by Alisa Mullen
Lizzie gasped and she put her hand over her mouth, trying to stop a sob from coming out of her mouth.
“I came here today because Nick is my friend first and foremost. You aren’t the right woman for him, sweetie. Maybe you were at the beginning, but certainly not anymore. You have turned his life upside down and I know for a fact that he would be much happier if he didn’t have all this responsibility in his lap while you go through your ups and downs.” I swallowed more wine and then tilted my head at her, waiting for the shoe to drop.
“No, no that isn’t right,” she said, her voice trembling. “He wanted me, he said he loved me. He begged us to stay with him. You came here because you wanted him for yourself. You are just saying all of this so you can have him. You took my brother away and now you want my fiancé, too.” She crossed her arms over her chest again, trying to diminish everything I had just pointed out to her. Wow, she pulled the Conner card. She was desperate.
“Why do you think that, Lizzie? I loved Conner. I have plenty of beautiful and successful men back in Texas just waiting on me to come home. Once I know that Nick will be just fine, I am going back to my life.” I looked her straight in the eyes and shrugged.
She turned her head out towards the living room windows and moments passed as she numbly stared out the windows. What she was looking at I couldn’t tell. I peered in that direction and didn’t see anything. She was spacing out. Wow. Big guns now, Samantha.
“I cannot in good conscience let anything happen to his career. You were fired for fraudulent trading today. Do you even know what that means? It is disgraceful. You are careless, reckless and it isn’t fair for him to have to pick up the pieces of your life over and over again. Right now he is at work, trying to find a way to cover that up so that his associates won’t ever know. Do you even know what kind of stress that puts on a person so successful? It could mean he loses a lot of credit in his workplace.”
And that was it.
She bolted to the bedroom. I heard suitcases and bags zipped open in a hurry. I could hear items flying across the room. Occasionally it was quiet and there was just some sniffling. She’d be fine.
I finished my glass of wine slowly as I listened to the encore of my performance. I gave myself a small pat on the back and walked out to the elevators. I checked my makeup in the reflection and noticed I needed some more lipstick. The doors opened and descended down to the first floor. I gave the front door a solid push as I stepped out into my future life as Mrs. Nick Sawyer.
FOURTEEN - NICK
I knew something was seriously off when I got home. Charlie, my doorman, asked me where Ms. O’Malley was going on her vacation. I regarded him suspiciously, wondering if he was making a joke.
“I am not sure what you mean, Charlie,” I said carefully, trying not to sound indifferent or overly concerned.
“Oh, she left with her bags. She appeared to be going for quite a few days with the amount of luggage she was pulling,” he frowned. Oh.Fuck.
I quickly moved into the elevator and as I met the foyer, I knew. The silence told me everything. The apartment felt hollow and as I stepped further in to take in my surroundings, each moment began to carve and rip a hollow area in my heart. She. Was. Gone.
I didn’t even have to look at the closet. I didn’t have to look in Niall’s room. When someone leaves, it is an absence that can’t be described in words. The knots in my stomach, the panic in my chest, the instant dizziness and confusion shuts down all other primary instincts. I had to use the restroom when I got home. I felt myself starting to wet my pants so I threw open the bathroom and pissed so fast so I could get back to fixing this. I looked around the bathroom. She took all of her stuff. All of it was gone but I still smelled the familiar aroma. That smile, the freckles, the laugh. The smell represented all of her. I wanted to know everything in one moment. I needed to beg, to do something. I had to find a clue as to why. Right now.
I walked into our bedroom and saw her engagement ring on her silver jewelry plate. A small note was tucked underneath the ring. As if everything was in slow motion, I unfolded the note with deliberate movement.
Nick,
I love you. I want you to know this before I write anymore. You have been extraordinary to both me and my family. I wish there was a way that I could repay you for your sacrifice, generosity, and commitment. I have been through so much this year and I need some time. I am not any good to anyone right now. I wish I could be the type of wife and the stable partner you need in your life.
