“Imagine my surprise, when I stumbled across an unknown, untouched primitive tribe, who knew nothing of the white man and his civilisation. Amazing how many of them there still are, tucked away in the darkness, even in this day and age. I did the usual shock and awe thing to impress them, and they accepted me as their Great White God. I lorded it over them quite happily for some time. Just for the fun of it. The men were ugly brutes, but the women were pleasant enough, with a refreshingly casual attitude to social nudity. Their language was brutal and basic, and I never bothered to learn it. You can get most things across with pointing, and stern looks. Any time they looked like getting a bit rebellious, I’d show them a match or a compass, or shoot half a dozen of them, and they all went back to worshipping me again quite happily.”
“Why didn’t you just show them your armour?” said Doctor Delirium.
“Because I didn’t have it,” said Tiger Tim. “The family took it back.”
“I had heard . . . something,” said Doctor Delirium. “But you learn not to trust anything, when it comes to Droods.”
“My family can be very spiteful, when it chooses,” said Tiger Tim. “Anyway, I learned to survive without it. I’ve always believed in being prepared, for absolutely anything. Down the years, I’ve acquired a number of really quite remarkable items, of sometimes quite appalling power and destructiveness. More than enough to compensate for the loss of my armour. And, just one of the many reasons why I am so very hard to kill.”
“Have you brought any of these appalling items with you?” said the Doctor, quite casually.
“Ah. That’s the question, isn’t it?” Tiger Tim leant back in his chair, smiling quietly, indicating that this was as far as he was prepared to go . . . for the moment, at least.
“If you were having such an enjoyable time, playing Tarzan, Lord of the Undiscovered, why are you here?” Doctor Delirium said firmly.
“You scientists,” Tiger Tim said admiringly. “Always so keen to get to the point. Well, I enjoyed abusing my authority over the tribe, in all kinds of amusing ways, but eventually I just ran out of things to do to them. I got bored. They were a ˚ very limited people, and I missed all the little comforts of civilisation—like proper eating utensils, and toilet paper. But, it had been made very clear to me as I left South America, with bullets whistling past my head, that I couldn’t hope to return to any civilised part of the world until I’d made myself strong and powerful enough to stare down all my many enemies, very definitely including my own family.
“Imagine my surprise when a white man turned up in my territory, looking for me. I wasn’t completely cut off from the outer world, you understand. My people had been supplying drugs to a certain cartel, at my direction. They’d been using this absolutely fascinating psychedelic for centuries, as part of their religious festivals. Just one drop of the stuff, and after you’ve finished throwing up every meal you’ve ever eaten, you can have long conversations with the deity of your choice. Of course, I put a stop to all that. Thou shalt have no other god than me, on peril of some serious smiting on my part. And no, Doctor, I never took any of it myself. I’m very old-fashioned, in some respects. My body is a temple.”
“Because you worship yourself?” said Doctor Delirium.
“No one likes a catty supervillain, Doctor. Now, with nothing but time on my hands, I did a little experimenting with various parts of the mixture, and found it could make any man a superman, for a time. So I had my people produce tons of the stuff, and I set up a supply line to the nearest city. My people would do anything for me. If they knew what was good for them. But I’d only just started making serious connections, when this very polite young man came all the way into the jungle to see me. He was a representative of Manifest Destiny and a man called Truman. I see you know the name, Doctor; who doesn’t? It appeared he was very interested in what he called the Acceleration Drug.
“We got on famously, and I agreed to supply Manifest Destiny with all the raw materials they needed, to produce the Drug on a large scale, and in return I was promised quite staggering amounts of money, plus a high place ˚ in the Manifest Destiny organisation, along with guaranteed protection from all my many enemies, whenever I chose to return to the civilised world. I think Truman particularly enjoyed the irony of obtaining such a weapon from a Drood; even an established rogue like me.
