“Get up.” I open my eyes. The daylight seeping through the edge of the sheet on the window hurts my eyes. “Get the fuck up.” He repeated. I don't move. I am so scared, I feel the tears pricking my eyes. I want to go home. He kicks me. Hard. I gasp, and struggle to my feet. I am woozy, barely able to balance myself. He grabs my arm roughly and yanks me toward a mattress in the corner of the room. I sob.
No, please not this.
I woke up feeling disorientated. I looked around, the familiarity of my surroundings beginning to hit. The comfort of being in my own surrounds was immense. I glanced down. I was still dressed in the same jeans and shirt as before. Even in the darkness, I could feel Cass's warm arms around me. It comforted me to know she was here for me. I struggled to sit up.
“Em? You okay?” She yawed, her words slurred. She sat up, taking a moment to focus.
“I’ve felt better.” I admitted. I grabbed my phone off the night stand. Holy shit. Fourteen missed calls from Simon, and four text messages. All of them read the same. He was worried about me, and he wanted me to call him. Day or night.
I looked at the clock. 10pm. I owed him an explanation.
Sorry about before. Are you able to come over now? I think we need to talk. E xx
Simon sat on the couch opposite me. His eyes showed various emotions. Worry. Confusion. Concern. He waited patiently for me to speak. We had been sitting for nearly ten minutes while I summoned up the courage to speak. Ten minutes of silence. Me, staring out the window (yes the window!), and him, fiddling with his hands, glancing up at me occasionally. I took a breath, keeping my eyes focused on the potted plant on the balcony.
“I was attacked.” I began. “When I was ten, I was walking home from my best friends place. It was 7pm. I'd called my mom to pick me up, but she told me to walk. It was only a few houses.” I took a breath. I watched the traffic move slowly past on the road.
“I was halfway home when I was grabbed from behind. He pulled me into a van. I blacked out. Chloroform I think the police said. I work up in a room- or something. I was chained to a bed. He kept me there for three days. For some of it I was unconscious. For most of it I wasn't. I tried to imagine I was somewhere nice. Like the beach. Under an umbrella. Reading a book.” I smiled to myself. I'd always loved the beach. The way the waves crashed onto one another, then fizzled out into the sand.
I was aware Simon was now behind me. He didn't say anything but I could feel his breath on my neck. I turned to face him. The pain he was feeling showed in his eyes, as did the anger, and the concern. Reaching out, he wiped the tears from my cheek.
“After three days I guess he'd had enough of me. He dumped me in a park. I was found a few hours later, barely alive.” Simon drew in a breath. His hands ran through his hair and rested behind his head. His expression was shocked. Whatever he had imagined, it was obvious it in no way compared to this. “I was repeatedly raped, in ways even you can't imagine. I was beaten, and I was stabbed.” I turned slowly and lifted up my top to reveal the thick scars that ran across my stomach, my everyday reminder of how lucky, and how unlucky I was. I looked into Simon's eyes, searching for his reaction. I waited for the pity, the repulsion. Instead I saw something else. Something unexpected. Pride? Simon place his hands over my shaking hands.
“I didn't think I could feel any stronger about you Em. You are such a remarkable young woman.” He leaned forward and kissed me gently on the forehead. His strong arms wrapped around me tightly.
I suddenly felt weak. Like I might collapse. I had spent so long building up his reaction in my mind, to have his acceptance and love meant so much to me. To say his reaction was unexpected was a complete understatement. I had expected him to be half out the door before I'd gotten the first sentence out.
“You can leave if you want to. I understand.” I ignored the lump in my throat. If he left, I'd be crushed.
“You don't get it do you?” He shook his head in dismay, a grin spreading across his face. “You silly, silly girl. So many people have been through less than you, and not been able to recover. I've seen people homeless, addicted to drugs, sex. I've seen people enter a life of crime, self-loathing. I've seen people die.” He spoke quietly. “But you? You have pulled yourself together. You are amazing, Miss Mancelli.” He kissed me again. This time on the lips.
