What the hell is wrong with me? Am I that disenchanted with relationships and men in general that I’m always going to second-guess myself?
Then a thought … no, a person pops into my thoughts.
Aiden.
“Thanks a lot, asshole,” I say out loud and turn onto my street.
It’s his fault I’m like this. I’ve been trying for so long to let go of my past with him, but today is proof positive that I’m still as fucked up as ever. Dammit! Why did he have to pop up out of nowhere all of a sudden? I had my life all nice and neat and compartmentalized. But no, he comes along and throws a monkey wrench into my emotional stability and makes me question every goddamn thing I do. And Alex seems to be the one suffering the brunt of it. Trust me, I know rationally that Alex doesn’t deserve this. He’s a great guy, and I’d be an idiot of the highest order if I didn’t take a chance with him.
I walk into my house still reeling from the afternoon at Alex’s house and the self-loathing trip I’ve been heaping onto myself the whole drive home. I’m exhausted, confused, and fed up. It’s officially time for me to take the bull by the horns and give Alex a fair shot. How I’m going to do that I don’t know yet, but he’s definitely in my sights, and I’m going to sleep with him whether I like it or not.
Well, if today was any indication, I’m going to love it, but that’s beside the point.
What was it that Sabrina used to say all the time? Something about tomorrow being a better day or some crazy shit like that, I think.
Whatever. Close enough.
Tomorrow is going to be a better day for me, even if it kills me.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Monday mornings are not my favorite day of the week to begin with, but this morning is even worse than usual. I’m really dragging. From stopping my mother from committing murder, finding out that my parents still have sex—I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it—and finally everything that happened with Alex. Seriously, my head feels like it’s spinning from all the crap I have going on in there. Because I still have to figure out a way to be around him and try not to be too distracted while still planning his niece’s party. And if you’ve ever been in the same room as Alex, good luck on not being distracted by him. It’s next to impossible for me.
When I arrive at work, I make a beeline to the coffee machine and pour myself a cup before heading into my office, hoping that it will clear my head a little. While I’m waiting for my laptop to fire up, I pull out my iPad to review my notes from when I met with Josie yesterday and place it on my desk. Tapping my fingernails against my coffee mug as I’m thinking of a way to approach Lisette without it backfiring on me, I finally pick up the phone and call her into my office. She’s not in the room for more than a second before she zeroes in on my mood.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“That’s nice. No good morning or how was your weekend,” I answer sarcastically. “By the way, close the door behind you.”
After she swings the door shut, she walks over and sits down. “Good morning. How was your weekend, and what’s wrong with you? Is that better?”
“What makes you think there’s something wrong with me?” I ask.
“I don’t know what gave it away first, the hair in a messy bun or the bags under your eyes. Something is definitely up with you.”
I put down my mug and lean back in my chair. Lisette doesn’t know it yet, but she’s going to help me with Alex, kind of. See, I don’t want to just call him up and say, “Hey, how about we finally have sex? Does today work for you? Great! Sounds like a plan!”
I concur, that would be a bit on the slutty side.
With him, I think I need to bide my time, not just jump into bed with him. Or at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself of, and it kept me from sleeping most of the night. Well that and having a battle with myself over grabbing my vibrator and finishing off what he started. For the record, I didn’t, and that’s probably why I’m even crankier. Oh, please! Have you ever been that close to coming and then not? It’s like being … you know what, it can’t be described. It sucks ass, plain and simple.
Anyway, I’m hoping that Lisette will help in being something of a buffer between us as far as helping plan this party for Josie. The way I see it, if she’s around us during meetings, phone calls, and so forth, then he won’t dare to make a move—or at least that’s what I hope will happen. And that will buy me the time that I need to get to know him better to see where, if anywhere, this can go with him.
“Niña, just spit it out already,” Lisette drawls out, seemingly bored at my holding up the conversation.
“Okay, what I’m about to tell you cannot leave this room,” I warn.
She nods, but that isn’t good enough. “I need you to swear on one of those saints you pray to or something like that.”
Lisette’s eyebrows shoot up so high that I’m afraid they may need to be surgically removed from her hairline. “Oh, this must be good. Fine, I swear on San Lazaro that this won’t leave this room.”
Still leaning back in my chair, I steeple my fingers together under my chin and let it all out. “I went to Alex’s house yesterday. At first it was to meet with his niece to plan a birthday party for her in a few weeks. But after she left, it turned into what I think can only be described as a date, sort of. He asked me to stay for dinner, so I did. Somehow we ended up making out in his bedroom, and then luckily the Chinese delivery guy got us to stop. Then during dinner I gave him all the reasons why we can’t be together, and the next thing I know I’m up against his wall about to have the best orgasm of my life with all of our clothes still on.”
Lisette’s movements are frozen, as is the shocked expression on her face.
“So I need your help and, as much as it kills me to say it, advice.”
She’s still speechless. I don’t blame her. Not only would the developments with Alex be a shocker to her, but me coming out and asking for advice too? Hell may have officially frozen over.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” I ask.