“Time passed. The young man came and went, keeping the connection open. Drugs went out, comforts came in. Until I got bored again. The young man, and I do wish I could remember his name, but he was a particularly bland and characterless specimen . . . Anyway, he made the mistake of trying to convert me to the cause of Manifest Destiny. He was a believer, you see, and thought I should be too. As though I’d ever follow any cause but mine. So I killed him, the tribe prepared him, and we ate him. I’d already introduced the tribe to the joys of cannibalism. Just for a laugh.
“Not long afterwards, word filtered through to me that Truman and his entire organisation had been stamped flat by the Droods. I’ve always had bad luck with timing. And I really couldn’t believe it when I heard the family was now being run by London Eddie; I mean, who would have thought it? But it did mean . . . that I needed a new ally. I looked around, put out some feelers . . . and imagine my surprise when I discovered you’d just moved into a new secret base, practically on my doorstep?
“I decided this was a sign. So I killed all that was left of the tribe, to cover my tracks, ate the best bits of them, and walked through the jungle to join you here. That we might . . . discuss matters of mutual interest.”
“Hold it,” said Doctor Delirium, sitting abruptly upright in his chair. “You expect me to believe that you walked all the way here, one man on his own, through this godforsaken jungle? Packed full of large carnivorous creatures, and any number of poisonous snakes and insects? I lose at least one man every time I send a patrol out!”
“Ah,” said Tiger Tim. “But they’re not me. I told you, I’m prepared for absolutely everything. When I walk through the jungle,
I’m the most dangerous thing in it. I can kill with a look, or blow things up with a Word. And I do! Often just for the fun of it. And now, here I am. Ready to make you an offer you really can’t afford to refuse . . . I hold the secret of the Acceleration Drug, that can turn any soldier into a superhuman killing machine. Think of it, my dear Doctor Delirium; an army of your very own superhumans, to fight your corner for you and enforce your will on the world. Mercenaries are all very well and good, but they’re very limited, and they die so easily. Truman used his Accelerated Men against my family, and proved they were a match even for Droods in their armour. Wouldn’t you just love to be able to tell the Droods to shove it, after all they’ve done to you?”
“You’re right,” said Doctor Delirium, after a moment. “Your offer is very tempting. But your reputation precedes you, Tiger Tim. I’ll need a lot of persuading before I will accept you as a partner in crime.”
“Indeed,” said Tiger Tim. “Tell me, my dear Doctor Delirium; have you ever heard of something called the Apocalypse Door?”
The recording stopped abruptly. I looked for more files, but if there were any, the Doctor had wiped them all.
I searched on through his files, letting the armour do most of the hard work, and discovered, very much to my surprise, that Doctor Delirium really was a scientific genius. The work he’d done in his various labs was nothing short of astonishing. He’d taken entirely minor illnesses, and genetically re-created them as killer plagues that would have ravaged the world, if my family hadn’t stopped him, every time. He’d taken inconveniences, and turned them into monsters. If only the Doctor had been as interested in producing cures, he could have been the Great Man of Science he’d always wanted to be.
I always said we underestimated the man.
I was struggling to open a really stubborn file marked Existential Technology, when the file disappeared suddenly from the monitor screen, replaced by a face I ˚ knew very well. Tiger Tim lo
oked out at me with much amusement.
“Well now. What on earth is a Drood field agent doing in Doctor Delirium’s private office?”
I studied him from behind my anonymous golden mask. “Timothy Drood, rogue and scumbag. How did you know I was here?”
“Call me Tiger Tim. That computer you’re using was programmed to sound the alert at my end, if anyone tried to access that particular file. Can’t have just anyone learning the true nature and function of the Apocalypse Door, can we?”
“We already know what it is,” I said.
“Of course you do. You’re a Drood. You know everything. I do like what you’ve done with the armour . . . very stylish modifications. Medieval, with a definite knightly touch. Things have clearly progressed since I was one of the favoured few.”
I was a little surprised, but didn’t say anything. I hadn’t realised my armour was automatically adapting my favourite modifications, without my having to even think about it anymore. As though the armour was learning . . . Something else to think about, when I had the time.