“How can you possibly think I am pulled together? I am agoraphobic. I haven’t left the house without the help of sedatives since the attack. I’m not remarkable. I’m certainly not special.”
Simon shook his head, smiling. “You think being agoraphobic means you can’t be special? News flash Emma. You get up every day. You study. You have great relationships with your friends. You are an amazing, caring, funny girl. So what if you can’t leave the house? So you’re not perfect, but who is?” He kissed my forehead. “You cope every day, in spite of what happened to you, and that is what makes you remarkable.” He gently pushed away a strand of my hair, and looked deeply into my eyes. “I want you, Em.”
“What does that mean?” His kiss answered everything.
“It means I’ve tried being your friend and it wasn’t that good...”
“Gee thanks.” He laughed loudly. He kissed me again, his soft lips hungry for mine.
“You know what I mean. I can’t just be your friend. I need all of you Em. The good and the bad.” He leaned in again, his lips connecting with mine in yet another passionate kiss.
Chapter Eleven
“Woo hoo! About fricking time!” Cass raised her glass and cheered at me. Tom joined in. I smiled at them both.
“Em, I'm so happy for you. I mean I know I wasn't the biggest supporter of you guys in the beginning, but I can see how happy he makes you and that makes me happy.” I leaned over and hugged Cass.
“I am happy. Really happy. When we kiss, it's like...” I sighed. How was it that I couldn't find the words to how he made me feel? I could always find the words. Tom groaned.
“This isn't going to turn into a girly chick crying hugging thing is it?” I cheered as Cass whacked him over the head with her bag. Tom looked shocked. Even Cass was surprised at the force of her swing.
“Hey!” Cass simply shrugged. “You deserved it.” She replied nonchalantly. I rolled my eyes. How had I managed to score such amazing friends?
Cass and Tom kept bickering. They were both so similar in personality. Cass was threatening to hit him over the head again.
“Guys, please.” I put up my hands. “Either get a room, or shut up. Enough with the violence too” I directed my last comment at Cass, who went an even deeper shade of red, while Tom sat there with his mouth open. What the hell is with these two, I wondered. I'd never heard them argue so much in my life.
“So when are you seeing him again?” Cass changed the subject, but not before flashing a glowering look at Tom. I looked at my watch.
“Oh, in about an hour?” Both of them stared at me. “What?” I protested.
“How many days have you seen him this week?” Cass teased.
“How many times have you seen bent penis guy?” I shot back. Tom laughed.
“Seriously? Okay, I so need details on this one.” He crossed his arms over his chest and waited for Cass to spill. She glared at me as I poked my tongue out at her. That would teach her to mess with me.
“What, you’ve never seen a bent penis?” Cass grumbled, taking a large gulp of her drink.
“Actually I haven’t. I’ve never even heard of a bent penis.” Tom sputtered between fits of laughter.
“Well now you have.” Tom reached over and shook her arm. Cass rolled her eyes, and shot me another look. I smiled back at her innocently.
“Come-on. You have to give me more than that.” He begged. Cass rolled her eyes again and stood up. “Take me out for a drink and maybe I will fill you in.”
“You didn’t answer my question.” I interjected smiling as they both headed toward the door.
“Neither did you.”
“We were only friends up
until yesterday.” I protested.
“It was never ‘just friends’.” Scoffed Cass. “From day one you two have had some weird connection, admit it. That first email, you were smitten.” Tom grinned back and forth at Cass and me. He was loving this. He liked to see us argue. Probably some kind of sexual thing, where he hoped it turned into a naked pillow fight. Every guy probably hoped a girl fight would turn into a naked pillow fight though.
“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Does it really matter now?” I pushed her into her coat. “Now both of you, go.” I ordered. I could still hear Cass arguing halfway to the lift.
“Hey you.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek gently.
“You look beautiful.” He whispered. Tonight he looked amazing, in a polo shirt and loose fitting black pants. He handed me a bunch of roses. My eyes lit up.
