The Life She Left Behind

by ChaShiree M.

  Hmmm… returning to my task I wondered how do I go about finding them? “Excuse me ma’am, do you know how to get to Mulberry Street?” I asked a lady I saw on the street, because she was the only one not walking 60mph.

  “Mulberry Street is about 5 blocks east.”

  The information came from behind me. A voice that sounded as calming as the waves in a shell from the ocean as it is held to my ear. My neck started to prickle with this awareness. It was such a new sensation that I didn’t know what to do. Maybe, I’m imagining it? I was so scared to turn around that I just stood there with my back to a stranger who has a voice as smooth as velvet I wanted to roll around in. But really, is that me?

  What is happening?

  “Well, aren’t you going to turn around and thank me? I did just answer your question, which is more than she was going to do or even capable of doing given her state.” Though I am not sure what he means, I swallow the watermelon size lump in my throat, take a deep breath, and prepare myself. For what, I am not sure, but somehow I felt if I turned around my life would change forever. As I turn to face the voice, I heard myself say “oh, all that is holy….” I was face to face with the most beautiful image I had ever seen. He was handsome in a classic way, but with a bad boy look about him saying, ‘I am going to make you scream: Like in the books my sister and I use to sneak to read. I could see tattoos going up his entire arm to his neck. I wanted to see if he had any on his chest. More than that I wanted to trace them with my tongue and see how far they went.

  He was dark, brooding and HOLY CRAPBALLS! He was built like one of those marine fighters my brothers used to watch on TV. He had muscles bulging out of his neck for, crying out loud. Out of his freaking neck. He looked to be about 2-3 years older than me but his features were hard, showing he had seen a lot. For that reason alone I felt like we were kindred spirits of sorts.

  “Hi…”

  I have got to stop punishing myself like this. Getting lost in memories isn’t going to help me pretend everything is ok. I try to shake it off.

  “Is this seat taken?”

  Snapping out of my reverie I turn slightly towards the gentleman staring at me and answer ‘no’.

  “Well then it must truly be my lucky day then, huh gorgeous? It’s been a rough day, but seeing your beautiful face has made it all better.”

  Seriously is that the best line he’s got? Well shit! But, I guess all I need him for is sex. Engaging in asinine conversation is not imperative. Is that rude? Hell, I don’t even know. At least he has his looks going for him. I wouldn’t have to put a paper bag over his face. It makes me giggle just thinking about it.

  Back to my mystery one-night stand. He has three-day-old stubble on his chin, a tanned, and rugged frame. His hair is mussed like he has been running his fingers through it. No obvious tattoos. He is at least a foot shorter than him. Then again, no one is him. He is in an expensive suit. It seems to not fit him right, like he didn’t bother to have it tailored. I can’t for the life of me figure out why this particular detail is bothering me so much. I find it incredibly annoying.

  However, he is ok enough. I think I could sleep with him for one night. He could break up the drought that has become of my lady parts, and add some sunshine to them again. I also want to feel something again, even if it is just for a few minutes. Nothing will ever satisfy me like Ren could, I knew that the minute I looked into his eyes. Those beautiful orbs of blue that made me feel like I was lost at sea and only he could save me. His life jacket is the only one able to bring me back to the land of the living. Without him, I feel as if I’m doomed to drown in my own man made lake. He was a part of a different time, a different life, a different me.

  “You here beautiful?” Mystery man says.

  “Yes. Sorry. I was just wondering what is a man like you doing in a place like this talking to little old me?”

  “Are you serious? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Plus, you look like you could use a distraction.”

  “I could,” I find myself saying to him. “I need to wait for a while, until I am sure my sisters are here. Then I’m all yours…for a bit.”

  “All yours for a bit”…. the 5 words that changed my life forever.

