“When I was a young girl, I would lie out here and watch the clouds float by. I would pick out shapes and tell myself stories based upon what I spotted. I would be out here for hours.”
“Did your guards enjoy your stories, or did you keep them to yourself?”
“Guards? I didn’t bring any.”
“You came out here alone? How old were you?”
Allyson shrugged as she continued to stare up at the sky. “I don’t know. I suppose I started coming out here when I was six or seven, and continued until just before I left for court.”
Ewan clenched his jaw to keep from speaking. It stunned him to learn that Laird and Lady Elliot allowed Allyson to roam unsupervised beyond the walls. He wouldn’t allow any child or beautiful young woman outside the gates of the Gordon keep without someone to defend them, let alone the laird’s daughter. Regardless of what anyone thought or said about Allyson’s parentage, the laird and lady claimed her as their own. That made her a target.
“Ally, that’s not all right. As the laird’s daughter, you would be the perfect hostage held for ransom, and as a beautiful young woman, it terrifies me to imagine what some nefarious mon might do to you. Promise me, Ally, if we wed that you’ll always take at least one guard with you any time you leave the walls. I will never stop you from going where and when you want, but I can’t stomach you being unprotected. Especially not after what happened at Chillingham. Please.” Ewan was practically begging by the end of his entreaty, and Allyson saw how seriously Ewan viewed the situation. She nodded and reached forward to brush hair over his shoulder before leaning in and kissing his cheek.
“I wanted to escape the keep and all who were there, so when no one ever stopped me, I came down here. I was aware I was within sight of the guards, but I also understood that wouldn’t matter. No one would reach me if someone came on horseback or by boat.”
“It seems like there has been a lot in this life you wish you could escape,” Ewan mused in a hushed tone. “You’d rather risk the unknown than continue with what you grew up with.”
“Aye.” Allyson laid back down, finding it easier to admit her feelings when she didn’t have to look directly at Ewan. “As much as the cutting remarks still hurt, being ignored as a child was far worse. When I was alone out here, it didn’t feel like I was being overlooked. It felt like freedom. It felt like my choice.”
“That’s why you ran. When the king, our fathers, and I threatened the little freedom and choice you found at court with people who paid attention, you ran.”
“Among other things, yes. It felt like I was being suffocated as I stood in the Privy Council listening to everyone deciding for me again.” Allyson glanced at Ewan before continuing. “If we’re being honest, I don’t think I would have reacted as I did if it was someone else.”
“Oh?” Ewan couldn’t think of anything else to say, or at least not anything polite.
Allyson rolled onto her side, bending her elbow and resting her head on her hand. “You’re a handsome mon and will always be a handsome mon. Women will always flock to you, and as you said at court, you didn’t plan to turn them away. I was certain of it before you even spoke the words. Those two things together crushed me. I couldn’t face being forgotten and rejected again and again. If the king and my father presented a mon who wanted to be faithful, I wouldn’t have run. Even a mon who might ignore me but not stray would have been satisfactory. But to live my life being pushed aside for someone else, over and over? Well, I could just stay here for that.”
Ewan reclined and pulled Allyson flush to his body before feathering a kiss on her lips. “I understand now that I’ve seen you here. You’re a different person, and I detest it. The Allyson I know is full of vim and vigor. You laugh and enjoy life at court, or at least look like you do. Here you retreat. It’s disconcerting, to say the least. I want to see you jesting and teasing like I’m used to. And I want it to be for real. I understand much of it is for show at court, but you seem lighter and less troubled when you’re there.”
“I suppose it’s true. For all the machinations and deceptions that go on at court, for all the times I had to force a smile, I was able to be myself. But even then, pretending to want to be around people constantly was exhausting. I just want somewhere where I can be myself and not have to perform.”
“I want to offer that to you.”
“Why? I still don’t understand what made you change so drastically, so suddenly. It doesn’t make sense, Ewan. It makes it hard to trust you.” Allyson ducked her head and blinked several times to keep the tears at bay.
