She looks at her watch. “Being obtuse only eats up the clock. It’s your dime.”
I roll my eyes and tap my fingers on the sofa. “I’m in love, and I despise it. Just thinking about it makes me physically ill. He’s obnoxious, arrogant, and self-absorbed. Thinking of him makes my blood boil. We can’t be in the same room without wanting to kill each other. Despite all this, I love him. He’s like a parasite I can’t seem to eradicate.”
She furiously takes notes again. “Your personalities are not compatible?”
“We’re too much alike is the problem,” I answer.
“Being too much alike doesn’t have to be a negative. If you work on your communication, you and Henrik can have a strong marriage.”
I squint my eyes at her. “Henrik?” I ask. “This has nothing to do with Henrik.”
She puts down her pad and furrows her brow. “I’m sorry. I’m confused.”
“Chase. I’m talking about Chase Brennan. I’ve tried everything I can think of to expel him from my life, but I’m still in love with him.” I look at the clock. “Time’s up. Thanks for stirring all this up. I can’t say I’m feeling better.”
She places her pad and pen on the end table. “It often takes more than one visit for patients to see improvement. Since we’ve identified the source of your stress, we can really start to make progress.” She looks at the Macbook on the table next to her. “You have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. We can pick up then.”
Slamming the door to Dr. Clawson’s office behind me, I storm down the hallway. Taking my stress out on the elevator button, I push it over and over, trying to will the doors to open. Cursing the elevator allows me to ignore what just transpired, but once the car arrives, memories from the appointment overtake my thoughts. I just admitted, out loud, that I’m still in love with Chase. It’s no longer an errant thought floating around in my mind. I’ve admitted it. To a perfect stranger.
Once the words passed my lips, it made my feelings real. It’ll be hard to rationalize continuing my engagement to Henrik now. For months I’ve told myself our engagement is a good thing. On paper, we’re the perfect match. We complement each other.. We’re good together; we understand each other. Few people in the world could relate to the lives we lead. But I’m not in love with him.
I’ve never told Henrik that I love him, and that fact hasn’t really seemed to bother him. Shouldn’t that say something? He tells me he loves me all the time, but he throws the word love around as if it’s going out of style. He loves everything and everyone—that’s just his personality. Nothing about his feelings for me make me feel as though I’m on a higher plane than his best friend, his dog, or the guy who cuts his hair. He loves us all, until something shiny catches his eye. Then he loves that too.
Distracted by my thoughts, I walk to the wrong car in the parking lot. Red convertibles are a dime a dozen in California. After getting a dirty look from bitchy bimbo who acted as though I was casing her car, I pull out my key fob and keep pushing it until I see my car’s lights flash. That’s how frazzled I am—I confused a beat-up Miata for my Spyder.
Perhaps I’m not fit for rush hour just yet. The last thing I need is to get into another accident because I couldn’t stop thinking about Chase. That would just make me hate him more. If only hating him absolved me from loving him.
I put the top down and bask in the sun, searching for relief from a flood of Vitamin D. After twenty minutes, my mind is still racing, the humidity is making my curly hair frizzy, and I’m antsy. Sitting in this parking lot is just making me worse.
Instead of driving home, I end up in Charlie’s driveway. This is one of the few times I’m thankful she knows about Chase and me. Loving your best friend’s brother makes things complicated, to say the least. That’s why Chase and I kept our relationship a secret from everyone. Our lives are so intertwined that we feared if things went sour, we’d lose more than each other. It’s a good thing we had that foresight, because the way we ended would have torn everyone apart.
I never intended to tell anyone—it was going to be my deep dark burden to bear. But one drunk and embarrassing evening, Charlie and her new husband, Spencer, pulled me out of a bar, and I let it all come out. I blame it all on Johnny Walker and Kenny Rogers. And Chase, of course. Somehow, all the wrongs in the world manage to be his fault. I’m excellent at playing six degrees of how Chase is to blame.
Before I knock on the red door of her white Colonial in Pacific Heights, I soak in her exceptional view of the Golden Gate. While coming back to San Francisco after a two-year hiatus has clearly stirred up drama, I sure missed its beauty. There’s no place like home.
She opens the door while I’m staring at the pink hues of the sunset and says, “Stop gawking. You look like a tourist. It’s just a bridge.” I turn around, and she pulls me into a hug. “How was the shrink?”
I drop my purse and jacket on the table in the foyer and make my way to the living room. “I feel shrunk. Actually, I feel like my brain is on the spin cycle.”
I make myself comfortable on the sofa while Charlie goes to the kitchen. She returns with a bottle of water for me and a glass of wine for her. I adore her and Spencer’s house. It’s full of light, clean lines, and vibrant art. Charlie has impeccable taste.
