’t look back, Candra.” Brie answered right away. “It sounds harsh, but I couldn’t. I needed to look to the future and why I was doing it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Well, apparently neither could I, not forever at least. The past eventually catches up with all of us. In my case, it was because of you. I always feared we would be discovered. If you were important enough to hide, you were important enough that someone would come looking for you. I don’t think I ever honestly believed I would have Gabe in my life again. I thought he would have met someone else by now.”
“You didn’t,” Candra pointed out the obvious.
Brie smiled sadly. “That’s the thing about love. We don’t control it, no matter how we hope to or wish we could.”
It didn’t help much. None of it did. Although Candra had to admit she was learning more about herself over the last months than she had in the last eighteen years. Everything she had planned and everything she was always so sure about had changed. She realized now she had been too sure of herself, too convinced of her own invincibility, that nothing could touch her. She had this enormous responsibility hanging over her head, and she always knew it would be hard to see her promise through. She’d just had no idea how hard it would be.
“I have some assignments to work on and some more packing. I should get to it,” Candra said, scooting off the bed and picking up the dress and sketchpad. “Thanks for these.”
Sebastian spent a long day doing very little of anything. He visited a few bars, planning to drink himself into oblivion, but couldn’t get past his first shot. He tried to write and spent two hours staring at blank pages. After he read the same paragraph several times and still hadn’t retained a word, he ended up flinging the book at his wall. He considered following Candra, but she’d made it perfectly clear she didn’t want him around. In fact, she’d made it perfectly clear that she’
d never wanted him around from the beginning. He knew it was right that she should feel that way. He knew in the beginning she hadn’t wanted him anywhere near her, but he allowed himself to be convinced things had changed. He wanted to believe she hadn’t meant the things she said to him before she stormed out, but worried she had.
When Sebastian had watched over her silently, he had been afraid to know her. Some hidden part of him that he refused to pay credence to, knew he would like her. Once that happened, he became afraid of bigger things: he was afraid to lose her, but it was more than that; despite his bravado he was afraid to love her. In the end, falling in love with Candra was something beyond even his control. Of all the things Sebastian ever struggled with, the biggest was his need to control. Apparently that made him clingy and stalkerish.
So instead of returning to the townhouse Candra and Brie shared, the way he normally would have, he spent the entire evening in his room—more specifically the chair in the corner of his room with his earphones in and his arms wrapped around his knees, attempting to distract himself with music and fighting the urge to follow Candra, call her, or go to her. He blamed himself for the entire situation Candra found herself in, everything from her confused emotions to Draven manipulating her, to his inability to protect Ivy. Lofi and Gabe both tried to convince him otherwise. They said it would have been a matter of time before the others found Candra regardless. Sebastian preferred to take the blame. It was easier to accept some kind of responsibility rather than admit he had no control over the events shaping his life and Candra’s.
He felt jittery and confused. Time lost meaning. The hours seemed to stretch beyond imagination, and Sebastian began making deals with himself to stay away. One more hour and he would reconsider his decision to do what Candra wanted and leave her alone. Twenty minutes, fifteen minutes, ten…He had worked his way down to seconds, and was sitting in darkness, swinging the wires of his earphones around as if about to lasso someone at any moment, by the time he heard the front door open. The sound was closely followed by hesitant footfalls on the stairs. They stopped at the landing, and he held his breath, imagining at any moment they would turn and rush back down. It would probably be for the best, but all Sebastian could think was, So help me, I want those footsteps nearer.
He gripped onto the arm of the seat and waited, hoping if they retreated that he would have the strength not to follow. His heart pounded blood through his body, and he struggled to hear anything other than the heavy thump, thump, thump, but then he heard movement.
Candra stopped outside the door, hesitating again, and Sebastian heard one muted tap. He imagined she raised her hand to knock and changed her mind, instead pressing her palm to the door. He had the most intense desire to rush over there and fling the door open, but it had to be her choice…always her choice.
The door knob twisted, and Sebastian allowed himself to release the breath he was holding as a blast of relief spread through his body.
Candra came into the room, wearing a long jacket, only opening the door enough to creep in and gingerly tread across the floorboards toward Sebastian’s bed. She didn’t see him watching her from the corner. It was only when she got nearer and her eyes adjusted to the darkness that she noticed his bed was empty.
He smiled at the disappointment in her expression and reached behind him to flick on the free standing lamp, bathing the room in a golden light.
“Holy crap,” Candra exclaimed, spinning toward the source of the light and seeing Sebastian. Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to calm herself. “I thought you would be asleep. It’s the middle of the night.”
“And you’re working on your psycho murderer impression?” Sebastian accused bitterly, repeating the same accusation she made the very first time she found him in her bedroom after the party. “Were you planning to finish me off in my sleep?”
“I-I—” she stammered as he watched the blush rise in her cheeks. She looked at the bed, searching for words, and forced out a strained sigh, closing her eyes tightly. “Why does everything have to be a battle between us? I’m tired. Actually I’m utterly drained, and I couldn’t sleep. It turns out I seem to have gotten out of the practice of sleeping alone in my room at night. I couldn’t call my best friend because she’s gone.” Her voice broke and she stopped, pulling in a deep breath before she continued. “This was a mistake. I’m sorry—for everything.” She turned quickly, her long hair whipping around her face, and dashed toward the door.
