XV. A FIRST LESSON
I do not know how long I lay there lost to sight and sense, but when I came to myself, I was in a quiet, shadowy place, like a kind of little hermitage, with a window opening out upon the sea. I was lying on a couch, with the veil I had worn still covering me, and as I opened my eyes and looked about me I saw that it was night, and that the moon was tracing a silver network of beams across the waves. There was a delicious fragrance on the air — it came from a group of roses set in a tall crystal vase close to where I lay. Then, as I gradually regained full knowledge of my own existence, I perceived a table in the room with a lamp burning upon it, and at the table sat no less a personage than Aselzion himself, reading. I was so amazed at the sight of him that for the moment I lay inert, afraid to move — for I was almost sure I had incurred his displeasure — till suddenly, with the feeling of a child seeking pardon for an offence, I sprang up and ran to him, throwing myself on my knees at his feet.
“Aselzion, forgive me!” I murmured— “I have done wrong — I had no right to go so far—”
He turned his eyes upon me, smiling, and took me gently by the hands.
“Who denies your right to go far if you have the strength and courage?” — he said— “Dear child, I have nothing to forgive! You are the maker of your own destiny! But you have been bold! — though you are a mere woman you have dared to do what few men attempt. This is the power of love within you — that perfect love which casteth out fear! You risked a danger which has not harmed you — you have come out of it unscathed, — so may it be with every ordeal through which you may yet be tried as by fire!”
He raised me from where I knelt, — but I still held his hands.
“I could not help it!” I said— “Your command for me was ‘silence and solitude’ — and in that silence and solitude I remained while I watched you all, — and I heard everything that was said — this was your wish and order. And when you all went away, the silence and solitude would have been the same but for that Cross and Star! THEY seemed to speak! — to call me — to draw me to them — and I went — hardly knowing why, yet feeling that I MUST go! — and then—”
Aselzion pressed my hands gently.
“Then the Light claimed its own,” — he said— “and courage had its reward! The door of your recess in the chapel was opened by my instructions, — I wished to see what you would do. You have no conception as yet of what you HAVE done! — but that does not matter. You have passed one test successfully — for had you remained passive in your place till someone came to remove you, I should have known you for a creature of weak will and transitory impulses. But you are stronger than I thought — so to-night I have come to give you your first lesson.”
“My first lesson!” I repeated the words after him wonderingly as he let go my hands and put me gently into a chair which I had not perceived but which stood in the shadow cast by the lamp almost immediately opposite to him.
“Yes! — your first lesson!” he answered, smiling gravely— “The first lesson in what you have come here to learn, — the perpetuation of your life on earth for just so long as you desire it — the secret which gives to Rafel Santoris his youth and strength and power, as well as his governance over certain elemental forces. But first take this” — and he poured out from a quaintly shaped flask a full glass of deep red-coloured wine— “This is no magic potion — it is simply a form of nourishment which will be safer for you than solid food, — and I know you have eaten nothing all day since your light breakfast. Drink it all — every drop!”
I obeyed — it seemed tasteless and strengthless, like pure water.
“Now” — he continued— “I will put before you a very simple illustration of the truth which underlies all Nature. If you were taken into a vast plain, and there saw two opposing armies, the one actuated by a passion for destruction, the other moved only by a desire for good, you would naturally wish the latter force to win, would you not?”
I answered “Yes” at once, without hesitation.
“But suppose” — he went on— “that BOTH armies were actuated by good, and that the object of the destroying force was only to break down what was effete and mischievous, in order to build it up again in stronger and nobler forms, while the aim of the other was to strictly preserve and maintain the advantages it possessed, which side would then have your sympathy?”
I tried to think, but could not instantly determine.
“Here is your point of hesitation,” — he said— “and here the usual limit of human comprehension. Both forces are good, — but as a rule we can only side with one. We name that one Life, — the other Death. We think Life alone stands for what is living, and that Death is a kind of cessation of Life instead of being one of Life’s most active forms. The Universe is entirely composed of these two fighting forces — we call them good and evil — but there is no evil-there is only a destruction of what MIGHT be harmful if allowed to exist. To put it clearly, the million millions of atoms and electrons which compose the everlasting elements of Spirit and Matter are dual — that is to say, of two kinds — those which preserve their state of equilibrium, and those whose work is to disintegrate, in order to build up again. As with the Universe, so with the composition of a human being. In you, as in myself, there exist these two forces — and our souls are, so to speak, placed on guard between them. The one set of atoms is prepared to maintain the equilibrium of health and life, but if through the neglect and unwatchfulness of the sentinel Soul any of them are allowed to become disused and effete, the other set, whose business it is to disintegrate whatever is faulty and useless for the purpose of renewing it in better form, begins to work — and this disintegrating process is our conception of decay and death. Yet, as a matter of fact, such process cannot even BEGIN without our consent and collusion. Life can be retained in our possession for an indefinite period on this earth, — but it can only be done through our own actions — our own wish and will.”
