As we watched the sleek horses circle the parade ring, their colorful riders perched on their backs, I made myself imagine the moment. Sam is on one knee (shortness of breath). He’s telling me how much he loves me (tickly stomach feeling). He reaches into his pocket (smile on my face), takes out a box and opens it. Hannah, will you marry me?
Panic. That’s what I felt.
‘I’m going with the gray one,’ Sam said. ‘Friends Forever. He looks good and he’s won twice already. Ready to place our bets?’
When we got to the betting window, Sam said, ‘Four hundred dollars to win on number four, please.’
My mouth hung open. ‘Sam! You’re betting that much?’ It was fifty US dollars.
‘Well, I think he’ll win. Isn’t it more fun betting big? Come on, Han, where’s your sense of adventure?’ He laughed, kissing me as he handed his money to the betting agent.
‘My sense of adventure isn’t that big. I was going to bet the minimum.’
‘Aw, that’s no fun. Don’t you want to take some risk? Han? What’s the matter?’
He didn’t know me at all. I didn’t want adventure, didn’t get the adrenalin rush he did when faced with life-threatening feats. I was happy making minimum bets and going on poolside holidays and eating food I could identify. Sam had no idea who I really was. I couldn’t let him marry a lie.
‘I don’t, actually, Sam. I don’t want to take risks, and I’m not adventurous like you… I’m not a lot of things that you are.’ I felt myself welling up. ‘And I am a lot of things that I think you’re not.’
‘What do you mean?’ He said, his voice hardly above a whisper.
‘We’re just so different, Sam. You don’t know how different we are. Remember when we first got together, and you took me to the Jimmy Choo event?’ He nodded, probably wondering why that was making me cry a year later. ‘Remember when we talked about films?’
I’d asked then whether we were really as incompatible as our divergent interests implied. He was an economist with a PhD. I had an unhealthy shoe obsession and planned parties for a living. ‘You said it didn’t matter that we had different interests. That we liked each other and that was what mattered. You said we’d find things in common.’ Then we compared films and realized that we both hated costume dramas. I wasn’t sure we could base an entire relationship on a mutual disdain for bustles and butlers, but I did feel a little better. My transformation must have started there. ‘But there’s so much, Sam, so much that makes us different from each other.’
He gently took my face in his hands. ‘Hannah. None of that matters. I love you. And you love me. That’s what will make us happy together for the rest of our lives.’
The rest of our lives. I couldn’t pretend for the rest of our lives. He was in love with a lie, a girlfriend that didn’t exist. If we were to be together, I had to tell him. But if he knew the whole truth, including Brent, he wouldn’t love me. He’d hate me for tricking him into loving me. And he’d hate me for betraying his trust. I wouldn’t blame him. I wasn’t so crazy about myself at the moment.
‘Sam, I’m sorry. I don’t think we can continue with… this. I’m sorry.’
‘Hannah, what are you saying? Come on, talk to me. You’re scaring me.’
‘I’m scared too. Oh god, it’s so hard to explain. It all comes down to the same thing. I’m uncertain. I’m not sure about whether we’ve got everything it takes to be together. It’s so hard to have a relationship that works, and I look at us and I see differences. Maybe big differences.’ I couldn’t face telling him what all those differences were. His look was horrible enough as it was. Imagine how he’d feel to know he wasn’t really dating the woman he thought he was. It was gutless not to confess, I know, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t face breaking up and having him hate me.
‘But we love each other,’ he said. ‘That’s the important thing, the basis for a good relationship. Love and respect. We have that. Why isn’t that enough?’
‘It should be enough, but I’m afraid it’s not. Maybe too much has happened, too many things that I can’t get over. I don’t know.’ Oh, what a coward I was, offering that up as the excuse. Such a despicable hypocrite.