Flowers. I'd been so taken by him I hadn't even noticed him trying to hide them behind his back. I took them, fingering the stem of one of the flowers.
“So,” I began. Shit I was nervous. Tonight felt no easier than last night. I was still a ball of worry and nerves. The only difference was tonight I was more nervous because there was actually a chance things might progress past kissing. Why had I assumed that getting the first kiss out of the way would make the rest that little bit easier? If anything, it was worse. Now that I knew how much I wanted him, I was so terrified of stuffing everything up.
“Are you okay with this, Em?” Simon grabbed my hand and led me to the couch. I let him sit me down.
“I’m just really, really nervous.” I admitted. “And a little bit scared if I'm going to be honest. It's been a long time since. Well...” I blushed. There was no way to finish that sentence without sounding like a freak. Simon laughed, he touched my arm, my body tingling in response. There was no doubting it, my body definitely wanted him.
“If it makes you feel any better, I'm bloody nervous too.”
“You?” I cocked my eyebrow, eyeing him suspiciously. Somehow I found it very hard to believe that he could be nervous. He had that cool older guy vibe going on. No way could he ooze that and be nervous.
“Yes really.” His voice hid any nerves well. “I’m at a student’s house, who is almost half my age, and all I can think about is kissing her. Again.” I ran my tongue over my lips and watched as his eyes grew bigger with anticipation. I bit my lip, a move that almost made him orgasm on the spot. The way he looked at me, deep into my eyes, I could see how much he wanted me. It made me feel so…horny.
Yes. Horny.
Now there's an adjective I don't think I've ever applied to myself.
“You want to kiss me? Then kiss me.” He looked as shocked as I felt with my bold statement, but he didn’t need to be told again. He slowly leaned in, breathing in my scent. His nose brushed mine causing me to shiver with anticipation. I was terrified of him touching me, yet I needed him to touch me.
Gently, he placed his lips on mine. I could feel his breath. I could taste the saltiness of the sweat just above his lip. His hand entangled my hair as he kissed me with more force.
“God you are beautiful.” He groaned, breathing in my neck, placing kisses all over my skin. Each kiss awakening a little more of the sexual beast inside of me. His touch was something I'd never experienced before. I wanted more.
His hand guided its way up my leg, lifting my skirt in the process. He pushed me against the wall, neither of us caring the door was still wide open. His kisses intensified, his hand cupping the nape of my neck. I was vaguely aware of where this was going, yet I didn't want him to stop. His hand moved down my thigh, lifting my skirt higher.
I began to panic. This was all wrong.
“Simon, no.” He looked down at me, his eyes awash with confusion. He'd stopped right away. I tried to move away from his grasp. He held onto my hands and pulled me into his arms.
“It’s okay Em. As slow as you need to go.”
I knew then, right at that moment, I loved this man. I might not be able to show him that yet, but I loved him more than I've loved anything in this world. He gently eased me out of his arms.
“Let’s sit down. We can watch some TV.” He suggested. I smiled, nodding. He turned on the TV. An episode of The Late Show was playing. Neither of us were focusing on that though. His eyes were gazing at me. I felt embarrassed. Why was he staring at me? I bit my lip. He groaned, pulling my lip out of the clutches of my tooth.
“If you keep dong that I will have to kiss you. You have no idea how crazy you make me.” He nuzzled up to me, kissing my neck. I led his face to mine, letting his lips enclose around mine. “You are amazing Emma. Simply amazing.”
That night we kissed. We kissed for hours, barely taking a moment to focus on anything but each other.
By the end of the night, all I wanted was for him to kiss me again.
“So how have things been this week, Emma?” I hesitated, conflicted on whether or not to tell Doctor Mellow about Simon.
“Good.” I began slowly. “I have been trying to work though things in my head.” I glanced toward the balcony. “I’ve managed to sit a chair in the doorway of the balcony with the door.”
“That is a wonderful start, Emma. You need to keep pushing yourself. Each day go a little bit further.” He scratched his elbow through the thick material that was his plaid jacket.
