‘Let me carry you back to bed, you shouldn’t be up yet.’
‘Dan!’ My protests fell on deaf ears, and it wasn’t like I was in a position to fight him off when he lifted me off the ground, put me over his shoulder, then grabbed my stand and started heading back towards the lift. I just hung there, limply, neither of us saying anything as he escorted me back to our room and carefully deposited me on my bed.
‘Ellie, I know you’re angry at me, but you can’t bottle up what happened to you, however scary it may be to confront it. I’m your husband. If anyone’s going to help you, it’s damn well going to be me. What if you were on your own with the children and suddenly broke down when it all hit you? I’m not risking any of you again and if that means me being the bad guy here, forcing you to confront whatever you faced in that bunker, that’s what I’m going to bloody do.’ He was getting angry, his voice had increased several decibels, and there was a familiar flash of annoyance in his eyes. I felt my bottom lip wobbling as I looked at him. I’d never been so angry with him before, but needed him so much at the same time. ‘Tell me how I can help?’ he sighed.
‘Hold me,’ I whispered. ‘Just hold me, I need to feel safe again.’
‘Ellie.’ He kicked off his shoes and climbed onto my bed, pulling me into his arms as I began to sob, my chest rattling between each gasp for air. ‘Talk to me,’ Dan urged when I finally stopped crying.
‘I’d really just like some fresh air. Is there any way I can go and sit in the garden for a while?’
‘It’s cold out,’ he sighed, disappointment showing all over his face as I struggled out of his embrace.
‘I’ll dress warmly.’
‘You’re too weak to walk,’ he protested.
‘I’ll go in a wheelchair,’ I countered, determined not to be overridden on this.
‘I see your stubborn side hasn’t been affected,’ he observed as he got out of bed. ‘As you wish.’
‘I need the nurse to come and remove my drips so I can put on a jumper,’ I reminded him.
‘I’ll send one in.’
He disappeared and I checked my iPad immediately, a weight being lifted off my shoulders to see pictures of the children in Hamleys, then one of them tucking into their afternoon tea. Oliver and Jonas had brown moustaches from their hot chocolates. It made me smile and clutch my chest. I was missing them so much. I managed to get changed into my jeans and warm sheepskin boots that Brooke had taken to be dry-cleaned. The nurse detached me so that I could put on my jumper and when Dan returned with the wheelchair with its tall silver stand attached, she hooked me back up and transferred the bags of antibiotics and fluid from the bed stand to the wheelchair, then helped me into it and tucked a blanket around me.
‘Half an hour, then back to bed,’ she warned Dan as he gripped the handles.
‘I can’t wait to get back to work where I can boss people around,’ he sighed, making her smile.
We stayed silent as we headed down in the lift and Dan wheeled me out of the rear double doors and down the ramp to the small square walled garden. I took some deep breaths, grateful to have real fresh air in my lungs again after days of recycled air. It was such a tranquil place. It had been done up like a Japanese tea garden with bamboos, water, coy fish, and bonsai trees. Dan positioned me on a small bridge overlooking the pool with the fish and put the brakes on the wheelchair, kissing the top of my head as he did.
‘I’ll go and see if I can find a chair to sit with you.’
‘Actually,’ I hesitated, knowing I was likely to hurt him with my next comment. ‘I’d like to sit on my own for a while, if that’s ok.’
‘That wasn’t a question, Ellie,’ he replied, picking up on my tone.
‘No,’ I confirmed. ‘I was trying to be polite. I’d really just like a bit of time alone. I’m perfectly safe here.’
‘I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, you keep pushing me away,’ he sighed.
‘It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but I need … I need some space. Please,’ I pleaded, looking down at my tangled fingers in my lap, not wanting to see the look of hurt that I knew would be on his face again.
‘You can’t shut me out forever, Ellie,’ he warned. ‘You’ve got twenty minutes and that’s it.’
