My vision begins to fade again as I watch Cassius slide my beating heart off his right antler with his hand.
“Do… you feel… better?” I ask between shallow breaths.
His gaze shifts to me as he squeezes my heart, making me whimper. I’ve practically screamed my throat raw by now.
“What did Leo say to you that night?” The oracle asks.
“Don’t you… a-already know?” I ask, the words becoming harder and harder to form. “You… were linked to him… th-that night… weren’t you?”
My mind is slowing. I barely register the fact that Cassius is moving. He forces me to my feet again—but this time his touch doesn’t burn. He continues holding me up as he shoves my heart back into my chest. It’s painful, searing, despite the fact that his hands don’t seem to be actively burning me anymore. I try to double over again in pain, but Cassius won’t let me. I’m slumped into him, my head resting over his shoulder because I don’t have the strength to do anything else. I don’t have the strength to even lift my head.
Cassius moves slightly. He supports me with one hand, and he grabs my face with the other, so he can look into my eyes. He may have hurt me, and tortured me, but I will not submit to him. He sees my defiance immediately. I can tell by the way his eyes, the color in them brightening up a little, waver.
“You’re great at… torturing,” I tell him, my voice and words becoming more coherent. “But I will never… bow down to you. I will never… Never… give you what you want. You may kill me, and you may even win in the end… but I will be a thorn in your side every step of the way. You don’t have any power over me, angel.”
“I don’t? And yet, I have Tasia on my side,” Cassius remarks. “Time will tell how this all comes to pass.”
The oracle stares into my eyes for a moment longer. He’s trying to search for a break, some sort of weakness, but I don’t give it to him. No matter how much pain I’m in, I will never allow him to see inside of my soul. I’ll keep up this defiance forever.
Just as I knew would be the case, Cassius is the first to give. His eyes gloss over in a watery haze; I almost expect to see tears. He lays me in the sand rather than dropping me, something I don’t expect. He knows I don’t have the strength to stand on my own, but why should he care about that? It takes an agonizing amount of effort, but I turn my head to look at him as he makes his way to the ocean. He starts furiously scrubbing the blood off his hands, antlers, anywhere it is. There’s a desperation in his actions that I don’t quite understand. Is my blood hurting him after all? He’s acting as if he got no release whatsoever from what he did to me. He’s acting like he’s the one in pain now. Any demon would have relished what he just did. Revenge can be so sweet, and yet, even though I’ve taken revenge myself for years, it’s never made the pain go away. That’s why going too long without killing an angel sets me off. I almost can’t take it. I have to get my fix. That’s how I felt for years. That was how I stayed alive, but ever since Tasia started fucking with my life, I’ve given in to what I’ve tried to hide all of this time.
I roll over onto my back and stifle a cry. I have severe burns all over. My wounds must be healing, but they’re taking their damn time. I still have plenty of life essence because I’ve taken so many lives. I should be healed, or at least nearly healed. How long will I have to endure this pain? I bite my lower lip as I feel sweat all over my body. I can’t stop shaking in the cold.
Why can’t I at least pass out?
I barely notice Cassius as he steps past me, finally retreating farther up the beach. He doesn’t speak another word to me, and he doesn’t have to. He knows I’ll return to Tasia when I am able to. There is nothing else for me to do when she is all my beast desires. I came of my own accord, and he knows I will stay. Maybe his revenge will be sweet in time. He only needs to be patient. At this rate, he will find satisfaction, or he will find a darkness the likes of which he has never known.
PACING BACK AND forth isn’t doing me any good, but I keep going. I can see my breath in the cold. I could be inside of the base where it’s warm, but I’d be doing exactly the same thing I’m doing right outside. I’m worried. Well, actually, it’s more like I’m freaking out. I haven’t done this much lately. Whatever Cassius did to my white diamond has been making me feel so much better, so much more secure. But right now I’m having a relapse. I was so confident I’d be able to do everything Cassius wants me to do, and then Arsen got away from me somehow. I don’t even really know what happened. One minute I thought I was in control, and the next thing I knew Arsen was being thrown out a window.
I wring my fingers and bite at the tips of my gloves, since I can’t reach my fingernails. What am I supposed to do? I ruined everything. Cassius is probably really disappointed in me. I need to talk to him so badly. Where is he? What is he doing with Arsen?
“It’s not your fault, Tasia,” Rynne says as he comes up from behind me.
He’s been letting me pace back and forth, but now he captures me in his arms. I try to move, but he keeps me there.
“You don’t have to face this alone,” he whispers. “I’m here for you. You can talk to me about anything.”
I shake my head because it’s too hard to form words right now.
“And if talking is out of the question, you can at least allow me to comfort you,” he says after noting my silence.
I try to settle into his chest. Usually being so close to Rynne makes me feel better. However, whatever is going on inside of me right now is making comfort really hard to find. I need Cassius. That’s all I can think. I love Rynne, and he’s helped me through a lot. But he can’t help me with this. He can’t make the anxiety go away. He tells me it isn’t my fault, but even he can’t really mean that. I let him down. I let Cassius down. I let everyone down. What must Cassius think of me now?