Please know that I will take care of myself and our baby. I promise to get in touch. I promise to keep on loving you, even though my feelings are unrequited. My only plea is that you take care of yourself. You deserve so much in your life and I hope that you find a woman who will be just as amazing as you are. Sometimes we just have to let go of the ones we truly love because it is best for them.
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth? She signed her name Elizabeth? What kind of bull shit was that? Best for whom? Best for her? What the fuck does she mean by my unrequited feelings? This letter has to be a joke. She knows how much I love her. I show her in everything I do. Yes, Sam had come into town and she stirred up emotions for both of us. Yes, I have been pressuring her to use the credit card. Yes, I let that woman hit on me the other night. But she was cool with all of that. She was cool this morning when we made love. She didn’t want to burden me with her troubles and that was what I was here for. She didn’t even want to talk. She wanted my body. The doubt that I was familiar with, from when we were still friends, slid right back into my head and neck. I pushed her away. I successfully made her feel like a burden.
I reread the letter and thought about the places she could have gone. Whatever she was thinking, it was a mistake. I wasn’t sacrificing anything by loving her. If anything, she sacrificed so much to be with me. She trusted her heart again. I needed go find her and make her explain what she meant by sacrifice and commitment. We needed to talk about this note. For fuck’s sake, she was my fiancée. Wasn’t she?
I jumped up and grabbed the phone. Lizzie’s father answered on the second ring. “Where is she?” I asked foregoing any pleasantries. My chest was heaving. I wanted to rip something large.
“Nick.” His voice was somber but resolute. He knew. He already knew that Lizzie had left me.
“Please, I just need to talk to her. Please put her on the phone,” I begged.
“She isn’t here,” he sighed. I started to get really mad but her father interrupted my next words.
“I have never been a liar and I wouldn’t even lie for my daughter. She contacted her mother and me a few hours ago. She said she was fired and that your relationship was over. We don’t know what to make of her call. We thought you both were happy. She said that it was complicated. What we know is that she has left. She asked for some money to be transferred to her bank account. When I begged her to tell me what happened or where she was going, she was so stubborn. She said she needs time alone with her son. So, Nick. I don’t know where Lizzie is,” he sighed.
“Our family has fallen apart. We are nothing now. Please tell me what you did to make my baby girl leave.” His voice broke and I could tell that he was crying. I hadn’t ever heard the man cry. He was telling the truth. She was gone.
“Patrick, I didn’t do anything.” My fists clenched and I looked up at the ceiling, wishing I was tall enough to slam my head into it.
“I came home from work. Lizzie and Niall were gone. They are gone. Please tell me what to make of that because I am sitting here thinking I did something to drive her away.” My throat was so dry and I swallowed back the burn in my chest.
“I didn’t do anything on purpose, Patrick. I don’t know why she left me. I don’t know why.” I croaked out the last word and closed my eyes as I felt the burn from behind my eyes.
Silence fell between the two of us. I breathed heavily only to stop myself from starting to sob. He wasn’t giving me anything and in fact, he was deta
ched somehow, like this was no big fucking deal. I asked him if he would call if she decided to let them know where she went. He granted me with a simple yes and I hung up without saying goodbye.
I called Sean next. He hadn’t heard from her but he didn’t sound surprised that she had gone MIA. He was more shocked about her losing her job.
“Damn,” he kept saying over and over while I sat and waited for him to throw me a crumb. I needed one little detail that would take me closer to Lizzie.
Sean cleared his throat. “Listen, man, if I know anything about Lizzie, it is this. She needs to cool off about something. She has found a safe place to hide out for a while. She runs, Nick. That is her go to response. She will reemerge when she is ready. She is wicked strong but so stubborn. Give her some time. You will see her again, if you are determined to.” I made him promise me to call if she got in contact with him.
Then there was silence. No laughing, no music, no baby crying, no nothing. The silence became so loud that when there was a bumping sound from the apartment downstairs, I flinched. I quickly looked around to see if it was Lizzie making noise but there was nothing. Nobody. I was alone. The apartment felt humongous. I started to pace.
