by Melanie
So over the next twenty minutes he told Tuvok everything. Awakening because of the akoonah. What he could remember of his past as an AlphaOmegan. His uncertainty over his reason for being on Voyager. The Hell of the Forest. His dead's attempted revenge on him. The fact Tuvok was not the only non-indigenous occupant of Tom's head. What he had done to Camet and Meer and of Camet's taunts. The battle to keep AlphaOmegan 41783 in check. The fight to ignore the urging of his other self to take over every tough situation Voyager found itself in and handle it with his AlphaOmegan training. His fears for the safety of not only himself and Tuvok, but everyone on the ship. The memories of what The Protectors could do to them all. When he had finished, he was drained and slumped in the desk chair.
'I have underestimated you, Mr. Paris. I never suspected you were this strong.'
'Strong?!'
'You have undergone considerable trauma in your life yet you still are able to function. That is astonishing. I am concerned however by your claims that your... dead are here with us. I have seen no evidence of them.'
'They're here somewhere. I don't know why they're being so quiet now. Camet was the same way when I was working on my plan for the Maquis. Whenever I was working on it he was silent. At the time, I thought it was because he knew when it was all over I'd be dead and he'd have my blood like they all wanted.'
'Then we came along with the parole test and revealed your plan.'
'And Camet hasn't given me any peace since. Well, until you came.'
'Mr. Paris, I believe there is no one here except us.'
'But-'
'I believe your sense of guilt over your past actions created the forest of which you speak and the voices you hear in your head. You say Camet refuses to tell you why you were sent to Voyager though he indicates you were indeed sent here. And you say that memories continue to surface and new voices are added to the chorus in your mind. I think Camet will not tell you because he cannot tell you anything that you already do not know. And the new voices are created each time more guilt is added to your already considerable catalogue of sins.'
'But Chakotay saw the forest, too. How could he have seen it if it weren't real?'
'Perhaps it was real on some plane of existence. Real because you created it. I do not fully understand this akoonah, but I am Vulcan. I do know how powerful the mind and the subconscious truly are. I have seen telekinesis, telepathy, and precognition. I have seen the Q conjure items and worlds out of nothingness. I would say either Commander Chakotay had tapped into your mind in some manner or you two actually did visit another plane in which your psyche manifested itself in this forest.'
'So you are saying Camet and the others aren't real? I made them up? Because they were real. They -'
'You may have made up their "voices" in your head, not them. Consider it your conscience talking to you. If I have learned anything about you in our near five years together and from reading your file, it is that your conscience is a highly developed part of you. Whenever you have done something wrong, you have admitted to it and not attempted to deflect the blame onto someone else.'
'Caldik Prime-'
'Yes, however, your conscience demanded you confess, did it not? I think you will find that now that you comprehend what may be happening the voices will be diminished or absent all together once I have left.'
'So if I'm feeling guilty enough to create them, why wouldn't I have sabotaged myself somewhere along the line and let everyone know everything? If I feel I need to suffer so badly, wouldn't everyone knowing me for what I really am be perfect penance?'
'How many times have you risked your life to save this ship? Why did you spend so much of your time working on your plan to free the Maquis? Why were you going to kill yourself in order to sufficiently damage your Implant to protect the others from what it might reveal? Your desire to protect others is even more developed than your conscience. You could not sabotage yourself or your plans without putting the crew at risk. You know you are their only hope when the AlphaOmegans arrive. They will have no idea of how to deal with them. You had to keep your secrets to remain in a position to protect the crew.'
Tom thought for a while. 'So now that you know, what will you do?'
'I will help you to protect this crew.'
'And what I've told you?'
'Will stay between the two of us, Lieutenant. With the exception of the assassination of Camet, Meer, and those at Camet's base, you are not to blame for anything you were ordered to do. Should you be brought up on charges for those murders which *were* your responsibility? Yes, but I do not think it is in the best interest of Voyager to have her best pilot and one of her best officers incarcerated in the Brig or confined to his quarters for the rest of the journey to the Alpha Quadrant.'
Tom was stunned. 'One of her best officers?'
'You have a definite aptitude for certain areas of Command, yes, though you do tend to engage in rather inappropriate behavior at times both on and off of duty. The Captain in particular is very confident in your abilities. She has said so to me on numerous occasions.' Tuvok chose this moment to broach a subject he felt needed to be discussed. 'In fact, that was one of the reasons for the parole simulation.'
Tom stiffened.
'Lieutenant, the Senior Staff meant no harm with the test. The intention was honorable, even if the execution was faulty. I am aware you have been told this before yet do not believe it. As we have shared memories in the form of dreams over the past few days, perhaps it is possible to share memories while we are awake as well. I can show you precisely what transpired the evening we planned the parole test and you can decide for yourself as to everyone's intentions.'
With trepidation, Tom nodded.
The entire evening was replayed for him from Tuvok's entry into the Captain's quarters to his exit some hours later. He saw and heard everything the Vulcan's well-trained mind had "recorded"... including Tuvok's role in the proceedings.