  “Breathe, just remember to breathe, Fae”. That is what I was saying in my head as I looked at the most beautiful man I’d ever seen. He couldn’t have been much older than me. The way he was built, I could only think to describe him as a man. His body was sculpted like one of those guys who spent a lot of time at the gym or working a job using his muscles. He was at least a foot taller than me. His olive skin was enhanced by the bluest eyes I had ever seen. It made me feel like I was drowning in the warmest deepest sea.

  As I stared at him I realized I was panting and starting to squirm in a way I had never done before. I mean, seriously, I didn’t know those types of feelings existed and that I could have them. There was a wetness between my legs making my face heat up betraying my embarrassment. For the life of me I couldn’t contain myself in front of him. It was so darn frustrating. Fiddle sticks I’m supposed to pretend to have sophistication, but doing a little flirting made me come undone. I didn’t know what to do about it.

  “Hello” I heard and realized he must have had been saying something to me. I felt even more embarrassed because I had been ignoring him while ogling him.

  ‘I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”

  “Yea, I was asking if you wanted an escort to your destination. You looked a little out of your comfort zone. Someone as beautiful as you shouldn’t be allowed to walk around here alone.” As I stared into his eyes, I knew I should try to sound more grown up and protest that I didn’t need him. Something about the way he looked at me, along with the beating of my heart, wouldn’t let me walk away from him.

  His eyes began to dilate the longer he looked at me and his breathing was becoming more rapid, (like a dragon preparing to breathe fire). It’s almost like he was tuning into me already. The longer I hesitated, the bigger the challenge I became to him. The message in his eyes was that of a gauntlet being thrown down. He was telling me that either I could challenge him, which he would welcome, or I could accept my fate. I recognized the look in his eyes as the same look my father gave our mothers when he wanted one of them to ‘give’ herself to him. I knew I should be abhorred by this coming from a man I just met. I felt nothing but warmth and elation that someone this beautiful would want me this way.

  Alto gave me a similar look when we were alone together. Knowing my father had promised me to him, I always tried to avoid him. I always felt creeped out around him. It made me dread the day I had to become his wife.

  However, coming from this big handsome stranger, I wondered if it was what our mothers felt every time father turned his attention toward them. I now kind of understand why they couldn’t find the strength to leave. The headiness was consuming. It makes the receiver feel powerful even though you were also aware that the power was not yours.

  It’s the captivators.

  “I don’t want to take up your time or hold you back from anything” I whispered to him. He held out his hand to me and said “I’m all yours, for a bit”. I looked at his hand and I felt like if I didn’t take it I would be missing out on the chance of a lifetime and this would be the only chance I got for the rest of my life. I take the proffered hand and feel my life taking shape instantly. He looks into my eyes and says, “Hi, my name is Antonio Renaldo Castro but my friends call me Ren.

  With a name like that, if I were a little worldlier, I would have recognized his name alone held power. Since I didn’t have experience outside of the hell my father had created, I very naively replied, “Hi. Nice to meet you. My name is FaeWren Delilah Ryan.” That introduction would be the day I secured my fate.

  I knew my time was limited to find my brothers. Therefore, I should rebuff him. But then all I had to do was think of Alto and how his eyes undressed me as he licked his lips like we were alone. Engulfed by a feel
ing of safety from this man, who I didn’t know at all, made me feel like I wanted to confess all and beg for his help. But I didn’t. I simply followed him like a tiny puppy.

  Maybe if I knew then what I do now, I would have walked away that day. Then I wouldn’t be sitting here in a bar with a whole big enough to fit a small country in my heart.

  Setting my drink down and glancing across the bar, I realize that all of my sisters have arrived. For all of my bravado about not worrying about my dad, I physically feel my tightly coiled body give a little in relief that they are here safe and sound. Kea is over towards the tables, talking to the guy I first saw as I came in. Starting to get up to go stand next to her, I notice she is blushing with a look of hunger on her face. That alone wouldn’t stop me normally from continuing, but the look of familiarity between the two of them does. I get the sense that there is a story there. One I will be sure to get from her in the morning. I do not allow my sisters to keep things from me, especially knowing how it could affect us all.

