I find another door leading out of the base, one that takes me directly outside instead of into a room riddled with herbs and charms that’ll make my skin crawl away. The night air is cold against my skin this winter night, but I don’t bother with a coat. A sweater and jeans is enough to keep me reasonably warm.
The full moon is shining down on me in all of its glowing glory. Tomorrow night the moon will appear a little smaller. Full or not, the moon is the most beautiful thing about the night, and its rejuvenating light is what I need right now.
I step farther outside and jump, catching the edge of the roof and pulling myself up the rest of the way. Once I’m on top, I settle down by first taking a seat, and then lying down so that I can gaze directly up at the moon.
I told the hunters all the information I knew about other demons. I couldn’t help it, but at least Tasia only commanded the more concrete and not any of my speculation. I was still able to hide some things. Still, I told them exactly where they could find Uden, and I would’ve preferred to have avoided that. If anyone knows Yuki’s whereabouts right now, it would be him. I don’t want her mixed up in all of this. Uden better be as savvy as I give him credit for. He also better have a reason for living so close to the ocean. If his beast isn’t water-based, so help me, I’ll kill him myself.
My chest aches. My beast is whining, begging to be near Tasia again.
“She sent us away,” I say out loud. “And you’re the reason we’re in this mess. Deal with it.”
My beast quiets down slightly, heeding my logician’s reasoning. My beast isn’t as restless as usual because it feels it’s where it needs to be. Bullshit. How can we be where we need to be with all of these angels hanging around?
But who knows?
All of the fight has gone out of me. I had the oracle right there in front of me. I’ve had him right there in front of me a few times now, and I’ve been so distracted by Tasia and everything else that I couldn’t even be bothered with him. Even when I did finally launch myself at him, he put me down easily. If they wanted me dead, I would be dead. I can admit that. I knew that before I ever even came here. The angels have their claws buried so deep in that girl. I don’t know what she’s supposed to be doing with me or to me, but she’s doing an excellent job of crippling me. Then again, for as much as she’s changed me, for as much as she is controlling me, it seems I am still me. I haven’t become an angel lover overnight, and I’m still hiding any information I can. I suppose that’s looking on the bright side.
I am at her mercy, but I’m still me.
My beast feels for Tasia as it did my sweet Emma. It’s a perversion that would make me sick if my beast wasn’t the holder of my emotions. I vowed to do anything Emma wanted because her happiness was my happiness. I didn’t even know what happiness was until I met her. Even with everything she gave me, even with as deeply as I loved her, I was too late to save her. I thought she might have changed me. I think she did change me to some degree, but all of these years she’s been dead, I’ve become much more demon than I ever was back when I lived in Favor, when I served the angels. I had never killed before. I had never killed until I killed my angel master, and then the confidant. Their deaths were results of Emma’s death. They came to me when I was grieving. My master told me I was in the wrong and she attacked me, pulling me away from something they could have, should have, prevented—and I snapped. That’s when I became a true demon. That’s when I became everything they expected me to be. Was it a result of Emma’s death or was it in me all along? I couldn’t say, and I don’t really care, but that is how it happened. That was when I truly became the son of Maelstrom.
My beast’s infatuation with Tasia is so like Emma that… I daresay it even feels love for her. How? I don’t know. If my logician could only convince my beast of how completely illogical that infatuation is, I’d have been able to kill Tasia along with this connection months ago. This whole thing would’ve been settled. However, as demonstrated time and time again, such an action would probably have killed me as well. Every time I tried hurting that girl, before I could ever really hurt her, my beast would start ripping me apart.
I sigh as I look up at the moon. At least Yuki is safe. At least I sent her away from all of this madness. I should have done it a long time ago, but I never had the strength to. I tell myself being alone isn’t so bad, but I’ve never truly been alone, not even in the Dregs. I craved a companionship of some sort, and that made it harder to let Yuki go. When Emma died and Yuki came back, sacrificing her life for me, I couldn’t turn her away. She’s always been so insistent on staying with me, and I suppose I took advantage of that. It’s ironic. Yuki should hate me. I’ve hurt her time and time again, and I can’t seem to stop doing it. And yet, she’s the one demon I would have preferred never to hurt.
