Paper Boats

by Lestari, Dee

  New Year’s Eve 2002

  A gentle breeze blew in from the beach. It felt warm against her skin, even though it was well past midnight. Kugy sat on the swing barefoot, letting her feet drag on the ground, playing with the sand between her toes.

  “You look like a little kid sitting on that swing,” said Remi from behind her.

  Kugy turned around. “Hey, why aren’t you inside?” She motioned toward the cottage and their coworkers carousing inside. Thanks to the initiative of a few, and the assent of more than a few others who happened not to have any special plans for the night, a group of them were spending New Year’s Eve together on Ancol Beach. They’d rented a large cottage and were having a party.

  “Too crowded,” said Remi. Then he approached Kugy and gave the swing a gentle push.

  “It’s nice here,” said Kugy. “You can hear the ocean. Nature’s sweetest song.”

  “I agree. I spent last New Year’s Eve on the beach, too. The waves there sounded much sweeter than the ones here.”

  “Oh yeah? Where?”

  “Sanur.”

  “Bali, huh? Lucky you. I dreamed about spending New Year’s Eve on a beach last year. I was on the terrace in front of my house.” Kugy chuckled.

  “And this year you made it. You got to the beach after all.”

  Kugy nodded. “Yup! First stop, Ancol. Hopefully next year, I’ll be able to upgrade to Sanur.”

  “You don’t have to wait till next year to go to Sanur,” Remi said with a smile. “When do you want to go? I’ll come with you.”

  “Next week?”

  “Sure.”

  “Hmm. Next month?”

  “Sure.”

  “How about sometime midyear?”

  “Sure.”

  “Is that all you can say? ‘Sure’? Can’t you put up some opposition?” Kugy laughed. And suddenly Remi spun the swing around so they were facing each other.

  Remi stooped down and put his face close to hers. “Anywhere you want to go—be it a warung for fried rice or the beach at Sanur—and anytime you want to go—be it today or who knows when—I’ll go, too. As long as I can be with you.”

  Kugy’s mind tried to process what Remi had just said, but her heart already knew. Had known for a long time. “Remi . . . you’re my boss,” she stammered.

  Remi nodded. “Yes, I know. This violates all the rules of ethical workplace conduct. I’m putting you in a difficult position. And I’m putting myself in a difficult position as well. But it would make even less sense if I let those things stand in the way of being true to my heart.”

  Kugy swallowed. “But, you’re Karel’s friend.”

  “Do you have a problem with your boyfriend being older? With dating a friend of your big brother’s?” Remi smiled.

  At the word “boyfriend,” Kugy’s heart raced and her body tensed. She tried to calm her heart and to steady her breathing, to keep her gaze cool and her voice from trembling. “I do have a problem having someone for a boyfriend if I don’t know what his true feelings are.”

  Remi’s expression changed. He was always so relaxed, so smooth. But now he looked anxious. He opened his mouth but no words came out. He looked away for a moment, nervously, as if summoning up the strength to speak.

  “You . . .” Now his voice was trembling. “You’ve given me a new reason to go to work every day. You give me energy. You make me laugh. You make me want to do so many things. You put me at ease . . .” Remi paused, trying to calm his own wildly beating heart. “I . . . I’m not just amazed by you. I’m in love.”

  Now Kugy lost her ability to play it cool. A tremendous conflict raged in her heart. She was facing a dilemma she had never had before. Up to this point, she had known exactly whom she desired, whom she dreamed of, whom she yearned for. But nothing was clear anymore. What she did know was that Remi was so close, so real, so within her reach. Remi was there every day, not just in her dreams.

  “Don’t you get it?” Remi whispered gently. “I’m crazy about you.”

  Kugy didn’t trust herself to speak. But for the first time, she saw the person in front of her in a different light. She only hoped that Remi could see it, could read it in her eyes. The dilemma in her heart had been resolved. Her heart had made its choice.

  As if hearing what she had left unspoken, Remi smiled tenderly. He moved closer, bringing his face to hers, and planted his lips on hers, kissing her with all the passion he had been suppressing.

