by Jim Gaffigan
Ketchup is the undisputed king of all condiments. When you enter a diner, ketchup is already on the table. It’s the diner’s way of saying, “Look, you are going to need this.” Ketchup is that important. There really isn’t any condiment competition for ketchup. Mustard, the closest competition, is the Mets to ketchup’s Yankees. Mustard has its fans, but there really is no comparison. My children love ketchup but would rather go to bed early than taste mustard. Ketchup simply consists of tomato paste, vinegar, and sugar. There are two major brands: Heinz and Hunt’s (I’m a Heinz), and they have had the same recipe forever. There is no improving ketchup. You never see ketchup sold as “Now even more ketchupier!” It’s just ketchup. The only variety in ketchup is in the way to spell it: ketchup or catsup. Mustard, on the other hand, seems to be constantly reinventing itself in a desperate attempt to compete with ketchup. It’s pretty sad, really.
KETCHUP: Hey, Spicy Brown Mustard.
MUSTARD: Uh, actually now I’m Honey Dijon Mustard.
KETCHUP: Weren’t you also just Chipotle Mustard?
MUSTARD: That was last week. Now I’m Honey Dijon Mustard.
KETCHUP: Right. Oh, how’s that going? Are you on the table in diners yet?
MUSTARD: Well, in some high-end delis and a few hot dog carts. (beat) Do you think I should go back to being Spicy Brown Mustard? I guess I have to face the fact that I’ll never ketchup.
KETCHUP: Was that a pun?
MUSTARD: Yes. Was it funny?
KETCHUP: (beat) I should go. People want to see how I taste on tamales.
I am an avid ketchup user. Jeannie thinks I use too much ketchup, especially on my sushi, but I find it drowns out the fish flavor. It seems you can put ketchup on anything. When you are using ketchup you are really saying, “This food is so good. I want it to taste like ketchup.” If you are using ketchup, you are probably eating something unhealthy. We never put ketchup on anything healthy like broccoli or asparagus. Ketchup is only there to assist unhealthy food. Ketchup is like that friend who’s always encouraging you to do the wrong thing. “Why don’t you get fries? If you get fries, I’ll help you out. Or you could get a burger. Get a burger. I’ll be there. Oh, you’re ordering a salad. I gotta go. I don’t get along with lettuce.” Ketchup is important. You only realize how important ketchup is when you don’t have it. Ever eat fries without ketchup? It just feels wrong.
Yes, this is a photo of my son Patrick drinking ketchup.
There are some people who don’t like ketchup. I think they are called losers. Almost universally everyone loves and uses ketchup, which always makes me surprised when I see a television commercial for ketchup. What a waste of money. Who are those commercials for? “You know, honey, we should try that new product called ‘ketchup.’ ” We are all going to buy the ketchup anyway. Once I saw a ketchup commercial that touted lycopene, an antioxidant found in ketchup, as a reason to buy ketchup. If ketchup is the healthy part of your diet, you probably need to be on the Taco Bell Diet.
The only ketchup news in the past fifty years has been the advancement of the bottle. We’ve now had the upside-down plastic squeeze bottle for about ten years, but don’t you think it’s a little embarrassing how long it took us to come up with that? It wasn’t that long ago someone had the realization.
DESIGNER 1: You know how we have to hold ketchup bottles upside down and it takes a ridiculously long time for the ketchup to come out of the glass bottle? Why don’t we put the cap on the bottom and make the bottle plastic and squeezable?
DESIGNER 2: Wait, have people been complaining that ketchup is hard to get out of the glass bottle?
DESIGNER 1: For like a hundred years!
DESIGNER 2: I guess we could try it. I don’t know why someone would want easy access to ketchup.
The most inefficient form of ketchup delivery is those tiny glass bottles they give you when you order hotel room service. The bottle is too small to pour and often a knife won’t even fit in the top. “This is adorable, but I asked for ketchup, not a Christmas ornament.”
Ketchup goes well with everything.
Every culture has its own ketchup. Salsa is the Mexican ketchup, marinara sauce is the Italian ketchup, and I guess vinegar is the British ketchup. How bad is your food when adding vinegar is an improvement? What can I say? The British just have a different attitude toward food. In London, you have to pay for ketchup packets in fast-food places. It’s that type of behavior that started the Boston Tea Party.