He shook his head. ‘I thought we worked through that together. I took you at your word when you said we should see other people. I never thought you’d say something like that if you didn’t mean it. Your argument was valid. It wasn’t fair that you’d moved all the way to Hong Kong just to get stuck waiting for me to come back on weekends. You were right. You shouldn’t have been tied down to me when I couldn’t give you what you wanted. And I couldn’t be in Hong Kong all the time. I felt awful about that. You got a bum deal and you deserved a fun life. But Han, a date means nothing if you don’t have any feelings for that person. And I didn’t. It was a diversion, that’s all. My feelings were with you. Now, knowing all the facts, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m so, so sorry that I hurt you that way. But I thought you forgave me for being stupid. Didn’t you?’
‘I thought so too. But that hurt is still there. I don’t know if it will go away.’ That was true, at least. I screwed my eyes shut. I didn’t want to see him hurt like that. ‘Sam, you shouldn’t come home with me tomorrow. I’m too unsure. I don’t want you to meet my family. They’ll just love you because you’re amazing and they’ll be excited that we’re together, and I don’t want that when I’m not sure. I’m sorry. It’s not right. It’s not what I want. I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t understand, Hannah,’ he whispered. ‘I don’t understand what I did. I’ve just loved you, all along, and done everything I can to make you happy. I’ve been so happy with you. I thought you were too. I thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together.’ He sniffed loudly, grinding his fingers into his eyes. ‘If you don’t want us to be together, and you don’t want to talk about this, then I need to go now. I can’t think straight. I need to go. I need to think.’
‘I understand. There’s nothing else I can say.’ Except I love you. And I couldn’t say that. It wasn’t fair.
He looked at me for what seemed like minutes, as tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘Hannah, I love you,’ he finally said. ‘I always will. Always, no matter what.’
He walked away before I could say anything. He took my heart with him. That was okay, though. It was broken anyway.
♫ On the Twelfth day of Christmas my fortune gave to me…
faith in my future
the eleventh hour deadline
bosses a-staying
merry ladies dancing
trouble deciding
jolly friends a gambling
sneaky people meddling
clever new plans
champagne for two
the good friend
two second thoughts
and a ticket home to see my family ♪
I tried consoling myself that at least I had my answer before we went home. Before it got any messier. That didn’t work. The peaceful feeling of making a decision still eluded me.
Stacy was waiting for me when I got back from Happy Valley. She knew I still needed to pack and was guarding her closet against the raid she knew would come.
‘I broke up with Sam.’ I probably didn’t need to tell her this. My face said it all.
‘Oh no. Come here, honey.’ She gathered me in a bear hug, which just made the snot factory that had started operations at the racecourse step up production. ‘What happened?’
I told her exactly what I’d told Sam.
‘How did you leave things?’
Broken. I’d left them broken. ‘He said he couldn’t think straight, and that he loved me. Then he left.’
‘Do you believe that he loves you?’
‘I do.’
‘And you love him?’
I nodded. ‘I don’t think that’s enough. Sam says it is, but I don’t think so. He says there’s nothing that can make him go off me, but he doesn’t really know me. You know how much I’ve kept from him. He love
s his version of me. I can’t tell him now that our entire relationship is based on lies.’ Especially that one unforgiveable lie.
‘You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face by not telling him the truth. Give him a chance to see you as you really are. The differences can’t really be that important. Is saving face worth losing the relationship?’
‘But I lose the relationship either way. He won’t accept me as I really am after I’ve lied to him all this time. He’d be crazy to do that. Stacy, I’ve never been myself around him. He doesn’t even know who I am. How can he trust anything about me if he finds that out? How would he trust anything anyone told him again?’
Imagine falling in love with someone only to find out they’re not the person you thought they were. How could I have been so stupid? What on earth made me think that I could build a relationship like that?
I arrived at the airport fresh from a sobbing fit over breakfast. That followed my crying jag in the shower, which came after my bawling session when the alarm went off.