By this time, we would be making plans for dinner and getting Niall ready for bed. I had absolutely nothing to do. I stood up and pulled my shirt off. I grabbed a pair of gray sweatpants and threw on some thick socks. I swiped my top notch whiskey from the liquor cabinet and started to pour.
I flipped the television to CNN. I half listened to the reporter but everything he said melded together. Shot after shot, the silence was dulled out by liquor, Anderson Cooper, and increasing confusion. We had made love to each other as an engaged couple only a few hours ago. Lizzie left me. I went to the kitchen counter and took the letter into my hands. My next shot froze mid air as I re-read her words. I swiped at my face as a tear fell down my cheek and I downed the shot.
Fuck this, where would she go? She didn’t have her apartment anymore. She wasn’t at her parents’ house and she hadn’t even called Sean. Was she on a bus somewhere in the middle of the night with Niall? How would he be with not sleeping in his own room? He is my son, too, dammit and our baby. I couldn’t take it anymore. I cried. I sobbed. I wailed. I have never wailed but the pain in my chest was too much to handle and I am sure the whiskey was helping me to let it all out. The phone rang and my head shot up. Lizzie? Please be Lizzie.
“Hi, Nick,” my beautiful Lizzie said from the other end of the phone. I laughed and sobbed.
“Lizzie, baby. Where are you? You are scaring me. Please, tell me what this note is all about,” I croaked out.
There was silence. I could hear her sniffling but nothing else. She wasn’t in a train station or outside. She was inside. Someone’s house?
“Lizzie?”
“Nick. I… I can’t let another man leave me,” she whispered, pain evident in her tone.
“Lizzie. Whatever gave you that idea? I am not leaving you. I am going to marry you, baby. Just come home. I want you and Niall home,” I cried.
“Have you been drinking?” she asked.
“Yes, of course I have. You left me, Lizzie. This place is so fucking quiet. I didn’t know what to do. Your dad and Sean don’t know where you are. Lizzie, please. I will get a cab. Tell me how to get to you,” I said.
“No, Nick. I am not the woman you need in your life. I am fucked up and I can’t give you the things you need. You are established and such a wonderful man. I don’t deserve you, Nick. I just don’t. Think about it, okay? I lost my job. I lost my brother. I lost the father of my child. I won’t let anyone else walk away from me. Not without my permission,” she said stonily.
“But Lizzie.” I didn’t honestly know what else to say. I already said everything I needed to. I wanted her.
“I want you, Lizzie. I need you,” I cried.
“No, Nick, you don’t need me. I don’t give you what you truly need. I am a disappointment. But I wanted to call because I need you to know that we are safe.”
“Where are you, Lizzie? Fucking tell me,” I yelled.
“I am safe. I am alright. Please don’t yell at me. I promise you that one day you will understand why we don’t belong together,” she said.
Then, after a long moment, she hung up. She fucking hung up. I quickly dialed *69 and it came back as a blocked number. FUCK!!!!!!!!
I ripped the phone out of the wall and threw it across the room. What did she say? She is a disappointment? Why the fuck would she say that? I downed another shot of whiskey and balled my fists against my eyes. I sat like that until the whiskey caught up to me. I started to sway and moan. Moan and sway. My head felt so heavy. Held down to my neck with rocks and promises and junk.
I passed out on the couch.
The next morning, I woke up and realized Lizzie wasn’t in the apartment. I called work and told them I was sick. Then I started to drink again. It went on like that for days. I wouldn’t go into our room. I wouldn’t go into Niall’s room and would never touch the guitar again. Not without Lizzie. I was a fucking mess but I didn’t care. My whole world just shattered. Nothing mattered anymore.
FIFTEEN - SAM
I waited four days for Nick to call me. I knew she left because I watched her taxi pull away. I went to Nick’s work but he hadn’t been there all week. Now it was Saturday and I had nothing to do. So I decided to pay my good old friend, Nick a surprise visit.