I looked up as I heard him walking away and watched him glance back over his shoulder as he passed through the doors. What was wrong with me? I could share with James, but not my own husband? I looked back down at the fish staring up at me as they flexed their mouths in hope of some food and watched their tails swishing back and forth in the water. Right now I’d love to be one of those fish. Brightly-coloured and beautiful, carefree with the only concern being when their next meal was due. I’d give anything to feel that free again. I may not be down in that bunker anymore, but with each minute that passed today, I felt like everything was closing in on me, suffocating me. I may as well be back there.
Day Twenty Nine
Two weeks later ~ Friday 9th October
Ellie
I sat at my dressing table, putting in a pair of my diamond and emerald earrings from Dan, and stared at my face in the mirror, wondering if I should reconsider my decision not to wear anything but waterproof mascara. We were due to leave soon for Jenny’s funeral. It was going to be a closed-casket service. It was bad enough to picture the damage the bullet did to her face as it happened, I didn’t want to see her in person like that again. While Dean had insisted on seeing her the day her body was delivered to the morgue, Dan had told me that he’d convinced her parents not to, that they needed to remember her as she was, the beautiful, strong, and brave woman who put her life on the line for others every day. She didn’t deserve to have gone like that, to not even have been given the chance to fight for her life, but to be shot from behind while she kneeled there on that plastic sheet, totally defenceless… I shook my head as I fought back tears. I hadn’t expected to go the day without, but neither had I expected to be so close to tears this early in the day.
It seemed that even the National Park hadn’t been aware of that bunker. How our kidnappers were would never be solved now, but using Dan’s offer of high-resolution imaging equipment, the police had sent specialist teams out to scour the woodland around the cottages, as well as a helicopter to scan from above and point out anything else that looked out of the ordinary. It had found something in the bottom of a deep gulley, inaccessible by road. I shuddered as I thought of it. Three metal barrels piled up, as if they’d just been rolled over the edge of the steep bank above. Three barrels containing three bodies, or rather what was left of them. The police told us that the barrels had been filled with acid to obliterate the contents. They’d advised it was going to be extremely difficult to identify any of those remains now.
Jenny’s murder had been bad enough to witness, to deal with, but to be so disrespectful to those other victims, to shove them in those tin cans, pour that liquid on them, and then roll them down there, made me feel sick. Money, it was all about money. They valued it over a human being’s life and dignity, and that I wasn’t sure I’d ever get my head around. I’d tried to console myself with the thought that at least Jenny had been returned to us, that we could lay her to rest, that we could all have some closure, a place to go in the future to be with her. To have not been able to bury her would have been so hard for everyone. I stood up as I saw Dan enter the room in the reflection of the mirror. He was looking how I felt, I knew that this was going to be hard for him, too. He felt responsible. I felt responsible. Even poor James felt responsible. There was more than enough guilt going around to last a lifetime.
‘You look nice,’ Dan nodded. I didn’t reply, I knew he didn’t know what to say. Acknowledging comments on my outfit was something I was going to have to get used to today. I remembered the pointless comments and questions I had at my parents’ funeral. No one knew what to say to make you feel better, so they came out with the most inane things because there was nothing that they co
uld say to take away the pain. It was true that words spoke volumes, unless you were grieving, then they had no meaning at all. They were like white noise in the background. I adjusted the thin black belt around my knee-length black dress, making sure the buckle was in the centre. It shouldn’t really matter, but it felt important. Jenny was so particular, her military training had a part in that, she’d have adjusted it for me if she’d have been standing here now. ‘Ready?’
‘Yes,’ I said quietly, wanting to say no, but not wanting to seem pissy with him. It wasn’t his fault. He was just trying to be supportive, but right now I felt more alone than ever. I could feel myself retreating, needing space, which wasn’t like me at all. I’d always needed someone, I’d never been happy being alone. Even in that bunker after James and Oliver left, I’d had company, albeit dead.