I’d really messed up. I mean monumentally, utterly, incredibly messed up. I tried not to indulge the if-onlys, but they were demanding little monsters. Individually, the fibs hadn’t seemed like a big deal. A white lie here, an omission there. I was willing to bet most women had done it. But there were so many. As I’d lain in bed ticking down the hours till I had to get ready for my flight, every one of them poked me in the ribs, reminding me it was there. They added up to an entirely new person. One who Sam fell in love with.
I’d cheated him. I made him believe in a Hannah Jane Cumming who didn’t exist. There was no way out of the cage I’d built. To tell him meant he’d hate me for the lies (and rightly so). At least this way he wasn’t filled with hatred and mistrust. Not to tell him meant living those lies, and hating myself for it. I’d either lose us, or I’d lose me. I chose not to lose me. Better late than never.
I suppose that was the silver lining in that category five hurricane. I was, finally, one hundred per cent sure of one thing. I’d never lose myself again. Not one lie would pass my lips, ever. Not one adaptation to appear more alluring, to be more acceptable, to become what someone else wanted me to be. It probably meant I’d eventually live in Stacy’s basement with cats for company, but it was worth the risk. Finally, a risk I was willing to take. I would not be anyone but myself, for anyone, ever again. If I wasn’t loved for who I was, for exactly who I was, warts and all, then the relationship wasn’t for me.
The Departures hall buzzed with happy travelers. The Christmas season had truly taken hold. I joined the crowd waiting to check in to the New York flight, wondering how my parents would take the news that I wasn’t bringing Sam home after all. They’d be surprised when they didn’t see a man at my side in Arrivals. Their grinning faces would slide into concern, then worry that I was all right. My face would tell them I was anything but all right.
But I would be, eventually. I’d badly let myself down. In trying to become my imagined version of ‘the perfect woman’ for Sam, I’d betrayed myself. I had a lot of forgiving to do, and a lot of thinking to do to convince myself that I deserved that forgiveness. My wounds were self-inflicted. I was the only one who could apply the balm that would heal them.
The immaculate man behind the counter was processing passengers with impressive efficiency. I’d hardly had time to play my usual find-my-passport game when he called me forward.
‘Hannah,’ he said as I was searching my bag. It wasn’t there. Maybe I’d accidentally packed it in my suitcase. I’d put it in the handbag I planned to take on the plane before changing to a carry-on that would accommodate all the magazines I knew I’d buy. Maybe I didn’t take it out before packing the bag. I definitely put it… somewhere.
‘Hannah.’
Hold on. How would the check-in clerk know my name?
It came from behind me. I knew before I turned that it was Sam.
‘What are you doing here?’ I felt my face flush as my heart raced. He looked so gorgeous, though sleepy, like I felt. He always looked positively edible in the mornings… Wait a minute. Get a hold of yourself. He’s not yours to lust after any more.
‘I came because I have something to say.’ He took my hand. I didn’t resist. Then he dropped to one knee, causing a commotion in Departures as everyone waiting to check in turned to us, hoping for a better look.
Oh my god.
‘Hannah.’ He smiled, tears in his eyes. ‘You are the most amazing, incredible woman in the world to me. I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. I look at you and the feeling overwhelms me. It’s hard to breathe sometimes. Last night I felt like my world was ending, but no matter what you said, I can’t just walk away. I have to know. If you’ll marry me, I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life doing everything in my power to be worthy of your love. You’re perfect.’ He pulled the ring from his pocket, and stared into my eyes. ‘So, will you, Hannah? Will you marry me?’
A circle of passengers had formed around us. It was eerily silent. I looked at Sam, his face open, waiting for whatever my answer would be. I looked at the faces of the strangers that surrounded us, theirs full of expectation.
‘No. I’m sorry, Sam.’
He didn’t react at first. Which was more than I could say for the other passengers. Groans and gasps escaped several of them.
‘Sam, please go,’ I whispered, unwilling to carry on in front of everyone.
‘No, I won’t.’
‘Then I will.’ I threw my carry-on over my shoulder and started wheeling my bag determinedly towards the train that would take me back to Hong Kong. I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was I had to get out of there.
