Back in the common room, I said to Flossie, “You’re not really going to meet Seth tonight, are you?”
She said, “You bet your bottom dollar, Miss Lullabelle. Seth Hinchcliff is mine for the taking.”
Vaisey said, “What will you do with him, Flossie?”
Flossie said, “What won’t I do with him, Miss Vaisey?”
Vaisey went red.
I went red because I remembered what I had done with Cain. What if he’d told Seth? What if Seth knew? What if Seth told Flossie?
After last bell went, I told the Tree Sisters I was so cold I had to go home to warm up my bottom. The thought of accidentally bumping into Seth made me feel sick.
I walked home quickly through the dark woods.
As I got to the village I saw a group of the village girls coming out of the shop—Eccles was with them. I had to walk past them to get home and they crossed their arms and stared at me.
Then Beverley came out of the shop. She looks like she has been crying for the last year. She pointed her finger at me and said, “Don’t think I dun’t know about thee, lady.”
And they all lumbered off.
How could she know?
In my squirrel room, I got my diary down. There was Labradad, there was “Daughter of Fang,” poems to Alex the Good, there was “The Girl with Green Eyes” and there was “I have always wanted Alex the Good but I have accidentally snogged Cain the Bad.”
I can cross it out in my diary, but I can’t cross it out from my lips.
I am a Cain kisser.
The fall of Dother Hall
SIDONE WAS LEAVING IN Monty’s sidecar when I got to Dother Hall next morning. Monty was on his motorbike in goggles and helmet, and Sidone had dark glasses and a headscarf on.
She shouted and waved as they rode away, “Off to London, girls, my girls, the city of dreams. Let us hope my charms will work and I can create magic for our theater of dreams. Wish me luck, my girls, my dear, dear girls!!!”
Sidone has gone to see some of her old theatrical mates to ask if they can do anything to save the school.
I said to Vaisey, “They’d better hurry up, I’ve just gone to the loo and the loo door fell off in my hand.”
Vaisey said, “Flossie’s got a love bite on her neck.”
I said, “From Seth? That’s, that’s …”
Flossie was nodding and showed me her neck.
I said, “That’s purple eye shadow, isn’t it?”
She said, “Yeah. Looks good, though, doesn’t it?”
She really likes Seth. She says he is a laugh.
Flossie said, “Miss Lullabelle, that boy is an ANIMAL, an ANIMAL I tell you!!! He is mean, moody, and magnificent!!!”
Seth?
Magnificent?
Seth?
Vaisey said, “Are you seeing him then? A Hinchcliff?”
Flossie said, “I don’t know, we’ll see how it goes. See how he shapes up.”
And she went off humming. Thank goodness no one had mentioned Cain.
Vaisey said, “Is Cain still missing?”
I looked down at my shoes and grunted.
Vaisey was going on.
“Maybe we should, you know, look for him? Or maybe the boys, you know Jack and so on, well, they could keep an eye out for him, when they do their cross-country hopping.”
Jo came running in like a demented retriever. Almost barking.
“Guess what? I had to go to Gudrun’s office for a phone call. She said it was my dad. And when I answered it my dad said, ‘Give us a snog’ down the phone.”
And Jo started jumping up and down.
We looked at each other. I know my dad was a Labradad but even he seemed normal in comparison to this.
Vaisey said, “Perhaps your dad didn’t say ‘snog,’ maybe he was saying, you know …”
Jo said, “No, no, he was PRETENDING to be my dad.”
I said, “Why would he pretend to be your dad, when he was your dad?”
Jo trod on my foot.
“So that he could talk to me!!! So he could tell me something!!! PHIL. He pretended to be my dad!”
We all looked at her.
She punched me on my arm.
“Ask me what he wanted to tell me. Go on.”
I opened my mouth to say something and Jo said, “Shut up, shut up talking. He wanted to tell me that he has been chucked out of school again and is on his way back to Wooolllllllffffffe. Yarrroooo!!!! And he says even if he is manacled to the walls, he’ll get to see me. Hurrah!!!”
