Case of the Dysfunctional Daredevils

by Jeffrey M. Poole

  Vance’s notebook put in an appearance. “Rupert’s?”

  “Yep. Not sure why. I was driving there, too, so I made the attempt to take a few pictures.”

  Ash nodded, “You lead an interesting life, Zack. So, you two, have you thought about my offer?”

  “What offer?” Jillian asked, as she turned to me.

  “Offer?” Tori repeated, at the same time.

  “To join the daredevil club. They said they both needed to talk to y’all about it.”

  Our table fell deathly quiet. And, if possible, I heard the smirk form on Harry’s face. A soft hand was placed over mine. Moments later, I felt her nails dig in.

  “Zachary? Is there something you need to tell us?”

  “For the record,” I falteringly began, “we did not tell him we’d join this club. I will admit that, at the time, I had considered it. However, the more I think about it, the more I’m leaning towards ‘no’. It’s way too dangerous. I should have told you this last night, Marshal. Sorry, pal.”

  Surprisingly, Marshal Binson nodded, as though he had just heard pleasing news. He didn’t say anything as he looked over at Vance. My detective friend had dropped his gaze to his beer and refused to look up.

  “I’m in the same boat,” Vance admitted. “Joining this club is not something people our age do. It’s something someone your age does.”

  “I don’t understand something,” Jillian suddenly said. “If you think this fugitive is hiding among the members of the Dysfunctional Daredevils, why not just stakeout the clubhouse, so to speak, and arrest him when he shows up? I mean, it’s not like you don’t know what he looks like, right?”

  Ash nodded, “That’s true. The fault with that logic, I’m sorry to say, lies with one of Jerod’s hidden talents.”

  “And that is?” Tori curiously asked.

  “I personally believe he’s a quick-changer.”

  “A quick-changer?” Harry repeated. His eyebrows shot up. “Wait. Are you saying you think he can change his appearance on the fly?”

  Ash shrugged, “I personally think it’s how he eluded capture before. To answer your question, ma’am, just because we have a picture of him doesn’t mean it’ll make it that much easier to find him.”

  “You think he’s changed his appearance again,” Jillian guessed.

  Ash nodded, “That’s correct, ma’am. The only way to know for certain Jerod is a member of this thrill-seeker club is for someone to sign up and get to know the members.”

  “This is a small town,” Vance stated. “Everyone knows I’m a cop. If I suddenly show up and announce I want to join, and if Jerod is there, then that would undoubtedly scare him away.”

  “Actually, that’s why you two are perfect,” Ash argued. “How old are you guys? Late 40s?”

  “Kiss my ass, pal,” Vance grumbled. “My 40th is this year.”

  I guiltily raised a hand, “I’m sorry to say I’ve already celebrated my 40th.”

  “Over 10 years ago,” Harry snickered.

  I glared at my friend as the table erupted in laughter.

  “Oh, yeah? You and I are the same age, amigo. That means you’re as old as dinosaur shit, too, you know.”

  “But you’re still older,” Harry chuckled.”

  “Not by much,” Julie announced, giving me a wink.

  “As old as dinosaur shit,” Ash repeated, laughing. “I’m stealing that to use on a buddy of mine, who works in an FBI field office near my own. But, don’t you see? If Jerod sees you guys in the club, then he’ll assume you’re suffering from some mid-life crisis and it won’t come as a surprise to anyone.”

  “But I’m not suffering from any mid-life crisis,” Vance protested. “I’m perfectly happy turning 40 this year.”

  Just then, someone started wheezing. Short, rapid coughs came next. Vance’s eyes narrowed as he turned to his wife.

  “You okay there, Tor? Got a frog in your throat?”

  “Did I hear that right?” Tori gasped, between breaths. “You? You’re okay with turning 40? In what alternate universe have we all somehow stumbled into?”

  Vance frowned. “You think I have a problem hitting the big 4-0?”

  “I know you have, dear. You’re moody, irritable, and an all-around…”

  “…pain in the ass?” Harry helpfully added, after Tori trailed off.

  “Some people don’t handle getting old as gracefully as others,” I stated.