I looked at him questioningly.
“One may wish and will many things,” — I said— “But the result is not always successful.”
“Is that your experience?” he asked, bending his keen eyes full upon me— “You know, if you are true to yourself, that no power can resist the insistence of a strong Will brought steadily to bear on any intention. If the effort fails, it is only because the Will has hesitated. What have you made of some of your past lives — you and your lover both — through hesitation at a supreme moment!”
I looked at him appealingly.
“If we made mistakes, could we altogether help it?” I asked— “Does it not seem that we tried for the best?”
He smiled slightly.
“No, it does not seem so to me,” — he replied— “The mainspring of your various previous existences, — the law of attraction drawing you together was, and is, Love. This you fought against as though it were a crime, and in many cases you obeyed the temporary conventionalities of man rather than the unchanging ordinance of God. And now — divided as you have been — lost as you have been in endless whirlpools of infinitude, you are brought together again — and though your lover has ceased to question, you have not ceased to doubt!”
“I do not doubt!” I exclaimed, suddenly, and with passion— “I love him with all my soul! — I will never lose him again!”
Aselzion looked at me questioningly.
“How do you know you have not lost him already?” he said.
At this a sudden wave of despair swept over me — a chill sense of emptiness and desolation. Could it be possible that my own rashness and selfishness had again separated me from my beloved? — for so I now called him in my heart — had I by some foolish, distrustful thought estranged him once more from my soul? The rising tears choked me — I rose from my seat, hardly knowing what I did, and went to the window for air — Aselzion followed me and laid his hand gently on my shoulder.
“It is not so difficult to win love as to keep it!” — he said— “Mi
sunderstanding, and want of quick sympathy, end in heart-break and separation. And this is far worse than what mortals call death.”
The burning tears fell slowly from my eyes — every word seemed to pierce my heart — I looked yearningly out on the sea, rippling under the moon. I thought of the day, barely a week ago, when Rafel stood beside me, his hand clasping mine, — such a little division of time seemed to have elapsed since we were together, and yet how long! At last I spoke —
“I would rather die, if death were possible, than lose his love” — I said— “And where there is no love, surely there must be death?”
Aselzion sighed.
“Poor child! Now you understand why the lonely Soul hurls itself wildly from one phase of existence to another till it finds its true mate!” — he answered— “You say truly that where there is no love there is no real life. It is merely a semi-conscious existence. But you have no cause to grieve — not now, — not if you are firm and faithful. Rafel Santoris is safe and well — and his soul is so much with you — you are so constantly in his thoughts, that it is as if he were himself here — see!”
And he placed his two hands for a moment over my eyes and then removed them. I uttered a cry of ecstasy — for there before me on the moonlit water I saw the ‘Dream’! — her sails glittering with light, and her aerial shape clearly defined against the sky! Oh, how I longed to fly across the strip of water which alone seemed to divide us! — and once more to stand on the deck beside him whom I now loved more than my very hopes of heaven! But I knew it was only a vision conjured up before me by the magic of Aselzion, — a magic used gently for my sake, to help and comfort me in a moment of sadness and heart’s longing. And I watched, knowing that the picture must fade, — as it slowly did, — vanishing like a rainbow in a swirl of cloud.
“It is indeed a ‘Dream’!” I said, smiling faintly, as I turned again to Aselzion— “I pray that love itself may never be so fleeting!”
“If love is fleeting, it is not love!” — he answered— “As ephemeral passion called by that name is the ordinary sort of attraction existing between ordinary men and women, — men, who see no farther than the gratification of a desire, and women, who see no higher than the yielding to that desire. Men who love in the highest and most faithful meaning of the term, are much rarer than women, — women are very near the divine in love when it is first awakened in them — if afterwards they sink to a lower level, it is generally the men who have dragged them down. Unless a man is bent on the highest, he is apt to settle on the lowest — whereas a woman generally soars to the highest ideals at first in the blind instinct of a Soul seeking its mate — how often she is hurled back from the empyrean only the angels know! Not to all is given power to master and control the life-forces — and it is this I would have you understand before I leave you to-night. I can teach you the way to hold your life safely above all disintegrating elements — but the learning of the lesson rests with yourself.”
He sat down, and I resumed my place in the chair opposite to him, prepared to hear him with the closest attention. There were a few things on the table which I had not previously noticed, and one of these was a circular object covered with a cloth. He removed this covering, and showed me a crystal globe which appeared to be full of some strange volatile fluid, clear in itself, but intersected with endless floating brilliant dots and lines.
