by Kahlen Aymes
“Ryan…” she whispered achingly.
“Shh…It’s okay. It will work out, baby. I told Aaron the night I came back from that first Thanksgiving weekend that I could feel the love you have for me, how I feel it seep right into my skin. That’s what I want you to feel, too. Nothing will ever come between us. I won’t let it.”
“I do feel it, Ryan. I know how much you love me. I don’t deserve you,” she whispered brokenly.
I smiled softly and nuzzled gently against her face, my hands ghosting over her breasts as she arched into me and I rolled over on top of her. I was thinking of the words we’d said to each other in the past, so I said them again.
“You deserve whatever I decide to give you and I want to give you everything. Just don’t forget to remember me, and we’ll be okay. Don’t forget how much I love you…”
~12~
“Ellie!” I called as I folded the last load of laundry. “What are you doing in there?” She came to spend a long weekend before I headed to Paris. I sighed, full of melancholy. This was a fantastic opportunity and I kept telling myself that I’d be too busy to miss New York, to miss my friends. To miss…Ryan.
I glanced up as she walked down the hall holding a suit that she’d given me three years ago, clicking her tongue and shaking her head in disapproval.
“Please tell me you aren’t taking this old thing to Paris, Julia.”
My mouth quirked at the corners and I stood to take it from her. “I like this suit.”
“You can’t go to the fashion capital of the world and wear out-of-date rags,” she admonished with a roll of her eyes.
“Yeah,” I said quietly, preoccupied with my impending departure.
Ellie sat on the couch, watching me resume folding clothes. Her eyes followed my movements and then flashed to my face. She leaned forward and halted my movements with her hand. “Julia, it’s only a few months.”
I shrugged. “I keep telling myself that, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. And, Ryan…” I threw the clothes back on the couch and leaned back, crossing my arms.
“He isn’t taking it so well?” Ellie asked cautiously, picking up the shirt I’d tossed and finished folding it.
“Every time we talk, I can hear it in his voice. He tries to hide it, but he’s miserable. I want to run to him and tell him nothing is more important to me than he is. He’s my whole world.”
“I know, babes, but this is an amazing opportunity. Telling Meredith no would be like a slap in her face. You’d be without him for a few more months anyway, right?”
“About three, yeah, but now it’ll be at least twice that.” I felt my throat tighten. “It’s killing us both.”
Ellie smiled weakly. “You go out there and have fun. Time will fly by.”
I scowled at her. How the hell did she know what it was like?
“Imagine what it would be like if you had to be away from Harris for four years, Ellie. Then; he came to you and told you that it would be longer,” I said, rising and rushing into the kitchen. “Would you feel like crap?” I suddenly felt dizzy and placed a hand out to brace myself. “Uhhh…”
Ellie followed me into the kitchen, coming up beside me as I placed a hand to my head. “Are you okay, Julia? Are you sick?”
“No. I mean, I feel fine. I just had a head rush. I got up too fast.” I turned back to her. “Do you want a drink?”
“What ya got?” She plopped on one of the stools by the bar. She looked gorgeous. Her hair was longer, almost past her shoulders.
“Um…I have red wine, beer, Coke and bottled water. Which?”
“Wine, duh,” she laughed.
Her easy camaraderie made me smile. “You should move here. Get Harris to move his band to New York.”
“Eh…” she began, but I interrupted her.
“I mean, now that they have a contract, can’t they live anywhere?” Harris’s band had been struggling on the West Coast until, finally, a major record producer happened into the club they were playing, offered to help them cut a demo and then like magic, they were signed within two months.
“I don’t know. My business is really out there. Why don’t you move back after Ryan is finished with his residency?”
I groaned. “That will be at least four or five more years. You guys can move now. Aaron and Jen will still be in Boston and that’s closer than we’ve all been in years. I miss you.” I opened a bottle of water and took a big swig.
“I miss you, too.”
Suddenly, I felt nauseous and my head began to swim again. I set my water down with a bang, some of the contents sloshing out. “Whoa.”