From a parachute tracksuit to a plaid suit? Seriously? I suppressed a laugh, glad that his ability to understand the mind was more advanced than his fashion sense. “And have you found something to distract yourself with?”
“Someone.” I corrected. Dr Mellow looked at me, confused. “I’ve met someone.” He looked surprised by this. Shocked even.
“Oh?”
“His name is Simon. When I’m around him, I don’t think about things. And when I’m not with him, I think about him.” Should I tell him? “What I tell you has to stay between us, right?”
“Right.” He spoke slowly.
“Simon is my professor. We started communicating as friends, and now things have progressed.”
“Progressed?” Dr Mellow frowned over the edges of his glasses.
“Yes. We can’t be just friends.”
“Emma, are you sure this Simon isn’t taking advantage of you and your situation?” Dr Mellow scribbled in his notebook, which unnerved me. I didn’t want any risk of this getting out.
“Can you not record this?”
“Pardon?”
“I don’t want to risk this getting out. If you write it don’t then there is a trace. There is evidence.” My voice became louder as I spoke. I suddenly wanted to take back the last few minutes. Why did I mention him? “You have to keep this to yourself by law, right?”
“Emma, this information won’t leave this room. Tell me more about this man. How does he make you feel?” I glanced uncertainly at his notebook. Hesitation overtook me before I continued.
“He makes me feel loved.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I can’t really describe how he makes me feel. There are no words strong enough to properly convey how he makes me feel. Nothing even comes close.”
“How long have you been seeing him?”
“A week and a half. Almost two weeks.”
Chapter Twelve
“So I have a rather strange question that might make you want to run for the hills.”
That made me sit upright in bed. I dropped my phone, sending it crashing onto the hardwood floor. I struggled out of the tangle of sheets, finally managing to scoop up the phone. I quickly inspected it for damage. I have no idea why I go through so many phones. Simon was chuckling when I put it back to my ear.
“Sorry.” I mumbled, embarrassed. “You have a question?” I repeated.
“Right.” He paused, like he was thinking the best way to word what he wanted to say. The silence naturally made me panic. Silence was never good. “I wanted to know if you'd like to meet Maddie.”
Wow. I had not been expecting that. Did I want to meet his daughter? That made everything that much mo
re real. I didn't doubt this was a huge step for him too.
“Wow.” I managed. That is all I managed. I didn't know what else to say.
“Em, even if we just end up beings friends, I think you're the type of person I'd love for my daughter to know. You are an amazing woman, regardless of what you think.” I was speechless. How could I say no to that?
“I’d love to meet her.”
“You’re meeting his kid?”
“Yes. Is that weird?”
“A bit.” Cass replied. I clutched the phone tighter and paced the room. Cass was supposed to be reassuring me, not making me want to lock myself in the cupboard. “But I guess it means he is really into you.” It did, didn’t it? I smiled as I felt myself relax. What I needed was to approach this like it was a good thing. Which it was.
“It is a good thing.”
“Right.” Cass chuckled. “So keep it that way and stop trying to make it into a bad thing.”
“You are the best.” I declared. “Seriously. Best friend ever.” Cass laughed again.
“I will tell Tom you said that.” Her mention of Tom reminded me of the weirdness between them the other day.
“Speaking of Tom. What was with you two the other day?”
“What do you mean?” Cass knew exactly what I meant. Her voice became low and tense, like it did every other time she was stressed.
“I just thought things were off. Never mind. I must have imagined it.” Cass rambled on about a nightclub she was going to with Kally. Smiling, I pretended to listen. I knew when my best friend was lying, but I also knew she’d talk to me when she was ready.
“Sounds fun. Have a good night. I have to get ready to entertain a four year old.”
The little girl stood behind Simon's leg, peering out at me curiously.
I smiled at her and her face disappeared out of view. She was shy, but she was adorable. Her chocolate curls, which hung down to her shoulders, were held off her face with a pink butterfly clip. Her bright pink skirt completely mismatched her orange leggings and green shirt.
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