When it was over, Tom barely could suppress his shock and anger. 'You gave them the idea for it?'
'Yes, Lieutenant. I did. Had I known the true motivations behind your behavior, I might have been able to discourage their desire to help you through whatever you were experiencing. As I did not know, I took the course I felt was the best for you and in turn for the ship. You were experiencing some sort of psychological trauma. We, as your friends, did what we thought we had to do to assist your recovery from that trauma.'
The anger began to melt away. And not too soon for the Vulcan. The strain of trying to fight off the spill over from Tom's emotions was becoming too much.
'I wish it all had been real,' Tom whispered, to himself more than Tuvok. 'Then this would all be over.'
'Then you would be dead, Lieutenant. Who would keep me constantly wondering what nefarious schemes he was up to?'
Tom smiled slightly. 'Thanks a lot, Tuvok.'
'You are welcome, Mr. Paris.'
"Computer, close AlphaOmegan files."
'Lieutenant?'
'I think there are some people I need to see.'
-------
"More?"
Leaning back into her quarters' plush couch cushions, Kathryn sighed contentedly and handed over her dessert plate to her First Officer. "If I have anymore, you'll have to roll me onto the Bridge."
Grinning, Chakotay gave her a good once over with his eyes then raised an eyebrow. His expression gave her little doubt he liked what he saw however many grams the rich dessert might add to her slender frame.
She playfully slapped his arm as he rose to take their plates over to the replicator for recycling. "You came here from Engineering? How's it going down there? I haven't seen any incident reports from the Doctor so I know Seven and B'Elanna haven't come to blows yet."
He laughed. "According to Joe Carey, there haven't been any 'knock down, drag outs' yet.'"
The Captain shook her head. "Why can't those two get along?"
Chakotay rejoined her on the couch. "Oh, I can't figure it
out either. I mean B'Elanna has such a sweet and gentle temperament and Seven has such a solicitous and deferential manner."
"Okay, okay, stupid remark. So how are the design modifications coming?"
"Slow. Quite frankly I don't understand all of the technical explanation for the problems they've encountered with the original design. Something about it not being as easy to build one from scratch as you'd think even though they have the schematics for it. I told them to send you a report."
She nodded. "What about-"
The door chimed.
"Hold that thought. Come in."
The door opened and "Tom" stepped in. "Captain. Commander. My apologies for interrupting at such a late hour."
"It's all right." Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "Come in... Tom."
"Tom" was startled for a moment then smiled briefly. "Very good, Captain."
"What can I do for you?"
"I wanted to talk to you." He held up a hand when Chakotay made to rise. "Both of you."
Chakotay subsided.
Eyes everywhere but on the two people in front of him, Tom exhaled heavily. "I don't know where to begin now that I'm here. I...." His eyes finally settled on his superiors. "Tuvok and I talked about the parole test. He showed me his memories of that night here in your quarters, Captain. I know none of you meant to... I know you meant well. I'm sorry I reacted badly."
Chakotay merely nodded his acceptance of the apology.
Kathryn, instead, got to her feet and rounded the coffee table. She hugged the much taller man and after a moment he returned it. "I'm sorry, too, Tom. We never meant to hurt you. You have to know that."
For a brief moment, Tuvok was able to withstand the close contact. Then Tom began seeing flashes from Tuvok and Janeway's past. He began to understand the strong feelings of loyalty and friendship Tuvok felt for his Captain. And he began to feel them overwhelming them. Fearful of another episode like the one they suffered after Naomi's hug, Tom quickly removed himself from the hug of his pseudo-mother.
Seeing the disturbed look on "Tom's" face, she just as quickly stepped back. "Sorry, Tuvok."
"It is all right, Captain," Tuvok responded with an effort to sound normal.
There was a moment's silence then Tom reappeared. "If you two will excuse us?" he asked. "We have a couple of other people I need to apologize to."
"Tom, before you go?" Kathryn stopped him. "I showed B'Elanna some of the parole test recording. I don't know if she has seen all of it though. The letter you gave Chakotay to give to her, no one's read it. She told me to return it to you unread."
"I see. Good night, Captain. Commander."
Chakotay laid a hand on her shoulder as the doors closed behind "Tom." She reached up and laid her own over it.
-------
"Seven, may I speak with you?"
Seven of Nine stepped out of her alcove and nodded her head. "Commander. Lieutenant."
"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry about how I reacted in the turbolift, Seven. You wanted to talk about how you felt and I brushed you off. I don't wish you to feel uncomfortable anymore either. I understand now the motivations behind what happened a few weeks ago and the Captain was right. You all did mean well."
"Are you saying you forgive me, Lieutenant?"
"If you will forgive me for my attitude towards you."
"I have noticed humans tend to pout when they feel slighted. You merely were acting in character for your species. There is nothing to forgive."
With the exception of times in Naomi's presence, he had not laughed in weeks. Now he felt laughter bubble up within him. "Seven, remind me sometime to have a long chat with you about the fine art of accepting someone's apology."
"As you wish, Lieutenant."
Tom gave her a smile then departed.