Her glazed-over look disappears, and she leans forward in her chair.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“No, I didn’t. I couldn’t,” I add as an afterthought under my breath.
“And why couldn’t you sleep with him?”
“I’d rather not say. We just stopped, and I left shortly after that.”
Lisette is cursing in Spanish while she pulls out her cell phone and starts pressing some buttons rather violently.
“What the hell was that about?” I ask.
“I just texted Sarah,” she answers in an annoyed voice when her phone dings in her hands. “She just said she’ll be here in five minutes and not to say another word until she gets here.”
“What the hell, Lisette?! Didn’t I just ask you to keep this shit between us? Didn’t you swear on Saint Larry that you wouldn’t breathe a word of it to anyone?”
She crosses herself before letting out a long sigh. “It was San Lazaro, and for the record, he would be fine with it. Plus, we need reinforcements.”
“You are unbelievable! I ask for your help and you text Sarah?”
“She works for the man. We—I mean you, need her help too,” she says. “So shush! Not another word from you until Sarah gets here.”
Unreal. And the best part is I’m stupid enough to sit here and do exactly what she says. I try to busy myself with checking my e-mails, but that’s not going to happen while I have Lisette staring at me like a hawk. I give up and turn my seat around to face her again. She’s got a funny look on her face as if she’s trying to hold in a fart and it’s killing her. Her movements are jerky and irritated, and more importantly playing on my last nerve.
“Fuck this noise,” I announce, and go to stand up. “I’m out of here. You two can figure this out on—”
“I’m here! I’m here!” Sarah yells, running into my office and slamming the door behind her. “Did I miss anything?”
“Bloody hell,” I say. “Did you run here?”
“Yup,” she proudly says.
“What did you say to Alex?” Lisette asks, and I instantly sit back down because I have to admit I’m dying to know what the answer is too.
“I told him I had to run to Navarro’s and buy some tampons,” she says. “I’ve got about a half hour before I have to be back at the gallery. So what’s up?”
I shoot a confused look at Lisette. “I thought you said you told her?”
“I didn’t give her all the details,” she says.
I roll my eyes while Lisette then proceeds to fill Sarah quickly in on everything that transpired with Alex over the weekend. When she’s done, she adds, “So now this one”—she nods toward me—“doesn’t know how to not screw this up.”
“Hello, I’m sitting right here,” I say, annoyed.
“Well it’s true! That’s pretty much what you said before Sarah got here.”
I sigh in exasperation and cover my face with my hands. When I look at them through my fingers, they are practically bouncing in their seats with glee.
“This was a bad idea,” I say quietly. Neither of them answers; I didn’t expect them to. I think mostly because they can tell I’m at my wits’ end.
“Ladies, how old are we? Seriously, I mean it. We’re behaving like a bunch of teenyboppers. I’m almost thirty. Lisette, who knows how the fuck old you are, but I bet it’s old enough to remember where you were when Kennedy was shot. And Sarah, well you’re too cute to know any better, no offense.”
“None taken,” Sarah chirps with a wave of her hand.
“Well, I’m offended!” Lisette shouts. “I’m not old enough to remember that, but I am old enough to tell you to keep your skinny ass in that seat and listen to us for a change. You wanted help, dammit, so you’re going to get it.”
“My ass isn’t that skinny,” I point out while lifting one butt cheek off the seat to look at it. It’s not, I swear. It’s a size six, sometimes eight, depending on what store I go into to shop. You all know how that goes.
The room falls silent again after Lisette’s outburst. When they start to chatter amongst themselves, I take the opportunity to grab my mug of coffee, and I notice the time. I’ve been at work for all of forty-five minutes and have not accomplished a single thing.
“Okay, I’ve brought her up to speed,” Lisette says. “Now we’ve got a few questions for you, and you have to answer them truthfully.”
I reluctantly nod.
“No, not good enough,” Sarah says. “You have to swear.”
“Ha! Like this one?” I laugh while pointing to Lisette. “She swore she wouldn’t tell anyone, yet here you are.”
“Like I wasn’t going to tell Sarah about all of this? Por favor, Julia.”
I give Lisette the evil eye and at the same time swear that I will answer their questions honestly. They look at each other and mumble over who’s going to go first. “Seriously, ladies, I don’t have all day. Can we move this along?”
Lisette speaks up. “I’ll go first then. Do you like Alex?”
“Really? Is that the best you got? Will you pass him a note in study hall for me if I say yes?” I mock while clasping my hands together under my chin and batting my eyelashes like a lovesick teenager.
“If you want me to, I will,” Sarah answers seriously. Poor kid, she’s just along for the ride.
Lisette chuckles before clearing her throat. “Just answer the question for us, if you don’t mind.”
“Fine. I do. I like him, okay. Are you happy now?”
“Not yet,” she says. “But at least we’re getting somewhere.”
“My turn.” Sarah’s voice goes all giddy. “Why didn’t you sleep with him yesterday?”
“Sorry, I can’t answer that. Next question.”
