by Kahlen Aymes
“Uh, yeah, like you should do to Ryan.” My eyes widened at her sarcasm. “You want him so take him. He won’t say no.”
“Ryan and I are friends. God, Jen!” I shook my head and tried to brush her off, but Ellie shot her a look through the reflection in the mirror.
“Yeah, and I’m Mother Theresa. You two are hotter than hell for each other, so do something about it already. I don’t know how you made it this long! He’s gorgeous.”
My heart sped up. It wasn’t as if I’d never thought about what it would feel like to make love with him, but I knew if I let myself be with him that way, I’d just end up with a broken heart. I loved him, but to give myself like that, surrender my heart, soul and body, would be my undoing. If it didn’t work out, I would never recover.
Ellie squeezed my shoulders lightly. “Look, Julia, you didn’t dress up like this for the bartenders, right? Don’t waste the time you have left with him, and don’t lie to us. We know you’re in love with him.”
I tried to laugh it off. “Oh, really?”
“You hardly date and when you do, Ryan hates them and you drop the poor guys like hot potatoes. He hardly dates either. If you ask me that is a serious waste of a man. He should be getting it every night, he’s so delicious!” Jenna insisted.
“I’ll tell Aaron you said that, Jen.” I felt annoyed, the heat in my face burned. “I guess we just haven’t found the right person.”
Jen rolled her eyes and Ellie laughed as she fluffed my hair and sprayed it with a mist of hairspray.
“Uh, okay, Julia! Or, maybe the right one is right in front of you.” Ellie hugged me as she said it, but my eyes welled with tears.
“I can’t do this now, you guys. I’ll miss him so much it’s ridiculous. I can’t confuse the issue by trying to make it into more than it is. He’s my best friend.”
“We know that, honey. But there’s more to it,” Ellie murmured quietly.
I dabbed my eyes, trying to pull it together before I ruined the makeup I’d spent more time on because I wanted Ryan to remember me like this. I’d chosen a short black dress with a fitted black suede blazer, stockings, knee-high boots and silver hoop earrings. I definitely looked like a woman.
Yes, there was more. I loved him so much I couldn’t breathe. I dreamed of him touching and making love to me. I felt like he was mine. Over the years when he’d gone out with other girls; I’d felt sick, crying myself to sleep on countless occasions, never letting him know I wanted anything more from him than friendship. I wouldn’t be one of those girls he dated a couple of times, slept with and then left abandoned.
You couldn’t even call them girlfriends. They passed through his life like rain, but I remained constant. He sought me out…the one he spent time with. I had the best part of him, the real part. I knew him and he confided in me about everything. I didn’t want to trade that in for a fling.
“Can we just have fun tonight? I can’t think about this now, okay? I want to find someone to dance with me.”
Jen raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. “You mean some poor sap that will have his ass handed to him when Ryan gets jealous? You’re evil, Julia,” Jenna said as she went to open the door for the boys.
“And you’re delusional, Jen,” I said quietly right before Aaron’s voice filled the hall as we walked out of the bedroom.
“Oh, no honey, you’ve got that backwards.”
Aaron looked handsome in jeans and a long sleeve white t-shirt, but he was alone.
I paused, “Where’s Ryan?”
“He drove himself tonight. He’s sort of out of it, Jules. You two should talk,” he said before he kissed Jen on the cheek and helped us all on with our coats. “I’m one lucky bastard! Three beautiful women on my arm tonight; I must have died and gone to heaven.”
“Keep it up and you’ll wake up and find yourself in Hell,” Jenna teased. Aaron laughed out loud.
*****
Ryan’s black CRV was already parked when we arrived and he was waiting in the foyer. His eyes ran over me like a caress, making me uneasy, yet excited.
“Hey, did you have to wait long?”
His fingers closed around mine, the heat from his hands searing my skin. “It was worth it. You look amazing.”