It turns out that Phil dug his tunnel underneath the rugby pitch, but he made it so shallow that during a rugby match it collapsed and some of the older boys fell into it. And the rugby pitch has to be returfed. At enormous cost to the school … so he’s been sent back to Woolfe as punishment!
We all hugged each other.
At least three of the Tree Sisters are happy. That just leaves me. Alone on the ship of life. Paddling around in the shallows.
With no boyfriend. Only dark secrets I can never share.
We had a late rehearsal and as we came out of the studio, Sidone got back from London. She was wearing a long black veil. Monty was wearing a black top hat.
I said, “I don’t think this looks good, do you?”
Sidone said to us, “Sometimes even I cannot conjure magic and miracles, girls. I regret to tell you, I have been unable to persuade anyone to back Dother Hall. So therefore, everything depends on the magic of theater. Let us throw ourselves on the loving tenderness of our community. We go to The Blind Pig, girls, to give our all!”
I had a really weird horrible dream last night.
A Midwinter Tights Nightmare.
It was set in The Blind Pig.
Mr. Barraclough was Puck in an all-in-one leather jumpsuit. He had some salted peanuts in a basket and was flinging them into people’s eyes, and it made them get off with each other.
I was Bottom and I had my Dumbo head on again. I was blundering around, and then Alex came into the pub and Mr. Barraclough chucked peanuts in his eyes and he fell in love with the bloke next to him at the bar.
It was Cain.
Cain got the hump when Alex tried to kiss him and threatened Alex with a pie. They started fighting. Pies were going everywhere.
Then it all went into slow motion. Everyone was there, laughing at me.
Even Matilda was lying on her back and laughing. In a doggie way.
And the owlets were sitting on the bar, cheeping and laughing at me, their little shoulders jiggling up and down. I heard them say, “What a toooo-wit!”
Then everyone stopped laughing as Mrs. Bottomly came in with a gun.
Cain shouted, “Don’t worry, she couldn’t hit an elephant unless it had a target painted on it.”
And I looked down past my trunk and saw a target.
Painted on me.
I woke up sweating and shivering at dawn.
A Midsummer Tights Dream
AS A COUP DE grâce for my part as Bottom, Dr. Lightowler has found some furry leggings for me to wear. She said “found” them. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she had “found” them and ordered them from a special magazine called How to Make Someone Look Like an Idiot.
I can’t believe I am actually going to be in The Blind Pig in front of Ted Barraclough and the rough village lads, in leggings and Mickey Mouse ears. Like a comedy owl.
But I am.
I was lying on my squirrel bed with my head under the pillows when Dobbins knocked at my door. She said, “Lullah, the boys have got something for you. They’ve knitted it themselves. Well, I helped a bit, but they held the wool.”
Oh Jezebel’s Mum, what next?
They all came in. The lunatic twins are almost entirely made out of wool now. Hats, earmuffs, scarves, booties, you name it, Dobbins has knitted it.
She is sooo excited about the show tonight.
She said, “Ooooh, Tallulah I am sooo proud of you—you gorgeous, gorgeous girl. Isn’t she gorgeo
us, boys, shall we hug her?”
Max and Sam came to do knee hugging. Sucking on their dodies. I notice the dodies had knitted covers. As we were in the group hug Dobbins said, “Give Lullah her pressie.”
And Sam’s mitten came up from beneath my waist. He said, a bit muffled from being buried in my knees, “It’s for ooooooo.”
And Dobbins said, “Yes, it’s for Lullah, and what is it, Max?”
Max said through his dodie, “It’s an ARSE.”
Dobbins stopped the group hug.
She said, “No, boys, that is the wrong word, what is the right word?”
Sam got a bit cross, “Shhhh, lady!!! It is an arse, an arsey arse!”
It’s not a knitted arse. It’s a knitted heart. With little hands sticking out of it. Which is quite sweet really. At least someone loves me.
At six o’clock I couldn’t put it off any longer; it was time to set off for The Blind Pig for the final performance of my life.
As I looked over the green, I could see the lights in the pub twinkling in the windows. And a group of village lads laughing and joking outside. I could also hear the sound of guitars and Mr. Barraclough’s voice singing, “I’m the god of hellfire. PIES, I’m gonna …”
Ruby came tumbling across to meet me with Matilda. Matilda had her tutu on and some fairy wings. Ruby said, “Oooh, look at you. Show me your furry tights.”