When they finally figure out I’m not budging on this, Lisette puts her hand up as if she’s in a classroom, and the idiot that I am points at her like I’m the teacher keeping these two in line.
“Then answer this one instead. Do you want to sleep with him?”
With a nonchalant eye roll, I answer as unaffected as possible. “Yeah, so? Have you seen him? I bet anyone within a five-mile radius who has a pulse and a vagina would answer that question in the same exact way. So that doesn’t prove a damn thing.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” Lisette singsongs.
Sarah raises her hand quickly in the air, and I point at her. “Well, I for one would definitely sleep with him.”
“Thank you for that information, Sarah,” I acknowledge with a smile. “I’ll be able to sleep a little better tonight knowing that.”
Lisette smacks Sarah’s arm and tells her to shut up, then looks in my direction with a determined grin. “You can say whatever you want, Julia, but we all know that there’s more to this thing with Alex than you’re letting on. And you know what? That’s totally fine, but between me and Sarah, we’re going to make this happen.”
They give each other a high five as I’m bringing the heels of my hands to my eyes. I rub them hard, probably ruining my slack-ass makeup job that I did this morning in a rush to get out of the house. When I pull them away from my face, I mumble, “You sound just like Alex.”
“What did he say?” Sarah asks, and they both lean forward, waiting on bated breath for me to explain.
“He said that whatever it is between us is going to happen, and then he said … I can’t tell you what else he said.”
“Bullshit, you can’t!” Lisette almost roars.
“Yeah, you need to spill it,” Sarah agrees.
“Fine, but I swear that if either of you says anything to anyone else, I will do everything in my power to make your lives miserable.”
They both swear in unison, so I go on and tell them in an almost whisper what they’re dying to hear. “He said that he was going to make me come so many times that I wouldn’t have time to come up with more excuses as to why we couldn’t be together.”
Lisette crosses herself while Sarah says something about Jesus and how incredibly sexy that is. Seriously, if this wasn’t all about my personal life, I’d be loving this little meeting of the minds like nobody’s business. But seeing as it’s all about me, I think it’s safe to say I’m not enjoying myself too much.
“Well at least we know he’s not a mangina kind of guy,” Sarah says out of the blue.
I’m almost too afraid to ask, but come on, wouldn’t you be sitting here wondering what the fuck she’s talking about? I may regret it later, but I’m totally going to bite on this one.
“What the hell is a mangina?” I ask, trying to keep a straight face.
“Oh, my best friend Sandra came up with that. It’s when a guy, usually a really masculine or hot kind of guy, acts like a complete …”
“Like a complete what?” Lisette and I both ask at the same time.
Sarah cups her mouth, and in an almost inaudible voice says, “Pussy.”
In between laughs I manage to say, “Alrighty then, I’d say that marks the end of this little powwow.”
“Yeah,” Sarah says while standing up to leave. “I have to get back to the gallery before Alex thinks I’m never coming back. And I still have to stop somewhere and buy a box of tampons.”
I’m about to tell her that she probably doesn’t need to actually go out and do that because it’s not like Alex will check to make sure she did. But you know what? I keep my mouth shut because it’s just more fun that way. She runs out as quickly as she appeared, leaving Lisette and me all alone again.
“I hope you’re happy now,” I say to her after we’ve stared at each other for a few seconds.
“I’m not going to be happy until you get your head out of your ass and go for it. This isn’t like you, Julia. Think about it. When was the last time you were such a mess over a man?”
I know exactly when that was, and thanks to that little comment, we have officially acknowledged the elephant in the room.
“Juli
a, he’s not Aiden,” she says carefully.
“I know he’s not Aiden,” I answer a little too defensively.
“Then what’s the problem? Why do you need anybody’s help or advice?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I … I’m afraid I’ll screw it up. I always screw it up.”
“No, you don’t,” Lisette says. “And if I catch you saying that about yourself again, I will personally kick your ass up and down Ocean Avenue.”
I choke back a laugh at the visual. Lisette may be mouthy and opinionated like me, but there is no way in hell she can take me.
“Don’t laugh,” she warns. “You’ve only seen pieces of my Cuban temper.” She pauses and then adds, “And stop feeling sorry for yourself—it doesn’t become you. So what if you saw Aiden the other day? He’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. Get over it. Don’t let him be the reason that you hold back on Alex, because that’s not fair to not only him, but to yourself too.”
“You think I don’t already know that, Lisette?” I ask. “Trust me, I do. And for the record, I’m not feeling sorry for myself.”
“Oh no? Are you sure about that? Because it sure sounds like you are.”
“Okay, okay,” I say through gritted teeth. “Maybe you’re a little right about the feeling sorry for myself bit.”
Lisette stands up and places both hands on my desk and narrows her eyes at me. “Julia, you don’t need help or advice. What you need is to let go and admit that you want Alex. That you want more than sex with him. Because until you do, you’re going be a miserable bitch. So do us all a favor, and pick up the phone and call him.”
“Gee, don’t hold back on my account,” I say sarcastically. Inside though, I know she’s right.
Playing It Safe Page 10