When I walked into his apartment building, his doorman automatically said that Mr. Sawyer wasn’t accepting any guests.
“Oh, phooey,” I said with a bright smile. “Let me talk to him.”
He handed me the phone. “Nick? Are you there? I wanted to see if you and Lizzie wanted to talk. I know things were crazy last week. I figured enough time has gone by. Maybe we can talk like adults,” I said.
“Sam?” He was drunk. “Sam, why the fuck are you here? Go away.”
“No, Nick. I want to talk to you and Lizzie. I will sit here all day. You know me. I will,” I said sternly.
“Lizzie? Lizzie isn’t here… anymore,” he croaked the last word out. Good, she was gone.
“Fine then. You and I can go for lunch. Come on,” I said.
A buzzing noise went off and the doorman nodded at me. I hung up the phone. “He buzzed you up,” the man sighed.
I quickly got into the elevator and examined my makeup. He was probably so far drunk that he wouldn’t even notice my appearance. Oh well. What a waste.
The foyer was a mess. I walked through to the great room and there he was, shirtless, in gray sweatpants, surrounded by empty alcohol bottles and grease stained boxes of pizza. His eyes rolled up to me. “Samantha Hughes,” he slurred.
“Well, don’t you look hot,” I smiled. “Where is your better half? Does she know you are drinking like a sailor today?”
“She left me. She and the baby left me,” he said and then he put his hands against his eyes.
“What?” I gasped. “Why would she do that?” My hand went to my chest and I walked over to sit down next to Nick. He didn’t look up. His head just swayed side to side.
“When?” I whispered.
“I don’t know. What day is it today?” he asked.
“Saturday,” I replied quickly. He looked up at me.
“Fuck. I have the partner’s dinner tonight. I can’t go. Lizzie was supposed to go. She isn’t here. I can’t go,” he said. He couldn’t go anywhere. He looked deranged.
“Nick, why did Lizzie leave?” I asked.”Should I call someone to cancel for you or do you want me to be your date instead?”
“I honestly… don’t… know,” he said. “She left me this note.” He handed me a letter that obviously had been read over and over again. He had it right next to him, like it was the only thing important in the world.
I read it. Damn, she actually left. I didn’t think it would be that easy. She must have been really fucked up in the head to leave him so easily.
“Wher
e do you think she went?” I asked. He started to answer and then he did something I never saw him do in all the years I had known him. He cried. He leaned into me and sobbed like a baby. I was frozen. How could a man like Nick Sawyer get so low? A little voice inside me said, you did this to him, bitch. The voice was correct. I did make him feel this pain. I was a horrible person and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think maybe I fucked up… again. I had a sudden need to run away. I didn’t want to come here to watch Nick cry over another woman. I started to rub his back, hoping he would stop soon.
After a little while, he inched his face up to mine. “You have always been there for me, Sam. Thank you.” I smiled at him and told him that I was here for him now. Then he kissed me. He kissed me hard and fast. He ferociously pulled my shirt off. I let him, feeling numb. Nick started kissing on my chest. He was frantic. At first, I was startled and Conner’s face flashed in my mind. No one had kissed me since him and this was not the way he kissed me. No, this was far from kissing Conner. Conner was gentle and loving. This was…not. I faked a moan when he started to kiss my bra and he looked up to kiss me again while he tried to take off my bra. He couldn’t get it off, so I did it for him. Here it was. The goal was near and it felt awful. I was going to have sex with Nick again and then I would be persistent and he would marry me. Those were my instructions. I cringed inwardly, already hearing my proud father’s voice.
Nick wouldn’t look down at my bare chest. He wasn’t interested in looking at me? He squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head to my bare shoulder. We were skin to skin and I could smell the whiskey all over his bare chest. “Lizzie, I am so sorry,” he cried and then his lips were on mine again. I couldn’t breathe. He just apologized to a woman that he loved, who wasn’t even with him anymore, for kissing me. The voice came back yelling, “Slut, slut, slut.”