Sebastian was faster and pressed his hand over hers, cupping the doorknob. He was behind her, and his other hand was held flat against the door so she couldn’t open it. The smell of apples rose from her hair, accosting him with her scent. Unintentionally, he closed the minute space so his chest touched her back. The heat of her body seeped through his chest, sending his heart into a tailspin, beating so fast it hurt. Candra shivered, and the resulting movement of her body made his own respond. Blood sizzled beneath his flesh and rushed every place in his body where they touched, so deep was his body’s basic longing for Candra. Maddening thoughts flashed through his head. Sebastian wanted her in ways he didn’t recognize or understand. He wanted to taste her skin and explore her mind and body to the point they would both be left used up, sated, and unable to think of anything besides each other. He wanted to worship her, consume her and make her part of him so that he would never have to be without her.
His fear of losing her made him reckless. How many laws of heaven was he prepared to break for this woman? Somewhere in the back of his mind Sebastian knew these thoughts were potentially dangerous. It was verging on insanity, and acting on his primal desires was out of the question. Candra wasn’t an animal to be marked or subjugated. She was his equal in so many ways and seemed to have no idea of the sway she held over him. The most insignificant actions or words from her lips had the power to ruin him.
“Wait,” he murmured into her silken tresses, aware of how much it sounded like begging. How did I become this, he asked himself, the guy that has to beg a woman for small mercies? “Don’t leave.”
“What’s the point, Sebastian?” Candra pressed her head forward and leaned it against the door. Her shoulders drooped in defeat.
Sebastian wanted her to know he understood. He knew what it was like to lose people he loved. He knew what it was like to want to blame someone and to fight against it. He had been thinking about it all day because he was losing her. “If we could just sit still and wait, instead of fighting it so hard,” he whispered close to her ear. He wasn’t sure what “it” was anymore: their feelings, the inevitable future, or the constant struggle between them? But he was sure if she just gave him a little time he could do better. He could stop messing everything up.
“I don’t know how to accept what happened to Ivy or what’s happening to me. I don’t know how to accept that there is a higher power that would allow this to happen.” Her voice was husky, like she had been crying. “There is no more time.”
Sebastian had to force his hand not to tighten over hers and give away his anger at those very questions. The fingers of his other hand strained against the door. Instead he went for distraction.
“This morning before you woke, I caught myself smiling for no reason…then I realized it wasn’t for no reason. It was because I was with you.”
Candra sighed quietly. “I don’t want you to feel that way. Please, it just makes it harder. I just want to sleep. I’m so tired.” Her body sagged, leaning into him. “Tomorrow I will fight with you, I promise. Tonight I need sleep.”
Without a word Sebastian removed his hand from hers and slid his fingers under her jacket. She complied easily, dropping her hands by her side as he pulled it from her shoulders, revealing the sweat pants and tank top she was wearing underneath. He dropped the coat to the floor beside them and scooped her up into his arms. She didn’t fight him, and he wasn’t used to seeing her defeated. It was as though someone had snuffed her light out. He thought he’d felt powerless before, but this was
beyond anything he had ever experienced. He felt sick looking down on Candra, her eyes closed and her head leaned into his chest as he carried her over to his bed.
He laid her down gently, pulled off her sneakers, and tugged the comforter from under her. Again she was compliant, lifting up slightly to help him. Sebastian covered her up to her shoulders and went over to switch off the lamp before crawling into the bed behind her. Candra shifted straight away, moving back toward Sebastian until her back was flush to his chest, and reached behind her to pull his arm across her body, settling his open hand on her stomach.
In that moment, Sebastian would have given anything and everything he had to take her pain away. He would have swapped places with Ivy in a heartbeat if it meant she would have been there to take Candra’s call.
“Thank you,” she murmured.
“I’m sorry,” he told her, pulling her hair over her shoulder and kissing the shell of her ear.
Candra wriggled in Sebastian’s arms until she was facing him and reached up to plant a soft kiss on his lips. He wanted to prolong the kiss and the unbearable sweetness of it. He wanted to touch her in entirely inappropriate ways. He had no idea he was even capable of such restraint when instead of acting on it, he pulled her to him, wrapping her in his arms and burying his nose in her hair. Sebastian missed her already. Even as she lay in his arms skirting unconsciousness, he could already imagine what it would feel like when she was gone.
It was hot, really hot, and it was hard to breathe. Candra’s face was squashed against something solid covered in soft cotton, and she was trapped. It took a few moments for her foggy memory to clear and for her to remember she had come over, hoping to sneak into Sebastian’s bed. It was his chest she was currently squished against and his mellow breathing against the top of her head.
She shimmied until he groaned, smacking his lips, and turned over, finally releasing her from the confines of his arms. His face scrunched up in the most adorable way—forming deep vertical lines between his eyebrows.