I elbow Max in the gut. As he doubles over, I squirm out of his grasp and run to Gavin’s side. I take his hand. “Why? What the hell were you thinking?” With my free hand, I caress his dirt-covered face.
His eyes crack open. “Couldn’t let you slip through my fingers again.” His eyes close.
I’m pushed out of the way by an agent with a portable defibrillator, and I crumble to the ground in a sobbing heap. Moments later, an ambulance pulls up and a team of EMTs runs to Gavin with a gurney in tow. In a blur, he’s swept away. I rush to catch the ambulance before they leave, but Max blocks my path. I try to push him out of my way, punching and clawing at him, but he won’t budge. He offers some excuse why I can’t go, but I can’t hear him over my screams. It doesn’t matter what his reason is—the ambulance is driving away with the love of my life, and I may never get to see him again. I collapse to the ground and weep.
Chapter Forty-One
Lily
What was I thinking, wearing heels to a cemetery after weeks of rain? My heels sink so far into the ground, I debate ditching them and walking the rest of the way barefoot. This is just another example that my head hasn’t been on right lately.
It’s been raining for days on end, allowing me to put this off, but I can’t any longer. The headstone was finally put in this week, and I need to see it. I need to say good-bye. Is that really what I’m here to say? With everything that’s happened, does good-bye cover it? I feel like good-bye doesn’t even scratch the surface. As I walk to the grave, I realize that I have no clue what I need to say.
I catch my first glimpse of the headstone. I think it turned out nice, especially next to his father’s. I used his father’s as a starting point. Even though he and his father didn’t get along, I thought he’d want to follow with tradition. But really, I was grasping at straws. How do you choose a headstone? When I met with the salesman, I was at a total loss. It wasn’t as though we’d ever talked about this. Him dying so young wasn’t on the agenda.
The sound of car doors slamming grabs my attention, and I look around. A funeral procession’s arriving. I can’t take my eyes away from the woman being escorted to the widow’s seat in front of the grave. Seeing her tugs at my heart. While I can’t imagine her journey will be anything like mine, I know she has a rough road ahead. As though she could feel the weight of my stare, she turns toward me with a tear-stained face. Her haunted eyes give me chills. Not wanting to intrude on her private moment, I sit on the wet grass and lean against his headstone.
Wiping away some dirt on the base, I say, “So what do you think of the headstone? You weren’t easy to shop for, but then again, you weren’t in life either. Why would I expect anything different now?”
I pick a long blade of grass and peel off pieces of it. “Big week this week. I turned in all of the blackmail files and all hell broke loose. They’ve convened a special Senate committee to deal with the corruption in the Justice department, and I’ll be testifying in front of Congress this week. To be honest, the thought scares the crap out of me. But it has to be done. While all the smoke was clearing in Tucson, that senator from Arizona, the one who ran for president a few years back, reached out to me and asked if there was anything he could do. I knew he had a lot of power and he wasn’t connected to the files in anyway, so I asked for a meeting. Once he saw the files, he was happy to champion the cause. Since then, heads have rolled. FBI, DEA, ATF… major firings in the land of alphabet soup. I think it’ll take a long time for Washington to recover from the scandal.”
A flock of birds flies overhead, cawing as they leave. I take a deep breath and try to say what I came here to say. “This hasn’t been an easy road, you know. I knew there was danger, but never in my wildest dreams did I think you would die. I was furious with you. And heartbroken.” I shrug. “You left me with so many questions, so much left unsaid, that I didn’t think I’d ever really have closure.” I take a deep breath and release a sigh. “Until today. Coming here, seeing the stone put up. I’m ready to let you go now, and I need you to let go of your hold on my life. Can you do that for me?”
A hot tear slides down my cheek. “I used to think I knew you better than I knew myself. I could look at you across the room and know exactly what was going through your mind. But now I realize I never knew you at all.” I wipe the tears with the back of my hand. “I was really fine with hating you for the rest of eternity. Then I got that damn letter and Rafa gave this long spiel about how much you loved me, and it threw me for a fucking loop. Are you really not the devil incarnate? Did you actually have a soul? A conscience? Did you actually care about me? Would things have been different if I’d known?”