I grabbed my black clutch bag and let him steer me down to the front door with his hand in the small of my back. Magda was looking after the children at Daniel and Luiza’s, where they’d been overnight. My parents-in-law wanted to come to the funeral, which was only natural. Jenny had been a part of our family, looking after their grandchildren for them. Andy was sitting in the driver’s seat, a stoic look on his face matching Chris’s, as Dan helped me up and shut my door. No one spoke a word from the house to the church near to where Jenny’s parents lived. Dan had taken my hand and nudged his fingers between mine, but for the first time since I’d met him, I felt nothing. All I felt was a sense of loss, pain, and anger.
We pulled up and I got a disapproving glare from all three men as I opened the car door and slid out before Andy had even had a chance to pull on the handbrake. Andy had deliberately chosen to leave at the last possible minute, anticipating a media frenzy, and he wasn’t wrong. Within seconds, I was circled by them, questions being fired at me, flashbulbs going off in my face. I held my bag up to shield my eyes, put my head down, and kept walking. I could hear Andy and Dan berating the photographers as they tried to push through and get to me. I needed to see Dean, it weighed so heavily on me that he’d purchased that ring, organised a romantic weekend away, and had no idea what her answer would have been, let alone how she really felt about him. I hoped that he’d know in his heart, but I needed to tell him that I’d heard how she felt and the word “yes” from her own lips. I sincerely hoped that it would give him some consolation and not make matters worse. When I broke free of the press, I ran up the steps into the church and stood for a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the relative darkness, then spotted Dean sitting on the second row on the far right, next to James in his wheelchair. I skirted the back row and quickly walked up the edge of the church to where they were.
‘Mrs. Davenport.’ Dean jumped to his feet as soon as he spotted me.
‘You’ll have to forgive me for not standing, Mrs. Davenport,’ James added, giving me a gentle smile. I leaned down and kissed his cheek, thankful that his facial bruises were fading. He was starting to look like himself again.
‘I know that you would if you could, James. It’s good to see you out of the hospital at last. Please could I borrow Dean for a moment?’
‘Of course,’ he nodded, spinning his chair to the side, being careful not to bash his elevated plaster-casted leg on anything, and allowing Dean to walk out.
‘Is everything alright, Mrs. Davenport?’ Dean frowned as I pulled him behind a large stone pillar.
‘I want to tell you something, but I’m not sure if it will make today even harder for you.’
‘About Jenny?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ I nodded. ‘If you prefer, I can tell you another day, but I think it’s important that you know, she’d have wanted you to know.’
‘Tell me,’ he replied, a waiver in his voice. I took his hand and placed an object in it, my eyes filling with tears as he looked down at it, then up at me, astonished.
‘She told me that she hadn’t told you yet, she was going to on your weekend away, she also told me something else.’ I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear. It was private, between him and Jenny, no one else. ‘She would have said yes, Dean. We discussed your trip and joked about you proposing, but I saw her face light up. We talked about the future, about how she saw herself getting married to you, giving up looking after my children to have ones of her own with you. She loved you, as much as you loved her. I thought you ought to know that.’
‘She really said that?’ he choked. I straightened and gave him a sad smile.
‘She really did and I’m so sorry that was taken from you. I hope I didn’t make things worse today by telling you.’
‘I’m not sure anything could make today worse, Mrs. Davenport.’
‘Please call me Ellie, and if there’s anything I can do, if there’s anything you need, any questions that you have that are unanswered, I’m here.’
‘Actually, there is something that you can do for me, but it’s asking a lot.’ He frowned as he looked at me.
‘Ask away.’
‘I’d ask James, but he’s obviously not in a fit state to come and I’ll understand if you can’t, or if you don’t want to, but … I wanted someone who knew where, …. I want ….’ he broke off and shook his head.
‘You want to go to the bunker and see exactly where she died,’ I said quietly, finishing the question he was finding so hard to vocalise and feeling a shiver run down my spine at the thought of it. The police had sent in a forensic team to process the bodies of Bravo and Delta and photograph all of the evidence, even though there was no one left to prosecute, then they’d cleaned it up, in case the park decided to use it for anything in the future.
