Matt raised his water. "Cheers to that."
James didn't look so thrilled.
"So, what do you do for a living?" I asked.
"I'm a gynecologist."
I tried not to spit my drink all over myself. No wonder Sarah kept this guy a secret. Ella would have a fit.
"Oh, really?" Matt said, shifting in his seat. "You don't find it weird looking at other women like that all day?"
"Not at all. A job is a job."
Right, I thought.
"Is that why your other wife left you?" Matt said.
I slapped Matt's knee with the back of my hand. "Well, if you hadn't already put your foot in your mouth there goes your leg."
"I'm kidding." James laughed. "I'm a mechanic. Nothing exciting. Sarah told me about Ella and her ideals. I had to mess with you a little."
I laughed. "My poor Ella. She looks at the world with such love. Everything around her turns into a love story. Even the trees play a part. She may be a tad idealistic in some areas, but honestly, I'd rather err on the side of idealism than settle for less than what that girl has brought to my life."
"Wow, Gavin," Matt said. "Haven't heard you open up like that in, well, I can't even remember the last time."
"Yeah. That's only the tip of an enormous iceberg that would sink not only the Titantic, but an entire continent."
"Could a continent sink?" James said.
Matt laughed. "Anyway, James, what happened with your last marriage? How has Abby handled everything?"
"Did Ella set you up to this?"
"Just wondering. You don't have to answer."
"I've never been married."
"Oh," I said. "Well, what about Abby? Does she see her mother ever?"
"She can’t remember her mother or her father."
Matt and I looked at each other.
"Are you messing with us again?" Matt said. "Because that doesn't make any sense to me. I know I'm short on brain cells, but the girl has to have a mother and aren't you the father? She doesn't call you ‘daddy’ for nothing."
"I am her father," he said. "But she never met her birth parents. My brother and sister-in-law went out on their first date since Abby's birth. My mom watched Abby. She was only about six months old at the time. They were on a canoe. Hit some debris under a bridge. Flipped over. Their bodies were found a week later. Anyway, they died and my parents said they were too old to take the baby. They asked me next since I was the only person left in his family."
"Wow," I said. "Just goes to show . . . you should never judge a book by its cover."
"Sadly too many of us still do, even though that phrase is so popular," Matt said. "So how old were you when you took the baby?"
"I got custody of Abby two days after my nineteenth birthday, three days earlier I got an acceptance letter and scholarship to play running back for the University of Alabama. It was my dream."
"Wow, man." I shook my head. "That's a big sacrifice."
"There's more to the story. I'm not the hero I seem to be." He stood. "But I'm not ready to get into that yet. Maybe another day." He opened the back door. "Sarah has been afraid to introduce me to Ella because she knew it wouldn't be ideal for Ella, but it's hard enough for me to find a woman who will accept this about me. I come with a package deal. So many girls have turned away even after knowing why I have Abby. Sometimes I'd go out and pretend like I didn't have a kid, just to have fun with no strings attached."
He walked into the kitchen. We followed.
"So." I closed the door. "Sarah's only hesitancy is Abby?"
He lowered his voice. "She's afraid the cancer will come back and Abby will lose a mother a second time. She can't stand the thought of that so she keeps her heart from me. I know she loves me though."
"I'm so sorry." Matt looked down.
"It will work out," I said.
"Leave it to Gavin," Matt said. "He sees the world through rose-colored glasses."
I grabbed another drink. "If only that were true."
"Oh, come on. You are the joyful light bulb that never burns out."
I nodded. Matt looked at me. He didn't quite know what to think when my mind fell to a more reflective state. He knew something was up. Something I never spoke about. I don't know why. Felt like my real feelings were locked in a prison with no bail. There were times I wanted to set them free, but couldn't figure out how. So I'd sit there. Staring through the bars. Waiting for someone to turn the key.
I thought of Tylissa and Mwenye. I know the guy had a sweet personality, but what didn't I know? Sometimes I wondered if he really did have a tweak out moment and kill all those kids. Why else would he admit to it?