I lean my head back against the stone. “I guess I’ll never really know. Your kid’s safe. Yeah, you owe me one for that. Since your mom is the only living blood relative, the FBI placed him with her, but I think it’ll be the best for both of them. It’ll give her a second chance at being the mom she always wanted to be to you, and Arrow will have a good home. I thought about taking him myself, but with everything that poor kid has been through, he needs someone stable to help him get grounded, and I’m far from stable. I promise I’ll check in on him though. I’m going to be awesome Aunt Lily. I’ll try to tell him good things about you. I opened a doc on my laptop so I can write down good memories as they come to me. It’s still blank, but I’m sure eventually something will surface.” I laugh. “If not, I’ll make something up. Arrow doesn’t need to grow up knowing his father was a world-class asshole. And really, Ash, Arrow? What the hell were you thinking?
“I’m not sure if you know this, but after you died, the house burned down. The FBI thought it was the mob, and it turns out, they were right. Your dad’s godfather, Lorenzo, burned it down so I could collect the insurance money. Since I didn’t have a dime to my name at the time, it was huge. But before he torched the place, he pulled out all of your dad’s things. The art, family pictures, his coin collection. Lorenzo was murdered by your dickhead friend, but he left me the key to a storage unit that has everything he saved from the house. I turned it over to Darlene, so Arrow will get it one day. I’ve now got to write a big fat check back to the insurance company, but it’s worth it so that Arrow has something from your family.
“After I testify this week, I’m going back to London. I probably won’t come back again. Well, I may come back to DC but probably not here. No offense, but it’s time to close this chapter in my life.” I elbow the stone as though I were nudging him in the gut. Damn, that smarts! For future reference, I’ll remember that the two are nothing alike. Not my brightest move. “Now stop haunting me. You had your chance, and you blew it. You can’t keep sending people to me to keep yourself a part of my life. No more mafia guys, or hidden letters, and most definitely no more kidnappings. You hear me?”
I stand and look at the stone one last time then walk to the car. Isaac opens the rear door, and I slide in the back.
Gavin looks up from his phone. “You all right, luv?”
I kiss him softly on the lips. I look down at his arm in a sling and think of how close I came to losing him that day. The bullet destroyed his shoulder and came millimeters from his heart, but by the grace of God, he survived.
“I’ve got you,” I reply. “I’m better than all right.”
Chapter Forty-Two
Lily
The hot sun feels good on my skin, like a blanket of happy covering me from head to toe. After spending weeks trapped inside buildings on the Hill, my body’s craving Vitamin D. Basking in the heat with the cool breeze tickling my skin like a feather, I’m in heaven. The soft sound of the waves crashing begs for me to fall back asleep. I’m so comfortable, my brain fights against waking up. Even though I know an endless expanse of Caribbean perfection is waiting for me, I don’t want to open my eyes. For the first time in I can’t remember how long, I’m not afraid of the boogeyman lurking in the shadows. I can rest without keeping one ear open. It’s been one year since Ash died, and for the f
irst time since then, I’m actually at peace. The nightmare is finally over.
As soon as the last Senate hearing ended, Gavin picked me up at the Capitol, drove straight to National, and we hopped on a plane to paradise. A friend of his owns a private island, and we have the whole place to ourselves for three weeks. Well, we will after everyone leaves. The whole crew was waiting when we arrived. As much as I’d love to have Gavin all to myself, finally putting all of this behind us is reason to celebrate. I may be the one the media’s focused on over the last month, but I’m not the only one who went on this journey. So many lives have been impacted, and we all deserve to take a beat to appreciate that it’s over.
When I stretch, my toes creep into the hot sand, and I quickly retreat onto my towel.
“Stop moving.”
I open my eyes. Gavin’s sitting in front of me with a pad of paper and my kohl eyeliner.
“I thought you went fishing?” I ask.
“I missed the boat,” he replies as he draws.
“Good,” I say around a yawn. “I didn’t believe you could actually fish one-handed anyway. Knowing you, you’d get a giant marlin on your line, and then you’d have to reel it in, wounded shoulder be dammed.”
“Always so bloody cheeky,” he says with a laugh. He looks at me over the rim of his pad. “Didn’t I tell you to stop moving?”
