It's not about getting rid of things.
It's not about getting rid of worry.
It's not about getting rid of pain.
It's about letting them go.
What are you ready to let go of now? What have you released already that you can acknowledge and be proud of?
Explore
What it feels like to get rid of . . .
What it might feel like to let it go . . .
What I have released over the course of this year that I am proud of . . .
DAY 318
LOST AND FOUND IN LETTING GO
How does the mind deal with loss, and what does it take to experience a peaceful resolution? This beautiful letter I received from a reader illustrates monkey mind to perfection. Thank for this, Beverly R.:
Learning spacious detachment was forced upon me this past summer. I was thrust into a situation within seconds . . .
The situation? The passing of my mother.
Although things happened really fast, we had been preparing for this time for over a year, so it really was not a surprise to any of us, but the swiftness of the moment still took us all by surprise, and then things needed to be done.
You can go, we will be ok—please don't go I am not ready for this—I have to be strong to hold up my brother, my father, my children—I need to get a list of people to call—I need to call people—I need to plan the memorial luncheon—I will make things my mother liked—I need to clean the house—I need to write a eulogy—I cannot speak at the memorial—I need to focus—I just need to get through the memorial . . . I just need to get through the memorial. . . I just need to get through the memorial.
An organized clutter of thoughts consumed me—pulled me through the fog of grief that had settled . . . and then the memorial was done. There was nothing left to organize, nothing left to do . . .
With the memorial over I sat outside, allowing the summer breeze to soften the thoughts of my mind . . . and as I sat my mind did go blank . . . no thoughts, no lists, just silence—it really was heaven.
In the (almost) eight months since my mother's passing, and with the heavy fog of grief lifted, I have visited that quiet space of no time on several occasions. Although the time spent there is not as long as it was the very first time, it is no less healing, no less glorious, no less heaven.
Heaven. Yes, it's always there, even when monkey mind is too caught up in noise to notice her presence.
Explore
A loss that I am still processing (or have yet to process) . . .
One thing I can do right now to cut myself some slack . . .
DAY 319
FROM SUFFERING TO OBSERVING
Just how do we get on with our growing when we're mired in stress and stuff? How do we keep our equanimity when things don't work out, make sense, or add up? How do we just surrender to accepting things as they are?
I have found a simple way to unhinge the part of the mind that has to know; has to fix; has to be right. It is one of the best tools I know on how to dis-identify and detach.
Two simple words: “This is.”
When placed strategically at the beginning of a worrisome thought, “This is” can help you take a step back to release some of the charge and unplug from whatever is causing you pain.
For example, “I'm exhausted” becomes “This is exhaustion.” “My feet are killing me” becomes “This is aching feet,” or “This is foot pain.” “I'm overwhelmed” becomes “This is overwhelm.”
What is one thing that is bothering you right now? Add “This is” and you might just notice the weather dissolve like magic.
Explore
One thing that is bothering me right now is . . .
Some of the feelings that come up when I reframe with “This is” . . .
What it feels like to suddenly become the observer of my discomfort or dilemma . . .
DAY 320
LET. IT. GO.
Let. It. Go.
Three little words that can change everything. Or, as Lao Tzu reminds us: “By letting go it all gets done.”
What thought can you let go of right now?
Done.
Explore
A thought that I can let go of right now is . . .
Letting it go feels . . .
Letting go can be as simple as that because . . . (Name and feel the part of you that doesn't believe it can be that simple.)
DAY 321
PARABLE OF LETTING GO
You've probably heard this next story about letting go. It speaks volumes to our human condition. Here's my paraphrased version.
Two Buddhist monks are walking in the forest when they encounter a beautiful woman in trouble. She is begging for help to cross the river, which is too wide, too deep, and too strong for her to manage on her own.
The monks come from a temple where the rules don't allow contact with women. They are not even allowed to speak to or look at them. (Notice your judgments here.)
Without hesitation the older monk walks over to the woman, picks her up, and carries her safely to the other side of the river. The younger monk is flabbergasted by this flagrant disregard of strict temple rules. How could my elder dare to look at the woman, much less carry her in his arms?!
The two monks walk through the forest in silence for awhile until the younger cannot take the torment any longer. He stops and exclaims, “How could you do that? How could you touch that woman?”
The elder stops, slowly turns around, and smiles at the young monk. Without missing a beat, he says: “Are you still carrying that woman with you? I put her down at the riverbank.”
I heard someone say once that letting go a little bit each day helps us practice for the “big letting go” that we'll all face when we meet our maker.