I said, “I’d rather not.”
Ruby said, “Don’t be so daft, you big girl. Everyone’s going to see be seeing ’em soon, the pub’s packed out. You have to show Northern grit—else they’ll eat you alive! Anyway, you can’t let me down, I’ve trained Matilda especially. She knows to run out in her tutu and then lie down for you, so you can do your Enchantment dance.”
Oh yes, my “Enchantment dance.” Or my “Humiliation dance.” Or “Dr. Lightowler’s Revenge dance.”
Still, I am going to gird my feet for heavy bleeding and hope for the golden slippers of applause. At least Alex the Good is not here to see this.
Bob pulled up in his Bobmobile outside The Blind Pig and the Tree Sisters and the rest of the cast got out.
I walked as slowly as I could to meet my fate.
Dr. Lightowler had her party outfit on, well, her winter cloak. As I arrived, she half smiled. “Aaah, Tallulah, are you excited about your big night as Bottom? I am.”
And she swept off.
Why does she hate me?
Blaise Fox came up to me. She said, “Furry tights?”
I opened my coat. She looked me up and down.
“Splendid. Remember, you are not doing this for me, you are not doing it for the school, you are doing it for your inner comedian.”
One of the village lads passed by and looked at my legs. Then he said to me, “Bloody hell, what a state. Get the shaving cream out, love.”
I said to the Tree Sisters, “It’s all right for you. You only have your fairy dance and singing chorus work to do.”
Jo said, “Er, Tallulah, I am doing a tap dance with dustbin lids on my feet.”
I said, “You’ve all got your inner thespians to fall back on.”
And Flossie said, “Oooooh, well, you’ve got your cheeky Bottom to fall back on!”
When we went in, we had to squeeze through the bar packed with people and get changed in the ladies’ loos. (We knew it was the ladies’ because there was a photo of Mr. Barraclough in a dress on the door.)
Monty’s costume is similar to the one he wore when we did the Mummers play, only his tights are green. He said to me, “I’ve got a little surprise in my codpiece this time that will bring the house down.”
We looked at each other.
It was so much worse than I could have imagined.
For a start, the Bottomlys were all there at the front. All chewing gum. Or maybe cow heel.
Sidone came backstage (the loos) and said, “Come on, let’s show them our bleeding feet.”
We came on as village folk at first, chopping and plucking and hey-nonny-no-ing.
Even Bob had dressed up to play the lute. I don’t know if you’ve heard heavy metal lute playing, but that’s what he was doing.
Vaisey, Flossie, and Jo were singing Village People and then Monty came on as narrator. His codpiece got a huge cheer.
He started his improvised hey-nonny-no speech about love. Prancing around with his hands on his hips, pulling scarves from his codpiece. “Gather round and listen to a tale of love. ‘Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. / And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.’ For love comes in all shapes and forms. Look at yon simple country folk.”
Ted Barraclough shouted out, “Ay up, don’t be cheeky, the Bottomlys can’t help it.”
And that set the tone really.
Lav, Dav, and Noos did their gong song, singing “I’m a fool for love.” But repeating “love” like an echo, “I’m a fool for love, love, love, love …”
I noticed that none of them had furry leggings or Mickey Mouse ears.
Jo leapt on as Puck and chucked pretend love potion in everyone’s eyes, and even the village boys got out of her way. Sidone made a grand guest appearance as Titania. I didn’t know that the Queen of Fairies would wear a Dick Whittington costume, but she did.
Sidone sidled up to Mr. Barraclough and put her hand to his face. He began to say, “Madam, I must ask you to be gentle with me. I have an incapacitating pie-eating injury …”
But she trilled with laughter and hit him with her knapsack. Then she breathed, “Aaah, such beauty I have rarely seen outside fairy land.”
All the village boys cheered.
She went on, panting at Mr. Barraclough, “You strong-thighed son of the soil.”
Mr. Barraclough said, “I do my best, love.”
All of the pub went “Oohhh.”