  The waves swept across the sand behind them, enveloping them in their sweet, never-ending cadence. But the same sound reminded Kugy of something else. In her heart, she bid farewell to the person whose name she had clung fast to for so long. She released the name into the wind and the waves and cast it adrift on the sea. She let it go, along with the last night of the year.

  Keenan sat alone on the terrace, contemplating the cell phone in his hand. He was looking at the phone number on the screen. He had been looking at it for a while, but he hadn’t dialed it. He didn’t know whether the number was still active, but he had kept it, anyway, looking at it every now and then. Like he was doing tonight.

  Though the distance between them had lessened, Keenan felt as if they were somehow farther apart. He didn’t know why.

  Little One, it feels like you’re so far away. I hope you still remember me.

  January 2003

  It was the first day of classes after the break—the first day of Noni’s and Eko’s last semester.

  Noni was sorting through the textbooks from her first year that she didn’t need anymore. Her room looked like a warehouse, filled with stuff she hadn’t used for years but that she’d kept because she hadn’t wanted to throw anything away. Eko always complained about this problem of hers and had bestowed on her the title “Scavenger.”

  She was almost halfway through when her eyes fell on something she had hurled into a drawer months ago and hadn’t looked at since—the package wrapped in blue that Kugy had left behind, and that Noni was keeping for her.

  Noni took the package and placed it in her lap. It must have been a present from Josh, she guessed. Her hands were itching to open it, but Noni suppressed the urge. I should just leave it. This is Kugy’s business, not mine. Besides, she probably left it on purpose. But do I really want to keep it here forever? Finally, she opened it.

  It was a scrapbook, untitled, with cutouts of drawings pasted on the pages. Next to each drawing was a handwritten story. Noni recognized the handwriting immediately. It was Kugy’s. Noni also recognized the stories. They were from a collection that Kugy had written over a period of several years, but never published. She had only showed it to a few people. Noni was one of them.

  On the first page was a photocopy of Kugy’s handwriting from when she was little. Noni knew what it said by heart. Kugy wrote it inside the covers of fairy tales she owned—especially her favorites. It was a quote by W. B. Yeats:

  Let us go forth, the tellers of tales, and seize whatever prey the heart long for, and have no fear. Everything exists, everything is true, and the earth is only a little dust under our feet.

  Noni remembered how proud little Kugy was of that quote when she had announced, “Noni, I want to be a teller of tales.” Noni still didn’t understand what the quote meant. But Kugy had.

  On the inside of the back cover was a sleeve. Noni wouldn’t have looked inside it if she hadn’t seen a piece of paper poking out. It was a white envelope containing a card. “‘Happy birthday’?” Noni mumbled. Whose birthday was it?

  Noni opened the card and read Kugy’s words:

  I dream.

  I dream about writing my first book of fairy tales.

  Ever since you drew these for me, I feel like I’m one step closer to attaining that dream.

  I have never been this close.

  I dream about something else, too.

  I dream about writing fairy tales for the rest of my life.

  I dream about sharing the world in those tales with you.

 
With you by my side, I’m not afraid to be a dreamer anymore.

  With you by my side, I want to give this book a title.

  For it is only with you by my side that everything is within reach, that everything exists, that everything is true. And the earth is only a little dust under our feet.

  Happy birthday.

  Keenan! There was no doubt about it. Noni looked at the date printed in the upper right-hand corner: January 31, 2000.

  She felt weak. Noni knew Kugy well enough to understand the significance of what she had written, how intense the feelings behind them were. Slowly, she put it all together.

  She realized why Kugy had started avoiding them, why Kugy hadn’t come to her party, why Kugy had decided to break up with Josh, why Kugy had always seemed under great pressure. Why they had drifted so far apart these three years. Slowly, she understood. Everything.

  She slipped the card back in the sleeve. She was so distressed, she nearly cried. Three years was a long time to keep something like this hidden away, to stay silent.

  Eko raced to Noni’s room after parking Fuad out front. “Noni!” he called as he ran.