Packets
Thankfully, in American fast-food places you don’t have to pay for ketchup packets, but what is with the single-serve size of those ketchup packets? I’m not saying I need a gallon of ketchup, but maybe enough for more than one fry. Tearing open twenty packets with my teeth, I end up looking like a heroin addict. “I’m gonna party once I get set up here!” Has anyone ever used just one of those ketchup packets? “Do you have a half of a quarter of an ounce of ketchup? It’s just so darn rich. Maybe a resealable ketchup packet? One I could store in my purse.” Most often fast-food places give you two or three packets, and if you go back up to ask for more, they make you feel like you are trying to score drugs. “You think you could hook me up with some more of the good stuff?” Sometimes fast-food employees act like you are taking from their personal stash. “Looks like my kids won’t be getting ketchup tonight because you are a ketchup glutton!” There’s no good place to put the empty ketchup packets; they are always such a mess. “Should I put it on the napkin, the table, or stick it to my sleeve?”
Sometimes the packets will have printed on them “Not for resale.” I didn’t even know that was an issue. I’ve been to a lot of flea markets and have never seen anyone reselling ketchup packets. I didn’t even know there were people looking at ketchup packets and thinking, eBay here I come. Ca-ching! If you are in a position where you have to sell ketchup packets, I don’t know if anything written on the packet is going to hold you back. “We need money. Maybe we should sell these ketchup packets. Shoot, it says here on the packet ‘Not for resale.’ Dang it!” I doubt there are people even interested in a resold ketchup packet. Personally, I only want ketchup packets that are fresh from that box behind the counter.
If you’re lucky, you’ll occasionally come across a packet labeled as Fancy Ketchup. I usually think, Fancy? Ketchup, you are being modest. I’m not sure what would make ketchup fancy. Who’s using ketchup at a black-tie event with the elites of our society? “Is this the ketchup that I sent my butler to get?” I guess it’s all relative, but what kind of life would you be leading if you considered ketchup packets fancy? “Well, we’re not rich folk, but on special occasions we will break out the ketchup packets. Like on Grandma’s birthday. Let her know it’s a celebration. Why not let her feel like a celebrity with a ketchup packet? Then we put her back in her cage.”
Some fast-food places like Wendy’s offer an in-store ketchup pump instead of packets. It’s like a keg of ketchup that you pump into tiny paper shot glasses. I like to hang around the ketchup keg and try to meet ladies. Whenever a woman approaches, I’ll just starting pumping ketchup for her in a masculine manner. “Here, I’ll pump for you. You come to this Wendy’s often? My roommate and I got a ketchup pony keg back at our dorm. You like that song “Elvira”? Here’s an extra shot of ketchup for your cute friend.” I’m never sure how many shots of ketchup I’m supposed to get when I’m eating in a Wendy’s. I usually get three shots of ketchup, but if I’m having a bad day I’ll get five.
JUST DESSERTS
Dessert is special, and as a result it is treated differently. In some restaurants, desserts get their own menu. In diners and truck stops, desserts are sometimes put in a rotating glass case like they are an artifact or some of Queen Elizabeth’s jewelry. I’m not sure what the intended response is supposed to be. “I didn’t want dessert before, but now that I see pudding at that angle, I gotta get me some!”
When I was growing up, my family had dessert only on special occasions like birthdays o
r holidays. My children live in a different world. Dessert is not a luxury. It’s a right. If my four-year-old, Katie, doesn’t ask about dessert four times in an evening, I assume she is sick or there is going to be a tornado. Dessert is special for everyone. That’s why it’s saved until last. If that exclusive spot after the meal were not reserved for dessert, what would stop anyone from just ordering dessert instead of the meal?
It is my belief that all desserts are just a form of either ice cream or cake.