“Thanks, you do too.” He wore all black, jeans, t-shirt and blazer. His golden brown hair was wild and messy, like someone had just run their hands through it a million times. As if on cue, his hand swiped through the side of it and I smiled.
“What? Why are you smiling?”
“Because, it’s better than crying.” I stopped, realizing too late, as he raised his brows in question. “Uh…I mean, I think it’s amazing how you constantly play with your hair and it still looks incredible. It’s not fair.”
Dinner progressed uneventfully and I didn’t have a chance to talk to Ryan alone. It would be difficult at the club, too, due to the din of the crowd and music. We found a table near the dance floor and Ryan and I slid into the two chairs nearest the wall. Aaron and Jen were across from us, and Ellie rushed away to find Harris.
The band was just setting up so there was only background music playing. Ryan was leaning into me as he often did, our shoulders touching. The musky smell of his cologne enveloped me and the candles on the tables flickering across his features made my breath stop. I had to remind myself to breathe.
He was so incredibly beautiful. Over the last three years, I’d often wondered how any man could be that breathtaking; so intelligent, caring and talented and still be single. He had women dropping their panties at every opportunity, but he’d never had a steady girlfriend in all the time I’d known him.
“Julia…” He turned to me. My eyes dropped to his perfect mouth and I was mesmerized.
I shook my head a little to bring myself back. “Uh…We should do some shots. Let’s get the party started.” I flagged the waitress as she passed our table.
“Hi, can we get ten lemon drops, please?” I smiled at the woman who was looking Ryan over, very obvious in her attempts to get him to notice her. “Hmmph!” I let my air out in a rush of disgust. For all she knew, Ryan was my boyfriend and she was blatantly flirting with him in front of me. “Uh, the drinks?” I raised my eyebrows pointedly, until she nodded and moved off toward the bar.
Ryan was looking at me with a strange expression, smiling slightly and studying.
“What are you looking at? Do I have something between my teeth?” I smiled and raised a hand to my mouth.
He grinned, shaking his head. “Julia, you’re acting funny. What is it?” He brushed a stray piece of hair back from my face.
I looked down, my hands fiddling with a napkin on the table. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to,” I said softly so that only he could hear.
“I think we might need to talk, hmmm?” his velvet voice rumbled around me and vibrated on my skin. He was leaning close and his hot breath washed over my face. I swallowed hard.
“We always talk, Ryan. About everything, don’t we?” I shot a glance up at his eyes, but couldn’t hold his gaze.
“Do we?” He leaned in further still and stared into my face.
I used the band as an excuse to divert my attention. The music had started and I was thankful that it was harder to talk, so I nodded. Ryan leaned back against the wall as he continued to watch me intently.
When the shots arrived, I called Ellie over to the table. Ryan reached for his wallet and I stopped him. “No, you aren’t paying tonight. This party is for you and Aaron. We’re celebrating!” I opened my purse and took out two twenty-dollar bills to give to the waitress.
I set two shots in front of each of us and picked one up.
“A toast. To my two favorite men in the world! I know you’ll set the world of medicine on its ass. I love you both.” I felt tears welling as I looked into Ryan’s blue eyes. He wasn’t smiling and looked like he was struggling for words.
“Hear, hear!” Jen said, as our glasses clinked together.
Ellie choked
on her drink and made a funny face. “Ewww,” she murmured before setting the glass down and going back to the stage.
I turned to Ryan and touched my glass to his. “I really am very proud of you.” His eyes never left mine as we downed the shots. The tension between us was palpable. Aaron and Jen shifted in their seats uneasily, turning their backs to give us some privacy.
I set down my glass and reached for another one, but Ryan’s hand closed over mine.
“Don’t go so fast, Julia. I don’t want to get drunk tonight.”
“Well, maybe I do.”
“No. Not tonight. We need to talk.”
I sat back down. “Come on, Ryan, I already told you I’d make both those damn desserts!”
“Julia,” he said seriously, ignoring my attempted diversion. Our eyes locked.