“I prayed. I talked to God and—" Ewan paused as Allyson glanced around frantically to ensure no one heard Ewan. He realized she feared someone would pronounce him a heretic for claiming to speak with God. “I mean I didn’t speak with a priest to make my confession, but I prayed for forgiveness after considering my many transgressions. Ally, I’ve always considered myself a mon of honor and duty, but there would be no honor in being unfaithful after pledging myself before God, you, and witnesses then turning around and throwing it all to the wind. If I’m to lead my clan one day, I must do it by example. And that’s the one way in which my father failed.”
“Your father? Was he not faithful to your mother?”
“Hardly. My mother was not a warm woman, and she detested being a wife and found no enjoyment in being a mother.”
“Were your parents not attentive to you and Eoin?”
Ewan shook his head slowly. He wished he could empathize with Allyson, but he’d had a happy childhood. Despite his parents' faults and the damage they each did to their marriage, they hadn’t neglected their sons. “They were. My mother wanted to be a nun, but her father refused to consider it and arranged a marriage to my father. She didn’t want him or any mon in her bed, so when she delivered twin lads, she fulfilled her duty. She refused to allow my father near her and encouraged him in word and deed to take mistresses. I can see now how he erred. He put his own pleasures ahead of honor. While my mother lived, he never should have bedded another woman.” Ewan took Allyson’s hand in his and entwined their fingers. “I don’t know that we’ll get along once we wed. I don’t know if any lasting affection will grow, but if you should decide you no longer want to share a bed with me, I will not take another woman to mine. Pleasures of the flesh shouldn’t come before a vow to God or to my wife. I don’t know that my clan thinks any less of my father for his choices. In fact, I’m certain many sympathize and even support it, but the past fortnight has given me reason to question that. I don’t want my people to accept me as a hypocrite. It’s also taken this unexpected turn to make me realize not all wives will be like my mother.”
“You assumed your wife would be like your mother?” Allyson wrinkled her nose, but Ewan saw the twinkle in her eye and realized she was trying to lighten the solemn mood that overtook him.
“When Eoin and I were about five or six, Mother grew cold and no longer treated us with affection. I think she believed we outgrew the need for it. But despite that, she was attentive. She argued Father should spare the expense and allow her to tutor us. She’d benefited from an education provided by the nuns at the abbey near her clan’s home, so she was knowledgeable enough to teach us our numbers and to read and write in Gaelic, English, French, and Latin. She drilled everything into us, and Eoin and I are better for it. She loved to be outdoors and took us on long walks where she taught us about all sorts of flora and fauna. She might not have been warm with other people, but she had a way with animals. Woodland creatures chattered about her feet and followed her. She taught us to respect nature and God’s creatures, but she warned us never to touch them. She’d learned that they carried diseases and were unlikely to be as trusting of us as we might be of them.”
Ewan paused as he stared into the distance where the river babbled. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth, and Allyson knew he was reminiscing. He turned back to her before continuing his story.
“When we grew old
enough to join Father in the lists, she assumed she’d finished her duties as a mother, so she focused all of her attention on prayer and running the keep. By that time, she’d engrained her faith into me and Eoin, and I still find solace in going to church and praying. But she’d ended any relationship she had with Father. They were barely civil to one another, and Father did nothing to disguise his relationships with other women.”
“And up until a couple of sennights ago, you didn’t see any issues with your father’s choices. He’s a strong laird and respected mon. I suppose I can understand how you’d grow up assuming that an arranged marriage didn’t have to keep you from enjoying your life, that it was a business agreement more than aught else.”
“But I should have also seen how miserable it made both of them. And I shouldn’t have assumed all noble wives would be like Mother.”
“And I realize that not all men are like your father or mine.”
“You think your father—?”