“Why has it gotten so much worse?” Rynne asks, probably not expecting an answer. “I thought your white diamond was helping the panic attacks.”
I was already shaken because of what happened with Arsen and that demon, and as soon as Cassius told us to leave, I started getting worse and worse, until I became a complete nervous wreck. It’s almost like I’m having a panic attack that won’t surface all the way. I’m breathing normally enough that maybe this couldn’t be classified as a panic attack, but instead of lasting a short time, like a panic attack, this has been drawing out and continuing since we left Cassius and Arsen in New Jersey. It’s been hours already. I don’t know how much more I can take before I fall apart.
I shiver as I let my head rest against Rynne’s shoulder. I try to focus on him and his warmth, but I’m still shaking uncontrollably. He holds me a little tighter with one hand, and he uses the other to slide up the bottom of my coat as he gently places his hand against my sweater and rubs my spine. That makes me feel a bit better, but this panic won’t go away. His touch is comforting, but I can’t help thinking it would feel better if his skin was actually touching mine. It would feel warmer, closer. Maybe that’s going too far. It’s not that I want to rush things with Rynne and have sex or whatever. I don’t want to have sex until I’m married. That’s how my parents raised me, and it’s what I believe in, so why am I so worried about all of this? Is it because angels are even way stricter than how I was raised? Why is everything so complicated?
“The oracle is back,” Rynne announces after I don’t know how much time has passed with me in his arms.
I don’t mean to jerk away from him like I do, but I do it anyway. I look around until I spy Cassius coming for us. The pristine robes he was wearing before are gone. He’s wearing nothing more than a light shirt, pants, and slipper-like shoes. I can’t help but wonder if he’s cold. That material is way too thin for this kind of weather.
“Cassius,” I say.
The regal angel holds up one of his hands, signaling me not to say any more. He says, “There is no need for you to apologize. This wasn’t your fault. As I said, it was mine. I apologize, Tasia.”
>
I’m taken aback. It feels wrong having this perfect being apologize to me. It seems impossible that he could’ve made a mistake. This must be my fault.
“Tasia, I know I have asked a lot of you,” Cassius speaks again when he’s standing right in front of me, “but I must ask more. I need you to keep a sharp eye and a strong hold on Arsen. Especially when you take him to hunt other demons. He’s testing your power.”
“If I have power over him, how can he do this at all? Why hasn’t he killed me if he can disobey me?” I ask.
Rynne steps up from behind me and gently takes my hand. Cassius regards him with a slight nod, and then he speaks again, “He’s fighting, but you have too much power over him for him to be able to outright disobey you, let alone kill you. Until you snuff out that last spark of rebellion, you can’t expect him to follow specific instructions, like those needed on a mission, without you there instructing him every step of the way, pushing back if he tries to get out of a command.”
“What about everyone here? Are they safe?”
“They are safe. He doesn’t have the power to go that far. He didn’t even have the power to outright disobey you with Uden, did he? How did he tip Uden off?”
I shake my head. “I didn’t even really understand what happened. One second I thought everything was going according to plan, the next Arsen was getting thrown out a window.”
Cassius nods. “That’s what I thought. He’s rebelling in the only way he knows how. He’s being subversive, causing trouble without outright disobeying you, but all it will do is give us minor setbacks. If you stay on top of him, this pointless rebellion will stop.”
“I understand,” I say.
“Good. I am returning to Ilenima. I will send Valor back in my stead,” he says as he turns away and starts walking.
“Wait!” I cry out, panicked. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but what you did to the white diamond isn’t working anymore. I feel like I’m going to fall apart, Cassius.” I say the words with a quiver. I feel so pathetic right now.
He turns back around and looks me over like he’s seeing me for the first time, like he wasn’t just looking at me before. He frowns.
“Let me see your white diamond,” he says.
I take the white heart-shaped diamond off my silver chain necklace and hold it out to him. Instead of taking it out of my hand, he places his hand on top of mine, sealing the crystal between our palms. He focuses on her hands for a moment and says, “Be at peace. You know what you have to do.”
All of the terror and anxiety seems to fade away almost immediately. I can think clearly again. I’m not absolutely terrified of what’s to come. I know everything’s going to be okay.
Cassius removes his hand from mine. “Does that feel any better?” he asks.
“Yes,” I say in pure relief as I put the white diamond back on my silver chain necklace, next to the black diamond. “Where is Arsen?” I ask.
Cassius looks away from me. I don’t really understand why, but it seems he’s avoiding my gaze now.
“He’ll be along,” he assures. “I apologize, but I really must go.”
I reach out and take his hand, stopping him from leaving. I feel him jump slightly at my touch, but it isn’t a reaction I can see. I only know it because I’m touching him. He reluctantly makes eye contact with me now.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
The bright colors in his eyes that usually look so vivid and dreamy at the same time appear to be nothing but gray now. They’re still bright, but all color is gone. There’s a glassy sheen over his eyes too, making them more reflective than usual.
