I plastered a smile on my face as I swung open the door. In truth, opening that door terrified me. I could feel the symptoms of a panic attack building. I willed the ball of fear rising in my chest down. Focus. Breathe, Em. I hugged them both, taking their coats as they made their way into the living room. I practically ran back to the kitchen, avoiding any eye contact. Finally, I could breathe.
Control.
“Emma, it smells lovely in here, scones?”
“Of course.” I nodded. “But I can't take all the credit. It is your recipe after all.”
“Nonsense,” Gran snapped, a twinkle in her eye. “We all know I could certainly never do the recipe any justice. I was too busy kanoodling with your pop. No wonder they always ended up like little black rocks.”
“Gran!” Exclaimed mom, rolling her eyes at me. I am sure 90% of what came out of gran’s mouth embarrassed my mother.
In personality, mom and gran were like chalk and cheese, though it was obvious where my mother got her looks from. Even at her age, Gran had silky smooth skin, deep green eyes, and a smile that still managed to tempt men ten years younger than her.
Unlike gran, mom had no idea how beautiful she really was. With her long blonde locks falling halfway down her back and her long lean body, she could have been a model. Dad always said he was instantly drawn to her emerald green eyes. She was the complete opposite of me. I had the dark hair and blue eyes of my father. While I was in no way overweight, my body seemed to lack the length and grace of my mothers.
“Now Emma, how have you been?” Mom asked, taking a seat on the sofa. She glanced around. “The place looks nice.” She looked at me closely, obviously looking for signs of emotional instability from the other day. I smiled at her. In mother language that meant 'oh good you're cleaning.'
“Thanks.” I carried over the pot of tea and the condiments. “Scones will be a minute.” I placed the tray on the coffee table and went to rescue the scones. They were perfectly golden.
“Oh Emma, this all looks lovely. You go to way too much trouble though my dear.”
“It’s not like I don't have time on my hands Gran.” I laughed. The words hung in the air. Shit, why did I say that? I thought. I knew how much trouble my family had accepting my situation. My way of coping was to joke and lighten the mood. Their approach was to tiptoe around me and ignore the fact that I obviously still have serious issues relating to the attack. ‘If we ignore it, it's like it never happened.’ That is the Mancelli family philosophy. If anything, ignoring it made it worse. Who could I talk to if not my own family? My own dad barely found the time to call me, much less visit me. In the past year I'd seen him once.
Once. He had time to play golf, wine and dine clients, but no time to see his daughter. How did that work?
“How are your studies going?” Mom smiled at me, deliberately redirecting the conversation.
“Good.” I shovelled the last bit of my scone into my mouth. Yet again I'd outdone myself. These scones were awesome. The secret was the lemonade. And the cream. Cream can make even the worst scone seem tasty. Hell, cream made everything tasty. Cooking was what I did to try and hide the way I was feeling. I cooked a lot.
“You know Emma, this internet is the way to go nowadays.” Gran addressed me with all seriousness as she spooned a heap of cream onto her scone. “I’ve met up with four lovely men in the past week alone.”
“Gran!” I exclaimed, unable to keep the smile off my face. Gran was widowed and ninety-six. Not only was she on Facebook and Twitter, she had discovered the dating scene a few weeks ago. I now knew more about Mix and Mate, Perfect Match, and Adult Fun than I had ever cared to.
I'd learned two very disturbing things off gran. The first was the libido of the over eighty age group was insane. They made prostitutes look like church going virgins, and; the number of men under the age of sixty who were into a 'mature' woman was astounding.
“There is nothing wrong with shopping around Emma. How am I supposed to milk the cow?” Gran shrugged her shoulders unapologetically.
I coughed mid swallow, sending bits of scone across the table Mom shrugged at me helplessly, looking rather embarrassed. Again.
“So long as you’re happy, gran.” It was all I could say.
Should I be embarrassed that my great grandmother was getting more action than me? Probably.
