From what Maria had said, Parker at sixteen had been, at different times, angry, rebellious, uncertain, shy, and brash. Her Parker, or rather the Parker she knew, was the same in some ways, but also very different.
He could be serious and quiet, but he could also be funny and playful and warm. He was honest and reliable, and aside from what had happened earlier that night, she’d never known him to be reckless.
He definitely wasn’t uncertain or shy. He seemed confident and sure of himself. But was he really? She supposed it was possible he’d grown into that confidence, but maybe he wasn’t so different.
Maybe the reason he was so convinced things weren’t going to work out was because he wasn’t quite as confident in himself as he seemed. But still, there had to be more to it than that.
So many questions and so few answers. If anything, Maria’s stories had made her more confused than ever. So, she tried to get her beauty sleep, but instead, she prayed there was enough concealer in all of the northern hemisphere to cover the circles she’d have under her eyes come morning.
✽✽✽
Parker must have finally dozed off because he woke up from a nightmare before the sun was even up. He jackknifed up off the bed, sweat dripping into his eyes as he tried to remember where and when he was. His chest was heaving and his heart was racing in his chest. He felt like he was going to throw up.
The dream had been the same in a lot of ways, but strangely different. He was fifteen again and back in that shitty little trailer he’d shared with his parents. His mother was there, motionless on the bedroom floor while his father stood over her.
Parker’s father looked up and saw him standing in the doorway and without thinking twice, Parker turned and ran. He tripped over his feet, stumbled, and fell. He got back up and ran as fast as he could. As always, the trailer melted away into an expanse of black nothingness. He couldn’t see anything but he knew that his father was still out there somewhere.
He ran for hours until his legs were shaking and tired and he didn’t think he could take another step. When he finally collapsed, he turned to look behind him, expecting his father to be right there. Instead, all he saw was a door that seemed to appear out of nowhere.
The white painted wood was chipped and dented but there was light coming from underneath. He dragged himself to his feet and listened at the door. When there was no shouting, no banging, and no heavy footsteps he turned the knob and the door swung open.
It was a bathroom. An ordinary bathroom like the one in his apartment. He walked to the sink and splashed water on his face, but when he looked up at the mirror, there was no reflection. He wasn’t there. Instead, he saw straight through to the wall behind him.
The door opened behind him and he turned, terrified that his father had finally found him. But it was Amanda. Relief washed over him until he realized that she wouldn’t look at him. He said her name but she didn’t hear. And then she walked through him like he wasn’t there- like he was nothing. He was nothing.
That’s when he’d woken up in a tangle of twisted sheets. He took a few deep breaths and oriented himself within the room. Ten steps from the door to the bed, six steps from the bed to the bathroom, four steps to the window. If he left his room and turned left it was thirty-three steps to the elevator.
He could smell the faint scent of his own sweat, the subtle hint of fabric softener on the sheets, and… vanilla. He picked up the pillow from the other side of the bed and held it to his nose. Vanilla, spices, and Amanda filled his senses. He took a few more deep breaths through his nose and waited for his heart rate to slow.
It was just a dream. It was just like the others. It wasn’t real and it didn’t mean anything. He never had to go back there and his father could never hurt him or anyone he loved ever again.
Then why did he still feel like that fifteen-year-old kid, alone in the world with no one to care about him? Why did it still make him feel like he was nothing?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“You okay?”
Parker must have really looked rough if even Jackson had noticed.
“Yeah. Didn’t sleep much is all.”
“Me, either.” Jackson frowned and checked his watch. They’d gone down to grab some breakfast before they had to get ready for the wedding. They had a couple hours, but they were supposed to meet Connor in his room soon for some manly bonding time or to make sure he didn’t bolt, or both. Though Parker doubted very much if the idea of bolting had even crossed his mind.
Jackson had barely touched his pancakes and he’d been laser-focused on the door since they sat down. Not that Parker could blame him. He’d been checking the door every couple of minutes himself.
He didn’t like how he’d left things last night. Especially since he hadn’t wanted to risk texting Amanda after the message he’d seen from Maria. He didn’t know if they were both still at the party and if they were together, he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.
And that’s another thing that was weighing on him. He didn’t like lying to Maria, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d done it. More importantly, he didn’t want to remember, and he definitely didn’t want to keep doing it. But when he considered just letting the cat out of the bag, a familiar sense of dread kept him from going through with it.
But that was an issue he’d have to wrestle with later. Right now he needed to find a way to talk to Amanda and make sure they were okay. What if he’d gone too far and she decided this wasn’t for her? She didn’t say no, she didn’t tell him to stop, and she’d certainly been enjoying it right up until he said she couldn’t finish.
He still didn’t know exactly what had happened to him. It was like his lizard brain took over and he just couldn’t help himself. But that was no excuse. He should have at least checked in with her last night, and now he was afraid a simple text wasn’t going to do it. He needed to see her face to face, just in case he needed to apologize. Or grovel.