She may be safe now, but for how long? How long will she be able to hide from these hunters and these angels determined to wipe out all of the demons in Terra? Especially now that I’ve given Uden up, how long does she have?
I can’t think about that. It’s too much. This is all too much.
I shed my clothes, desperate to find an escape. I think I see some snowflakes starting to fall, but I ignore the cold. I’m going to shift since there is no reason for me to contain my beast anymore, but I want to have my clothes to return to when I shift back. My beast’s size makes it notorious for destroying clothes. It’s something I’ve dealt with for many years. As soon as I’m starting to feel a bit chilled, my last article of clothing is off, and I begin to shift.
I fall down onto all fours as my part wolf, part dragon, body rips through my human-like skin. Part of me, the primary part of my beast, apparently comes from my mother. Laverl told me that her beast was a wolf like his. I think it pleased him that my beast is more wolf than dragon. My grandfather, like the angels, hated my father. But the dragon is still a very primary part of my beast. Apparently I’m still very much like my father, much to Laverl’s disappointment I’m sure. Not that I’ll ever know. He’s trapped in Ilenima. I’m trapped in Terra.
I became everything he, the dirty angel lover, didn’t want me to be.
I stretch out my legs, digging my claws into the metallic roof and letting out a grating screech of a noise. It makes my wolf ears twitch, so I stop. My beast is large, somewhere between a dragon and a wolf. My body is shaped more like a wolf and the lower part of my body is covered only in black fur. However, the upper part of my body is armored in purple tinted scales. I have scales covering my entire back, shoulders, hips, part of my head, and almost the entirety of my tail. I’ve even got some spines on my back like many dragons do. The spiraling horns on my forehead, and my wings are all dragon.
Angels hide their beasts and demons in Favor were reluctant to show their beasts in their repression when I lived in Ilenima. The demons I’ve met in Terra usually hide their beasts as well. It’s easier not to draw attention that way, and our beasts reveal our true natures, almost like we’re showing a part of our soul that usually stays hidden. Our beasts emit a powerful presence, one that can span miles and is often hard to ignore. I’ve lived my whole life hiding my beast, only letting it out when necessary. For me, more than hiding my assets and even my presence, I hide my beast because it resembles my father too much. I hate him more than anyone.
I growl, my beast reminding me that we didn’t want to think anymore. But there’s nothing else to do. My beast quiets my emotions as I gaze up at the moon. I’ve always had the urge to sing out to the moon like wolves do, especially on full moon nights. I could sing to the moon tonight like my beast has always wanted to, and I wouldn’t be endangering myself for it. How much more in danger can I be in than I already am?
I throw my head back and howl. The tone starts out low, beseeching. Then it forms into a melody, rising to higher notes, notes I never thought I was capable of hitting. I didn’t know I had this sort of thing in me at all. All I ever knew was an urge. But damn does it feel good. I’ve tried to howl at the m
oon before, back when I was a child in Favor. On the rare nights when the sky was clear and I could see the full moon, I just couldn’t help myself, but I always had to do it in secret, and I couldn’t ever howl with the strength I wanted to. It feels good being able to do this without restraint. It feels good not hiding. I never thought something as simple as howling at the moon could offer such release. I’m lost in myself. This is a world where only the moon and I exist.
“You have a beautiful voice.”
I stop howling and feel my hackles rise as I face a ladder I hadn’t noticed before. The damn hunter who interrupted me rears her head and climbs onto the roof as well. She’s wearing a large coat, and she has her long black hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her skin is a nice brown-gold, and the shape of her dark eyes are accentuated with prominent eyeliner. I’ve seen her before. She was one of the women in the Command Center earlier.