If you discount the attack, I had never been with any boy. It's hard to meet men when you're housebound. And Tom was well... Tom. We were such good friends that sex had never been an issue we'd had to deal with. It had never even come up.
Pardon the pun.
Cass answered on the first ring.
“Expecting someone?”
“No.” She replied hurriedly. “I was just holding my phone. What’s up?”
“I need a little favour. Something I can’t really explain over the phone.” This was more than enough to get Cass’s attention. I never asked for favours.
“Sure. I will be over soon. Just have to finish something off here.”
“Bent penis guy? While on the phone to me?” I gaped at her. Why the hell did she even answer the phone/?
“Yeah he kind of came over and, well, it just happened.” Cass at least had the decency to blush. “I tried to take a picture for you.” She added, grinning.
“I don’t want a picture!” I couldn’t think of anything worse than seeing Cass’s latest boyfriends bent wang. “Geez Cass!” Cass giggled, showing no signs of shame. “So you like this guy then?”
“Honestly? No. He is rude, obnoxious, and not really my type at all.”
“Then why?” I gasped, giggling. Cass blushed again.
“Because when I told you he could hit the right notes, I wasn’t kidding.”
“Cass!” I groaned. She gaped at me, her eyebrows raised. She tried to look serious, but it was no use. Neither of us could keep a straight face. “Cass. You are crazy.”
“That’s great coming from you, Miss ‘I Can’t Find Any Man Sexy.’ I don’t expect you to understand, but I have needs that need to be dealt with.” Cass stared at me strangely. “You are blushing. Why are you blushing?” Her face lit up into a smile as she realised.
“You little slut!” My face went redder.
Chapter Eight
“Simon?” repeated Cass. “Hot law professor who goes to our university, who is twice our age Simon?”
I blushed. To that point, I hadn't really considered the age difference. He was four years younger than my mother. Which made him 18 years older than me. That was going to be an issue with many people, including my parents. I didn't need Cass banging on about it too.
“Simon who is a bit of an asshole, Simon?” Cass added. I rolled my eyes. I could tell this was going to go down so well…
“Nothing has happened.” I felt the need to defend myself, which was crazy considering Cass had had enough sexual partners to fill a stadium.
“I can’t point out how many things are wrong with this.” Groaned Cass. “Does he know about..? You know…”
“Gee Cass, how the hell would I have worked that into the conversation?” I tried unsuccessfully to keep the annoyance out of my voice. Cass had always been nothing but supportive of me. It had never occurred to me that she might have a problem with this.
Why did she have such a problem with this? How was this any worse than her using bent penis guy for sex? It scared me that I might not be able to share things with Cass. I needed her, and her support.
“I’m sorry Em.” Her face softened. “I’m just worried about you.”
“And I appreciate that, but you're not really helping here.” I was nervous enough without having to worry about not having her support. She jumped off my bed and gave me a hug. I relaxed, hugging her back. This was what I needed. My best friend.
“What can I do?' she asked, her whole demeanour changed. Gone was all the negativity. Cass looked at me with bright eyes. She smiled, and I knew her feelings were sincere. She just wanted me happy.
<
br /> “You can try being a friend for starters.” I couldn't resist a final dig at her.
“You know I'm always on your side.” Cass looked hurt. I reached over and squeezed her hand, instantly regretting my retort.
“Then let me enjoy this with you.” I pleaded. “Besides, all Tom has done is give me shit.”
Cass laughed when I told her what he'd done. Even I was smiling by the end of it. Not that he was forgiven. No, he still needed to pay for that, big time.
“So,” Cass began. “Have you kissed him?”
“No.” I blushed. “We are just friends. I think friendship is all I could handle. Right now at least.” Cass nodded, her eyes full of understanding.
“Em, you go at the pace you need to. If he is the right guy for you, he will understand. What can I do?”
“I need something to wear.” I looked at her sadly, motioning to the mess of clothes covering my floor.