ICE CREAM: FOREVER YOUNG
Just about everyone has a fond memory of eating ice cream as a child. It is rare to find a child looking disappointed while eating ice cream. As much as eating ice cream can make a child look happy, indulging in the exact same ice-cream-eating behavior makes an adult look pathetic. This is because ice cream is for children. Everyone likes ice cream, but it’s really for kids. Ice cream trucks, ice cream cones, and the sprinkles that go on the ice cream are for children. Kids get ice cream. Adults get alcohol. It’s only fair. Unfortunately, just like kickball, silly birthday parties, Disney, and diapers, ice cream has been co-opted by adults. Admittedly, I am an adult and I eat ice cream, but I’m not proud of it. I’m not going to walk around in broad daylight eating ice cream like some kind of fat, good-looking loser. Some things are better kept behind closed doors in the privacy of your own home. Every adult should know that the appropriate place to eat ice cream is on the couch in front of the TV, watching TLC. “(mouthful of ice cream) See, those Hoarders, they’re the ones with the problem!”
The way we adults rationalize eating ice cream is rather pitiful. “It’s hot outside. Let’s get some ice cream.” “My boyfriend broke up with me. I’m going to have some ice cream.” “My name is Jim Gaffigan. I’m going to eat some ice cream.” It’s always bittersweet when there is no ice cream in our home. Mostly because this means I just ate a pint of ice cream. I’ll try to blame it on one of the babies, but I find it hard to explain the ice cream stains on my shirt. I mostly eat ice cream at night in sweatpants, the uniform of ice cream eating. I’ll toss the lid even before I start eating the pint, because I’m not a quitter. Occasionally Jeannie will inquire, “Are you going to eat the entire pint of ice cream by yourself?” I answer, “Hopefully. Unless you selfishly want a bite.”
There was a time back in the ’80s when adults remembered that ice cream was for children. Frozen yogurt was presented as a healthier, adult version of ice cream. There was even nonfat frozen yogurt that meant you could eat delicious frozen yogurt without the fat. I don’t know why I find fro-yo so annoying. Some friends in college would replace lunch with nonfat frozen yogurt. “We are going out for fro-yo.” They would announce it like they were about to eat a salad or go jogging. I couldn’t express my joy enough when it was revealed that nonfat fro-yo, while it had no fat, had all the calories of regular ice cream because it was loaded with sugar. People again had to face the fact that eating ice cream really was for children. So the grown-up ice cream eater went back into hiding.
Suddenly in the ’90s an ice cream company from Vermont named Ben & Jerry’s burst onto the national scene and made it not only possible but also cool for adults to come out of the closet as ice cream eaters. The Ben & Jerry’s feel-good social agenda helped soften the reality of eating ice cream for adults. “I can eat ice cream with candy in it and help the environment? I’m eating this pint for the Earth.” My dream job would be to be the guy who comes up with those Ben & Jerry’s recipes. Now, that’s a great job. How could anyone complain about that job? I imagine that guy or gal just comes into work early in the afternoon. “What do I feel like binging on today? Let’s see … Reese’s, Snickers, vanilla ice cream, and a caramel swirl. Let’s call it, um, ‘Fat Daddy.’ Well, see you guys tomorrow. I’m going to go take a nap.”
Two hands!
LET THEM EAT CAKE
People tend to behave differently around different food. For example, being around vegetables can make people lose their appetites and the close proximity of cake turns people into neurotic messes. Cake has such a magnetic effect. It is difficult to pretend you are not mesmerized by its captivating presence. Everyone wants to devour the cake as soon as they see it, or at least dip a finger in the frosting, but you have to exercise restraint around your peers lest they discover that you truly have no impulse control. To cover up your greediness, you have to act bashfully ignorant of the existence of cake. “What is this called, cake? Well, I guess I’ll try it. I’ve never tried cake before.” We can’t simply enjoy cake. People eat cake like they are committing adultery: “Don’t tell my husband I’m doing this.” This strange behavior is driven by the fact that cake is a true symbol of gluttony. If you eat a whole pizza, your friends might respond, “Wow, you were hungry.” But if you eat a whole cake, friends will say, “You have a problem.” Eating cake is not like drinking alcohol. You never hear someone brag, “Yeah, last night I had four pieces of cake.”
“Why are you telling us?”
“I just wanted you to know I partied.”
Mikey takes after his father.
