A knock on the door woke me up a few hours later. “Sam, it’s Dave.”
I looked over at the clock to find that it was 8 p.m. “Come in.” I reached over to turn on a light.
“The ladies from the church packaged up the rest of the food for us. It just needs reheating.” Dave looked completely wiped out. His face seemed to have sprouted a dozen new wrinkles since the accident and his hair appeared even more gray. His voice was hoarse from talking to people all afternoon.
“Tough day, huh?” I said softly.
Dave didn’t answer. He just hugged me. I think he needed the hug even more than me.
“Thanks for all that you did to get everything ready for today, Uncle Dave. I know it was a lot of work.”
Dave sat at the edge of my bed and stared down at the floor. “I shouldn’t have had to do it. This shouldn’t have happened. It never should have come to this.”
I looked at him, wondering why he was saying this now. I thought he’d accepted the accident. I may not have accepted it. But I was sure that he had.
“Why are you saying that, Dave? What do you mean, ‘It shouldn’t have happened’?”
“What?” Dave looked up, realizing what he’d said. “Oh, nothing. I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just tired.”
“Dave, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, honey.”
“At the memorial service today, you said something about helping Mom and Dad have me. What did that mean? Mom and Dad told me they went to a fertility clinic in Minneapolis.”
Dave seemed surprised, as if he’d forgotten what he’d said earlier. “Oh, that. Well, no. They did go to a clinic there, but when they found out what it would cost, well, back then your parents couldn’t afford it. They had school debt like you wouldn’t believe. And I knew that, more than anything, they wanted a child. So I offered to help. Everything was done in my lab for free. Well, technically it was GlobalLife’s lab by that time, so I covered the costs. But it was free for your parents.”
“Why would they make up some story about a fertility clinic? Why didn’t they just tell me that you helped?”
Dave’s face became flushed and beads of sweat were forming on his forehead. “Because I asked them not to. I thought you might feel uncomfortable around me knowing that I was involved.” Dave took a matter-of-fact tone that made the whole thing seem like no big deal. But his fast speech and flushed cheeks gave me the feeling that there was more to this story that he didn’t want me to know.
Dave looked so tired that he could barely hold his head up.
“You need to sleep, Dave. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He left and headed to the guest room. I lay awake thinking about what Dave had said about my conception. It didn’t make sense for Dave to use his lab to help my parents conceive a child. His lab was meant for research. They studied rats and mice. How would they even have the right equipment? Something wasn’t being said. There had to be more to the story.
CHAPTER TEN
Darkness
The day after the memorial service was almost worse than the days leading up to it. Before the memorial, everyone was focused on it. People were thinking about my parents and remembering stories about them. But now, it was over and life went on. People went back to focusing on their own lives, and it didn’t seem fair. How could everyday life just continue when I felt stuck and unable to move forward?
Soon, people would expect me to move on, go back to school, return to my normal schedule. Dave had no choice but to return to his normal schedule. Work had been calling him nonstop. I didn’t hear him leave for the office that day, but I was sure it was before sunrise.
I was home alone again. The house was empty and quiet. I wondered if this was how it would be going forward. Dave always at work and me always home alone in that big, lonely house.
Colin called first thing in the morning. I lied and told him Dave was home. I didn’t want him missing school. And I just wanted to hide in bed all day and sleep. But my mind kept me awake. I lay there, listening to the cars going up and down my street. I heard dogs barking. Neighbors talking and laughing next door. Kids getting on and off the school bus. Everyone was living their lives, like nothing had happened.
By late afternoon the phone started ringing. First Colin, then Allie, then Dave. I didn’t answer. Colin kept calling so I finally picked up.
“Sam, where have you been? Why aren’t you answering my calls?”
“I’ve been sleeping.”
“Oh. Well, Allie and I were gonna stop over.”
“No, don’t do that,” I said. If they came over, they’d know I was lying about being alone, and I didn’t want a lecture. “I’m really tired. I just want to sleep some more.”
“But you’ve been sleeping all day. Are you okay?”
Why did people keep asking me that? Of course I wasn’t okay.
“Please, Colin, just let me sleep. You guys can come over tomorrow. Will you tell Allie?”
He thought about it. “Well, okay. As long as Dave’s over there.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.”
I hung up, then noticed a text from Dave saying he’d be home late once again. That night, I lay in bed thinking that the huge emptiness I was feeling would never end. Allie had told me to take one day at a time, but after having such a bad day, I didn’t think I could take another.
I slept until noon the next day. Dave was long gone for work. His note said he wouldn’t be home until later that evening. I went over to my desk and considered checking email. But I didn’t have the energy.
Next to my laptop was a photo of Mom and me, taken on my sixteenth birthday. We looked so happy. I picked it up to get a closer look and noticed her handwriting on the back. Mom loved to write notes on the back of photos.
“To my Sweet Sixteener, You’re a strong, smart, and beautiful girl. I’m so proud to have you as my daughter. Don’t ever give up on your dreams! Love, Mom.”
My eyes filled with tears. I could imagine Mom saying it, like she was standing right there.