"Hey." Ella touched my arm as I leaned into the refrigerator. "Matt and James just came in and said you didn't look so good."
"I'm fine. Just thinking."
"I know better."
"You deserve better, too."
"That's not true at all." She tugged on my hair. "I deserve nothing. You are a gift to me."
"I'm okay. Really. Just want to focus on the wedding and you."
She smiled as a single drop ran from her eye to her nose. I wiped it away and held her chin. We didn't need to speak for me to know what she wanted to say. She loved me. And she wanted me to let go. She wanted me to move on from the past and start a new life with her.
"What I'm about to do is not easy," I said. "And it's all for you."
I kissed her cheek and led her by the hand. Lydia and Sarah looked up from the floor. Still packing petals. The guys eyed me from the couch. I cleared my throat. Counted to three inside. Sliced open my chest. And laid my heart out for everyone to see.
"Most people in this room think I'm a ball of joy just waiting to roll into someone's life. Fact is, I'm not. I'm nowhere close to it. My mom died in childbirth and my dad left me on the side of the road. He disappeared for three decades. And now he's back. Maybe that seems like a good thing, but it's not easy for me and I want nothing to do with him." I squeezed Ella's hand. "But this lady here wants me to try, so I am. All this to say, I'm not who you think I am, but I want to try to be better. I pretend to see the world through positive eyes, thinking maybe if I pretend I will convince myself that it's true. But deep down I'm a mess."
Sarah looked down. Arms crossed. Sadness painted on her face. James watched her as I did. Everyone in the room stood to hug me, except Sarah. After everyone had their turn and talked with me for a few minutes she finally stood. Ella walked over to her. They whispered on the couch for the next hour until everyone decided it was time to go.
She said goodbye to James and Abby and turned to Ella and me.
"Thank you for that, Gavin. I can relate and I think I really needed to hear that." A tear tripped over her eyelid. "I am a joyful person. I know sometimes it is real. I know it is. But sometimes it's not and when you spend your life pretending to be perfect and happy it gets lonely. You realize no one knows you and loves you for who you really are, just the person you're pretending to be."
"Well," Ella said. "I think James does love you for who you really are and I'm happy you found him."
Another tear. "So he told you guys who Abby is?"
"What?" Ella looked at me. "Who is she?"
"He didn't want to tell anyone. I thought he told you."
"He told us," I said. "I'll share with Ella when you leave."
We said our goodbyes and I looked at Ella. Deep into her eyes. Down below Emerald City and into her heart. She knew what I was thinking and blushed. It's not often you find someone you love for better or worse and grow together with them, into one person, into someone better because of it. She was my person. My one person. We were growing into each other. Changing. Morphing into one soul. And I loved every second of it.
Chapter Fourteen
Time flew by. Wedding plans galore. Not to mention our new business, which I have to say, became an instant success. We had a ton of kids and not enough time to devote to each one, so we started offering group lessons for a cheaper price
and private lessons for the existing price. After our wedding we planned to find a studio right outside the city. And that would be in a few months. Can't believe how fast time flies.
The weekend snuck up on us and Ella finally decided to revive the letter from Pop and ask me to take her to the next place. So we got in the car and drove off. Lynyrd Skynyrd in our ears, summer sun casting light on our faces, we held hands as I pulled up to Pop's rundown beekeeping area. Untouched for years.
Ella looked around. "Is this his land too?"
"It was. Yeah. He had two-hundred acres."
"Wow."
"I have no idea where he'd plant it here. We took care of the bees together for a few years. Made honey and beeswax candles. We weren't good at it and the bees freaked me out, so we stopped."
She smiled and ran her hand across the old wood. I loved watching her walk. She floated wherever she went. Gentle, long strides. Made me want to take her home and make her my wife right away.
"So," I said. "I know we're pretending to be Willerbean and Mary Lou Dashwood.”