“I believe so. I’m not certain, but I’ve suspected it over the years. You’ve heard my sisters. It seems like everyone knows. My parents were close when my brothers and sisters were young, but they had some falling out. They barely spoke to one another and still talk as little as possible. They only spend time together at meals where they’re cordial but not as loving as I heard they once were.”
“When’s your birthday? Not your saint’s day, but when were you born?” Ewan had a sneaking suspicion that he understood why Allyson’s parents were cold to her, and rage boiled within. It was the only explanation fathomable for why a couple that had once been happy and welcomed their children went so long without another and held no affection for their youngest.
“Autumn. Why?”
“Were you conceived around Hogmanay?” Allyson’s cheeks turned flaming red, but she nodded. “Ally, do you think your parents, or perhaps your father, imbibed too much, and nine moons later you were born?”
“You think I resulted from a drunken night together? That mayhap my father forced my mother?” It was as though all the blood leached from her body and left her freezing. She shivered as her world tilted on its axis, but as confusing as the notion was, it suddenly made sense of her life. Her mother resented the memory, and her father regretted it. Allyson looked up at Ewan as tears tumbled down her cheeks. “I think you’re right. I never once considered that.”
“It would explain a great deal, don’t you think?”
“Aye. It does.” Even if they’d discovered the reason for Allyson’s treatment, it did little to ease the years of pain and neglect. It only served to make her feel worse. She really was unwanted.
“They shouldn’t have taken that out on you. Those were their choices, not a bairn’s or a wean’s. You had no more say in which family you were born into than anyone else.”
A thought crossed Allyson’s mind that made her stomach turn over, but she had to know. “Do you have any unwanted children?”
Ewan shook his head. “No. I’ve always been careful. Besides the fact that our father would geld me and Eoin if we ever were so careless, no child should ever be unwanted and bear the stigma of bastardry. That should be the burden of the parents, but it’s always passed onto the child.” Ewan’s vehemence made Allyson wonder if someone important in his life suffered that fate. Another fear crossed Allyson’s mind that she couldn’t resist asking about.
“Is there a woman you wished to marry, a woman you love, who is unsuitable because of that?”
“No. Why would you ask that? I’ve never been in love, and I certainly never considered marriage.”
“You just seem so adamant that I figured someone close to you might bear that stigma.”
“Aye. My cousin. My mother’s sister made an error in judgment when she was young and anticipated her wedding. When she discovered she was with child, her intended groom called it off, arguing if she was willing to bed him before marriage, he’d never be certain she wasn’t with other men too. He claimed it would be impossible to be certain the bairn was his. My cousin came out looking just like her father, but he still wouldn’t marry my aunt. I fear my cousin will never be able to marry because of that. She’s a sweet lass, but her parents’ sordid history precedes her.”
“That’s wretched. With the rumors that swirled around here for years, I feared I would never marry. I’m the fourth daughter. The chances of me marrying outside the clan weren’t that strong to begin with, so finding a mon here who would want me seemed unlikely. Serving as a lady-in-waiting seemed like my only opportunity since the talk of my past never reached there.”
“Do you think that’s why your parents sent you to court?”
“Yes. Without a doubt. I expected my father to arrive any day to say he’d arranged a marriage, so he might foist me onto someone else. Or my parents would have allowed me to languish at court until the end of days.”
“Then it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when they summoned you to inform you of our marriage.”
“It wasn’t marriage that put me off. It was the groom.” Allyson saw no point in sugarcoating the truth they both knew.
“And now?” Ewan held his breath.
“Now the groom seems a far sight better than he did at court. Maybe it’s the fresh air.” Allyson pulled a handful of grass and tossed it at Ewan. He rolled onto Allyson and took her mouth in a searing kiss she returned wholeheartedly. She opened to him, and his tongue slid into the warm cavern, a groan escaping Ewan when Allyson drew his tongue in further. Ewan’s hand slipped beneath her back and traveled to her backside, tilting her hips toward him. Allyson twisted to press her body against the full length of Ewan’s and moaned as he squeezed the globe within his hand. Her hand slid into the open neckline of his leine, her fingers scorched by the heat his smooth, muscular chest exuded. Her other hand roamed over the lean figure, discovering every taut muscle as they bunched with his movement.