  It was Jillian’s turn to snort. Tight-lipped, I turned to my fiancé and crossed my arms over my chest. However, I couldn’t hide the smile that had formed on my face.

  “Got something to add, m’ dear? Do you disagree?”

  Jillian nervously cleared her throat before she finally turned to look at me. I could see that she was fighting back an extreme case of the giggles.

  “Well, it’s just that I’ve heard you complain about how much gray hair you have. I know you like getting older just as much as Vance does.”

  I automatically scratched the side of my head, “I don’t have that much gray, thank you very much.”

  “I wasn’t referring to your head,” Jillian squeezed out, between giggles.

  “Whoa!” Harry exclaimed, as he threw his hands up in a time-out gesture. “That’s some serious TMI right there!”

  “Ewww,” Vance frowned.

  “Good grief,” I scowled. “It’s not what you think. Get your damn minds out of the gutter.”

  “Chest hairs,” Jillian helpfully added. “Zachary has been complaining about gray chest hairs.”

  “Sure, you have,” Vance snickered.

  Tori fixed her husband with a stare.

  “Do you really want to go there?”

  “Do we have to talk about this here?” Vance hissed.

  “I’m not trying to start an argument,” Tori soothed. “Look. I think we might have been presented with an opportunity. I think Marshal Binson might be able to help you out.”

  “How?” Vance suspiciously asked.

  “By joining this adventure group,” Tori said. “Perhaps a touch of danger just might snap you out of your foul mood.”

  “You want me to risk my life?” Vance incredulously asked. “Am I hearing that right? I’m already a cop. Isn’t that considered dangerous enough for you?”

  “She’s giving you the opportunity to go have fun, bro,” Harry cut in. “Don’t argue with her.”

  Vance looked over at me. “What about you?”

  Caught with my bottle up in the air, I nearly choked as I found myself at the center of attention.

  “What are you dragging me into this for?” I demanded. “I’ve already had my 40th birthday.”

  “Either I find someone to do this with me,” Vance began, “or I don’t go. I won’t be that sad, pathetic, loser trying valiantly to hold on to his youth.”

  “Are you really considering doing this?” I asked. “You’re going to join the ‘Daredevils’?”

  “Only if you will, too.”

  I confidently looked at Jillian, expecting her to be frowning and shaking her head. However, my fiancé’s expression was far from disapproving. In fact, Jillian still looked as though she was trying to hold back a laugh. There was no way she’d be up for this, was there?

  “You can’t be serious,” I began, as I looked at the beautiful woman sitting beside me.

  “Do you really think they’d put you in harm’s way?” Julie added, from across the table.

  “I’m not really concerned about that,” I explained, as I looked over at Harry’s wife. “What has my attention is the simple fact that a mass murderer may be hiding within that group.”

  “I’m sure the marshal can guarantee your safety,” Tori added, as we all looked over at our new friend.

  “I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t think I could handle the situation,” Ash informed us. “All you two would be doing is observing. If you see something, then you two will not be doing anything about it. You’ll contact me and I’ll deal w
ith it.”

  “But Vance is a cop,” I protested. “I’m pretty sure that if he spots your fugitive, he’ll probably be busy slapping handcuffs on the guy.”

  “True story,” Vance agreed.

  “I have a question,” Jillian announced, and then promptly fell silent as she waited for everyone to quiet down. “If this Jerod individual is a master of disguise, how will Zachary and Vance know who to look for? Didn’t you already mention that he probably doesn’t look like his picture anymore?”

  “She brings up a good point,” I said, as I turned back to Ash. “I mean, what else can you tell us about him? Is there anything that would be helpful in picking him out of a lineup?”

  Ash shook his head, “Jerod was a loner. He didn’t have friends, and as far as I’m aware, none of his family have had any word from him in years.”

  “Then, who has?” Harry asked.

  Ash shrugged helplessly. Right about then, I snapped my fingers. Hadn’t the marshal indicated there was a reason why Jerod had chosen PV?

  “What is it?” Vance wanted to know.

  “Who does Jerod know in town?” I asked. “Why did he pick our city again?”

  “His former roommate,” Ash reported.