She laughed. "Willoughby and Mary Anne. And Willoughby ends up not so nice in the end. He chooses money over love."
"Right. So we are pretending to be a modern day Jane Austen story, but really now, can we pretend to be normal tonight?"
"Normal is relative."
"Normal is a relative to me, not so sure you guys are related though."
She shoved my shoulder and laughed. "You think I'm weird, huh?"
I shrugged and nodded.
"Well, buddy, it's my weirdness that will keep our candle burning when most snuff out and find another light."
"I'm not gonna argue with that, but why can't we just cuddle in bed on a rainy Sunday afternoon?"
"One day you'll look back. Maybe when you're ninety. But it will happen and you will thank me. Trust me." She looked across the hills. "So where's the next letter?"
"Probably by the plum tree." I pointed and we started walking. "But why will I thank you then?"
"Your grandfather liked to plant. Didn't you learn anything from him?"
"What's planting got to do with it?"
"No matter how excited you are when you come home with pots and pots of beautiful plants, you can't just stick them in the ground and expect them to grow. You need to prepare the soil first." She locked her fingers with mine. "So we're preparing our soil. You aren't just anyone to me. You are the one. The only. If we start our lifelong relationship with passion and sex then what would happen when that's gone? When kids come and bills happen? If we don't start as best friends it will be a lot harder to become best friends when hard times come. We will start blaming each other for all of our problems instead of working through them together."
I nodded. Speechless. What could I say to that? Most people I knew wanted passionate and emotional whirlwinds. They couldn't get through a romance novel unless someone had their shirt off by chapter three. Then there's my Ella. Romance was different in her world. In our world. She believed it lived all around us. In the trees, the blue sky hiding behind rain clouds, snow flakes clinging to windshields, squirrels hiding their food, blades of grass catching drops from a misty morning, and in every person to walk the earth. Ella loved to sit on city benches and make up stories about passing strangers. Since meeting her my entire world changed. I always turned life into strands of color on an empty canvas. People blurred by like flashes of light. Just blurs. Then Ella walked into my life and everything slowed down. The blurs of color became people with stories. People with hearts. People. Like me.
She ran her fingers along the arms of the plum tree and stopped at the tip of a leafless branch. "Do you ever wonder what would happen if we broke off all of our dead branches?"
I smiled and nodded. The way I always did when she said something I didn't understand.
She smiled back and squinted her eyes. "What kind of beautiful tree would I be if I cut off all the rotting parts?"
"You already are beautiful."
"Maybe to you, but most of us are more rotten than we realize. Seriously, Gavin. What if I just become a big dead tree that catches fire and turns to ashes?"
"You won't." I knelt down and held out my hand.
She put the shovel on my palm and hung her thumbs from the loops of her jeans.
"What's on your mind?" I said, pulling a ziplock bag out of the ground.
"I'm just wondering."
"Wondering what?"
"Wondering what my dead branches are. It's hard to remove something if you don't know it's there and I don't know . . . I kind of have this fear."
"Fear?"
"What if we find dead branches and you fall out of love with me? What if I can't change and you change without me? What if you don't like what you find inside? What if—”
I stood and pressed my finger over her lips. She closed her eyes. I kissed them and made my way down her cheek to her lips. "And everyone thinks I think too much."
She smiled. "I'm serious. I really fear that."
I cupped my hands around her face and pulled her toward me. "There is nothing that can make me stop loving you. Do you hear me? Nothing."
“But—”
"Nothing."
"I don't want to lose what we have."
"We won't lose this, but it takes work like everything else does. I'm going to fight for you every day of my life, Ella. So relax and let me love you."
She leaned into my chest and wrapped her arms around my back. Her head in one hand and Pop's letter in the other, I stood there and cradled her until the evening sun painted the clouds purple.
Finally, she took the bag and opened the letter. I closed my eyes as she read.