  Noni rushed out of her room. “What is it?”

  “Mom just told me that Keenan’s in Jakarta!”

  Her eyes widened. “He came home?”

  “Yeah, because Uncle Adri’s so sick,” Eko explained. “Mom says he’s been in Bali this whole time. I have to see him! I mean it! I can’t wait! Oh, that kid!” Eko was so happy he was practically screaming. “Just in time, too! He’ll be able to come to our—”

  “I’m coming to Jakarta with you,” said Noni softly.

  “You want to see Keenan, too?”

  “I want to see Kugy.”

  It was Eko’s turn to be shocked. “Are you sure? Are you ready?”

  Noni nodded. “There’s something I need to tell her.”

  Keenan was in his room looking at himself in the mirror. He’d been going through the same routine for an entire week. He stared at his reflection in its unfamiliar garb: dress pants, a smart collared shirt, loafers. In his pocket, he even carried a necktie, which he occasionally had to wear. He felt like he was wearing a costume.

  Every morning, he woke up and went to work in his father’s office, making the commute along with millions of other Jakartans. Frequently, he only came home after dinner was over. He beat the traffic this way, but also, there was so much he had to learn.

  How quickly time passed here. It sprinted, it surged—so different from his days in Ubud, where minutes ambled, where seconds dripped. His assumption of his father’s responsibilities was consuming all his energy and attention. He felt he didn’t even have sufficient time for life at home with his parents and his brother.

  There was only one thing that diverted him and cheered his heart: seeing his father as he got better with each passing day. Every morning, in his wheelchair, he sent Keenan off with a smile. And when Keenan came home, Jeroen was always waiting for him so they could chat for a while before going to bed. And his mother was there, too, always making sure everything was all right and that he had all he needed.

  Except for his immediate family, he hadn’t had the chance to see anyone—not friends, not cousins. He hadn’t even contacted anybody. He’d been gone for so long that he didn’t know where to start. Suddenly he took a deep breath. Eko. He remembered his cousin and how much he missed him.

  And Kugy. Keenan sat down on the bed. Now that he wasn’t in Bali anymore, he was confronted by all the memories he had of her—in the sky, in the clouds, in the street—as if all his thoughts and feelings were racing to the surface. Though the chances of running into Kugy were much higher now, he still didn’t want to—as much as it was possible for him not to want to.

  Keenan buried his face in his hands. He wished there were some way—a giant eraser, perhaps—that would clear his mind of such memories, of the emotions that welled up and niggled at him from time to time, causing him to feel guilty about his behavior toward Luhde. Suddenly, Keenan was angry at himself. Why can’t you just forget her?

  Then he rose to his feet, checked his reflection once more, and left for work, stepping into the swiftly spinning whirl of Jakarta time, hoping to drive Kugy’s shadow far, far away.

  CHAPTER 35

  A TRUE PRINCE

  It was Sunday, Kugy’s weekly Independence Day, meaning she was free to sleep as much as she wanted. Except someone was shaking her by the shoulder. And judging by how heavy her eyelids were, it was still far too early to wake up.

  “Kugy, wake up! Yoo-hoo! Wake up!”

  For a moment, Kugy thought she was dreaming. She knew those barbaric shrieks all too well, but . . . Impossible! Kugy pulled the covers over her head.

  “Kugy!” The voice was rising in pitch. “Come on, wake up! You’re so mean! I’ve come all this way!”

  Kugy forced herself to open her eyes. “Noni?” she muttered in disbelief. She sat up and Noni immediately gave her a hug. As if this dream wasn’t bizarre enough, Kugy thought. She was still in a daze.

  Noni whispered in her ear, “Forgive me. I’m so sorry about everything.” And then Noni began to sob.

  Kugy was confused. “Noni, what’s wrong?”

  “Now I understand. Three years, and only now do I understand. I’m sorry.” Noni’s words were interspersed with sobs.

  “Three years? Wha—” Kugy was even more confused.