“Look well at this” — he said— “for here you have a very simple manifestation of a great truth. These dots and lines which you observe perpetually in motion are an epitome of what is going on in the composition of every human being. Some of them, as you see, go in different directions, yet meet and mingle with each other at various points of convergence — then again become separated. They are the building-up and the disintegrating forces of the whole cosmos — and — mark this well! — they are all, when unimprisoned, directed by a governing will-power. You, in your present state of existence, are simply an organised Form, composed of these atoms, and your will-power, which is part of the Divine creative influence, is set within you to govern them. If you govern them properly, the building-up and revivifying atoms within you obey your command, and with increasing strength gradually control and subdue their disintegrating opponents, — opponents which after all are only their servants, ready to disencumber them from all that is worthless and useless at the first sign of disablement. There is nothing more simple than this law, which has only to be followed in order to preserve both life and youth. It s all contained in an effort of the WILL, to which everything in Nature responds, just as a well-steered ship obeys the compass. Remember this well! — I say, EVERYTHING IN NATURE! This crystal globe holds momentarily imprisoned atoms which cannot just now be directed because they are shut in, away from all Will to govern them — but if I left them as they are for a few more hours their force would shatter the crystal, and they would escape to resume their appointed way. They are only shown to you as an object lesson, to prove that such things ARE — they are facts, not dreams. You, like this crystal globe, are full of imprisoned atoms — atoms of Spirit and Matter which work together to make you what you are — but you have also the governing Will which is meant to control them and move them either to support, sustain and revivify you, or else to weaken, break down and finally disperse and disintegrate you, preparatory to your assumption of another form and phase of existence. Now, do you begin to understand?”
“I think I do,” — I answered— “But is it possible always to make this effort of the Will?”
“There is no moment in which you do not, consciously or subconsciously, ‘will’ something” — he answered— “And the amount of power you use up in ‘willing’ perfectly trifling and ephemeral things, could almost lift a planet! But let us take simple actions — such as raising a hand. You think this movement instinctive or mechanical — but it is only because you WILL to raise it that you can do it. If you willed NOT to raise it, it could not raise itself OF itself. This tremendous force, — this divine gift of will-power, is hardly exercised at all by the majority of men and women — hence their manner of drifting here and there — their pliable yielding to this or that opinion — the easy sway obtained over the million by a few leaders and reformers — the infectious follies which possess whole communities at a time — the caprices of fashion — the moods of society — all these are due to scattered will-power, which if concentrated would indeed ‘replenish the earth and subdue it.’ But we cannot teach the world, and therefore we must be content to teach and train a few individuals only. And when you ask if it is possible always to make the necessary effort of will, I answer yes, — of course it is possible. The secret of it all is to resolve upon a firm attitude and maintain it. If you encourage thoughts of fear, hesitation, disease, trouble, decay, incompetency, failure and feebleness, you at once give an impetus to the disintegrating forces within you to begin their work — and you gradually become ill, timorous, and diseased in mind and body. If, on the contrary, your thoughts are centred on health, vitality, youth, joy, love and creativeness, you encourage all the revivifying elements of your system to build up new nerve tissue and fresh brain cells, as well as to make new blood. No scientist has ever really discovered any logical cause why human beings should die — they are apparently intended to live for an indefinite period. It is they themselves who kill themselves, — even so-called ‘accidents’ are usually the result of their own carelessness, recklessness or inattention to warning circumstance. I am trying to put all this as simply as I can to you, — there are hundreds of books which you might study, in which the very manner of expression is so abstruse and involved that even the most cultured intelligence can scarcely grasp it, — but what I have told you is perfectly easy of comprehension, — the only difficulty lies in its practical application. To-night, therefore, and for the remainder of the time you are here, you will enter upon certain tests and trials of your will-force — and the result of these will prove whether you are strong enough to be successful in your que
st of life and youth and love. If you are capable of maintaining the true attitude, — if you can find and keep the real centre-poise of the Divine Image within you, all will be well. And remember, that if you once learn how to govern and control the atomic forces within yourself, you will equally govern and control all atomic forces which come within your atmosphere. This gives you what would be called by the ignorant ‘miraculous’ power, though it is no miracle. It is nothing more than the attitude of Spirit controlling Matter. You will find yourself not only able to govern your own forces but also to draw upon Nature for fresh supplies — the air, the sunshine, the trees, the flowers, will give you all they have to give on demand — and nothing shall be refused to you. ‘Ask, and ye shall receive — seek, and ye shall find — knock, and it shall be opened unto you.’ Naturally the law is, that what you receive you must give out again in an ungrudging outflow of love and generosity and beneficence and sympathy, not only towards mankind but to everything that lives — for as you are told— ‘Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down and shaken together and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal, it shall be measured to you again.’ These sayings of our greatest Master are heard so often that they are considered by many people almost trite and commonplace, — but they hold a truth from which we cannot escape. Even such a little matter as a kind word is paid back to the one who uttered it with a double interest of kindness, while a cruel or coarse one carries its own punishment. Those who take without giving are generally unsuccessful in their lives and aims — while those who give without taking appear to be miraculously served by both fame and fortune, — this being merely the enactment of the spiritual law.”
Delphi Collected Works of Marie Corelli (Illustrated) (Delphi Series Eight Book 22) Page 785