  I know, I know. I never said I’m perfect. But as the oldest, it’s my job to know what’s going on. Imagine me, not liking secrets. Ha.

  To the left of Kea I see Quetzal pretending not to be watching a shady looking guy in the pool hall, which I don’t think is working out for her. Clearly he is staring at her too, like she is his last meal and it’s his right. Looking again at the two, I am now convinced she is giving him the same look.

  The hairs on the back of my neck start to stand up and I can feel myself getting ready to spring into action. Standing up to go to her, two different things happen. First, she jumps up and darts for the door like her ass is on fire with him following behind her.

  Second, the guy I was contemplating breaking my dry spell with grabs my arm and says; “whoa, where are you going? I thought we were going to have some fun tonight.”

  I look at him and know I don’t want to sleep with him. Instead I want to knee him in the balls. I mean who the hell does he think he is to grab me like I belong to him or something? “Let me go. Please,” I add with my teeth gnashed together, not that he notices. ‘”I have to go check on my sister.”

  Still holding onto my arm he says; “I’m sure she can take care of herself and you need to take care of me.”

  Is this guy fucking serious? What the hell did I see in him in the first place? I seriously look at him and he has a narcissistic grin on his face that I want to slap right off. Instead, I pick up my drink to throw it in his smug face when a shadow suddenly looms over us.

  “Get your fucking hands off my woman, before I beat in your fucking face.”

  After getting over the shock of hearing the voice that has haunted my nightmares and my naughtiest fantasies, I feel a mixture of excitement, dread, reservation, and lust flow through my body racing to see which one will win out in the end. I am afraid to turn around and face the man who belongs to that voice, because I know I won’t be able to gather the strength to walk away a second time.

  “Did you hear me asshole? What makes you think you have the right to put your hands on what belongs to me?”

  I can feel my panties starting to get soaked at the last four words he said. Those four words that he often said during sex or if he felt someone was getting to close to me. I always got a warm feeling at his possessiveness. Like I was the center of his world. Its then I remember that we are in a bar. My sisters are here probably watching, and someone working for my dad could be in the bar as well.

  “Ren, you have no…”

  “Shut the fuck up, Fae. I will deal with your ass in a minute.”

  The twinkle in his eye says that he literally means my literal ass. Shit, that makes me whimper with need to rub myself all over him. I want to strip off my clothes and let him devour me. If I thought I was horny earlier, this just ramped my neediness 100 decibels higher. Stupid.

  Telling myself I need to leave now, I try to take advantage of his focus on the man sitting next to me to sneak away. Before I even make it to the door, a hand circles the back of my neck and a warm breath whispers in my ear “Where do you think you’re going fata?” I felt my body crumbling, hearing the old endearment he always called me. I wish my heart would stop beating now so I can perish with this last memory instead of living through the pain of leaving him again.

  “Ren, I have to go find my sister. I don’t know what you’re doing here, but I really can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

  “Fae, your sister is fine. My man is taking care of her,” he says with a smirk. “But you are going with me, for being a naughty little fata. I think you need to be reminded that my fairy belongs with me. Is it you have forgotten so easy my love, or have you pushed what you feel behind a veil of fog to make it like it no longer exist for you?”

  I know I should say YES, but I am so tired. Tired of running and hiding. Being sad. Alone and cold. I want the heat back in my life with the fire of passion and the joy of being cherished, even for one night. So I say, “No Ren. I haven’t forgotten about any of it. But…”

  “Nah, ah my love, we will talk about this at home. There is someone dying to see you. Then I am going to tie you to the bed, spank your fucking ass and fuck you until you beg me to stop. Only then will I turn you over and fuck you so deep, you’re going to be coughing up my seed for weeks. I plan to rut in you until you pass out, Il Mia Amore. I will shoot my love potion in that beautiful fucking pussy making you so slick that my juices run out of you like a waterfall. Everyone will know for sure who you belong to. I will put my mark on you. Then and only then will I make love to you so that you remember who you are.”