Ellie was there instantly and pulling out a stool for me, her brow knit with concern. “Are you sure you’re not sick?”
I sat down and put my head in my hands. “I’m fine. I mean, I was sick a few weeks ago, but I’ve just been tired. I’ve been working hard and Ryan and I have been on the phone late most nights. I think I just need sleep.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
She looked at me skeptically and then her eyes widened. “Julia, in all the years I’ve known you, you’ve only been sick that one time you had food poisoning and one little cold.”
“I know. This must be my year. I think the stress is wearing me down.”
She continued to eye me skeptically as she took a sip of her wine. “When was Ryan here last?”
“Um, the weekend of Valentine’s Day. We tried to make time to see each other two weekends ago, but he got called into the ER, so, that pretty much scrapped it.”
“Are you pregnant, Julia?”
Okay, what? My mouth gaped open for a second as I considered her question.
“What? No! I’m on the pill for God’s sake, Ellie.” I said adamantly but my mind was racing, putting two and two together. “We’re getting married in a year; there is no way we’d be that careless!” My breath left my body in a rush as I looked up at Ellie in shock. It could be possible. “Oh, my God. It couldn’t be.” My hand went to my stomach below my navel. “Could it?”
“Well, are you guys fucking, Julia?” she asked innocently and scrunched her nose with a grin. “When did you last have your period?”
“I don’t know, I guess…it’s been…” I stopped as reality stared me squarely in the face. “Oh, God. Ellie!” She rushed to me and took me in her arms. We cried and laughed as we hugged each other. I pulled back and wiped at the sudden tears. This wasn’t planned, but it would be a miracle.
Ellie smiled brightly as she held my shoulders. “Will you tell Ryan?”
“Of course, if it’s true!” I was overwhelmed with joy at the prospect.
“Before or after you leave for Paris?” Ellie asked. “Ryan will freak if you’re pregnant and that far away.”
I tried to wrap my head around it, knowing what had to happen. “If I’m pregnant…I can’t go. It’s as simple as that. I’d never do that to him.” I stared at her and then burst out laughing. “Imagine how he’ll be!” I said happily. “He will be so protective and want to experience every little thing.” My heart swelled with love for the possibility of my unborn child and the man who was responsible for it, imagining him pressing his ear to my swollen belly.
“So…what are we gonna do?” Ellie set her glass down and shoved her feet into her boots. “You’re lightheaded, so I’ll run out and get a test. Stop packing those bags, Julia! Auntie Ellie will be back in a flash.”
I giggled happily and grabbed both of her hands. “Oh, Ellie. I hope it’s true. I want it to be true! I can’t wait to see the look on Ryan’s face when I tell him. He’ll be so beautiful…I know he’ll be…just speechless!”
She grabbed her coat and purse on her way to the door. “He’ll spoil you rotten! I’ll be back.”
I walked back to the living room, still in shock, but I needed to hear Ryan’s voice. I leaned over to the edge of the table, grabbed my purse, pulled out my phone and was thrilled when he answered on the first ring.
“Hey, beautiful girl! Isn’t Ellie keeping you busy enough?” His perfect voice melted around me and once again my hand settled protectively over my stomach. I couldn’t keep the silly grin off my face.
“Yes, she is. She went to the store, and I wanted to hear your voice,” I said softly. “I love you. Can you talk for a minute?”
“For a minute, it’s pretty slow right now.” He sighed. “My shift ends in a couple of hours. Did you change your mind about Paris? Please say yes. Save my life.”
I smiled and bit my lip. I couldn’t tell him on the phone, and besides, I wasn’t sure yet.
“Let’s not talk about leaving now.”
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to forget about it. I’ll be a mess this weekend, just so you know. I’m such a pussy when it comes to you.”
I laughed because I couldn’t help myself. “Never. I think you’re pretty perfect,” I whispered, once again feeling the tears prick my eyes and my throat tighten.
“I already miss you,” he groaned. “I’m dying to see you, but I’m not looking forward to saying goodbye.”