Cake is a social food. It must be eaten with someone else or in a group. There is something profoundly sad about eating cake while you are alone. Believe me, I do it all the time. The bonus of cake is that it’s not just cake. It’s usually cake with frosting on top. Frosting is a fancy name for sugar mixed with grease. I’ll never forget the time I found a tub of frosting in a cabinet when I was ten. I remember thinking, Wow, it would be really pathetic to eat this, but here goes.
Given that we all know cake is bad for us, we often try to hide the fact that we are eating it. We have masterfully created socially acceptable ways to disguise cake so we can eat it whenever we want. “It’s breakfast and I obviously can’t eat cake. I’ll have a muffin.” You know the difference between a muffin and a cupcake? Nuffin. A muffin is just a bald cupcake, and we all know it. If the muffins weren’t absurd enough on their own, there are also mini-muffins. How much denial are we in when we are eating mini-muffins? “Oh, I’m just going to have one or twelve. They are so small they don’t really count. They are like muffin vitamins, really. When I eat them, I feel like an astronaut.” We all know we are not supposed to have cake for breakfast, unless it’s a pancake. I’m not sure how that one slid through. “Young man, you’re not having cake for breakfast! You’re having fried cake with syrup for breakfast. Now, load up on that and try not to nap.” Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations for the day. “Well, looks like I’m not showering today. I’ll be digesting those carb-cakes for the next eight hours.”
The Power
Cake’s power over us is undeniable. How else would you explain anyone’s participation in a cakewalk, which is just musical chairs with the possibility of winning an entire cake? It should be noted that it is a cakewalk, not a cakesit. Maybe the chance of winning a cake is used as a way to motivate people to move. Cake is so powerful, it can actually bring people together.
OFFICE WORKER 1: It’s Bill’s birthday.
OFFICE WORKER 2: I hate that guy.
OFFICE WORKER 1: There’s cake in the conference room.
OFFICE WORKER 2: Well, I should say hello. See how he’s doing.
Take the picture so we can eat the cake.
If there was any doubt about the importance of cake, we need look no further than the milestones of our life. Cake is how life is celebrated. Birthdays, weddings, and retirements are honored with cake. Cake is a symbol for celebration. There is no replacement for cake at these events. Especially not pie. Pie, while delightful in its own way, can’t compete with cake. If you see candles in a cake, it’s someone’s birthday. If you see candles in a pie, someone is drunk in the kitchen. You never hear of a showgirl jumping out of a pie announcing, “Happy Birthday!” Jumping out of a pie would only make the showgirl look like she’s re-created the prom scene from the movie Carrie. “Take a shower, showgirl.” If someone is getting married, there is a wedding cake. If someone dies, you bring ove
r a pie, because bringing a cake would be inappropriate. Cake is too celebratory. Cake is way more important than pie. There is a popular band named after cake. Cake is a term used for wealth. A sad song was even written about a cake that was left out in the rain. Pies, on the other hand, just seem disposable. Pies are thrown in clowns’ faces.
There are innumerable types of cake. Here I analyze some of the more important ones.
Birthday Cake: Cake’s strongest association is with birthdays. Whether you are celebrating someone’s first or hundredth year alive, a birthday cake is usually presented to the honoree. Yet whenever you hear the “Happy Birthday” song, all you are really thinking is Hey, I’m about to get some free cake! While you sing the song you are mostly wondering what kind of cake it is. “Happy birthday to you. Hope it’s chocolate for me!” Birthday cakes typically have candles and writing on them, which is strange, because cake is the one food that needs no decoration or fanfare. A loaf of sugar bread smothered with a quart of icing has an appeal all on its own. How spoiled was the recipient of the first birthday cake?
MOM: Happy birthday, son! Mommy made you a cake.
SON: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I WANT FIRE! I WANT MY NAME WRITTEN ON THERE! AND I WANT EVERYONE SINGING!
If I hold the kid, I get the first piece, right?
Rum Cake: I guess rum cake makes sense. Who hasn’t been eating cake and thought, You know what this needs? Booze. A shot of liquor. I don’t have time to eat cake and drink alcohol at the same time. I only have two hands and one of them is holding a cigarette.