It seemed to be going well, with the pretend snogging and the fighting and Monty’s tambourine poetry, but then Puck chucked fairy dust in Sidone’s eyes.
It was my turn, to change from Bottom the Weaver into the Donkey-Headed Fool.
Or in my case, the Mickey Mouse–Eared Fool.
I ripped off my peasant’s smock and hat to reveal my hairy tights and Mickey Mouse ears. Everyone went mad, which was quite nice actually. Somebody yelled, “Phwoar!”
Sidone came over to me with love in her eyes. She was saying, “Ah me, ah me …” And looked me up and down. I did a bit of skipping because it was so spooky. She looked like she might eat me.
Then she said, “Oh, you are gorgeous.”
Blimey. Now it was my big moment. My Enchantment dance.
I fiddled with my ears and said, “I know, madam, it’s the knees.”
And I did a bit of mushy knee walk.
Monty said, “Oh, bravo!”
And there was more applause from the audience. I said to Sidone, “Look at these knees, worship the knees. These knees can make anyone do anything, they are magical knees.”
This was the cue for the chorus to sing “Isn’t He Lovely” to an Irish tune.
Ruby waggled a hoofy snack and Matilda toddled out in her tutu and wings. She could see Ruby waggling the hoofy, and lay on her back with her legs sticking up.
Hurrah!
I did my Irish donkey dancing over her upturned legs and got a massive round of applause. Titania swooned.
At the end, as we took our bows, Sidone got up. She walked to the center of the stage and waited for quiet.
“Local community, friends of Dother Hall, girls, my girls. I went to London in an attempt to resolve our little financial misunderstandings, but I am sorry to say that I found myself met on every side by the dark ignorant forces that pit themselves against the artist. Dark ignorant forces who say, ‘We are not interested in the ballet—get your wallet out!’”
She swayed and Monty got to his feet. She wasn’t going to have to be hauled off like a fish finger again, was she?
She put her head in her hands.
Oh no. Was this the final good-bye to
Dother Hall?
She looked at us.
“As you can imagine, I returned to Dother Hall broken. To be greeted by Bob burning the last of the potting-shed shelves … and …”
Jo said, “I bet our beds are gone.”
Sidone hadn’t finished.
“Some wonderful, wonderful news!! A letter from Honey’s agent in Hollywood, Mr. Bloomfield. He’d heard from Honey about our financial misunderstandings with the creatures who call themselves the Revenue.”
She turned to look at Monty and said, “Why they don’t just wear black masks and carry bags with THIEF written on them …”
Monty gave her a hankie and she continued.
“But the good news is, girls, that Mr. Bloomfield has sent us a very generous check!! So, girls, we march on. Limping a little, but carrying on!”
Monty clapped and shouted, “Oh, bravo, bravo.”
We all cheered and Flossie said, “Does that mean I can have a bath?”
The Tree Sisters were jumping up and down. I even let Mr. Barraclough wear my ears. Ruby was yelling, “Hurray! Hurray!”
After Sidone’s speech, when everyone was hugging each other and Matilda was happily chewing her hoofy, a big black dog came in. It growled menacingly and people backed away from it.
Was it the son of Fang?
The black dog went over to Matilda and snatched the hoofy away from her. Matilda just watched sadly as the black dog took her snack out of the door.
There was a silence, then Mrs. Bottomly shouted, “That were bloody Cain’s dog. That black-hearted swine must be around. I’m off for my gun.”
I said to Ruby, “Will she really get her gun?”
Ruby said, “Oh yes.” And all the Bottomlys stormed out of the pub.
Seth and Ruben came into the bar. They were laughing. Seth clicked his teeth at Flossie, who was still in her fairy costume. “Ay up, big lass, awreet?”
And she clicked back, “Not so bad, big lad.”
Then Eccles Bottomly came screeching into the pub again followed by her sisters. She shouted at Seth and Ruben, “Your bloody brother has kicked down our outdoor lavatory again.”
Ruben said, “He dun’t take kindly to being shot at.” And he and Seth laughed.
Then Seth looked straight at me. “Anyway, Cain does as he pleases. Doesn’t he, lanky lass?”
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