‘I’m sorry, it’s asking too much,’ he said quickly, reading the look of horror on my face. ‘I’ll go alone, I’m leaving to stay with a friend in Australia for a while tomorrow, so I wanted to see it for myself before I leave.’
‘Dean, I …’ I took a few quick, sharp breaths as my heart and my head argued. I’d been having daily sessions with the private therapist at the hospital and he’d said going back might help me to deal, but I hadn’t expected it to be so soon. Not today, of all days.
‘It was stupid of me to ask, I’m sorry if I upset you.’
‘Ellie, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we need to take our seats,’ came Dan’s voice behind me.
‘I’ll say goodbye before I go,’ Dean smiled, squeezing my arm. I nodded, wondering how he seemed so together right now.
‘It’s good to see you again, Dean, I’m just sorry it’s here,’ Dan added. I watched an exchange take place between them with a simple nod. Men seemed to have emotions so simplified, one line and a nod at a funeral would never be enough between two women, not two women who were friends, like Dean and Dan were. Dan grasped my elbow and steered me away, back down the side of the church. ‘Don’t ever run off like that again,’ he scolded me with a disapproving glare. ‘I’m cutting you some slack because of why we’re here and what you’ve just been through, but I won’t tolerate you doing that in the future, not when I’m still a target for anyone looking for a payout. I can’t go through the last few weeks again. Are we clear?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered, hanging my head in shame. I was making things worse for him, but it was so hard trying to take care of myself at the moment, let alone thinking of everyone else’s feelings.
‘Good, now let’s go and sit down, Brooke and Molly have saved us a place next to them.’
I tried to avoid the looks of everyone craning their necks to see me as we walked up the aisle. I slid in next to Brooke and immediately reached for her hand. She put her head on my shoulder and sniffed as she wiped her nose. The service was a blur, I didn’t really hear anything that was said as I sat looking at her coffin and her parents crying. I was finding it hard enough, I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if that was Oliver, Jonas, or Eva I was saying goodbye to. It was a parent’s worst nightmare, having to say goodbye to a child. I tried to rummage for a tissue in my clutch bag with one hand, as tears streamed down my fac
e. Dan handed me one of his monogrammed handkerchiefs instead, which I accepted gratefully.
I chose to stand by James as we watched her coffin being lowered into the family plot. It just felt important that in her last moments here, just like her last moments of life, the three of us were together again. I held his hand as she disappeared, squeezing it tightly as I saw a few tears roll down his face. I’d never seen him cry before. Not in the bunker, not during the service when I kept looking over at him. Most women cried at anything, funny, happy, or sad, but not men. Maybe his tears were a sign that he was accepting her loss, whereas mine were still tears of denial. I looked over at Dean. His face was pale, his lips pressed together tightly as Andy stood with his hand on his shoulder. But Dean wasn’t crying either. Maybe he couldn’t, or wouldn’t until he faced the place where he really lost her. If it was going to help him, and he needed me there, then I had to do it, for Jenny. She’d have done it for me. I turned to face Dan and he raised his eyebrows as he looked down at me.
‘I have to do something. It’s not something that I want to do, but it’s something that I need to do, for my friend.’
‘You’re going back there with Dean?’ he asked, looking surprised.
‘How did you know?’
‘He asked Andy to fly him there, Andy told me last night. Why do I get the feeling that you’re going to argue about me coming too?’ he frowned.
‘I don’t want that place tarring you as well,’ I shrugged.
‘I’ve already been there, Ellie. I don’t think you remember as you were pretty out of it, but I carried you out. To be honest, after a couple of minutes down there, I’d be happy never going there again, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting you do it without me by your side.’
‘Fine,’ I sighed, ‘but it’s on the condition that you don’t come inside. I think it will hit Dean hard, that he might get emotional, and he doesn’t need his pride to take a bruising in front of you as well. He looks up to you.’
31 Days of Autumn Page 35