Because he knew he would. If she tried to break things off he would beg if he thought it would change her mind. Which was pathetic since he’d known from the beginning that eventually she would break things off. He just thought it would be because of her family’s disapproval, not because he’d fucked it up.
Although he’d been fucking things up since he was a kid, why should this be any different? Maybe it would be for the best if things ended now before she found out any more about him; before his heart got involved. He was starting to think it might be too late for that already.
“Parker,” Jackson said loudly.
“What?”
“I said, are you done? We need to get going.”
“Yeah, I’m done.”
They cleared the debris from the table, walked to the elevator, and rode it up the three floors to their room, all in silence. Judging by the nervous glances they got from people passing by, he could only imagine what the two of them looked like silently skulking through the hotel.
They parted ways, showered and dressed, and met outside their doors about an hour later. Neither man’s mood had improved any and on the short ride up to the fourth floor, Parker let out a sigh.
“We need to get it together,” Jackson said. “We’re too damn sullen for a wedding. It’s time to buck up and be there for Connor. Right?”
“Yeah,” Parker replied with a sigh.
“Plenty of time to deal with our own shit after the ceremony, right?”
“Right.”
“Alright, then. Backs straight, smiles on, and let’s do this.”
Parker couldn’t help but remember all the similar pep talks Jackson had given them back in Iraq and Afghanistan and pretty much wherever they’d ended up. Hell, Parker had been getting them since High School.
“Just like the good old days,” Parker replied with a wry smile.
“That’s right. We’re heading into the trenches, so let’s get our game faces on.” Jackson smiled back at him as the doors opened and they stepped out onto the battlefield.
✽✽✽
The wedding was at eleven, but all four of them had to get through hair and makeup and get themselves dressed by ten-thirty. Alexandra had hired a stylist to do everyone’s hair as well as her bridal makeup, but even a professional needed time to work.
The bridesmaids had all decided to go simple with both hair and makeup to make things easy on everyone and make sure that Alexandra really stood out. Even so, four hairstyles and a full face of makeup in four hours was going to be tight, and the last thing anyone wanted to do was make Alexandra feel rushed on her wedding day.
That’s why Amanda, Janie, and Angel had all been up by six and gone down to grab a quick breakfast together before splitting up to shower and get their things. She couldn’t tell if it was the early hour or something else, but it had been an exceptionally quiet breakfast so far.
Alexandra was having breakfast in her room so she didn’t risk running into Connor before the wedding, and Angel was usually pretty quiet. Amanda and Janie would normally have carried the conversation but they were both silently picking at their food.
“What’s with you two?” Angel had apparently had enough of the doom and gloom and finally decided to speak up.
“You know exactly what’s up with me,” Janie replied, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m so nervous I think I’m going to lose my breakfast. All three bites I managed to get down.”
“Okay, so what’s with you, then?” Angel turned those dark eyes on her and tilted her head.
“I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m just tired.” Amanda offered a weak smile and tried to eat more of her eggs, but her body revolted. The combination of a mild hangover, sleep deprivation and anxiety was making her queasy.
“You sure that’s it?” Angel asked, narrowing her eyes. “You sure it doesn’t have anything to do with someone we may have planned to poison?”
Janie’s eyes went wide and she gave Amanda and Angel a startled look.
“Possibly. Hypothetically,” Angel hurried to add.
“No.” Amanda shook her head and sipped her water. Her mouth was suddenly very dry. “Not at all. I’m just tired.”
“What is she talking about?” Janie turned in her seat to look at her and Amanda just shrugged.
“It’s nothing. I was upset with someone a couple weeks ago and Angel offered to help me poison them in a way that nobody would detect, like the good friend that she is. But it wasn’t necessary then and it isn’t now. I really am just tired.”
“Who was it?” Janie asked, curiosity making her eyes light up. Boy, did she love a good piece of gossip.
“She wouldn’t tell me,” Angel said in a stage whisper.
“Ooh, it must be someone we know then. Otherwise, why wouldn’t she tell you?”
“That’s a good point. I wonder who it is.”
“You guys know I’m right here. I can hear you.” Amanda crossed her arms and looked between the two of them, frowning.
“Yes, but clearly you’re not going to give it away, so we’re figuring it out on our own. Now pipe down unless you’re going to spill the tea.” Janie looked at her and waited a beat. When Amanda didn’t reply, she turned back to Angel to continue the conversation.
“Let’s go over the people we all know.”
Before Angel could respond, Amanda stood up, gathering up her plate and glass.
“Since you two don’t seem to need me, I’m going to go take a shower.” Amanda marched off, disposing of her mostly untouched breakfast before either one could say anything else.
Back in her room she showered, shaved, moisturized, and dressed in all the undergarments required to make the dress appear as if it fit perfectly with no help whatsoever. Apparently, the goal was to make everyone believe that your breasts just levitated by magic and your stomach was always so flat that the dress didn’t even wrinkle when you sat down.