“I won’t allow what happened to my aunt to happen to you, Ally. I intend to marry you and refuse to accept anyone who would stand in the way, but I won’t take what isn’t mine to have. Without pledging to marry you during the betrothal ceremony, I won’t do more than I did this morning. It might kill me, but I’ll gladly wait if it means you’ll share my bed until we depart this life.”
“You make my whole body ache for something it hasn’t experienced but somehow knows. I want more of this morning, and I want to learn to reciprocate. I realized that it’s you I want. It wasn’t just the pleasure, because the thought of being with someone else doesn’t appeal to me. It’s because it was you. I don’t understand why, but something changed in me when you rescued me from Chillingham. The fact that you chased me scared me at first, but that you were the one to storm into that chamber, that you fought your way to me, it made me realize that you are a good mon. A mon I didn’t give a fair chance is what I’m learning every time we talk.” Allyson stroked Ewan’s cheek as they gazed at one another for a long moment. Something passed between them, and Allyson discovered that not only did she want to trust Ewan, she did. “I trust you, Ewan. Please don’t ever break that. I’m not sure how I would survive.”
“Ally, you are too special to ever hurt intentionally. I pledge here and now, no matter what happens, you will always have my protection. If not in name, then always in deed. I never want to destroy that trust, and I want you to know you can depend on me no matter what our futures hold.”
“You swear to be mo ghaisgeach.” My hero. Ewan’s chest swelled with pride as he brushed his lips against hers.
“Always. I’d hoped to speak to your father about the betrothal documents. We left them behind at court, so I wanted to find out if he would send a messenger to retrieve them.” Ewan wasn’t telling a complete falsehood. He’d been thinking about them since the night before and had become more determined while they laid near the river.
“Will the king allow that? Won’t your father have to be here to sign as well?”
“Nay. Ally, your father or I should have
told you that the contracts were signed in the Privy Council chamber after you left. You can sign them, but it’s not required.”
Allyson sat silently for a long moment while she digested the news that the documents had already been signed. She’d suspected as much before she left Stirling, but she’d ignored it as she took time to get to know Ewan.
“Ally, are you angry that it’s taken me so long to tell you?”
“No one told me, but I assumed as much. I’m not pleased that you didn’t speak up about it, but I had opportunities to ask and chose not to.” Allyson looked over at Ewan, whose worried expression made her realize that he hadn’t withheld the truth to manipulate her. “Would you allow me time to read it before I sign? I would be familiar with what provisions Father made for me should I end up a young widow. I don’t believe what happened to Mary would happen to me with your clan, but I need to be certain.” Allyson left unsaid that she needed to be reassured of where she would live, since she doubted the Elliots would welcome her back and she wouldn’t return to court. She needed to be certain she would have a roof over her head for herself and any daughters she might bear.
“I will ensure you have the opportunity, but lass, I already made certain my clan provides for you no matter what happens once we wed. Whether or not you bear a son, you will have a home with the Gordons.”
“You can’t be sure of that. If something happened to Eoin too, and we don’t have a son, then there would be no reason to keep me.”
“Keep you? You’re not a dog or a horse. You’ll be a member of the clan as soon as the priest pronounces us married. That won’t end with my death, Ally.”
Allyson nodded, but she was far from convinced. Even if her sister hadn’t had a disastrous experience, she was aware of what happened to unwanted widows. Even in the best of circumstances, clans rarely welcomed them home with open arms. The alliance would end, and an extra mouth to feed would return to the table. She prayed a convent wasn’t in her future. She would take a croft on a plot of land before making a life at an abbey, but she suspected that the latter would be her father’s solution.
A Rogue at the Highland Court: An Arranged Marriage Highlander Romance Page 19