“Of course,” said Tiger Tim, “you took my armour away from me. Quite a shock, at the time. I didn’t know the family could do that.”
Which meant he hadn’t heard about the treachery of the Heart, and its downfall. And how different the new armour was. At least the family was still keeping the details of its disgrace and rebirth secret from the world at large.
“All the field agents who suddenly lost their torcs got them back,” said Tiger Tim. “Why didn’t I?”
“Because you’re not worthy,” I said. “Because you’re not a part of the family anymore. You’ll never wear a torc again. Not after all the things you’ve done.”
“Typical Drood. Always so judgemental. Have I really killed so many more than any Drood field agent? My crimes are really quite small, compared to the family’s . . . At least I don’t meddle with the world. I just want to play with it.”
“I walked through a town full of dead people to get here,” I said. “The Acceleration Drug drove them into a killing madness. What the hell did you think you were doing?”
“Well, it wasn’t liked we needed them anymore, the good Doctor and I. And I never leave anyone behind to speak ill of me. Two men can keep a secret, if a whole bunch of people are dead. Besides, it was such fun to watch. From a safe distance. Aren’t surveillance cameras wonderful?”
“Did Doctor Delirium know you were going to do that, to his people?” I said.
Tiger Tim grinned widely. “The good Doctor has been very . . . distracted, since I introduced him to the Apocalypse Door. He doesn’t care about anything else, anymore. He talks to it, and it answers him. Or so he says. I’ve always been very careful to maintain a safe distance. I could have set his whole base on fire and toasted marshmallows on the burning bodies, and he wouldn’t have cared. Not to worry, though; I’m here to keep an eye on him.”
“We’ll find you,” I said. “The whole family will be at your back and at your throat until the day you die. What happened to you, Timothy? You might have been a rogue before, but you never used to be an abomination.”
“Lot you know,” Tiger Tim said easily. “I like to think of this as the real me finally surfacing, after years of repression. I’m not bad; I just want to have fun. Might I inquire which Drood I have the honour of addressing? You all look the same to me. And after all, the game is only fun if you’re playing against a worthy opponent.”
“I’m Edwin Drood.”
“London Eddie! My God . . . You have come a long way, haven’t you, from junior field agent chasing second-class scum around the back streets of unfashionable London? Of course, you only got that cushy posting, and your vaunted freedom from the family, because you had your grandmother’s support. I never had anyone’s support. I never had anyone in my corner, my whole life. Always telling me what to do, what to think . . . They were always afraid of me. Of my potential. And quite rightly. I couldn’t wait to find a way out of the Hall, throw off their damned brainwashing and get on with my life, far away from all the suffocating restrictions . . . What’s the point of being more than human, if you’re still going to allow yourself to be bound by human limitations? Humanity is a trap, from which it is our duty to escape.
“So, I came up with my own ideas. You see, it isn’t just the armour that makes us so much better than everyone else. Though it does help. Droods have accomplished more in world history than all governments put together. Because we’re focused, smarter, more capable of taking the long view. Doing what needs to be done, and to hell whether it’s popular or politically expedient. The armour has evolved us, as people, as a family, far above the common herd. We shouldn’t be hiding in the shadows, we should stride out into the open and operate as the world leaders we really are. We are a natural aristocracy, superior in mind and body and will, and we should be lords and masters of all we survey. With everyone else in their proper place as servants, peasants, slaves. Their only real purpose in life is to serve their betters and worship their masters.
“We could put the world in order. No more wars, because everyone would do what they were told. No more want or hunger, because everyone would be equal, under Drood. Of course, we’d have to cut the numbers back, to a more manageable level. I spent ages putting all this together, but when I finally gathered up my materials and presented my Noble Experiment to the Matriarch . . . She said I was mad. I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t even look at the materials! She refused to listen to me! No one would listen!”
“Really,” I said. “I wonder why. You do like to talk, don’t you?”
“Yes, well, I have been positively starved of good conversation, just recently. Anyway, when it became ˚ clear that the family was not going to be rational on this matter, I decided I’d have to start the ball rolling myself. A trial run, so to speak. Would I be right in thinking the powers that be in the family still don’t like to talk about how close I came to actually getting away with it?”