-------
Harry Kim felt an apology on the tip of his tongue when he saw who stood outside of his door. The only thing which kept it in was Chakotay's insistence he not tell Tom about what had happened with B'Elanna and B'Elanna's having told him the same. Harry's honest nature riled at the idea of such deception whether he agreed with the need for protecting Tom's delicate feelings or not.
"May I come in, Harry?"
"Tom?"
"Well, you had a fifty-fifty chance of being right and darned if you aren't."
The ensign grinned and stepped aside.
"Tom" stopped in the middle of the sitting room. "Harry, we have to talk about the parole test." He went on to explain about how Tuvok had shared his memory of it and how Tom now understood things better than he had. He finished with attempting to ask forgiveness for his behavior.
Harry had other ideas. "That's it?" he demanded angrily. "You say you're sorry, that you understand why what happened happened and I'm supposed to say 'that's okay, Tom' and that's that? Well, that's not going to cut it, Paris."
Tom was taken aback. "You're angry," he said rather stupidly.
"You're damned right I'm angry. You were off playing white knight, yet again, and not giving a single thought to yourself. You were so busy trying to save people who just might not even need saving that you never gave much thought to yourself!"
"Harry-"
"You should have gone with the Maquis where you would have been safe."
"I couldn't."
"Don't give me the line about some people who want you dead. Didn't you ever think they could all have been dead long ago? Or they might not care anymore about whatever you did or didn't do."
"They still are around and they still care, Harry."
"Then all the more reason for you to have gone. What was so important that you had to stay behind?! What did you plan to do, anyway? Meekly go back to prison? Hope Starfleet would take you back? That wouldn't have saved you from these mysterious people."
"Harry, I know you're angry-"
"Damned right, I'm angry," he repeated. "I'm angry because you seem to have as much sense of self-preservation as that chair does at times. And I'm angry because I am your best friend and I tell you practically everything yet when you need me, when you could have used my help, you pull away and won't confide in me. I could have been there for you.
I could have helped you with your plan. I could have-"
"You're angry because I didn't let you help with my plan?"
Harry did not answer. He did not have to.
Tom reached out to smooth back Harry's hair. "I had to leave you out of the loop, Harry, because I couldn't do otherwise to you. You have your whole career ahead of you. I couldn't let you risk it for one of my crazy schemes. I couldn't ruin your life like that."
"I am not a child! I am a Starfleet Ensign who can take care of himself. You don't have to keep protecting me."
The pilot shook his head, only fear of adversely affecting Tuvok keeping the tears at bay. "But I do, Harry," he whispered. "You're my opposite, Harry Kim. You're the good one. I can't make up for all of the mistakes I've made, but maybe I can keep you from making them. That's why I *have* to protect you. Sometimes that mission in life is the only thing that keeps me from giving up."
Tom's admission was the saddest thing Harry ever had heard. He knew instantly it also was the most truthful. He was about to reach out to hug his friend, to try to make some of the hurt go away when Tom stroked the thick black hair one last time then left the quarters without a word.
Unable to keep it in any longer, Harry sank to the carpet and cried for his friend.
-------
Neelix was tired, but happy. He had put in a hard day's work creating feasts fit for the L'Dryl, advising the Captain on a few matters, and solving a few romantic conundrums along the way. All in all, a highly successful day, if he did say so himself. The only thing marring it was the one romantic problem he could not solve -- Tom and Lieutenant Torres. No matter how long or how hard he pondered the situation of his friends, he still could not come up with an answer for the sad young woman currently sitting at the table in the half-illumination gloom of the Me
ss Hall.
From where he stood behind the serving counter, he could see her clearly at her and Tom's table on the highest level of the room. Allegedly, she was studying the padd in her hand though more often than not she was staring out of the windows. The Universe just wasn't fair, he thought. Two people, so happy one minute, so devastated the next.
He picked up a plate of her favorite cookies and a raktajino he had replicated for her and walked up to his only customer. "How about a little snack, Lieutenant?" he asked, setting the cup and plate beside her.
B'Elanna literally jumped, sending the padd skittering to the floor in the process. "Neelix! It's the middle of the Gamma shift. What are you still doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep." He handed her padd as he sent her a pointed look. "Like you, I suspect."
"Yes."
"Ah." He sat down opposite her. "I'll bet I can guess why. A certain pilot perhaps?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Well, when I came up behind you, I noticed the padd you were reading was upside down and you hadn't moved in over five minutes."
She half-smiled.
"It is Tom, isn't it?"
She held up a hand. "Let me save you the trouble of saying it, Neelix. Yes, I do understand why he did what he did. Yes, have realized I need to forgive him for what happened. No, I haven't talked to him. And yes, Tuvok's presence makes talking to Tom extremely awkward."
"I see I am not the first who has talked to you about this," he smiled.
"Try about the fourth."
"Well, I think perhaps Tom's... having a companion might not be the stumbling block you might think it is. I think somewhere, deep down inside, Mr. Vulcan is a true romantic."
"Oh, Neelix, you really need to learn more about Vulcans. They don't have any concept of romance. It's not logical."