  “That’s right,” Vance said, nodding. “I had forgotten about him. Nice going, Zack. All right, marshal, what say you and I go over and interview this roommate? He might have some insight into… what’s wrong? Why are you shaking your head, Tori?”

  “You’re on vacation,” his wife reminded him. “For the next two weeks. Longer, if Chief Nelson has his way. You’ve told me on numerous occasions that it isn’t best to aggravate your boss.”

  “So, I won’t be officially on the case,” Vance said, shrugging. “That doesn’t mean I won’t be able to keep an eye out for this Jerod individual. Zack and I could watch the club, and Ash here can watch the roommate.”

  “That won’t be possible,” Ash solemnly answered. “The roommate is dead. He was killed in what officials are calling an accident.”

  “What kind of accident?” Julie wanted to know.

  “I’m not gonna like the answer, am I?” I muttered.

  Overhearing, Jillian gave my hand a reassuring pat.

  “We’re assuming it’s a skydiving accident,” Ash answered.

  “Skydiving,” I grumbled. “Swell. Wait. Are you insinuating the Daredevils are somehow involved? Was the death ruled accidental?”

  “I don’t know if you’ve ever examined a body that’s fallen from the sky,” Ash slowly began, “but, um, there really isn’t much a medical examiner can, er, determine.”

  The color drained out of my face as I realized what the marshal was suggesting. All three ladies paled and looked away. Both Vance and I shuddered and fidgeted uncomfortably in our chairs. Our table fell silent, as the five of us – not counting Ash – knew it would be considered bad form to discuss severely mangled human remains while at dinner.

  Did you notice I said ‘five’? The table’s sixth occupant, unfortunately, wasn’t known for his morals or his common sense. Apparently, Harry wasn’t born with a censor between his mouth and his brain, either.

  “Hah! Dude, that guy would’ve been nothing more than a hamburger patty. Any medical examinations would have been impossible, man. Every single bone in his body would not only be broken, but smashed into a million pieces. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see?”

  “Harrison!” Julie hissed. “We all know what it means. Seriously? We’re eating pizza, for crying out loud.”

  Harry shrugged, “Oh. Too much?”

  “Are you really a veterinarian?” Ash asked, amazed.

  “He doesn’t sound like it, does he?” I joked, as I gave my old high school friend a grin. “I’m still trying to come to terms with it.”

  Harry shrugged again and offered everyone a sheepish smile.

  “It’s okay,” Ash assured us. “And, believe it or not, you’d be surprised.”

  “We would?” I asked.

  “We would?” Vance echoed.

  Marshal Binson nodded.

  “So, was there?” I asked.

  “Was there what?” Ash asked.

  “Was there anything left worth studying?” I quietly asked.

  Ash shrugged and looked back at the paperwork. “In this case, only partial remains have been found, starting with the victim’s right hand. A couple of hikers stumbled across it last week.”

  “I assume the roommate’s DNA was in the system already?” Vance asked. “That’s how you were able to confirm the owner of the hand?”

  Marshal Binson nodded and helped himself to a slice of pizza.

  “Correct. His name was Michael Jeter.”

  “Was Mr. Jeter a member of the Daredevils?” Jillian asked.

  Ash nodded, “Yes, ma’am. He’s our link to this thrill-seeker group. Since Jeter was a confirmed member, and he is a former roommate, then my ‘asinine theory’, as my superiors put it, has some merit.”

  “Asinine?” Harry repeated, snickering.

  “My superiors aren’t as convinced as I am that this is a viable lead,” Ash admitted. “However, I know I’m right. Jerod is hiding, here, in Pomme Valley.”

  “Among these Daredevils,” Tori mused. She looked over at my fiancé and smiled. “What do you think, Jillian?”

  “I’m not a fan of putting Zachary in danger…”

  “He won’t be,” Ash hastily interjected.

  “…but I do think it might be good for him to get out of the house and do something fun.”

  “You make it sound like I’m nothing more than a hermit,” I grumbled.

  Jillian took my hand in hers. “Zachary, I haven’t seen you smile in a while. I know you’re uncomfortable about getting older.”

