by Kelly Oram
“Nonsense!” Cheryl said. She was looking at me with pity now, but I couldn’t blame her. I was pretty pitiful right then. “If your mom can go up with you, then you’re welcome to use the condo next weekend.”
The way Grayson jolted next to me, I think he assumed she’d never go for it. “Awesome! You’re the best mom ever!”
“Yes, thank you, Cheryl. I promise we’ll be responsible.”
Grayson jumped forward to give his mom a hug. When he pulled back, she nailed him with a suspicious gaze. “How many close friends are we talking about?”
“Just us, Owen, Pam, Chloe, and the nerd herd.”
“The nerd herd?” Cheryl repeated while I gasped.
“You’d invite the science club? With Owen, Pam, and Chloe there?”
Cheryl finally understood and stared at her son in surprise. “My oldest son mixing social classes?”
“Oh yeah, Mom!” Grayson chirped. “It’ll be an interesting experiment. Didn’t you know? I’m all about social science now.”
Cheryl laughed, but I could still hardly believe it. “You’d really invite Brandon, Levi, Libby, and Tara along with Owen, Pamela, and Chloe?”
All the playfulness left Grayson. The way he looked at me made my knees feel like shaking. Somehow I managed to keep them steady, though.
“Those are your friends, Aves. It’s your birthday. I want you to spend it with all the people you care about, even if half of them are really weird.”
I was too choked up to say anything.
“Well,” Cheryl said. “I think it will be a good experience for all of them. Make sure Kaitlin can go. Boys and girls sleep in separate rooms and absolutely no alcohol. If Kaitlin finds even one drop of it, you will all be murdered.”
“Deal,” Grayson said.
“Then you have my blessing. Now go away so that I can get some work done.”
Grayson dragged us out of there so fast that I thought he was afraid Cheryl would come to her senses and take back the offer. He was so excited about my birthday that it took a while for him to settle down enough that he could focus on writing his paper. It ended up taking longer than we expected.
We were on Grayson’s bed, and when I stretched and lay back on his pillow, he closed his notebook. “I can write the conclusion myself. We can be done now.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, but as I did, I yawned again.
“It’s getting close to nine. I should get you home anyway.”
“Okay.”
I made no effort to sit up.
Grayson shoved his books on the floor and then lay down next to me. “We didn’t get to work on our experiment at all today. I’m sorry we wasted the whole day on me.”
“That was not a waste, and it’s okay. We don’t really have anything else to work on right now. We haven’t done any kind of test for a while, and we’re still stuck in guilt.”
Grayson chuckled. “Should have let us take on the debate team today. The geek squad was ready. Would have been an awesome field test.”
I sighed. “It goes against my nature to want to hurt him, Grayson. I have no idea how we’re going to reach anger.”
“Well, I don’t understand how you aren’t angry. He was totally wrong, and he hurt you so much. I think you’re afraid of hurting him the way he hurt you, so you’re suppressing your anger. I think it’s there, and if you don’t deal with it eventually, one day you’ll just explode.”
I had no idea what to say. He was probably right. He’d been right about everything so far. “So what do you suggest I do, oh wise, unbiased decision maker of the Avery Shaw Experiment?”
Grayson leaned up on his side, propping himself up on his elbow, and looked down at me with a serious expression. “Honestly?”
“Yes. Be honest. You’re right about guilt being the worst stage so far. I hate feeling so bad all the time. If you have any ideas, I’ll do whatever you think I need.”
“Okay.” Grayson’s eyes locked on mine. “I think you should kiss me.”
My heart stopped. “Um . . .”
You would think that after dancing together and almost kissing him then I would be able to control my blushing and anxiety, but as I lay there on his bed with him gazing intently down at me, my breathing became really shallow. I had to look away from him.
“How will that help?”
“I think you’re too close to the project right now. You’re so attached to the idea of these stages that you’re like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know you’re in the guilt stage, so you keep feeling it. You’re obsessing over it and making it worse. You also know anger is coming next, but you’re scared of being angry, so subconsciously you’re not allowing yourself to feel the anger.”
“Okay. I suppose I can see that, but . . .” I had to forcibly slow my breathing down. “How will kissing you change that?”
I finally managed to look at Grayson, but it didn’t matter because his eyes were trained on my lips. I bit the bottom one nervously, and the action made him swallow really hard in response.
He wet his lips and forced himself to answer my question. It clearly took him effort to pull his focus back to the conversation. “It’s something unexpected. It’ll take the steps out of order. You’re not supposed to be at a kissing-someone-new stage yet. You’ll feel things your brain doesn’t think you should be feeling. I’m hoping it might throw your mind off enough to sort of hit the reset button, you know? Maybe it will make your heart take point for a while instead of your head. Then you’ll react to things more naturally and get back on track.”
I tried to find a way to argue but couldn’t come up with anything. Maybe I didn’t want to. “Actually, your logic is pretty solid.”
One corner of Grayson’s mouth curved up. “I thought it sounded good.”
We sat there for a heartbeat in silence. His eyes were still focused on my lips, and I could swear he was just a tiny bit closer than he had been before.
