Mick pointed at Thor, who was busy attaching ropes to the inner tubes. Once the three 42” inner tubes were securely fastened together, Thor tied one end of the rope to his raft, and then flung the three tubes, and the leftover rope, over to us. Mick caught the rope, attached it to our raft, and then gently pushed his paddle into the water. I felt our raft drift away from Thor’s, but not before the rope tightened between our two boats.
As I sat there, staring at the three inner tubes that had been tied in place between our raft and the first, it dawned on me what our ‘initiation’ must be. These sadistic SoBs were gonna make us try and get from one raft to the other, without getting our feet wet. What do they expect us to do? Crawl?? I mean, there’s no way someone could walk across that, was there? If I tried something like that, then I’d go – face-first – into the water after my first step.
“This doesn’t look good,” Vance muttered, as he studied the floating inner tubes. “Are they thinking what I think they’re thinking?”
I nodded, “Sure looks like it.”
“There’s no way in hell, man,” Harry agreed.
“Gentlemen!” Thor called, raising his voice. The hoots and hollers automatically began. “It’s time to separate the boys from the men. I give you our Daredevils tradition! Let’s see who among you can walk between rafts without getting their feet wet.”
“My feet are already wet,” I quietly pointed out.
“There’s no way in hell, bro,” Harry said, raising his voice. He leaned over the raft’s edge and studied the closest inner tube. “No one could make it across that. I think you came up with this just to have fun at our expense.”
Thor grinned and then held two fingers to his mouth. Several sharp, piercing whistles sounded moments later. “Daredevils! Did you hear what Doolittle just said? He not only thinks we’re doing this so we can have a laugh at their expense…”
“…which he’d be right…” I heard someone say. Several chuckles ensued.
“…but that no one is capable of beating this challenge,” Thor was saying. “Fellow Daredevils, who’d like to prove Doolittle wrong?”
“I’ll do it.”
All eyes turned to Dagger. The young African-American girl popped up on her seat, navigated her way to the front of the raft, where Thor was sitting, and straddled the outside edge of the raft, like I’ve seen professional rafters do. And, for the record, I have never seen a black-colored life jacket ever. In fact, it even had teeny tiny decorated skulls on it, the likes of which you’d find on items decorated for Dia de la Muerto. I wonder how much that personalized PFD cost her.
“That’s not fair,” Harry complained. “Look at her, man! She’s tiny! If there’s anyone who could do it, then she’d be the one.”
“Clearly, we need a second volunteer,” Thor added. “Do we have any takers?”
Much to my surprise, TooTall raised his hand. Thor nodded approvingly. He and TooTall switched positions on the raft, allowing both contestants better access to the inner tube rope.
“Dagger, make us proud,” Thor instructed. “Are you ready?”
Dagger nodded, “Bring it on.”
Thor held out a hand. “Whenever you’re ready.”
I sat, mesmerized, as the scene unfolded in front of me. Dagger nimbly hopped off the raft and landed on the first inner tube. However, before her full weight could register, she was already moving. She quickly jumped to the next ring, and unwilling to break her stride, she leapt to the third and final ring. Allowing her momentum to carry her toward our raft, she threw herself at us. Or, more specifically, at me, since I was one of the closest people to the makeshift line.
Not wanting her to fall, I immediately reached out and caught the girl in my arms. Dagger instinctively threw her arms around me and waited a few moments, as if she couldn’t believe she lucked out and made it to our raft. Now certain she knew she wasn’t going for an unscheduled swim, she grinned up at me, released her death grip on my arms, and turned to wave at Thor in the other raft.
A chorus of cheers erupted.
“Way to go, Dagger!”
“We knew you could do it, Dag!”
“Nicely done!” Thor praised, from the first raft. “Did you see that, Doolittle? We wouldn’t place obstacles before you if there wasn’t a chance of winning.”
Harry pointed at TooTall. “Hey, bro, I expected her to do it. She’s tiny. Let’s see how he does.”
Thor turned to TooTall. “You’re up, my friend. Don’t let us down.”
TooTall shrugged, “Piece of cake.”