  Slowly, Noni pulled away. She reached inside her bag and handed Kugy a package. “Sorry, but I opened and rewrapped it. You left it in your old room at the boarding house.”

  Kugy was startled to see it again. For an instant, she felt a surge of panic. She shook her head slowly. “You don’t need to give this back to me,” she said bitterly. “Just take it. Keep it. Do whatever you want with it. It’s up to you.”

  Noni shook her head, on the verge of bursting into tears again. “Kugy, why didn’t you say something? If I’d known how you felt, it wouldn’t have come to this.”

  “I wanted to tell you. Really, I did. But I didn’t know what to do. You and Eko wanted to set Keenan up with Wanda. Then you pulled it off and I was still with Josh, anyway. I was confused about what to say, how to act . . . I thought it was better to just keep my distance.” Kugy’s eyes began to fill with tears. “And about Eko . . .”

  Noni sobbed. “I was wrong. Please forgive me. I’ve always felt I was living in your shadow, but I never wanted to admit it. So when Eko still seemed to care about you, when he tried to stay close to you, I overreacted—though I know he didn’t mean anything by it. I was jealous that you two were still close, even though you and I had grown apart.” The tears streamed down her face.

  All Kugy could do was hug Noni and rub her back.

  “You forgive me, don’t you?”

  “Only if you forgive me,” said Kugy softly.

  They held each other for a long time, thawing what had been frozen between them all those years.

  “I have something else to tell you,” whispered Noni.

  “Let me guess. You’re Batman!”

  Noni almost choked on the laugh that caught her midsob. “You moron! This is serious!”

  “Okay, okay. What is it?” Kugy folded her hands in front of her.

  “It has to do with my parents. They’ve been bothering me about, well, you know what. So . . .” Noni cleared her throat. “On Valentine’s Day, Eko and I are getting married.”

  Kugy’s jaw dropped. “I . . . How . . . And here I was waiting for you to tell me you’re really Batman!”

  Noni burst into laughter as she wiped away her tears. “You crazy girl! I’ve missed you so much!”

  Kugy smiled. She couldn’t help but hug Noni again. “Congratulations,” she said, laughing, then added, “It’s about time you two set to work destroying each other’s lives. But seriously, you two are the most compatible couple I know. I’m happy to have two friends who have come this far together. You guys deserve it.”

  “Thanks,” Noni an
swered. “But you know something? We’ve always felt that you and Keenan were the ones who belonged together. You’re both weird. You’re both a mess. You’re both incorrigible.”

  Kugy feigned indignation. “Are these compliments or insults?”

  Noni grinned. “So if the opportunity arose, you’d give the book to Keenan?”

  Kugy’s expression turned somber. Then she shook her head. “I can only give that book to someone I will always love. And it looks like it’s not him.”

  Noni was silent. She wanted to tell Kugy that Keenan had come home—that they were both in the same city now. But instead she kept quiet and let it pass. Kugy would find out for herself.

  “Now it’s my turn to tell you something.” Kugy smiled brightly.

  Noni noticed the change in her friend’s expression. “Are you in love? No way!”

  Kugy nodded. “I have . . . a boyfriend!” Kugy bobbed up and down with excitement.

  Noni screamed. “Who?”

  “My boss!” Kugy laughed.

  Noni froze, then frowned. “How’d you wind up dating your own boss? It’s like something out of that bad soap opera—Inem the Sexy Waitress.” But seeing Kugy’s shining eyes, Noni shook off her reservations and before long was laughing along. “I’m happy for you, too. I want to meet him!”

  “Of course. I’ll bring him to the wedding.”

  “Awesome!” Noni clapped. Then, quick as a flash, she slipped something over Kugy’s head.

  “Huh? What is this?” Kugy looked down at the thing hanging from her neck.

  “Congratulations. You’re number one. No one can ever take your place.” Noni smiled.

  Kugy read the gold medal. For my best and oldest friend. She took a deep breath and tried to contain her emotions. “Seriously, though,” she whispered. “I’m still waiting for you to tell me that you’re really Batman.”