“But it would be my first kiss,” I said. My voice wouldn’t work above a whisper anymore.
“Even better. Twice as distracting.”
“Shouldn’t my first kiss be special, with someone I care for instead of as part of a scientific experiment?”
Grayson’s eyes finally snapped back to mine. “Someone you care for? I’m hurt, Aves,” he teased. “Are you saying you don’t care for me?”
I rolled my eyes, grateful for the return of his playfulness. That was a lot easier to deal with than his intensity. “Of course I care about you. You know I do.” I was able to smile and tease him back. “You’re my unofficial gross older brother, remember?”
“You think I’m gross? You consider me a brother, but you still kissed me anyway. That is gross.”
“What are you talking about? I didn’t kiss you.”
He came at me fast, but when his lips pressed down on mine, his movements slowed to a near stop, as if he were savoring every second of this moment.
For years I’d imagined what a kiss would feel like. It turns out my imagination is severely lacking. I figured it would feel soft and warm and maybe tingly, but I didn’t really understand what soft, warm, and tingly actually felt like until Grayson Kennedy showed me.
The kiss was short, but so delicate and tender. Not at all the fire and passion and mess of tangled tongues you read about in books. In fact, there was no tongue. It was just two pairs of lips meeting for the first time.
It felt like he was being careful with me, and I really appreciated that. Instead of panicking, as I’d assumed would happen, his touch calmed me, and I was able to simply experience it. My mouth opened instinctively, and he immediately caught my bottom lip in his. He lingered only long enough to give me the chance to react with a small kiss of my own. When I finally did, he smiled against my lips and leaned back.
“Now you’ve kissed me,” he said, his eyes alight with more than just mischief. “Still think I’m gross?”
“I . . . I . . .” I was flustered but also still somewhat up in
the clouds—the peace and panic inside me were at war with one another. “I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.”
Grayson grinned. “I think that means it’s working. Maybe we should do it again.”
“Again?”
“We need to make sure we really test this theory as thoroughly as possible.”
“We do?”
“Yes, Avery. I hereby demand as a completely impartial outside observer with absolutely no personal interest in the outcome of this experiment that you need to kiss me again. Right now. For purely scientific purposes, of course.”
“For science?”
“Yes! In the name of science!”
He gave me a questioning look, and I blushed of course, but I surprised us both when I giggled. “I suppose I did give you permission to run this experiment however you deemed necessary.”
Grayson grinned so big his rare dimple was out on full display. “Trust me, Aves, it’s definitely necessary.”
The second kiss was nothing like the first. I thought that one had been amazing—it had been the perfect first kiss—but this second kiss was mind-blowing in an entirely different way. This one was heat and passion, and a certain sense of impatience that suggested he’d waited way too long for it.
Grayson rolled forward slightly so that our bodies were pressed together, and I felt that familiar explosion of heat that had overcome me when we’d danced. As he rested his hand on my cheek, my arms found their way around his neck.
After a moment Grayson pulled back and teasingly asked, “Gross?”
For the first time in my life I didn’t feel shy. “Definitely,” I said, pulling his face back down to mine. “Very, very gross.”
Grayson laughed and then brushed my new bangs back and kissed me again. This time I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. I was okay with that.
He’d just slipped his tongue into my mouth, and I’d just decided that french kissing rocks when Aiden’s voice broke through the bubble we were in. As per house rules, we’d left Grayson’s bedroom door open. We’d both forgotten about that, seeing as how neither of us ever suspected we might want the privacy, so there was no time to pull apart before Aiden walked in.
“Hey, Grayson, I just thought you’d be happy to know that I broke up with—” He broke off midsentence with a gasp.
I shot up to a sitting position. This time instead of the blood rushing too my face, it drained from it.
Grayson sighed and pulled himself into a sitting position as well. “Aves, you were doing so well, don’t freak out now.” He looked at his brother, and in a dry voice said, “About time. Would you mind shutting the door on your way out?”
Aiden didn’t leave. His face flushed an angry red. “How dare you take advantage of her! It’s Avery, Grayson! Of all the girls in the world, how could you screw with her?”
I could hear the forced control in Grayson’s reply. “I wasn’t screwing with her.”
“No,” Aiden spat. “You were just trying to screw her.”
I couldn’t believe he’d just said that. “Aiden!”
At the sound of my voice, Aiden turned his fury on me. “How could you fall for it, Aves? As many times as you’ve seen him do this to other girls?”
I gasped. His disappointment and disgust cut me all the way to my bones.
“I thought you were smarter than that, but I guess you’re just like every other girl after all. Congratulations. How does it feel to be Grayson Kennedy’s latest conquest?”
There was no stopping the tidal wave of tears that flooded from my eyes. I scrambled off the bed and ran past them out the door. I hoped Grayson would bring my backpack to school for me tomorrow, because there was no way I was going to go back for it.
“Avery!” Grayson shouted. I didn’t stop, but as I flew down the stairs I heard him shout, “Idiot! How many times do you have to break her heart?”
I burst into the office a sobbing mess and threw myself at Cheryl. “Avery?” she gasped, wrapping her arms around me.
“Can you please take me home?”
“Of course, honey. What happened?”