“Then let’s not say goodbye.” It was out before I could stop myself.
His voice lifted a little in hope. “Julia, what are you saying?”
“Just that it isn’t goodbye. I’m still yours.”
“I know. That’s the only thing that keeps me from going insane, but I keep hoping you’ll change your mind at the last minute.” I could picture the hurt look on his face…his beautiful mouth pouty and the sadness behind his eyes. My heart squeezed inside my chest as I hoped the baby would have his features.
“It isn’t easy for me either. You know that,” I murmured softly, forcing the words out. It was so hard not telling him in order to ease his pain. “I miss you every second we’re apart. It doesn’t matter where I am.”
“Babe…” the longing in his voice made my throat hurt even more and I knew that if I stayed on the phone, he’d have me giving in.
“Ryan…” My heart screamed to tell him but I needed to see his face when he heard the words. “We’ll talk when I get there. I have to go. Ellie will be back soon, but I love you.”
“Okay, honey. I love you, too. More than anything. I can’t wait to get my arms around you.”
He was too wonderful for words. “Me, too. Call me tomorrow?”
“Always. Bye, my love.”
“Bye.”
The decision was made. I couldn’t wait until the weekend to share this news. I was already in my room shoving clothes in an overnight bag when Ellie got back.
“I thought you were going to scrub Paris. I mean, if this thing is positive?” she said as she held out the paper bag to me. I just looked at it and smiled breathlessly.
“I’m going to Ryan tonight. I’m sorry, Ellie. I know you came all this way, but I have to see him. Do you want to come with me?”
“Hell, no. Don’t worry about me. I’m not going to interrupt this. I’ll see you in a few months.” She watched as I rushed around the apartment, her eyebrow went up and her head cocked to one side. “Hey! Aren’t you even gonna pee on this damn thing?”
“Oh…yeah. But I already know. I’m so happy, Ellie! Ryan is going to be the most amazing father. Just like everything else he does. I can see it all now. He’ll be fucking perfect.”
She raised her eyebrows at me. “You plan on kissing your baby with that mouth, mommy?”
I stopped and burst out laughing as she tossed the brown paper bag toward me.
Damn, I couldn’t get a break. The first time in a month I’d been able to meet the guys for three on three basketball and my pager goes off. Fourth year rotations had no hours. They called whenever they needed a warm body, especially in ER, but I’d just finished an hour and a half ago. Plus, Julia was leaving for Paris in a week, so, I wasn’t sleeping much and I hoped the exercise would help with that.
“Hey, guys, time out!” I ran to the side of the court, grabbing my towel and wiping the sweat off my face. I pulled my pager off the waistband of my shorts and threw the towel aside. It was Aaron; his number followed by 911.
Something was wrong.
“Hey Ryan, let’s go man. We’re winning!” Tanner called.
I put a hand up to cut him off and was already dialing Aaron’s number. “There’s some sort of emergency. I may need to bail.”
It pissed me off that my game was interrupted. Aaron probably just wanted me to come take the end of his shift, but he answered on the first ring and his voice was frantic. “Ryan, you gotta get to the hospital.”
“What? I just got off of rotation. I’m playing basketball, man. My shift is over,” I said in agitation. “Work your own damn hours, Aaron.”
“Ryan. Listen, to me. Were you expecting Jules in Boston tonight?”
“No.” I didn’t want to think about it. I was trying to push away any and all thoughts pertaining to her leaving. “Not until next weekend, before she leaves for Paris. She’s flying out of Logan. Why?”
“Get to the hospital, Ryan. I think Julia is in the ER.”
“What? Stop kidding around, Aaron. This isn’t funny. I told you, she’s not in town. Don’t you think I’d know if she were?” I asked impatiently, upset that he would tease me about something so serious. I was looking forward to next weekend and dreading it at the same time. My heart felt like lead in my chest. I sat down on the bench and rubbed a towel across the back of my neck.
“I said; get your ass to the ER, now!! She was in an accident and it looks bad. I couldn’t see her face, there was so much blood, but I know it’s her.” There was no mistaking the seriousness of his tone.