The young man swung his long legs over the raft, set them on the first tube, and stood up. Now, I will say that I expected the tall thrill-seeker to go ass-first into the water, but much to my surprise, he managed to keep his feet. But, as skinny as he was, his weight was more than what the tube could keep above water. He started to sink.
Not wasting any time, TooTall took several giant steps and, before any of us knew it, he was standing on the third tube and was about ready to hop aboard our raft. Unfortunately for him, a gust of wind appeared, bringing a welcome relief to the warmer weather. Unfortunately, it pushed our raft slightly out of position.
The raft shifted, the inner-tube-rope-thingamajig lost its tautness, and down went TooTall, much to the delight of his fellow Daredevils.
“Almost made it that time, TooTall!” Yeti shouted, from the third raft.
TooTall surfaced, grinned up at us in the second raft and then, unconcerned, swam back to the first raft. Acting like this sort of thing happens to him all the time, TooTall pulled himself back in the raft and accepted the towel Thor was offering him. Thor then turned to face Harry and held out a hand, encouraging him to volunteer to go next.
“There’s no way,” Harry muttered, again.
My detective friend sighed heavily, “Let’s get this over with. I’ll go first.”
Vance handed me his oar, swung his legs over the side of the raft, and looked at the closest floating tube.
“I think speed will be your friend,” I quietly muttered.
“I was thinking the same thing,” Vance whispered back. “I’ve seen this sort of thing on those ninja-obstacle-course shows. Okay, wish me luck, pal.”
Vance quickly stood up, flailed his arms as he struggled to get his balance, and once it became certain he wasn’t gonna get it, bolted for Thor’s raft.
He almost made it. Kinda.
Vance’s right foot slipped off the edge of the inner tube and into the tube’s center. As a result, his foot caught on the upper rim of the second tube and propelled him forward. Poor Vance face-planted into the third tube and ended up doing a half belly-flop into the water.
The Daredevils roared with laughter. That, I’m sorry to say, included me and Harry.
Sputtering, Vance surfaced, and once he spotted our raft, swam back to it.
“You almost made it,” I told him, as I pulled him into the raft. “You made it to the third tube. That’s impressive, buddy!”
“An admirable attempt!” Thor announced. “Not bad for a beginner, Clouseau!”
Vance cringed as he heard his Daredevil name.
“Bacchus, are you ready?”
I sighed and then shrugged. “Why not? I’m just gonna forewarn you guys. I probably won’t make it past the first tube.”
Actually, I made it to the second. I’d like to say that I tripped up, the same as Vance, but, again, if I’m being honest, I’ll say that I was trying to regain my balance. Then again, I don’t think I ever had it to begin with. I ended up belly-flopping worse than Vance, much to the delight of my fellow Daredevils.
“Oh, this sucks,” Harry moaned, as he realized it was now his turn. “I’m so going in.”
Both Vance and I turned to look back at our friend, sitting behind us. Drops of water fell off our clothes and pooled on the raft’s floor, in front of us. We both silently regarded our veterinarian friend.
“Let me guess,” Harry said, as he looked from one unsy
mpathetic face to the other. “Neither of you care.”
“We both went in,” Vance reminded him.
“And it wasn’t very graceful,” I pointed out.
Harry sighed, swung his legs over the raft’s edge, and tentatively placed one of his feet on the toroid-shaped flotation device. He looked imploringly over at me and Vance, gritted his teeth, and took a deep breath.
“Go quick,” Vance instructed. “If you stop to think about what to do next, then you’re going swimming.”
“Word,” I added, which made the two of us snicker like schoolboys.
Harry quickly stood up, and took a step forward. But, before he could, the inner tube jetted out from under his feet, sending him ass-first straight down. The tube, being tethered in place, quickly returned to its original place, which meant Harry’s ass landed squarely in the tube’s hole. Such was the force of Harry’s fall that it actually wedged him in the tube, nice and tight.
Vance whistled with appreciation. “Would you look at that? He didn’t get wet.”
“Well, most of him, anyway,” I corrected.