She threw on a tank top and shorts that she could easily remove without ruining hair or makeup and headed upstairs to Alexandra’s room, makeup bag and dress in tow. It was just before seven when they’d all finally arrived and got to work.
Everyone mustered up the appropriate level of enthusiasm, despite their own issues, and after a while, Amanda’s mood was a little lighter and happier. They chatted and laughed and drank mimosas as they had their hair done and applied their makeup and finally slipped into their dresses.
Janie helped Alexandra into her gown once her makeup was done and the effect was breathtaking. Her sister had never looked happier or more beautiful. Amanda found herself fighting back tears that her sister had finally gotten the happily ever after she deserved.
As soon as everyone was dressed and ready, and the photographer had taken a few last pre-wedding photos, they were on their way down to the first floor.
The ceremony was being performed in the garden and they were escorted to a small room just inside the doors to wait until it was time to start the processional.
Alexandra stood there waiting, bouquet in hand, practically bouncing with impatience and Amanda leaned over to whisper to her.
“Are you okay? Nervous? Excited? planning to make a break for it?”
Her sister looked at her and laughed.
“Yes, yes, and definitely not.”
“You sure? Just say the word and I’ll cause a distraction so you can escape.”
“I’m sure. I’m just anxious to have it over with so we can start celebrating.”
“Ew. TMI.” Amanda made a face and nudged Alexandra with her elbow.
Alexandra laughed again and the joy on her face had Amanda wiping away a tear.
The music started and they were ushered into place and signaled when it was their turn to go. Amanda started down the aisle smiling into the crowd, picking out her parents, Charles, and a few other people that she knew. She winked at Connor and gave him an encouraging smile as she took her place beside the arch of flowers the couple would stand under during the ceremony.
She had intentionally avoided looking at Parker. Nothing good could come of seeing him in a kilt right now. She’d either start drooling or faint, and either would sort of ruin the vibe.
She watched Janie come down the aisle behind her and take her place between Amanda and the center aisle. As Alexandra started down the aisle, she’d taken a peek to see Connor’s reaction, but ended up staring at Parker instead. His face was turned as if he were watching Alexandra as she floated down the aisle, but he was looking at Amanda out of the corner of his eye.
She could feel her face flush and she hoped that everyone else would be too busy watching Alexandra to notice. But Parker noticed. The corner of his mouth quirked up into that little half-smile that made her heart speed up and she looked away before she could spontaneously combust.
She paid close attention to the bride and groom as they said their vows and were pronounced husband and wife, but all too soon it was time for the recessional. She knew from the rehearsal that she was supposed to walk back into the hotel on Parker’s arm.
She took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and composed herself so she wouldn’t give anything away.
To her dismay, Parker leaned down and whispered in her ear.
“We need to talk.”
“I know, but not now,” she mumbled through nearly closed lips.
“Are you okay? After last night?”
“Oh my God, would you shut up?” Her smile grew strained and she hoped no one would notice. She dug her fingernails into Parker’s arm to emphasize her point. “Not. Now.”
He grunted something in response, but she ignored it. As soon as they were through the double doors and back in the hallway of the hotel, she released his arm and walked away, joining the rest of the bridal party in the room they’d been in previously.
They were stuck here until the guests had been shown into the reception hall and they could safely leave without being spotted. Then there were photos and introductions to the guests, and it seemed like it would be ages before she could get Park
er even nominally alone.
She stormed past Janie, muttering to herself about stubborn, complicated men, and grabbed a glass of champagne from a circulating tray.
She downed it quickly and just prayed it would be enough to fortify her for the coming hour. Then again, maybe she should grab a second. She really felt like she could use all the help she could get.
✽✽✽
How many damn photos of the same group of people in the same positions could they possibly need to take? Parker was in absolute hell after ten minutes. His face hurt from smiling so damn much and he was starting to sweat in the wool coat they’d had to wear. At least the kilt was comfortable and allowed for some air circulation. Honestly, it was the only part of the get-up that he could really get behind.
He heaved an enormous sigh of relief once all the photos had been taken, they’d been introduced to the guests and his obligations as a groomsman had been fulfilled. The first thing he did was take off his jacket and hang it over the back of his chair.
The second thing he did was to track down Amanda since she wasn’t in the chair beside his where she was supposed to be.
He’d been told the guest list was “small,” but it was still well over a hundred people. Didn’t seem very small to him. If he ever got married-
Nope. Not going there.
He checked the bar first, mainly because he could use a drink, and then he made a circle of the dancefloor where Connor and Alexandra were having their first dance. Watching them for too long felt like looking directly at the sun. They were so shiny happy it hurt his eyes.
After twenty minutes, he finally found her in the corner, practically hiding behind a pillar. She was looking all over the place, almost like she was looking for someone. His breath hitched a little and he picked up the pace. As soon as she saw him, she bit her lip and glanced around, making sure no one they knew was nearby.
Her Keeper Page 20