I don’t let go of his hand, and then I do something else that’s probably pretty rash, but it’s something that seems so natural that I don’t even think about it. I close the small space between us, and I hug him. I hold him tight like this is a completely natural thing to do. He doesn’t return the gesture, but he doesn’t stop me from doing it either. I feel and hear him take a deep breath in and out, and then he takes me by the shoulders, removing me from his personal space.
“I really have to go,” he says. “Valor will be here soon, and you will be fine from now on. I believe in you.”
I hate that it feels like he’s saying goodbye, but I understand that he’s the oracle and has a lot of other things he needs to take care of. He has become my friend. I’m going to miss him.
“Goodbye, Cassius,” I say, unsure of when or if I’ll see him again.
“Goodbye, Tasia,” he replies in barely a whisper.
He doesn’t even look back as he walks away. I can’t take my eyes off of him, and I continue looking after him even when he’s hidden behind the other warehouses. I catch my crystals, dangling outside of my coat. They’re both as cold as ice.
Why does my heart hurt?
“Feeling better?” Rynne asks.
I reply by turning into him, and wrapping my arms around his waist. Then I let my head rest against his shoulder. “Yeah,” I say. “Thanks for always looking out for me.”
“It is an honor and a privilege, Tasia,” he replies as he kisses my head.
“THANKS, RYNNE,” Tasia says as she pulls her blanket over her mouth. “I’m sorry for always being such a pain.”
I lean down and kiss her forehead. “You are never a pain,” I tell her.
“That’s nice of you to say.”
This time, I grab her blanket and move it down far enough to reveal her lips and I kiss them. “I mean it.”
She gives me a soft smile. She’s not on the verge of a panic attack anymore, but I can tell there are a lot of things on her mind bothering her.
“Try to get some rest,” I tell her.
“Rynne.”
“Yes?”
“Will you stay until I fall asleep?” she says barely loud enough for me to hear.
“Of course,” I say.
There’s movement under her blanket as she pulls her hand out from under it. I grab the chair in her room, sit down at the side of her bed, and take her slender hand. We don’t exchange any more words. She simply closes her beautiful eyes, and I watch her in silence. When her grip loosens, I carefully move my hand away from hers. I listen to the sound of her deep breaths, and I know she’s asleep. I stand up and tiptoe to the door. I turn off the light, and then I exit the room, shutting the door softly behind me.
I have a lot on my mind.
Where is Arsen? Why did the oracle come back without his robes? Why did he seem to be in such a hurry to leave? He was in control, and calm as usual, but there was something in the air that felt different. I can’t figure out what it was, but I didn’t like it.
I shake my head and weave my way past some hunters. I need some fresh air.
As soon as I have a coat, and I’m prepared for the freezing temperatures outside, I exit the base. I should be sleeping, but with my mind working on overdrive like this, I wouldn’t get any sleep anyway. I need a place where I can be completely alone. If I go to Wissahickon Valley Park, I could find an area there to be alone with my thoughts.
I’m navigating my way through the different warehouses surrounding the base when a shadow of movement catches my eye. I quickly hug the wall of the warehouse closest to me and peek around the corner to analyze the figure in the distance. There’s a darkness emanating from it, too. It’s a demon or monster of some sort. Probably demon. Could it be Arsen?
Every step the figure takes is labored, heavy. I don’t know what to make of it. Could that really be Arsen? Is he hurt?
I decide to chance a confrontation as I step out from the warehouse, I make my way toward the figure. The closer I get, the better I can see. The light of the moon is bright enough for me to make out a face. It is Arsen, and he doesn’t look good.
I walk a little faster, closing the distance between us. He lifts his gaze from the ground to look at me when I’m standing a few feet in front of him. He has burns on his neck, severe burns. They crawl up to the base of his chin and
jaw. He’s wearing a coat, but no scarf, and I have to assume the burns are the reason why. I smell the stink of demon blood.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Got caught in a forest fire,” he says dryly.
“A forest fire? That’s a pretty lame joke,” I say.
Arsen shrugs as he steps past me. He’s limping. He’s hurt much worse than what I can see. That much is obvious.
“Why aren’t you healing?” I ask is I follow behind him.
He growls. “I don’t know.”
“Tell me what really happened,” I try again. Then I think about the state that Cassius was in when he came back. I didn’t see anything out of place, aside from his missing robes, but I felt something out of place. I ask a question I shouldn’t, “Did the oracle do this to you?”
Arsen stops walking. He turns his head slightly, just enough so he can see me. His green eyes are gleaming in the dark like an animal’s.
“That’s a rather strange question to ask, angel. Why the hell would you think your benevolent oracle would do something like this to me?” he responds.
“You should be healing,” I point out.
I don’t know if the oracle has some kind of power that could stop an immortal from healing, but if anyone did, I would assume he would be the one.
Arsen regards me for a moment, then he turns his head slowly forward as he continues limping on his way to the base. I don’t know what to think. Arsen came all this way back to the base in this condition by himself? Why would he do something like that? Why wouldn’t he leave? Tasia’s connection is that powerful? But he looks like he’s in so much pain.
The Pull of Destiny (Undying Love, Book 2) Page 25