Hey there boy,
Remember when a bee found its way into your suit and you ran around in circles like you'd been caught on fire? Do you remember our talk after that? I told you to stop putting up walls to protect yourself. It's easy to build brick walls, but one day you will want to escape the walls you've locked yourself in and you won't know how. You'll be trying to crawl through holes and find some escape, only to get stuck.
I imagine your walls may be pretty high right now. You've probably let your girl in by now, but what if she dies too? No one on this earth can be everything to you, Gavin. So stop looking for it in others and find it in yourself. There's a beautiful world inside you and it's waiting to be discovered. Sometimes when you build walls you don't realize that other people can see through them. It's yourself you've harmed because you can't see out. So let go please. Let go of your fear of losing people, your fear of being lost. You are not an orphan. You are not an unwanted little boy. You are an adult now and you have to stop letting the little boy inside dictate how you live now.
Let go, Gavin. Do it for me. Don't live the rest of your life wishing the past were different and trying to control your future. You will regret it even more than you regret not coming to see me before I died.
Love,
Pop
PS - your father came to see me before I died. I know you are having trouble with this and I asked him to wait. But now is the time. He has the next letter. It's locked in a box. You will have to bust it open, but I wanted you to know that there's no way for him to read it. Forgive him, and then go get it. Since you probably deleted his address or phone number, here they are.
Chapter Fifteen
Ella and I drove back to our house in Philly without talking much. Exhausted, I walked in and fell back into the couch. She sat beside me and pulled her cell phone from her purse.
"That's weird," she said.
"What?"
"About five missed calls from an unknown number."
"Pennsylvania?"
She nodded. "No voicemail. Should I call back?"
"Maybe? I never call back if I don't know the number, but they called five times."
She pressed the phone to her ear. "This is Ella Rhodes. Did someone call me from this number?" She squinted as all peace vanished from her face. Then she raised her
eyebrows and dropped the phone.
I picked it up. "Hello. This is Ella's fiancé. Who is this?"
"I'm sorry, sir. Sarah had Ella as her emergency contact so we are only allowed to notify her. We have disclosed the information to her. She can contact the hospital if she needs more information."
I hung up and pulled Ella's shoulders back to my chest and swept the hair from her face. "What happened?"
“Campfire accident.”
"Bad?"
"James is in burn unit and Sarah...." Her voice trailed off into sobs. I held her for a few minutes. Expecting the worst. She wiped her face and looked at mine. "She's severely burned and in a coma."
"Severely burned? From a campfire?”
"They didn't say much. Just warned me that she will look bad if I visit and that her entire body was affected."
"Wow. Should we go visit them?"
"They were taken to West Penn. It's kinda far."
I looked at my phone. "If we leave now we will get there by midnight."
"We can't visit at midnight anyway. We can go in the morning."
"Does that mean you will stay the night?"
She gave me the eyes.
"Let's be honest. I've wanted to make love to you since the first kiss, but I'm not asking for that. I'm just asking for a little lady to get tangled up in my sheets while I dream about her from my couch."
She ran her fingers up my sleeve and squeezed my shoulder. My self-control had its limits and she was walking me along the edge. I closed my eyes as she moved toward me. Her self-control wasn't holding up so well either. I could tell by the way her lips trembled as they lingered on mine. She put her finger on my mouth and kissed around it. I held her head as she squeezed the back of my neck, then stood, taking the road less traveled. At least since about 1920.
"I need to go home anyway for clothes and I want to grab a few things of Sarah's. I will meet you here in the morning. How's eight?"
I stood. "Eight is good."
I kissed her goodbye and stood at the front door until the taillights disappeared. Tomorrow I'd tell her the truth. Maybe in the car ride. Maybe, I thought, I'd make it like a Jane Austen movie. And since I had no idea how, I decided to watch Sense and Sensibility, but as I watched I thought of Sarah, pictured her body in flames and my own mortality. I couldn't focus on the movie. At all. Eventually I closed my wet eyes and drifted off to a restless attempt of sleep.
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