What thoughts or worries would you like to put down now?
Explore
Some thoughts or worries that I'm still carrying . . .
One small thing I can do to release the grip . . .
DAY 322
CHECK IN—BEING WITH LOSS
Although the theme of letting go is a constant in this book, the focus this week was to put it front and center—through contemplations that invite us to shift awareness and personal stories that invite us to embrace deep loss. If you really think about it, each moment is an opportunity to let go, each out breath a kind of release. In the end, it is baby-step practices that help us to bypass our survival instincts and build a new muscle.
In what ways do you feel that you've grown your letting go muscle over the past months? What helps you remember that it is safe to let go?
Explore
Ways that I have grown my letting go muscle . . .
I know it is safe for me to let go because . . .
WEEK 47
FORGIVING
I do not at all understand the mystery of grace—only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.
—Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies
DAY 323
THE GRACE IN GATHERING
I start out kicking and screaming, and come home purring like a pussy-cat. Such is the summertime ritual of picking up our share of produce at the local community farm.
It takes no time to fall madly in love again with the simplicity of tromping through the fields: gathering flowers to make exuberant bouquets, picking raspberries (that rarely make it past the car ride home), feeling the smooth skins of chili peppers on my skin, being transported by the scents of cilantro and basil and mint.
Mostly what I love is the immediate calming effect that plants have on me. No matter what kind of day I'm having, it seems that I'm always brought back to my center; welcomed, embraced, nourished.
It's like this unassuming patch of land knows me. It doesn't care that I'm fried after a long day. Or that my hair is a mess. Or that the container I use to haul our weekly bounty is an old plastic laundry basket with broken handles. The land seems happy to have me back no matter what—willing to hol
d a space for me to regroup.
I'm at home here—at home doing this simple and ancient thing of gathering. Gathering food. Flowers. My thoughts. Gathering the parts of myself that have gone missing or astray.
It is this—the weekly communion of abiding love and forgiveness—that brings me to my knees.
Explore
When I am deeply held, I feel . . .
What forgiveness means to me . . .
DAY 324
HEART WORK
Forgiving—someone, something, ourselves—is one of the hardest things on the planet. I touched on this idea in Your Spacious Self, and I think it bears repeating:
How does one reconcile the loss of a loved one? How does one justify the premature death of a child or the untimely death of a parent, sibling, friend, or pet? How does one wrap one's brain around the 9-11 insanity, the slaughter of innocent animals, the decimation of an entire ethnic group, the inexplicable horrors that come from natural disasters and human error?
How does one forgive God, the universe, or whoever you want to blame for giving you an unsupportive spouse, an absentee parent, a hateful boss, an incompetent doctor, an unkind neighbor?
The answer, from a humanly attached place, is: not easily.
To have a heart so big that it can hold this much unbearable pain is advanced-level work.
Take a moment today to close your eyes and place your hands on your heart. Bring your awareness to this space and notice what it feels like to rest here. Imagine this area expanding with each out breath.
When you feel centered, thank her. Yes, just say “Thank you, heart.” And breathe.
This is big work.
Explore
When I bring awareness to my heart space, I feel . . .
What it feels like to thank my heart . . .
DAY 325
FORGIVING IS CLEARING
Every lesson in this book has been building your heart muscle. Slow-drip practices in letting go and self-care is a form of forgiveness.
Every time you courageously face your fears, allow yourself to be vulnerable, or feel whatever you are feeling without judging it as good or bad, you are forgiving.
This is powerful stuff.
What or who are you ready to forgive today?
Explore
I am ready to forgive . . .
Why I must forgive . . .
DAY 326
DISSOLVE SELF-CRITICAL THOUGHTS
Someone posted this beautiful piece on Facebook that felt like something that I would write. It's called “How to dissolve self-critical thoughts,” by Martin Soulreader. May it help you grow your heart muscle and forgive.
Notice them
Observe them
Don't react on them
The thoughts will scream at you for attention, hug them
Observe them
Love them
Dissolve them
This makes echoes of them
What are you ready to forgive in yourself?
Explore
Something in myself that I'm ready to forgive is . . .
It's safe for me to forgive myself because . . .
DAY 327
FORGIVE FOR YOU
If you're having trouble forgiving someone—feeling like if you do they'll somehow get a free pass and not have to take responsibility for their actions—here's a little spacious wisdom by Marianne Williamson that might help. I heard her say it in a movie in which she was featured called The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self.