I show my teeth, but I halt the growl in my throat as I back away from her. I reach my clothes and shift. She never takes her eyes off of me, even as I’m slipping my clothes back on. She isn’t checking me out, but unlike Imae, she isn’t embarrassed by seeing me. She’s watching me with alert eyes and an unwavering expression. It’s almost peculiar.
Once I’m dressed comfortably enough in the cold, I ask, “What do you want?”
“I’ve been watching you,” she says.
“I seem to be getting that a lot lately,” I say dryly.
“I mean since you agreed to go kill two of your own kind,” she clarifies candidly.
“Is that right? Well, I don’t seem to remember you with me.”
I think back to New York City, and how I felt like Tasia was watching me then. She confirmed that she was. Maybe…
I accuse, “You have the same power as Tasia.”
“At least in some ways. We did use the same ‘power’ to track you at least,” she confirms. “We have the ability to astral project.”
“I see.”
“Can demons or angels do things like astral projection? A sixth sense? Any psychics?” she asks.
“None that I’ve ever seen, at least when it comes to the natural demon and angel variety. I’m not sure I’ve seen any of those things in any made demons either. And Tasia’s little toy is the first made angel I’ve ever met,” I sneer.
“Interesting,” she says.
“So what do you want?” I ask, feeling irritated.
“I want to understand,” she says thoughtfully, with a finger pressed to her painted purple lips.
“Don’t we all?” I say vaguely.
“Why are you doing what Tasia says?” she asks.
“I don’t know. I just can’t seem to find it in me to disobey. She’s quite a charmer.” I grin, trying to make light of the situation, but this woman doesn’t even crack a smile.
She stares at me. “You can’t or you won’t disobey?”
I consider this for a moment, but I don’t have an answer.
“I hate your kind,” she says quietly.
“I get that a lot,” I reply.
“I’ve seen what you are capable of. You kill as easily as any monster.”
“I’m a demon. I’m worse than any monster. Part of the package, honey,” I say.
She ignores me and says, “I’ve been fighting monsters for the majority of my life. Because of my abilities, I’ve never been on the front lines. I’m apparently more valuable elsewhere, but I’ve still seen plenty of monsters. They’re horrible creatures. I’ve never seen any side of them that would make me think they aren’t anything but evil. I’ve never talked to them, and I’ve never wanted to. They’d sooner kill than have a chat anyway. And the possibility that there could be something more to them than darkness… is something I’ve never wanted to consider.”
She bites her lip and her eyes shimmer. Those are tears. Those are tears in her eyes. I raise an eyebrow.
She says, “I heard you on the roof and came up here because I wanted to talk to you. I was afraid to at first, but I wanted to prove to myself that you are just like all the rest. I watched you. I watched you kill. But I also saw you vulnerable.” Tears escape her eyes. “And now I’m unsure. I come out here, not sure what to expect, and then I hear a song more beautiful and sad than any I’ve ever heard. How can a monster be capable of such emotion? How could creatures that I’ve dismissed as nothing but evil be capable of something like that? I think I’ve known for a long time, but I couldn’t admit it. What if not all monsters are out there hurting people? What about the people who are cursed as werebeasts? What if you all have the potential to be just as human as I am? That’s when I can’t help thinking that maybe all of this violence is unnecessary.”
Bewildered, I reply, “I assure you I am not human. I’m not human in any way.”
“You are. Even if it’s not by flesh or blood. You are human. I don’t know what’s in your heart. I don’t know how small the light inside of you is, but it’s still there, and it makes things much more complicated.”
Confusion washes over me as more tears fall out of this woman’s eyes. She lets them fall unabashedly as it ruins her eyeliner. I can sense the light inside of her. She is the kind of human that has sided with angels, but she’s also… different.
I’m relieved when she leaves of her own accord without another word. She descends the same ladder she climbed up, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
But I don’t want to think.
I CAN’T SEEM TO fall asleep. I have both of my crystals to protect and guide me, but right now I’m feeling a bit anxious. I wonder if it’s just the darkness of the room, or maybe it’s because I’m alone. But I don’t feel completely alone. It’s a vague feeling that I’ve had off and on for a while now. I feel like I’m being watched. I know Arsen is in this base, but I also know I’m safe. He isn’t going to hurt me because he can’t. So what’s wrong with me right now?