Cass jumped up, determined and smiling. “I’ve been telling you for ears you have no taste. Give me an hour. Have coffee ready for me.” She instructed, putting on her jacket.
“Cass, what the- At least take some cash.” I called, waving some notes at her. She ignored my pleas and raced out the door. I stretched my legs out on the couch. I knew I had a few hours wait ahead of me. Cass was an obsessive shopper. I checked my email.
My mood dropped slightly when I saw there were no messages. I really wanted to call him, but I couldn't bring myself to press dial. In the end, I settled on a text, in the hope he'd ring me. It worked.
“Hello you.”
“Hi.” I smiled. I loved hearing his voice.
“So, do you know anything about forcing children to eat vegetables?” He asked, amused. I laughed, childhood memories of me stuffing cabbage into my socks filling my head.
“No children like vegetables,” I giggled. “Did you?”
“No, but that's not the point.” He laughed. “I’m not four and throwing a little tantrum.” Maddie cried loudly in the background. Poor girl.
“What are you trying to make her eat?” I was picturing a big plate of cabbage and cauliflower.
“Broccoli and sprouts.” Well, I wasn’t that far off. Even I wouldn’t eat that.
“Look, you have to make it fun. No kid is going to eat that. You have to pick vegetables that are edible, for starters.” I loved that he was asking me for advice. For once I didn’t feel like the inexperienced one in our relationship. “Tell you what. Boil some potatoes, pumpkin, carrots and beans, then fry them off together, all mashed up, and serve it on toast. Tell her it’s my secret recipe.”
“You’re secret recipe hey?” He repeated, amused.
“Just do it. And call me back.” He laughed and agreed to call me back. My stomach rumbled. All that talk of food had made me hungry. All that was in the fridge was some mince, and a few vegies that were heading past their prime. Maybe I could pull a Masterchef moment and make something out of all this.
Twenty minutes later, my full plate of pasta was looking pretty good.
“Open up, Em!”
I rolled my eyes. Cass had the worst timing. I put aside my dinner and ran to the door.
“Do you purposely wait until it's a bad time, or is that just luck?” I teased her. She looked up at me in mock horror.
“I guess it's just luck.” She poked her tongue out at me. “I can go if you prefer. And take this shopping with me?” She held the bags within my view and started backing toward the lift. I eyed the bags. We both knew she'd won this round.
“Get in here.” I grumbled. “If you want pasta, there is leftover in the pot.” Cass never said no to a free meal. She joined me on the couch, her plate piled high with pasta. I envied her ability to eat whatever she liked and still stay so thin. It's not like she exercised either. Her idea of exercise was shopping. She caught me looking at her.
“What?” She asked, her eyebrows creasing.
“Nothing. I wish I could eat like you.”
“Why not? Not like you ever go out. Who is going to care if you're a few pounds bigger?” She faked a surprised look. “Oh, that's right. Professor Hottie.” She teased. I rolled my eyes at her and gave her the finger. “His eyesight is probably so bad it won’t matter what you wear.” she made a face at me. “You know, being so old and all.”
“Jealous much?” I gave her the finger. “He’s 38, not 60.”
“Jealous?” Cass made a face. “Not me, but I'm sure I could name quite a few females who would be royally pissed off.” Cass licked her fork and giggled. “You should hear the talk about him before classes. I swear half his roll is only taking the class to perve.”
“I can understand why.” I giggled. Cass smiled too. It was good to be able to talk to her about him. I needed this.
“So” Cass began, pausing to pile another mouthful of pasta into her mouth. “How did it all start? Have you done the deed yet?” Good old Cass. Always the romantic. No messing about with her.
“No, I told you we haven't even kissed yet. I'm not sure I want to.” I did want to. I wanted to really badly. I just wasn't sure I could.
“Things will go smoothly so long as you are open about things.” Cass was right. I knew that. “And that's a two way street. Both of you need to be open about what you want from the beginning. It's obvious there is some level of attraction there, but you need to think before you pursue it. There are lots of things riding on this. You both have baggage.” she added seriously.