The universe will deal with that person's karma. You don't have to worry that if you “forgive them” that they're going to somehow live a deserved wonderful life . . .
It is not just to make their day better, it is to free you.
Who and what are you ready to forgive today?
Take a few moments to consider this question. Allow all sensations to arise. Release attachment to your need for justice or to have things turn out the way you had planned, and just . . . let . . . it . . . go.
Breathe into this exercise every day and notice the changes in you.
Explore
Someone I am ready to forgive is . . . (It could be you. Just sayin'.)
An issue I am ready to forgive is . . .
DAY 328
FORGIVENESS FREES
There's no question we're all getting older. Every day we are faced with mortality (in a wrinkle-phobic culture where supple vigor rules).
Certain body parts aren't moving quite as fast as they used to? Sorry, you're over the hill.
Crow's-feet and gray hair? Step back, you're over the hill.
Can't keep up with lightning-speed changes in technology? Move over, slow poke, you're over the hill.
Are you an over-forty Hollywood actress? Sorry, the two spots reserved in this category have already been taken by Julia Roberts and Meryl Streep. Never mind that you're supremely gifted and experienced, and the world could use you as a role model. You're over the hill.
Ouch. I know. It's a jungle out there.
Our culture may be unforgiving, but you don't have to be. Age is a given, and Botox and body lifts can't compare to the ultimate freedom and flexibility that comes from forgiving yourself.
Here's what I want to know: Are you willing to forgive yourself now, to embrace the regrets of an unrealized or imperfect past and move on with what you came here to do?
Explore
What didn't go as planned that I'm ready to forgive now . . .
A regret that I'm ready to release . . .
How I can make friends with aging . . .
DAY 329
CHECK IN—FORGIVING
The focus this week was to lighten our load through forgiveness. In a world of duality and polarization, forgiving is one of our biggest challenges.
How does it feel when you think about giving someone a pass? What would it take for you to let go of needing to be right or seeing justice served? What regrets, disappointments, and unrealized potential are you ready to forgive and embrace?
Explore
Imagining giving someone a pass feels . . .
What it would take for me to let go of needing to be right or seeing justice served . . .
I am now ready to forgive myself for . . .
WEEK 48
SPACIOUS REVEALING
Just let it all go, and show me your spirit.
—Platon, portrait photographer
DAY 330
A WHOLE-Y MOMENT
While traveling in Italy to celebrate our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband captured a rare and unexpected photo of me with my eyes closed. I was enjoying a moment of quiet contemplation (before digging into a fabulous plate of homemade pasta).
It's a rare photo of me because usually I'm trying too hard to look good. How's my hair? Is my lipstick on? Wait, this is my better side . . .
In this photograph I see a stillness that I rarely get to witness in myself. I like it. I like how pure and uncluttered I look. I call it my holy moment.
Try it: Next time someone takes a photo of you, give yourself a second or two to breathe into the stillness within before the shutter clicks. Or take an un-self-conscious selfie and see what happens.
What do you look like when you let go of the need to be anyone other than who you are?
Explore
When I'm in a place of stillness, I look like . . .
What I see about myself that I've not noticed before . . .
When I'm in a place of stillness, I feel . . .
DAY 331
SEE YOURSELF
Here's my invitation to you today: Find a photograph of yourself that you are particularly fond of. Examine it closely.
What is it about this picture that moves you? What does this photo reveal in you that you haven't noticed before? Remember what Georgia O'Keeffe said: “To see takes time.”
Explore
A photo of me that I really love is . . . (because . . .)
What t
his photo shows about me that I haven't noticed before . . .
DAY 332
MAKE A THOUGHT CLOUD
There's a fun website called Tweet Cloud that generates clouds out of the words you've used the most on Twitter during a select period of time. With a lovely calligraphic collage of your best (and worst) 140-character thought-bits you receive immediate feedback of what you've been putting out into the world. The greater the frequency, the larger the word.
It would be easy to adapt the same approach if you wanted a revealing snapshot of what's spinning in your headspace at any given moment in time. Here's how to play with it:
Set a timer for sixty seconds and write down on a big piece of paper every thought that goes through your head without censoring yourself. Download phrases, single words, repetitive grunts, random thoughts, brain farts . . .
Notice any squeamishness you have about writing down thoughts that are dark, uncomfortable, or “bad.” Notice and allow the judgments to arise like clouds themselves.
When the bell goes off, draw a big circle around the words. There it is: your thought cloud for that minute.
A Year to Clear Page 23