“I know you half killed the Armourer, trying to get him to open the Armageddon Codex for you,” I said. “Is that why you wanted the forbidden weapons? To declare war on Humanity?”
“Not a war, Eddie. Just a short sharp shock, a little practical culling, of the weak and unworthy. The old man shouldn’t have tried to stop me. He should have understood. I would have worn him down eventually, if James hadn’t turned up to drive me off. Bloody Grey Fox . . . always so full of himself. He never liked me. Still, I was really quite upset when I heard he’d died. I did so want to kill him myself.
“Anyway, that’s how it all started. The secret origin of Tiger Tim. I am finally where I should have been, all those years ago. I have the Apocalypse Door, the Acceleration Drug, and a fiendish master plan. Doctor Delirium and I will rule the world, and everyone else will bow down to us. Including every single stuck-up, straight-backed . . . stuffy member of the Drood family!”
“You and Doctor Delirium will rule the world?” I said.
“Yes . . . I’d been wondering when that particular penny was going to drop. He will be my partner for as long as I need him, and not one moment longer. He really does have a remarkable mind, but once the threat of the Door has placed the whole world under my control, I won’t need him anymore, will I?”
“If you have the Apocalypse Door, why do you need him at all?”
“Because, my dear Eddie—oh, it is so good to have someone I can speak openly with at last . . . Because direct contact with the Apocalypse Door can be very . . . affecting, to the human mind. The dear Doctor seems quite besotted with it. But he can’t open it without my help. So he acts as my cutout, so to speak. Should it prove necessary to open the ˚ Door, I will make it possible for him to do so. But I’m certainly not foolish enough to get too near myself.”
“You don’t really think an army of Accelerated Men will be enough to protect you from the Droods, do you?” I said. I needed to divert him. Before he realised just how much information he’d given away. “You mu
st know the Drug is flawed. Your superhumans burn out.”
“They last long enough to do what’s necessary,” said Tiger Tim. “Especially with my new extra magic ingredient. Courtesy of Doctor Delirium’s amazing mind and first-class labs. What you’ve seen at the base was just the trial run, for a much larger experiment.”
“How did you find out about the Apocalypse Door?”
“A little bird told me. Come now, Eddie, you don’t really think I’ll give up all my little secrets and connections that easily?”
“Worth a try,” I said. “More importantly, do you understand what will happen, if you ever open the Door?”
“Of course,” said Tiger Tim.
“And you’re really prepared to do that, if you don’t get your way?”
“Yes. If I can’t have the life I want, why should anyone else? To hell with them all.”
“What about the Immortals?”
He looked at me. “Who?”
And then Ethel contacted me through my torc, her voice high and urgent. Eddie! You have to come home! Right now! The Hall is under attack!
“What? That’s . . . impossible! Wait a minute . . .” I turned back to Tiger Tim’s face on the monitor screen. “Drood Hall is under attack! Is this your doing?”
He smiled dreamily. “It has always been a dream of mine . . . To see the Hall go up in flames, and everything destroyed . . . And all of you will cry out to me, to save you from the fire . . . And I will lean forward, and smile, and say . . . Burn.”
I called up the Merlin Glass, and threw myself through it.
CHAPTER SEVEN
War On a Country Lawn
I burst through the Merlin Glass to see thousands of Accelerated Men running wild on the grassy lawns of Drood Hall. Screaming and howling with rage, they streamed out of a dimensional door hanging in the air, and every single one of them wore the black and gold uniform of Doctor Delirium’s private army. They spread rapidly across the neatly mown lawns, running and leaping, baying like maddened animals. They moved at superhuman speed, churning up the ground and sending grass clods flying through the air. Their faces were twisted with an insane rage and hatred, fuelled by the Drug, and the noises they made didn’t even sound human anymore. They headed straight for Drood Hall with murder on their faces, and more and more of them were coming through the dimensional door all the time.
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