“Way to go, Doolittle!” someone praised.
“He didn’t make it across!” another protested.
Mick carefully made his way over the raft’s rows of seating until he was next to me. He quickly untied the line of inner tubes and pulled the raft next to Harry. Between the two of us, we were able to pull Harry into the raft, only much to everyone’s delight – and Harry’s dismay – the inner tube remained wedged on his ass.
“I’m afraid you’ll have to get that one off yourself, mate,” Mick companionably told him, as he made his way to his seat at the back of the raft. He watched Dagger nimbly jump back to the first raft. “Thor, you ready to get underway?”
Thor nodded, “Absolutely. That was a fantastic showing, guys.”
“No one but Dagger completed the challenge,” I pointed out.
Thor shrugged, “I wasn’t interested in seeing you beat it, only that you tried to beat it. Besides, there are only a few of us who have successfully made it across. One of these days, I’m sure I finally will.”
“Will what?” Harry demanded. “You mean, you haven’t made it across, either?”
Thor grinned and leaned over the raft to untie the rope. Seeing that Mick had already untied the rope on our end, Thor began pulling in the inner tubes. He shook his head as he pulled up the first tube.
“Look at this thing! It won’t hold a full-size adult.”
I ended up laughing. I had to admit that it made me feel better, knowing that most of the Daredevils had been just as successful as we had been. That was when I heard it.
A woof.
My head jerked up and I started scanning the river bank. There, much to my chagrin, were the girls. Jillian had the dogs’ leashes in one hand and a video recorder in the other. I groaned when I realized what that meant. Thor must have somehow sent word to our significant others that a prime, Kodak moment would be happening, and where - naturally - it was going to take place.
Jerk.
“What’s the matter?” Vance asked, as he handed me back my oar.
I pointed at the shore. “Don’t look now, but our escapades have just been filmed.”
Vance straightened, saw his wife and daughters waving at him, and smiled sheepishly. He gave a slight wave back before he grinned at me.
“Did you know they were going to be there?”
“Nope. If it wasn’t for one of the dogs barking, I wouldn’t have known to look.”
“What’s going on?” Harry asked, as we resumed our progress down the river.
Vance turned to point back at the river bank.
“The girls are back there. So are my kids and Zack’s dogs. They filmed the whole thing, pal. That should be good for a laugh later on.”
“What?” Harry exclaimed, as he turned around to check for himself. “Julie never said she was going to be here!”
“Well, they are,” I said. “Don’t worry, buddy. There’s nothing to worry about.”
We were moving slowly enough on the river that I caught sight of Jillian and the rest of them casually pacing us along the riverbank. The only thing we could hear were a few muted conversations, which occasionally broke out in laughter. I then noticed Sherlock and Watson, only they weren’t looking at me. They were looking at the raft behind us. What would be their interest in the third raft?
I turned in my seat to check on the progress of the ‘professionals’. They were about fifty feet behind us, and were also lazily drifting along the river. I could tell that there were a few conversations taking place there, but I couldn’t tell what was being said.
“Heads up, ladies,” Mick announced. “The Rascal is waking back up!”
Our velocity increased as the river narrowed yet again. Swirling currents, choppy water, and some serious dips in the river lay dead ahead. I felt my pulse quicken and, without realizing it, a grin appeared on my face. I felt a nudge in my ribs and, after glancing over at Vance, saw that his face had a similar grin.
“Here we go!” Vance all but cried, as our raft hit the first of the new rapids.
Down went our raft. Up went the water. It felt like I was in a water fight, and my opponents all had buckets of cold water to throw at me, and I had run out of ammo. Seriously, water was splashing at us from all directions. All three of us, I might add, were laughing hysterically, which, at times, would switch to screams of terror as our raft played pinball through the rapids.
“I thought you said there were only a few Class III rapids!” I said, as I turned to look back at our guide.
“Those were barely Class II,” Mick informed me. “You wanna see a Class III? We’re approaching one now. Better treat her nice, mates. She’ll work you over if you don’t.”