“I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.” I prayed he didn’t hear the trembling in my voice.
His hand moved up and down my back as understanding dawned in his face. The music got slower and his hand slid to mine.
“Okay. Then will you dance with me?”
I gasped softly. In all the time we’d known each other, we’d never danced. At least, not slow dancing. I didn’t know what to say. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t place; they were darker, his gaze more intense. I was unsure if I could handle being in his arms and not show him how I really felt.
Ryan didn’t wait for me to answer and simply pulled me up with him. His strong arm moved around the back of my waist as he turned me toward the dance floor. He folded me into his arms and mine slid up his chest around his neck. Ryan let his breath out as he pulled me closer. My knees went weak and I leaned into him as my heart began to race. I’d dreamed of being next to him like this, so many times, but the warmth and closeness felt better than I’d ever imagined.
“Oh, Julia…” he breathed against my hair and I twined my fingers through the soft strands at his nape as our bodies swayed together perfectly, like we’d been dancing together for years. His nose was nuzzling against me and I felt his lips at my temple. I couldn’t help it. I closed my eyes and sucked in my breath.
“Ryan…I’m…”
He stopped me, “Shhh…just dance with me. Don’t talk. Not right now.”
He held me closer, one hand settled on the small of my back while the other moved up between my shoulder blades. His hand fisted in the material of my dress underneath my jacket and he pressed his soft lips to the skin below my ear.
It was extremely intimate and felt like heaven, but left me confused. What was happening between us? Were things changing and did I want them to? Should I let myself melt into him as I ached to do?
Ryan would leave in a few months. That was a fact and I didn’t know where I’d be going. I didn’t want to end up in bed with him only to never see him again and left with a broken heart.
“I don’t want to go, Julia. I don’t know if I can do this…” he whispered against my neck. My heart dropped as his words echoed my thoughts. Jen and Aaron were on the dance floor by now and she winked at me. I attempted a weak smile in return, but the emotions welling within me made it impossible.
Ryan’s hand on my upper back slid up underneath the curtain of my hair to hold my head, as his mouth barely brushed across mine. Electricity shot through my entire body and all I wanted was to deepen the kiss, to open my mouth to his and taste him. “I can’t leave…” he whispered again.
I rested my forehead against his cheek and tried to steady my breathing before I pushed back a little so I could look into his face. I couldn’t let him throw away his dream.
“What?! You can and you will, Ryan!” I could see the conflict flash across his features before he quickly tried to hide it from me, his jaw setting as he looked down at me.
I took his hand and pulled him behind me back to the table, slamming my other drink before holding his up to him. Obediently, he downed it before reclaiming my hand.
I grabbed my purse and led him from the club.
“Where’s your car?” I asked impatiently as I began to shiver, my coat left behind in my rush to get Ryan alone.
Roles reversed suddenly, as he was the one pulling me with him toward the other end of the lot. When we got to his car, he shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders before opening the passenger door and ushering me inside.
He went around the front of the vehicle as I watched, then got in and started the engine, turning the heater on full blast. He was breathing heavier as he turned toward me and took my hand.
I shook my head as I searched his features. “What’s this about?”
He sighed. “Didn’t you say that you didn’t want to talk?” his brow dropped and I could see his struggle as different emotions flooded his features.
“You obviously need to and I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I weren’t willing to listen. We’ve always been able to talk about anything, so this should be no different, right?”
He brought his eyes back to mine. “Yeah,” he said softly. I sat back and waited for him to continue. “I guess…I’m having second thoughts about going to Boston.”
“But…why? I know how badly you’ve wanted this, Ryan. Now you have it.” I squeezed his hand. “You shouldn’t let anything distract you from this.” When he shrugged, I pressed him to tell me the truth. “This is me. Julia. Tell me. Whatever it is, just fucking say it, Ryan.”