He grabbed my arm, stopping me just before I got to the exit. ‘Hannah, no. I won’t let you run away again. You did it last night, and I let you go. You did it before, when you broke up with me, and I let you go then too. I won’t let you go again. Not without an explanation. You have to talk to me this time. Why are you doing this? I won’t stop you, it’s your–’ His voice broke. My eyes were already streaming. ‘It’s your decision. But we have to talk.’
‘Sam, there’s nothing you can say. It’s not you. It’s me.’
‘That’s what you said last night. But how can it be? Hannah, please. Be honest with me. Tell me why you don’t want to marry me. I deserve that.’
The truth of his statement struck me then. He did, at least, deserve honesty. I couldn’t let him believe that this was his fault. It wasn’t. He’d never actually put any pressure on me at all. He wasn’t the one who decided I needed to hide who I really was. That was all me. It was time to be a grown-up and admit that.
‘I haven’t been honest with you, Sam. I’m not who you think I am. When we were first friends I guess I let you see a little bit of the real me. But as soon as I liked you, I changed. Oh, I don’t mean I really changed. I only changed around you.’ I sighed. ‘You say you’re in love with me, but you have no idea who I really am.’
‘What do you mean?’ His eyes searched mine in confusion. ‘How are you different from the Hannah I know? Or, should I say, the Hannah I think I know?
His voice had taken on a slight edge. Given that I’d just told him I’d been lying for a year, I was surprised it was only a slight edge. Still, I couldn’t stop now. ‘Well, for one thing, I don’t care about economics, or the financial crisis, or politics. I find them boring. I only pretend to be listening when you go on about them.’
‘I see. What else?’
‘I did take a business course in college, but I failed too many classes and switched to communications. I didn’t do very well in that either. I was never on the Dean’s List. And I got my first PR job from a guy I met in a bar. I wasn’t recruited from school. I just said that because you’re so… so academic. Your whole family sound like rocket scientists.’
‘Well, they’re not.’
‘But you’re so worthy. I’ve never been like that. I didn’t volunteer for chariti
es, or teach English to underprivileged kids.’
‘Did you really volunteer for the New York Marathon?’
‘No. Stacy and I went down and signed in, then watched it in a bar. And I also didn’t run five kilometers for charity. I did sign up for one, but then forgot to raise any money. It didn’t matter, I couldn’t have run it anyway. I was too unfit. I just wrote a check to the charity and got the tee shirt.’
‘The one you like to wear to bed?’
‘That’s the one. It’s worn under false pretenses. Sam, I’ve never run in my life. I hate exercise. When I go to the gym with Stacy, I sit in the cafe drinking smoothies until she’s finished. I’m not one of those people who thinks her body is a temple. It’s usually a trash bin. You should see what I eat when I’m not with you. And while we’re at it, I don’t like trekking. I only told you that I wanted to hike Kilimanjaro because, after the disaster in Laos, I feared you’d never want to go on vacation with me again. There’s no way you’d get me trekking again. Unless it’s from the pool to the spa, I’m not interested.’
‘And you can’t really ride a bike, can you?’
Ugh, our New Forest ride last year. Those bloodstains never came out. ‘No, and for the record I can’t ski or sail, either. I only knew what a J-24 was because one of Stacy’s boyfriends used to race them and we’d meet him and his friends at the marina after the races. I only went for the drinks and the men. I’ve never even been on a sailboat. I’m just not adventurous like that. I’ll never want to abseil or river raft. I don’t like risks.’
‘Well, that’s just not true. You moved to London. And to Hong Kong.’
Oh, right. That little fib. ‘I only moved to London because I’d got drunk and bought a non-refundable plane ticket... and I only moved to Hong Kong because of you. I had no plans for personal growth. If you hadn’t moved here, I’d never have come. So I’m sorry, Sam. Now do you see why our relationship can’t work? It’s built on lies. You aren’t in love with me. You’re in love with a lie.’
The Expat Diaries: Twelve Days to Christmas (Single in the City Book 3) Page 8