I looked at the photo again. It was like she was looking right back at me. I knew that if she were there, she’d tell me that it was okay to grieve, but that I couldn’t get stuck in my grief. I would have to move on.
I put the photo down. I could hear her voice encouraging me to be strong, telling me I could handle this. I got up and opened the shade on my window. The sun burst into my room. I felt like it was a message from Mom that things wouldn’t always seem so dark. I took the message to heart and decided not to spend the day lying in bed. Although I didn’t feel like it, I went down and had some lunch.
There was a small box on the kitchen table. I looked inside to find the homework assignments I’d missed. Colin must have dropped them off.
The homework was less than I expected. A short quiz for AP lit, some calculus problems, and reading for AP chemistry. I finished it all in a few hours, which would normally be a good thing. But it wasn’t today. I was hoping the homework would last longer to keep my mind off everything else.
I was bored, and boredom meant that I would start thinking about the accident again. I tried reading a book. But I couldn’t concentrate and kept having to reread the same page over and over. I went to look out the window. Some neighbor kids were throwing snowballs, making the dog next door bark uncontrollably.
Across the street I noticed a shiny black sedan that looked like it belonged to some car service for celebrities or rich people. The windows were tinted so dark you couldn’t see inside. The car had New York plates, which was an unusual sight in Minnesota. I looked closer and saw that the back window was open a little with a cigarette hanging out of it. I imagined a driver sitting up front, waiting for directions on where to go.
The phone rang, startling me. “Hey, Sam. Okay if I come over? I’m just leaving school.”
“Hi, Colin,” I said, still staring at the sedan. “I didn’t know it was so late. Yeah, come over.”
“Okay. See ya soon.”
He sounded more enthusiastic than usual, which made me think he had yet another gift or surprise in store for me. I changed out of my sweats and brushed my hair to make myself halfway presentable.
When Colin arrived, he did have a surprise: tickets to the winter formal. “I know you don’t like school dances, but this was the last day they were selling tickets. So I went ahead and got them. We don’t have to go. Or we could go and just stay an hour.”
He was way too excited about the dance. To be fair, Colin was way too into everything about high school—sports, dances, activities—he loved it all.
“It’s too soon, isn’t it?” Colin asked. “Well, it’s not for a few weeks, but that’s still too soon, right? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll go.”
Colin gave me a huge hug. “Really? That’s great, Sam! And I talked to Allie and she’s going, too. I’m sure she’s going with Brad, but I bet she waits until the day before to tell him. You know she how she is.”
“Hey, come over here for a minute.” I led Colin to the window. “See that black car out there?”
“Yeah. What about it?”
“It seems odd. Don’t you think? A car like that with New York plates? Dark tinted windows? Just hanging out in the neighborhood?”
“I don’t know where you’re going with this, Sam. It’s just a car.” Colin was not picking up on the suspicion in my voice, probably still in shock that I would go to the dance.
“Don’t you think it’s strange? That they’re just sitting out there in the cold?”
“How do you know people are sitting in there?”
“I saw a cigarette hanging out the window.”
“Sam, do you think that maybe you need to get out of the house?” he asked cautiously. I knew he was hinting that I shouldn’t be home sitting in my room that night, reliving the exact moment of the accident.
And he was right. I couldn’t relive that moment. I needed that one-week anniversary to come and go so I could move past it. But it seemed wrong to go anywhere. Like I was wasn’t being respectful to my parents. I knew Mom and Dad would disagree. They would say that staying home and reliving their accident wasn’t healthy.
My parents were always very rational about death. As scientists, they described death as a part of the life cycle that should be accepted, not mourned for months on end. I could almost feel Mom nudging me to get out of the house.
“We don’t have to go out, Sam. We can just go to my house if you want.”
“Okay. And you’re right. I probably shouldn’t be here tonight.” I went up and hugged him. “Thanks, Colin. You always know what I need.”
He gave me a kiss and hugged me closer. I could feel his happiness; I was glad to be the cause of it. I resolved to do more of that in the future. Colin was always there when I needed him. And I had never given him enough credit for all that he did for me.
Colin and I went to his house and watched a movie, but my mind was on the accident the whole time. The more I thought about it, the more guilt I felt. What was I thinking? I should be home, mourning them, I thought. What kind of person am I?
By the end of the movie, I felt sick to my stomach and made Colin take me home. We watched TV without talking. I tried to hide my guilt and sadness from Colin but after a few hours, I couldn’t do it any more.
Tears started running down my face and wouldn’t stop. Colin held me close. “It’s gonna be okay, Sam,” he whispered. “You’re gonna get through this.”
I fell asleep in his arms.
“The girl’s not ready. It’s too soon.” A man in a white lab coat was standing over me. My eyes felt heavy and I struggled to keep them open.
“Then MAKE her ready. Give her some drugs and do the procedure. The meeting is in a week. There’s no time to wait.” Another man stood over me. He looked important, wearing a dark tailored suit.
“But you know what happened before. Something could go wrong. And we don’t know how she’s going to react. What if she—” The man in the lab coat looked frightened, but the fright seemed to be aimed more at me than the man in the suit.