Confused, I furrow my brow. “What are you doing, and why can’t I move?”
“I was on my way to the boat, and I saw you sleeping here. You looked so perfect, I had to capture it.”
Stretching my arms over my head, I release an extended yawn. “You know there’s this thing on your phone called a camera. No expensive eyeliner required.”
His brows furrow as he focuses on his work. “I didn’t want to take a picture. I wanted to capture it. The serenity in your face, the soft way your lashes lay on your cheeks, your slight smirk as you dreamt.” He taps the eyeliner between his fingers as he studies his work. “I’ll buy you another. Not that you need it. You know I prefer you with no makeup at all.”
“Edwards,” Liam calls from farther down the beach, “we need you! Brits vs Yanks Volleyball Showdown Spectacular. ”
The wind picks up, blowing my hair in every direction. I pull it together and tie it in a knot. “That was a short fishing trip.”
“Only Nigel, Richard, Sully, and Max went,” Gavin replies. “Peter was still sleeping, James gets seasick, Liam gets too restless on boats, and Roger got too sunburnt yesterday. He’s not leaving his room.”
“Max, huh? Interesting. He’s probably still avoiding Em.”
Gavin uses his thumb to smear something on the page. “Possibly. But he didn’t bring Sabrina. That has to mean something, don’t you think?”
I tap his writing arm. “Oh, you missed it!”
He glares at me. “I’m trying to work here!”
“Sorry. I just can’t believe I didn’t tell you. Max and Sabrina got into a huge fight right after the last hearing he testified in. She was screaming at him like a lunatic. Made a huge scene. The US Capitol Police had to escort her out.”
“Sabrina’s got quite the temper. What were they fighting about?”
I shrug. “No clue. Once she starts screaming, you get this English/Spanish hybrid, and she talks so fast. I just couldn’t follow her. I asked him afterward, but he didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t push.”
He gently kicks me with his toe. “Can’t you stay still?”
I stick my tongue out at him as Liam jogs up and says, “Come on. We need you. Greene’s wife is a ringer. She’s killing us. We need you.”
“Liam,” I scold, “the man was shot a month ago. Notice the sling? He can’t play volleyball.”
“I’ve got the perfect solution,” Liam says, digging in his pocket. He pulls out a piece of rope. “We’ll all tie one hand behind our back to make it even.”
“One-handed volleyball?” I ask.
Liam nods excitedly. He looks like a puppy waiting eagerly for a treat.
He’s just so damn cute, I can’t say no. “All right. This I’ve got to see. I’m in.”
“I’m not done,” Gavin complains. “We’ll be there in a few minutes.” He points at me. “Stay.”
“Sorry, Picasso.” I stand and straighten my clothes. “My country needs me.”
“Which country?” he asks, setting down the pad and eyeliner.
“Since I don’t see myself ever moving back, this is probably the last time I can actually call myself an American, so I have to give it one last hurrah for the red, white, and blue,” I say before skipping away.
“The Union Jack is red, white, and blue as well, you know!” he shouts.
Excluding Gavin, James ties all of our left hands behind our backs. He’s extremely good at it, which make me wonder how he became so good at it. He gets seasick, so he’s not a sailor. I know he wasn’t a Boy Scout, or whatever the British equivalent of Boy Scouts are. I open my mouth to ask but decide against it. If James is into some kinky rope-tying stuff, maybe it’s better if I don’t know.
One-handed volleyball is a disaster, but my abs ache from laughing so hard. It’s the most fun I’ve had in months. Gavin leads his team to victory, surprise surprise. Even with Ellie, who played college volleyball at Texas, on our team, we were still beat in the most humiliating fashion. The man gets shot in the chest and almost dies, and one month later, he can still beat our asses at one-handed volleyball. He’s so perfect it’s nauseating.
Around sunset, the boat comes in, and Nigel and Max come off the dock, each holding the biggest fish I’ve ever seen.
“We’re grillin’ tonight, baby!” Max shouts.
Richard, Peter, and Nigel set about building the biggest bonfire I’ve ever seen, and Max goes to work expertly cleaning the grouper and yellow fin tuna. I stop by for a second to watch, and it occurs to me that I really hope I like grouper and yellow fin, because with the amount of meat there, Gavin and I will be eating it the whole time we’re here. Those fish are enormous!