I place my hands over my chest, covering my crystals already hidden under my shirt as I press them into my heart. I close my eyes and concentrate on feeling their shape. They’re ribbed with smooth faces that coalesce into a perfect heart shape, as if they were cut and polished to be that way. I never asked Cassius about their shape, but based on the crystals I saw when he took me out into the Crystal Oasis, I think they are probably naturally shaped like this. The crystals there came in all kinds of shapes, and they all looked like they were polished to perfection. The only thing that makes my crystals different is the silver fitted around them and the silver jump ring that makes it possible for me to put the crystals on my silver chain necklace. My crystals are warm and comforting against my hand, but that uneasy feeling is still there.
“Arsen?” I whisper. “Are you there?”
No one answers.
I open my eyes and look around the room, but I’m alone. My door is shut. There is no window. I’m alone.
I pull my blanket up so it’s under my chin, completely cocooning myself. I should close my eyes and try to go to sleep again. But it’s not that simple. It’s frustrating. I had a nice time with Rynne, even with all the weird angel stuff he told me, and now all I can think about is Arsen. I hate that. I hate him.
What was I trying to do that first time I saw him? I was trying to look into his eyes. I was searching for something there. Always his eyes. I wonder…
“Arsen,” I say, projecting as well as I can while lying in my bed, “come here.”
He did say to call him if I wanted him.
I let out a gasp, when I hear my door open and close quickly and quietly. Arsen is standing at the foot of my bed, gazing at me like he’s been there the whole time. I pull my blanket up farther, over my chin and mouth.
“You should’ve knocked,” I mumble.
“You should’ve been more specific. You simply told me to come here. Well, here I am.” He holds out his arms to either side of him, presenting himself to me. My eyes are adjusted to the darkness in the room, and I can’t help but take in the size of the muscles in his arms, apparent
under his sweater.
“Is your hearing that good?” I ask. “Or were you just outside my door?”
A familiar bad taste fills my mouth as I think about the possibility of him sitting outside of my door all night. He may not be able to hurt me, but that doesn’t mean I want him watching me constantly.
His expression doesn’t change as he crosses his arms in front of his chest. “My hearing’s that good,” he says. “Now, am I here to answer stupid questions or did you have a reason for calling me?”
“I wanted to test how well you were listening. You said to call if I wanted you,” I say.
“Need, not want.”
“I thought you wanted to talk to me. I thought you would be happy to have a moment alone with me.”
His eyes flash darkly as they flicker away from me. I can’t read him. The first time I met him was the same night my parents died. He was going to kill me too, but I somehow stopped him. When I saw him again, he outright said he was going to kill me, but before he could even hurt me, he crumpled to the floor. Then something happened to me. I wanted to get revenge for my parents, but I couldn’t use the silver knife I brought for him, and then I fell forward. Into his arms… and I felt safe there. The next time I saw him was when the base was under attack. He fought for me, killed for me, and then he kissed me. And I liked it. Now I know all of that was because of a bond I didn’t know how to control, but now I do. He can’t play with my emotions anymore.
So what’s with this subtle nervousness I’m feeling?
Arsen brings his gaze back to me, showing off his brilliant green eyes as they flash in the dark. I thought he would turn into a chatterbox as soon as I invited him to do exactly what he said he wanted to do, but he’s busy analyzing me instead. Now is his chance to talk to me alone, and he isn’t doing it.
“Well?” I urge, but I stay completely submerged under my blanket.
He says, “You don’t want to talk. You called me here for a different reason.”
I try to think of something to say, but I can’t. He’s right. I don’t want to talk. I want to look into his eyes. Maybe I want to see into his soul, like what Cassius talked to me about. I’m not a demon or an angel but maybe looking into his eyes would show me something.
The Pull of Destiny (Undying Love, Book 2) Page 22