  “I personally think a shot or two of adrenaline is just what the doctor ordered,” Tori added, as she grinned at her husband. “Vance, you have my blessing.”

  “Zack, come on, buddy,” Vance pleaded. “Don’t make me do this thing by myself.”

  I automatically glanced over at Harry. “What do you say, amigo? Are you with us?”

  Harry had already started shaking his head, even before I had finished asking the question.

  “Not this time, man. I’m needed around the house. What, with Jules expecting, there’s more and more she can’t do. I can’t go off and leave her like that.”

  “She has help,” Tori announced, as she looked to Jillian for affirmation. “We can keep an eye on her for you.”

  Certain his excuse would get him off the hook, Harry paled as he realized his carefully rehearsed excuse had failed.

  “Now wait a minute,” Harry protested. “I can’t get involved with this. I mean, I have a practice to run, man!”

  “Nice try,” Julie told him. “Dr. Richards has proven she is more than capable of handling the clients. Besides, it’s not like you’re heading out of town.”

  Vance and I each gave Harry a grin. After making certain he wasn’t being watched, Harry flipped us both the bird. Together, we turned to the marshal. I nervously cleared my throat.

  “Umm, I guess we’re in?”

  Marshal Binson eyed the three ladies at the table and noticed the way their significant others were now in hushed conversations with them. None of them looked happy, he decided.

  “I’m never gettin’ married,” Ash quietly vowed.

  THREE

  “This is a mistake of biblical proportions,” a voice solemnly declared, on my right, three days later. “This is soooo gonna come back to bite us in the ass.”

  “You’re already shooting this down?” Vance sourly asked, as he turned to look at the person sitting in the back seat of my Jeep. “Seriously, Harry, you need to lighten up before you give yourself a heart attack.”

  “Is that another jab at my weight?” Harry demanded.

  Vance held up his hands in surrender. “Nothing of the sort. Lately, you seem to be wound really tight. This is our chance to relax. Live a little. We’re he
re to have fun!”

  “Says you,” Harry hotly returned. “You and Zack are in decent shape, so of course you’ll have a good time. Well, you, at least. Zack? He may not be in as good as shape as you, bro, but he’s definitely better than me. Come on, man. Let’s just blow this off and turn around to go home.”

  “Do you even know where we’re going?” I asked, as I tried valiantly to keep the anger from my voice. If I would have known Harry was going to act like a big baby, then maybe I wouldn’t have lobbied so hard to get him to join Vance and me. “I think you might be surprised, pal.”

  “Of course, I know where we’re going,” Harry grumped. “We’re meeting up with a bunch of teeny boppers to try and blend in with them, as though we’re all going through mid-life crises.”

  “He is going through a mid-life crisis,” I pointed out, as I looked over at Vance.

  “Bite me, dude,” my detective friend returned.

  “I figured he’s just worried about that Jerod guy,” I added.

  “Thank you!” Harry cried, as though he had been waiting hours for someone to bring up mention of the fugitive. “Not only will we be risking our own lives for some guy we don’t even know, but now, we could be sitting next to a freakin’ mass murderer!”

  “Seriously, Harry,” I scolded. “You need to calm down. Switch to decaf, will you?”

  Harry blinked at me, “Huh? I haven’t had a cup of coffee in years.”

  I whistled, “You haven’t? You sure sound like you have.”

  Vance sniffed the air, looked first at me, and then twisted around to look at Harry.

  “Then why do I smell coffee? I know Zack doesn’t drink it. I haven’t had any today, so it’s gotta be you, pal.”

  “Well, I might have had a couple of cappuccinos this morning,” Harry confessed.

  “Coffee, cappuccino, it’s the same thing,” Vance decided. “Look, we’re here. Harry, are you feeling better now?”

  We had just pulled up to one of Pomme Valley’s lesser known bars, namely Red Barn Tavern, when Harry finally fell silent. The three of us leaned forward, which afforded us a better look. Granted, I have never stepped foot inside the place before, but you’d expect a place named after a barn to, well, look like a barn. What we saw, on first glance, was a building which was modeled after an old, worn down saloon one would expect to find in a ghost town. However, there was nothing vacant about this particular business.