“Did she make you lie down on a couch and talk about your childhood?” she asks.
“The couch was incredibly uncomfortable and red, which struck me as odd. I would have expected calming colors. Anyway, I laid down the law on that subject. My therapy will not be a fishing expedition about my childhood. She respected that. More or less.” I open my bottle and take a sip. “Henrik actually called her and told her how worried he is.”
She winks. “That’s Henrik, for you. He’s quite the catch, you know. Or so he tells me every time I see him.”
Charlie’s never loved Henrik. She likes him well enough, just not with me. I suspect she hopes Chase and I will get back together, but she’s never said that.
“So what’s gotcha all rattled?” she says. “Riky and I don’t often agree, but you’ve definitely not been you since you’ve come back.”
I take a deep breath and prepare myself. The words explode out of me in one long purge. “I’m still in love with Chase. I don’t want to love him. I hate him. I hate him more because I love him. I hate myself for how I feel, but I can’t help it. I love him.” I smother myself with a raw silk accent pillow. “I’m a damn U2 song!”
She fetches a coaster and puts her wine on the glass coffee table before scooting closer to me on the sofa. “You never talk about him or ask about him. I never asked because I figured that chapter of your life was closed. Have you two even been in the same room since my wedding?”
As comfortable as her sofa is, I still can’t seem to get comfortable. I shift around but cannot settle. Perhaps it’s the subject matter. I hold the pillow in my lap and trace the seam with my finger. “No. I’ve been conveniently unavailable for every holiday and birthday since then. I’ve kept him as far from my mind as possible and dodged any places that remind me of him.”
“Honey,” she says, “that’s not moving on. That’s avoiding.”
I let my head fall back against the suede sofa. “Call it what you will. It kept him from the forefront of my mind. But now that I’m home, I feel like he’s everywhere. We have too much history here. Every time I turn around, I’m hit with a memory. Gah! I wish I could just have him surgically removed from my mind!” I raise my index finger. “Maybe I should try hypnosis. I don’t really buy into that crap, but at this point, anything is better than living with him invading my brain.”
She picks up her glass of wine and swirls it. “Do you think you just miss the memory of him?”
“I wish I could say that I’m just being nostalgic, but it’s more than that. I miss him. Our connection, while dysfunctional at times, was powerful, and I’m not sure it ever could be replicated. With everything going on with Daddy, I can’t tell you the number of times I�
��ve wished I could pick up the phone and call Chase. Even if I did, the second I heard his voice, I know all that would come out would be the anger I’ve been holding on to.”
“So what are you going to do about Henrik?”
I shrug. “What can I do? While I may not be in love with Henrik, we have a lot of fun together. We’re compatible. I don’t get the urge to gouge his eyes out with a melon scooper, unlike your brother.”
She fans herself with the pillow from my lap. “Please stop! Your relationship is far too steamy for my delicate sensibilities. Compatible is the new erotic.” She drops the pillow, and her face turns deadpan. “Oh, wait. No, it’s not. Compatible is the new boring and destined for infidelity and divorce.”
“We don’t fight. Ever. Even when we disagree, we work it out calmly. That must count for something.”
She holds up two fingers. “One, you live on different continents. When you two were actually in the same hemisphere, you were bored senseless. It wasn’t as peachy as you’re making it sound. If you recall, you texted me constantly about how miserable you were. And two, you and Henrik have no passion. No chemistry. No heat. Take it from your married friend who has sex every night—you need heat!”
As I nod, I peel the label from my bottle of water.
“See,” she says, pointing at me. “That’s a sign you’re sexually frustrated.”
I put the bottle down. “You shouldn’t buy bottled water, anyway. It’s bad for the environment.”
She sticks her tongue out at me. “Enough about my beverage selection. What are you going to do about your feelings for my brother?”
I wince. “That is a pointless conversation. I may still be in love with him, but we’re toxic for each other. I don’t think I can forgive him for all that he has done. We’d never get past all the damage. Plus there’s the little issue that is us both marrying other people. Getting back together isn’t even a possibility, so get it out of your head.”
She pats my back. “It’s not my head I’m worried about, my lovely.” She lets her comment sink in for a few moments. “I’ll say this. I won’t let you marry someone you don’t love just because you’re a good match on paper. I know you have your reasons for continuing this sham of a relationship, but if you think I’m going to let my best friend make the biggest mistake of her life just because it’s an appropriate next step, you’ve got another thing coming. I will take that wedding down in a heartbeat.” She points at me. “You know I will.”
I have no response, so I lay my head back and close my eyes, trying to block out the cyclone of thoughts running through my head.