“It’s…well, it’s you. It’s…us.” I felt like the air had been sucked from my lungs and I needed a minute to digest his words. “Julia, I don’t know if I can be so far away from you. I’ll…miss you. You’re so important to me.”
I felt tears start in my eyes and I struggled to blink them back as I looked straight ahead out the front window. Finally, I turned toward him, trying to swallow the rising lump in my throat.
“I feel the same way. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, but that isn’t going to change. I’m still here if you need me. We’ll talk and see each other on breaks and holidays. Hell, I don’t even know where I’ll be yet. Ellie and I have applied all over.”
He leaned forward onto the steering wheel as he gazed out the window. “I know,” he said so softly I barely heard him.
“I’m going to miss you, too, but you have to do this. It’s the thing you’ve wanted most, isn’t it?” I was silently dying inside because I wanted him near me so badly but I had to convince him to go to Boston.
“I thought so, but when I got the letter, all I could think about was leaving you. Not…seeing you every day.”
“Oh, Ryan,” I laid a hand on his back and rested my forehead on his shoulder. We sat like that for a few minutes before he took a deep breath and continued.
“I’m feeling more for you…and I want…” he began.
I moved back and put up a hand to stop him. “No, don’t! We can’t change our relationship right before you leave, Ryan. Don’t you see that?” I felt a tear escape and tried to brush it away before he noticed. “It’s uncertainty that’s making you feel this way, and I’m not willing…”
He stiffened and pulled away. I could feel him closing down.
“Please let me finish,” I pleaded. The hurt behind his eyes made my heart ache. “I’m not willing to risk losing you in my life because we’re both confused by the situation. You mean too much to me.”
“Do you think I’m feeling these things because I’m fucking leaving? I’ve been feeling them, Julia! Holding you in there, it’s what I’ve been wanting and it felt so right, didn’t it? Was I dreaming?”
“No.” I was shaking, and I wrapped my arms around my body. “I’ve…felt things for you too, but now isn’t the time to change things between us. We’ve both got so many changes happening right now; we need the constant of each other. God, if something went wrong, being so far apart, we’d never be the same. I can’t risk that, Ryan, I can’t. And…it will be difficult enough, without…complicating everything. I need you.” Tears dripped from my traitorous eyes.
“Then let’s not. You are the one person I can’t do without, Ryan. These other feelings will probably pass. You’ll be caught up in your classes and I’ll be trying to start a new career, but we’ll still be in touch every day, I promise. I won’t let you waste this opportunity.”
“And if the feelings don’t pass?” he asked softly as his thumb rubbed across the top of my hand.
“Then we’ll do what we always do. We’ll deal. Together.” I snuffled and wiped at my tears. “Gross, huh?” I laughed.
He shook his head and swallowed me up in his big arms, holding me so tight it felt like he’d never let me go. “No. Beautiful.”
~2~
“Ryan!” my mother called from the kitchen. She and my dad were visiting from Chicago to help Aaron and I pack up. I was putting clothes in boxes and sorting out the ones I wanted to give to charity.
Aaron and I had flown to Boston a month earlier to find an apartment, but it was a small two bedroom with very little closet space. It would be cramped, but my dad argued that all we needed were two beds, two desks and lots of dedication.
He would know. He’d gone there 30 years before and now he was the top neurosurgeon in Chicago. After he graduated, he chose to go back to his hometown to be with his friends, family and, of course, my mother, Elyse.
I threw down the shirt I was folding into an open cardboard box before I went to see what she needed.
“What is it, Mom?” I asked. She had numerous boxes all around and the smell of black magic marker hit me square in the face as she wrote kitchen and fragile on one of them.
“Well, what are all these things? Should I throw them out?” She looked at me with a ridiculous grin on her face as she held up an assortment of koozies Aaron and I had collected over the past four years at concerts and frat parties.
“Those are to keep beer, uh…pop cold, Mom.” I smiled at her when she raised her eyebrow at me. “We don’t need them, but Aaron might argue the point since they’re mostly his anyway.”