“What are you talking about?” I asked in disbelief but I was already running toward the parking lot, my heart pumping so fast I thought it would literally fly from my body. I dug my keys out of my pocket as my mind raced, trying to find reasons to argue with Aaron. Tanner was yelling behind me, but I ignored him.
It couldn’t be Julia. She’d never travel without telling me.
“Aaron, are you sure? How do you know?” I asked, not wanting to hear the answer. “If you can’t see her face then it could be anyone.”
“No. It’s Julia. I recognized her jewelry, Ryan. The bracelet…you know?”
Oh my God. Jesus, please. NO! My heart and my mind were screaming. I felt like I’d just been hit in the stomach with a baseball bat.
“Oh, my God! How bad is it?” I choked out. If felt as if metal bands around my chest were preventing me from breathing and my eyes were starting to blur.
“I don’t know. Jen’s working on her with about half a dozen others. It doesn’t look good, Ryan. Just get here as fast as you can.”
My car was flying down the street at breakneck speed. It would be a miracle if I didn’t get pulled over, but I didn’t care. The fires of hell were after me. I was frantic, but somehow the adrenaline that flowed in my veins allowed me to keep control.
“Yeah, okay. Can you call Ellie and her parents? I’ll be there in three minutes. If you don’t have Paul’s number, call Ellie first. She’ll know how to reach him.”
The next thing I knew, I was bursting through the doors of the ER. I recognized several of the doctors and nurses that had relieved me only an hour earlier. The commotion, when I entered, had them all staring at me with their mouths agape.
I put both of my hands in my hair as I said loudly. “Julia Abbott. Where is she?”
Min Sing, another of the students, put her hands on my chest to stop me. “Ryan, they’re working on her. You cannot go in there. Calm down.”
I pushed her hands away impatiently and walked around her. “What are you talking about? I work here, for God’s sake, so somebody please tell me which room she’s in.” They all stared at me like I was crazy and I wanted to fucking kill something. “Now!” I yelled.
Aaron came quickly out of the waiting area. “Ryan, calm down. Ellie and Julia’s dad are on their way. They asked if you’d call when we knew more, but, they’re both g
etting on planes. I couldn’t reach her mother. I didn’t want to leave a message, considering.”
I turned toward Aaron. “Where is she? Goddamn it!” Was that strangled voice mine? I didn’t recognize it. “Oh, God, Aaron! It’s Julia? You’re sure?”
Aaron’s face dropped and he grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand up to place something inside it. “Yeah,” he said as his eyes met mine. Sadness and resignation flooded his features.
I looked down at what he’d given me. It was the RJ bracelet she’d worn for the past three years and her engagement ring. As I stared at them in anguish, my body started to shake violently and the tears began in my eyes. “Do you know anything yet?” I asked in disbelief as I tried to blink them back. I felt like my skin was on fire as an incredible burn spread through my body. I couldn’t breathe.
“They haven’t been out yet. Jen is still with her and she’ll keep us informed. The others wouldn’t tell me anything since I wasn’t related and you know the fucking HIPPA laws. Jenna brought me Julia’s jewelry on the sly.”
I placed the ring on my little finger, which barely went past my first knuckle and rubbed my thumb across the combined letters on the bracelet. This was the first time she’d had it off since I placed it on her wrist in the cabin in Estes Park.
“You aren’t technically related either, Ryan. They probably won’t let you in until Paul gets here.”
“The hell I’m not related!” I ran a hand over my face and whirled around to the counter and addressed the four people standing there. “Look, all of you. We’re talking about my fiancée. Somebody tell me something, or let me the hell in there!” I looked around and they all looked back with sympathy on their faces but they didn’t move. “I’m begging you.” The desperation was dripping from my voice as I dropped my head and put my hand wearily over my eyes. “Please!”
“Ryan, you know as well as I do that if it’s bad, they need to stabilize her before you can see her. We can’t distract them,” Min said. The concern on her face was clear as she laid a comforting hand on my arm.