Strangely though, that was far from my biggest concern. In the back of my mind paranoid Emma was screaming 'what if he rejects you'.
“If you tell him how you feel and it goes nowhere, it’s not a reflection on you, Em.” Cass echoed my thoughts. “And I don't want to go on about the negatives, but have you really thought about the age difference?” I shot her a look. She raised her hands defensively
“I don't have a problem with it, but some people might Em. Your parents for a start. His parents. His friends.” Cass put her empty plate on the table. “His daughter.” Her eyes showed nothing but concern for me. I knew Cass, and I knew she just wanted me prepared. For everything.
“I can barely move past the fact that I like him. How others will view it hasn’t even entered my thought process.” Had he thought about it? How his friends and family would react? He hadn't spoken about them much. Cass was quiet. She looked at me.
“Em, there is also the school board, should they find out. And the DA office. I am positive it is a bad career move for him, getting involved with a student.” She said quietly.
She came over and wrapped her arms around me. It had never occurred to me that I could ruin his career. It was a given the university would not approve, but it wasn’t against the law. Student and professor relationships weren’t encouraged, but they happened. Only he wasn't just a professor. He was the Assistant District Attorney. Any kind of scandal would surely effect his position, and any chance of furthering his career. Was I ready to be responsible for that?
“Em, I'm just trying to get you to consider everything. Both of you.” She kissed my forehead as I fought back tears. Suddenly, she was pulling me to my feet. “Enough of the pity party. Let’s get your outfit ready.”
Chapter Nine
“Hello?” I call out. My head hurts. Everything hurts. I glance around the room. I shiver. It is so cold. I struggle to remember what happened. How did I get here? I look down at my hands. The rope is starting to rub through my skin. I begin to cry.
I woke up, breathing hard. My hands gripped the soft suede fabric of the couch. My couch. Another nightmare. No matter how often they came, I could never get used to them. They left me feeling so empty and scared, just like I did when I was ten years old. I rubbed along my arm, the sweat apparent on my fingers.
I stared at the cream ceiling above me. The feeling of it closing in on me slowly began to subside. My alarm sounded. Simon would be here soon. I needed a shower. Why did I think a nap was a good idea?
My reflection sta
red back me in the hallway mirror. I smoothed over the black skirt Cass had brought me. The blue top was more revealing than my usual attire, but I loved the way it made me feel. I felt sexy. Blue was a great choice with my dark hair and blue eyes. I tugged down the top slightly to reveal the slightest glance of my black lace bra.
I blushed as I thought about the matching lace panties. Cass had assured me there was nothing wrong with a bit of playing, and playing didn't entitle him to anything more. It was kind of funny hearing Cass give me the 'no means no' and 'I can stop at any time' lecture. That was probably the one thing I had been glad to miss out on growing up. The sex talk. I don’t know if mom had found it too awkward, or whether she thought I simply didn’t need it, but not once had she spoken to me about sex. Gran had, but then again, gran usually brought sex up in every conversation.
All through my teen years, sex was something bad. Something negative, something that could be used to hurt me. Even today, it was hard not to see sex as a scary obstacle that would eventually be placed in the way of moving forward in any relationship. Who thinks like that? A victim of sexual assault. That’s who.
The knock startled me, even though I was expecting it. He was right on time. My nerves were on high alert. I begged my inner goddess to stay in control. Things would go pear shaped fast if my insecurities got the better of me.
I opened the door. He stood, his lean body leaning against the door frame. His height meant he almost touched the top of the frame. His hair looked as though it had been styled with a run through with his fingers. I fought back the urge to run my own fingers through it. Stray ringlets broke through the conformity and fell around his ears.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” He looked at me appreciatively, his eyes lingering on my cleavage before slowly rising up to my eyes. “You look beautiful.” He murmured, his lips curving upwards.
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