“She’s a teenage girl for crying out loud. What the hell is she going to do to us?” The man’s face was growing red with anger and impatience. “This is experimental research. You never know what will happen until you do it. Now get started.”
“Yes, sir. We’ll prepare her today and do the procedure first thing in the morning.”
The man in the suit smiled, “Now that’s the attitude I’m looking for. You should be enjoying this! Most scientists only dream of the opportunity to be a part of something so big.”
I felt my head clear. I opened my eyes more and saw nothing but white. White walls, white floors, white sheets on a bed. I looked down and saw myself in the bed, arms and legs clamped down at each end, unable to move. I pulled hard on the metal clamps, then screamed. But no sound would come out.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Acceptance
I bolted upright and looked around. No white walls. No white anything. It was just a nightmare, I told myself. I was in my own bed and still in my jeans and t-shirt. Colin must have helped me up to my room before heading home.
I looked out the window. The sun was just staring to rise. It was Saturday, so the streets were quiet.
I went downstairs, where I found Dave having breakfast.
“Sam. You’re up early. Want to sit with me?” Dave looked like he’d only had a few hours of sleep.
“Okay.” I poured some coffee and sat down across from him.
“So you went over to Colin’s last night?” I could tell Dave was trying to avoid the whole one-week anniversary issue, but I wondered what he thought of me, hanging out at my boyfriend’s house a week after my parents’ accident. I felt ashamed of myself.
“I watched a movie over there. He rented some sci-fi movie. That one where the aliens try to take over the world and a small town mechanic somehow saves everyone.” I rolled my eyes, taking a sip of coffee. “It was dumb.”
“All those sci-fi movies are dumb. The science in those movies is completely inaccurate.”
“Because it’s fiction. Nobody wants to see a movie about what real scientists are doing.”
The small talk was driving me crazy. I had to clear the air.
“Uncle Dave, I know what you must be thinking. About me going out last night. It was wrong.” The guilt came flooding into every cell of my body, and I started crying uncontrollably. “I shouldn’t have done it. I don’t know what I was thinking!”
My sudden outburst took Dave by surprise. He quickly got out of his chair and wrapped his arms around me.
“How could I be so selfish? I’m an awful person. I should have been home, thinking about them, mourning them.” I could barely get the words out between sobs.
“No, Sam. You did nothing wrong. Do you think that’s what your parents would have wanted? You sitting and crying alone in your room all night? Of course not. They wouldn’t want you to stop living your life. They wouldn’t want you stuck up in your room for the next six weeks or months or however long.” His tone was stern, just like my parents would have wanted it to be. He was taking charge, being the parental figure that I needed.
“Listen to me, Sam.” He held my head up to look at him. “You can’t let guilt eat you up inside. It wasn’t your fault what happened. I know you, and I know you’ve come up with a thousand things you should have done that you’re sure would have prevented this, but you’re wrong. You understand me? You are not responsible for this.”
My sadness turned to anger. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling! And of course I could have prevented this! I was the one who told them to go out that night! If I had just let them stay home, they’d be here right now!” Saying it out loud made me feel even more guilty.
Dave grabbed my hands. “No, Sam.” His voice was forceful. “This was not something you c
ould control. It was a—” He hesitated. “It was an accident. A horrible accident.”
“Just get away from me. Don’t you have to go to work or something?” I yanked my hands from his and turned away.
“It’s Saturday. I’m spending the day with you. You’ve been alone in this house all week. It was wrong of me to let that happen. Work can wait. I don’t care what happens with my job. I don’t care if I get fired. I promised your parents I would take care of you if anything ever happened to them, and I’ve been doing a terrible job. And for that I’m truly sorry, Sam. I’ve disappointed them. And you. But that’s going to change.”
I looked up at Dave, seeing the commitment on his face. It was true. The past week, he hadn’t been there for me. He’d spent every minute at work. But I could feel now that something had changed
The rest of the weekend, Dave and I spent together at home. Dave turned his cell phone off and never once checked his email. I called Colin and Allie and explained that I needed some time alone with Dave.
On Monday morning, Dave and I met at the kitchen table for breakfast. We both knew that we weren’t ready to return to normal life. We knew, without even saying it, that we needed more time to grieve.
The week went by slowly. He didn’t go to work and I didn’t go to school. Each day, I started opening up more to Dave. He was right about my guilt. It had been destroying me since the accident. As the week went on, I started to accept the painful truth that I actually couldn’t have prevented my parents’ deaths. That it was an accident. It wasn’t fair, but it was life and sometimes life sucked.
By Friday, two weeks post accident, Dave and I made dinner together and afterwards he told me stories about Mom and Dad when they were younger. They were stories I’d never heard about their early years of marriage. I realized that Dave was a link to my parents’ past, the only link I had.
I went to bed early that night because I wanted the moment of the accident to come and go while I slept. The next morning, I felt like a small weight had been lifted off my chest, letting me breathe. It was just enough to make me feel an ounce of hope for the future. That maybe I could survive this tragedy.
The Samantha Project Page 9