For the next 30 seconds, I’m ashamed to say that I acted – and probably sounded – like a little girl as I saw what was waiting for us. This Class III rapid was nearly 30 feet long, had several dips, and one very narrow descent. I learned, later, that this particular rapid had several ‘holes’ right next to each other. That mean there were a series of rocks where water would flow over it, and then drop down to the river below. As if that didn’t sound bad enough, the water would then flow downstream and then back toward the falling water. Seriously, if you didn’t know what you were doing, you could be in a world of hurt.
Thankfully, Mick was an experienced river rat. He skillfully jabbed his oar in various places as we were jostled by the rushing water to give the raft a gentle push here, and a not-so-subtle shove there. Somehow, and I don’t know how, Mick prevented us from flipping over when it looked like we were about to, and he avoided getting a single drop of water on himself. As for the three of us? I’m told we sounded like we were riding a roller coaster, because every time our raft made any rapid movement – which was a lot – we all sounded like little girls. Not to mention we were drenched. Our wetsuits? Definitely a wise choice. I could only wonder how Harry was coping with the cold water.
Still laughing like lunatics, Mick instructed us to paddle over to the closest shore. There, waiting for me, was Jillian and the dogs. Both Sherlock and Watson were whining and pulling on their leashes. When I finally made it over to them, I ended up having to spend a few minutes assuring my dogs that I was okay. The two of them kept nudging my arm up, as though I needed to give them more scratches behind their ears.
“I’m okay, guys. Thanks for the love.”
Sherlock dropped into a playful crouch.
“Awwooooo!”
“He has not been a happy camper,” Jillian told me, as she took my hand in hers. “Zachary! Your hand is freezing!”
“Well, the water is cold.”
“Where are they going?” Jillian suddenly asked.
Vance, Tori, and his two daughters wandered close. Overhearing, they all turned to look back at the river. We watched as the third raft continued by us and disappeared around the bend. Harry and Julie then arrived.
“It’s gotta be that Class IV drop-off Thor was talking about,” Vance decided. He pointed at the rest of the Daredevils, who were in the process of following a dirt path west. “I’ll bet that’s where they are going. Come on. Want to watch ‘em go over?”
“No one is going to get hurt, right?” Jillian cautiously asked.
“That raft has all the pros in it,” I explained, as we followed Vance and his family down the path. Looking back, over my shoulder, I saw Harry and Julie following. “Class IV rapids can be really dangerous, so Thor said only a few of us will be taking that monster on.”
We arrived at the observation point. I stared, open-mouthed, at the obstacle my fellow Daredevils were about to hit. That was a rapid? From my vantage point, it looked like a thirty-foot drop! How could that possibly be construed as anything but lethal?
I followed Jillian over to the railing. Several signs had been posted, giving information about the Class IV rapid. Turns out I’m not a good judge of heights. My thirty-foot drop-off was actually less than a dozen feet. Still, it looked dangerous as hell.
“Here they come!” Tori exclaimed. “Oooo, I wouldn’t want to be on that boat.”
“Neither would I,” Vance admitted.
We watched as the raft slowly approached. Number 3’s guide was using both of the long oars, attached to his stern seat, to make constant corrections, in addition to jamming both of them in the water at various points in an effort to take the drop as carefully as possible. The five Daredevils sitting in the raft, Yeti, Jitters, Wednesday, Patch, and Hippy, were also expertly paddling the water. Sometimes only on one side, and other times, both sides paddled in unison. And not one of them, I should add, looked to be concerned.
The raft’s nose edged out, over the drop-off. With the guide shouting orders, the Daredevils withdrew their oars and allowed the raft to finally move forward. Every single person present - participants and observers - screamed with delight as the raft inched out over the drop-off. However, I noticed right away something didn’t go as planned.
“She’s gonna flip!” Thor cried.
The head of the Daredevils sprang forward, hurdled the safety railing, and rushed to the water’s edge, just in time to see the raft’s bow get pulled under. As a result, the raft slanted dangerously downward. The Daredevils’ cries of delight quickly switched to screams of terror as the raft lost its balance and flipped over.
Case of the Dysfunctional Daredevils Page 7