“I just want to leave.”
Cheryl reached around me to grab her purse, but Grayson stopped her. “Let me, Mom,” he said quietly.
Cheryl searched my face for signs of approval, but Grayson didn’t give me a chance to protest. He pulled me from his mother’s arms. “Aves, that’s not what that was about. I swear you’re not just another girl to me.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but that wasn’t what I was so upset about. “He hates me, Grayson! Did you see the look on his face? He was disgusted with me!”
“Don’t let him ruin what just happened. It wasn’t disgusting. It was amazing and special. Hell, it’s been practically inevitable since New Year’s Eve.”
I shook my head furiously. “What it was, was a failed experiment. It didn’t reset anything! Now I just feel guiltier than ever!”
I turned to Cheryl, who was watching us at a complete loss for words. She’d probably pieced together what had happened, but when I turned to her and asked her if she would take me home now, she didn’t say anything about it. She simply grabbed her purse and ushered me past Grayson out to her car.
Grayson
Damn Aiden to the very deepest depths of hell. Avery was back at square one with her heartbreak, and I was back at square one with her. We’d had this amazing moment—we’d shared her first kiss—but she couldn’t even muster up a smile for me the next morning at school.
That whole week I couldn’t get much more out of her than two- or three-word sentences. She was too busy watching Aiden from a distance. He’d rejoined the science squad for lunch, but it was clear he wasn’t really part of the group anymore. I was sure Avery blamed herself for it.
I also know she wanted to talk to him, but every now and then he would look our way and glare with such hatred it would make Avery sick to her stomach, and she couldn’t bring herself to speak to him.
His death looks were all for me. I know because he told me so. He accused me of stealing his best friend. I told him it wasn’t stealing if he’d already thrown her to the curb like a piece of garbage. We almost came to blows over it. The only reason I didn’t punch him was because it would hurt Avery, and she’d been hurt enough. But again, Avery saw his anger and blamed herself.
On Friday, Aiden left the cafeteria early. I hadn’t been paying attention, so I wasn’t sure what Avery meant when she said, “He didn’t eat any of his lunch.”
“What?” I asked.
I followed her worried gaze just in time to see my brother skulk out of the room.
“Aiden,” Avery explained. “He didn’t eat any of his lunch. He just threw it out. Has he been eating at home?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t come out of his room at all this week except to pick fights with me. If he’s having a hard time right now, I say let him suffer. Maybe it’ll make him think twice before he acts like such a jackass in the future.”
Avery set down the apple she’d been nibbling on. “He’s all by himself right now, Grayson. You’re mad at him. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. Our friends tolerate him, but it’s clear they’ve all taken my side; and now that he’s broken up with Mindy, he doesn’t have any of his new friends, either. I snuck into his debate yesterday for a few minutes just to check on him, and it looked like Mindy had turned his whole team against him. He doesn’t have any friends anymore.”
“He did it to himself, Aves.”
“I know, but I still feel bad for him.”
Avery sighed.
“Why don’t we go do something fun tonight?” I suggested. “Or we could do something for the experiment. We haven’t worked on it in forever.”
Avery cut me a grave look. “Working on the experiment is what made this mess so bad in the first place.”
It was hard for me not to lose my patience. I was so tired of this. I’d been mostly joking the night I asked her to
kiss me for scientific reasons. Yeah, I really thought it would help her, but mostly I just wanted to kiss her. I thought she understood that, but she’d clung to the idea that our kiss was nothing more than a case of trial and error ever since it happened. I guess she thought if she told herself it meant nothing, then maybe Aiden wouldn’t be so disgusted with her for kissing me . . . you know, since clearly he considered me the ultimate scum of the universe.
The problem was that our kiss hadn’t meant nothing. Not to me. I’d wanted it so bad. I’d waited for the exact right moment when I was sure it was what she wanted too, and I’d thought of nothing else since it happened.
“Do you regret kissing me?” I blurted suddenly, surprising everyone present, myself included.
Avery’s face paled as she took in all the curious stares. She looked down at her lap without answering me. I felt bad for the audience, but now that I’d started this I had to finish it. “I know you feel guilty about it because of Aiden, but do you regret it? Do you wish I hadn’t done it? Do you think I played you?”
She flinched at the last question and looked up at me with her big blue eyes full of concern for me. “Of course I don’t think you played me. I know that’s not what that kiss was about. You were trying to help me. Just because it didn’t work doesn’t mean I’m mad at you for it.”
“But do you regret it?”
It took her a minute to answer. She couldn’t meet my eyes, and when she spoke, it was so quiet that if she hadn’t shaken her head, I might not have understood her.
“No. I don’t think so.”
When I let out a breath, I realized how much I’d needed that answer. I didn’t like the “think so” part, but at least it wasn’t a yes.
“Good,” I said. “Because I wouldn’t take it back for anything.”
She looked up at me again, surprised by my confession, and I asked her something I’d never asked any other girl before. “Will you be my girlfriend, Avery? Officially, I mean?”
Avery wasn’t the only person around the table to gasp. I did my best to hold her eyes with mine so that she wouldn’t pay attention to the people watching us and freak herself out.