  As he puts me into his Aston I can’t help but smile because I have always loved this car. “Fata, do you want to tell me while your vocal chords still work how and why you could walk away from the life we built?” His anger is palpable and radiating off him and touching me in ways that make me cringe. The hurt in his voice is what almost cripples me with guilt. He reminds me of a grenade. One wrong move or word could set him off. The problem is I don’t have time to pussy foot around him; I have to get him to let me go before I bring something worse into his life.

  This beautiful man that has only ever loved, protected and cherished me looks so dejected by my betrayal. I want to launch myself at him, beg for forgiveness, tell him everything and let the chips fall where they may. I can’t bring myself to put all I love and hold dear in the line of my father.

  “Ren, I wish I could tell you everything but it’s better for everyone if you let me disappear again and forget about me.” The murderous look he gives me is one I have never seen him direct at me. For the first time, I’m afraid of him. The amount of emotional not physical pain could cause Ren to take revenge and retribution on me. Not realizing I have slid closer to the door the eyebrow raises and he says, “Have you been away from my arms so long Mia Fata that you have forgotten how these hands have loved you? I would never harm one of the most precious things to have ever held my heart!”

  There was no holding back the dam after that. First the tears start, then the hiccups, and snot running out my nose. Ren hands me a handkerchief and goes back to driving. Eventually I pull myself together, but not before I feel and look like a lost toddler. As we came to a stop, I look through tear stained eyes and see the same love he had before reflected there, causing the water works to start again. Oh boy, this is going to be a long night if I can’t stop crying.

  I vaguely recall being picked up and carried. I must have dozed off or been in shock, because he is lying on his side looking at me as if he had found a long-lost treasure. In his beautiful eyes I can see a faint hint of tears, and I want to rub his cheek while telling him not to worry, it will be O.K., even though I am not so sure.

  “Are you calm now my love?”

  I nod.

  “Bene. Go to the bathroom and freshen up. There is someone who stayed up extra late to meet you. I think it has been long enough for the both of you.”

  I must have looked terrified because he starts
consoling me, telling me it’s what we both need and I no longer have a choice. I am trying not to examine why it makes me feel protected. I exhale and decide I am going to run with it.

  On shaky legs I get up and go to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realize the emotions this reunion will make will be in real-time life and not in flashbacks. Will I feel hatred, confusion, a lack of connection, or all of the above being directed at me? I mean who the fuck am I kidding. I deserve it all and more, but I know being met with any of those will break me and I will never recover.

  I am stalling by washing my face, reapplying my makeup, and trying and not to look like a red-faced puffer fish. I try to gather my courage. After taking a deep breath, I open the medicine cabinet looking for something to stop the oncoming headache. I notice there are toiletries for a woman and suddenly I feel the last shred of hope fall through my hands and shatter at my feet. It may have been a silent break to others, but I hear it as loud as if it was real glass. Did I really believe and expect after all these years he would still be alone? Ren is by far one of the most beautiful, rich and powerful men in New York City. His tall, tanned, and muscular body resembles a Greek God.

  In addition he has a power beyond anything I have ever known. That includes political power. From my experience in the year I spent with him, it certainly surpassed celebrity status and political power. Ren’s dad is the head of the Italian mafia in N.Y. That makes my Ren the second in command. With power, women literally throw themselves at him. Stopping short of raping him just to get his attention.

  After all I chose this life of exile after all. Why do I feel this overwhelming sense of betrayal? It’s as if buckets of ice are being poured over my thawing heart, plunging it back into darkness.

  It was for a good reason, but it was still a choice that took my life from me and apparently gave it to another woman. Instead of telling me he has moved on, he brought me here to see all I have missed as my punishment. I grip the sink trying to steady my shaking knees, while holding a sob in and keeping it from tearing my body apart and putting an end to me.