Sully and Greene offer to help grill, but Max turns them down. He has control issues in the kitchen, but also I think he’s looking for an excuse to stay away from Em. He works for hours preparing the fish and a ton of side dishes. I forgot what a fabulous cook he is. Everything he makes is scrumptious.
Jimmy Buffett plays over the speakers while we sit around the bonfire and eat, drink, laugh, and eat some more. I’m sitting on Gavin’s lap when Em and Liam walk past us and head down the beach.
Gavin nudges me. “You know anything about that?”
I take a sip of my daiquiri. “Nope.”
Max finds a guitar in the house and pressures Greene into playing. I had no idea he could play, but he’s amazing. For such a stiff guy, he’s got rhythm and what a voice! James, who also has a spectacular voice, joins in as well. Peer pressure comes out in full force, and Gavin and I end up singing Summer Nights. Em and Liam return while Max and Sully are doing a hysterical version of Bust a Move, horrible eighties dance moves and all.
She waves me over, and I kiss Gavin’s cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit.”
He pats my bottom. “Have fun.”
I grab two bottles of cider from the cooler then jog across the sand.
Em wrinkles her nose when I hand her a bottle. “Cider?”
“Drink it. You’ll like it,” I reply as I pop off the tops.
“Whatever, it’s better than beer, I guess.” She holds up her bottle. “To finally getting free of cocksucker. May that motherfucker rot in hell.”
I clink my bottle to hers. “So you don’t buy the letter either, huh?”
She shakes her head as she tips back her bottle. “I don’t know much about love, but I know you don’t treat someone you love the way he treated you.”
“Damn skippy.” I hook my arm through hers. “So…”
“Yes…” she responds in a mocking tone.
I lead her down the beach. “Liam? I really wish you would ha
ve waited until Max wasn’t around to start things up with him, but if you’re serious about trying with Liam, I couldn’t be happier. I adore him, and I think you two could be good for each other.”
She laughs. “Liam and I are not starting up.”
“Then what was that long walk on the beach about? Sharing stock tips? Telling him about the downside of digital currencies?”
“Digital currencies?” She puts her hand over her heart. “You read my last paper.”
“I tried. Didn’t understand a word, but I read it. But that’s not the point. What’s going on with you and Liam?”
“After the Max catastrophe, I did a lot of thinking and realized I need to work on me before I try to enter into a real relationship. I need to learn how to be more open with people, emotional intimacy and all that.”
I look at her curiously. “Sounds shrinky.”
“That’s because it came from a shrink. Anyway, she said I need to work on being friends with more people. Just friends. Liam’s an amazing person and we have a ton in common, so I’m working on mending the fence between us. We started talking about a week or so ago, and he’s been a great friend.”
I take another sip of cider. “Does he know he’s just a great friend?”
“Yes.” She nudges me with her shoulder. “We’re actually having way more fun now. He’s hilarious. I hadn’t noticed before because we were too busy fucking our brains out, but now that we’re just hanging out… he’s awesome.”
“Yeah, he really is. I’ve got to say, I’m really shocked. Thrilled but shocked. After everything that happened with Max, I honestly thought you would have abandoned this whole evolution/growth thing. What turned things around for you?”
“Do you remember Carly and Caroline Simmons?”
I take a sip of my cider while I try to remember. “Twins, right? Snooty?”
“Yeah. They were in a car accident a little while back, and they were both paralyzed. It’s so awful. I ran into Carly at a bridal shower, and she was telling me about how her husband takes care of her. He brushes her hair, does all her shopping, changes her diapers. Diapers, Lily. Diapers. And he still looks at her like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. I didn’t believe her until I saw it for myself. Caroline, on the other hand, has no one. She just has staff take care of her. She’s completely alone in the world, and it was so depressing to see. It really opened my eyes.” Em takes a sip of her cider then wipes her lips with the back of her hand. “I want to find what Carly and Mitch have. What you and Gavin have. Oh speaking of which”—she pulls something out of her back pocket—“Liam and I found this when we were walking on the beach. I want someone to look at me like that.”
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