“Besides,” she continues, “you can’t marry him. Two blond people should never end up together. It’s just too… too… much blond.” She drains her glass then stands. “Spence will be home soon, so I’d better start dinner.”
I look at her. “By start dinner, you mean reheat what your chef left you?”
She flips me off as she walks to the kitchen. “I can reheat like nobody’s business. You’re staying. Notice that was a statement, not a question.” She gives me the classic Brennan “don’t mess with me” look.
It was so much easier to ignore how much she reminds me of Chase when I was thousands of miles away. Now no matter how hard I fight it, I see a little bit of him every time I look at her, and I hate him for it. She has the same devastatingly beautiful chestnut hair and gray eyes that scream comfort. Wasn’t it enough that he took my heart? Fuck him for invading my relationship with my best friend as well.
Hate to Love You
By Isabelle Richards
Available for pre-order now!
Acknowledgments
It’s hard to believe this wild ride is over. Lily and Gavin started as a flicker of an idea that came to mind while I was driving from DC to RI. I-95 apparently is inspiring to me because it sparked one hell of a story. When I wrote the first words, I never could have predicted where the story went. Lily and Gavin took on a life of their own and it was so much fun seeing where it went.
This last book had more twists and turns than I ever expected, but with Lily being Lily, she had to learn everything on her terms, which means it had to be the hard way. She’s stubborn but not stupid, so of course she finally woke up and married Gavin. Thanks for hanging in there with me through it all!
I know there are questions about future books with these characters. As someone that loves these characters, I’d love to see what happens to Em, and Max, and James (That is not a hint that the three of them are going to end up in triangle!! I only list them as I feel those are the three characters that are most deserving of stories.) I’m not opposed to future books, but only if their stories speak to me. I don’t want to force a story just to keep the series going. But now that Lily and Gavin are finally done, maybe one of the other characters will speak up.
So many people have helped me bring Lily and Gavin to you.
Kimberly—The best writing partner in the world. If it weren’t for your endless support and brainstorming, I’d still be debating if I should bring Brooke back from the dead! I could have never finished this book without you. I could fill an entire book talking about how much you mean to me! So much love to you!
Cassie Editor Extraordinaire—There are not enough words in the English language to thank you for all you’ve done for me on this book. Every time I was stuck, you always knew how to nudge me to get me moving in the right direction. I learn so much from you. Each time we work together, you make me a better writer!
Keri—Thank you for being my test reader. I value your thoughts and insight. Having someone that I know I can trust means everything to me, so thank you!!!!
Argie—You’re such a wonderful beta! You gave me a new perspective each time you read and it helped me pull this crazy manuscript in a better direction!
To Kari Nappi- You’ve been one of my biggest cheerleaders and for that love and support I’ll always be grateful!
Karin, for your belief in Lily and Gavin from word one.
To all of my Book Belle’s! This book was most definitely written for you! You’ve all fallen in love with Lily and Gavin, and as I was crafting the story, I would think of all of you. One and two were written before anyone read it, but as I worked on three, I know you know these characters almost as well as I do. I owe it to you and to them to write a story that would stay true to the characters you’ve embraced. I hope I’ve done that!
Sharon and Linda, thank you for being there for me during every crisis. For your endless encouragement and support. You keep me grounded and motivated and my head in the game. You get me, you get my vision, you keep me on track. For that I owe you forever!!!!
Jesey— Blogger Jesey- You’re like my Obi Wan to this industry. There is no way I would be where I am now without all the knowledge I’ve learned from you!
Friend Jesey—You were always there for me when I was “away”, which meant the world to me. So much love from someone I’d never met in person! Knowing you were there, made it easier for me to have the confidence to come back. I will love you forever for that!!!
Yolanda, you’ve been so kind to support me and help me spread the word about my book. I can’t tell you how much that means to me!
No one would ever have heard of Lily and Gavin if it weren’t for the support of so many wonderful bloggers. You are the life blood of this industry and there are not enough thank yous to go around to show my appreciation. There are so many blogs to thank, but a few have always gone above and beyond to help spread the word. Schmexy Girls, I’ll always be schmexilicious! ByoB, you ladies are my biggest cheerleaders. One-click Addicts, one mention from you ladies and suddenly people were buzzing about me. Fictional Room for Book Ho’s, I found my biggest fans in your group! There are so many other blogs, too many to name! Thank you for taking a chance on a new author who writes crazy complicated and freaking long books!
So much love and thanks to my family who have been so patient. For months now, my answer has been, “Sure. I
’ll get to that after the book is done.” Now that it’s done, my honey- do list is crazy long! Or maybe start on the next book……
Special thanks to my parents and their endless support of my crazy endeavors. I’d never have the guts to do something like this if it weren’t for the confidence you instilled in me.
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